“Narcissism: Pathological Self-Love” Comments, Page 1

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6 Comments (2 Discussion Threads) on “Narcissism: Pathological Self-Love”

  1. Dr. Simon, First let me thank – you for your excellent articles on narcissism. While never diagnosed, my husband of 20 years is most assuredly a narcissist (placed somewhere middle of spectrum),while he fits many descriptors some he most definitely does not. My question to you is: I don’t see much information about the infidelity aspect of narcissists and wonderef what your thoughts are on the subject? Thank you

  2. Thanks so much for the kind and validating words.
    While infidelity can occur for a wide variety of reasons, narcissists are prone to it because they’re so egocentric, harbor attitudes of entitlement, and their emotional regard for others is so shallow or absent that they don’t really care how their behavior might impact anyone else. For them, it’s all about self-gratification and in some cases self-aggrandizement. Having multiple sexual conquests can sometimes be nothing more than just another way to self-aggrandize.

  3. Dr. Simon,
    Thank you for the extensive information given in regards to NPD. Although I have just recently have come across your articles, I am grateful for the time you have given to providing detailed information regarding this personality type. I am a victim of abuse at the hands of a still current relationship with a man who has NPD. I have two questions if I may ask. The first is, you mentioned the removal of NPD as a distinct official catagorey. To me, and I could be taking this wrong, it seems to downplay the evilness that some individuals with NDP can have. The lack of empathy and complete knowledge of their calculated actions based one self love and lack of care or concern for human kind is almost unbelievable. Although, being so closely connected with a person of this nature may make me feel more strongly about this. Can you explain a little further what the removal means and how it is classified now? My second question is in regard to the “Malignant” Narcissist as it relates to the neurosis vs. character disorder. I do believe that my current partner seems to have traits of each. He is fully aware of his actions, they are calculated and done without any thought as to how it will affect anyone but himself. Deep down he claims to know that he is an evil person. But how can one know this and still continue with behavior just as evil as before?

    1. Thanks for the kind words, TN, and for the great questions, which I’ll do my best to answer satisfactorily. Our current, crazy classification scheme for mental disorders has long recognized that narcsissism is a feature of a lot of different character disturbances. so defining NPD as a distinct D/O has always been somewhat problematic. Add to that the fact that by definition “disorders” have to be fundamentally maladaptive whereas many narcissists are not only “enabled” and rewarded for their approach to life but also many times successful in their enterprises (at least by modern cultural standards). But you”re correct that the relegation of narcissism to a “dimension” of personality which can be cited but not classfied as a distinct disorder does seem to trivialize this very problematic character style. We have long needed a complete revamp of our classification methods and our category definitions.
      With regard to your second question, allow me to be blunt. It’s precisely because folks find the disturbed character’s awarness of yet comfort with personality traits most would consider “evil” or at least very problematic so hard to understand that they’ve inadvertently allowed themselves to be victimized. This is not something to “understand” but rather to accept and deal with firmly. And as far as the disturbed character getting help is concerned, only the most severely disturbed are beyond help. The much bigger and more pervasive problem is that the vast majority of helping professionals are trained in and aligned with perspectives and methods that simply don’t have the power to promote change.

  4. Excellent point Dr. Simon. It is exactly for that reason, that I did not ask my husband to go to attend any counseling, this time. Many professionals simply are not trained and qualified in dealing with these individuals. And from my past experiences only seems to make things worse. I simply cant stand to watch him smchooze every person out there that he encounters- in his grooming behavior as i’ve heard it labeled. So is the stealth, covert, nicest guy you want to meet, professionally successful, personally not so much but pretends to the world that he is oh so good but the victim of a crazy spouse, fall inthe spectrum? He use health issues (sometimes mfgd) anytime he needs to get out of something. Will go to dr., complain, usually get some tests and prescriptions yet never take them or follow advice. He can play both sides so perfectly- it is beginning to discust me how he manipulates everything but to no avail. Except thinking he has fooled me once again in his escapades. I am so over it, yet because I see myself as someone with her own set of behaviors in this dance of a marriage. Yes i’m the codependant part of our relationship. I acknowledge my own set of difficulties that I struggle with and while I have recently made big changes in my personal life (working again, in contol of my emotions, deciding to stop waiting on him before i make improvements. I think that I could handle some of his controlling ways but its the infidelity that I can’t stomach. I think he has become a sex addict ( or was all along and I did not realize this) While I am not afraid of living alone, I more fear the monumental task of divorcing an expert manipulator. Especially since we do get along, like to do lots of same things. But it certainly can sometimes feel like he really doesnt like me, sure he loves me in his twisted way, our life is comfortable but I feel it crumbling away as I loose the respect I once had for him because as quoted from a famous expert on narcissism “though perfectly capable of it, would rather curse the dark than light the candle” to improve the situation ( sorry i cant remember his name). That’s how I am feeling about him more and more. He would rather blame me for his unaccomplishd dreams and goals than get off his victim high horse and do something about it. But he has no energy for that as he gives it all to his whores. Sorry but these women disgust me. I may have been married to an abuser they choose to lower themselves by hooking up with unavailable men. My question is (and i probably know the answer) I know the smart and best choice is to divorce this man i have have spent 20 roller coaster years with. I always said my vows came too true , i got the best and the worst in my marriage. But I still love him crazily enough though it gets harder everyday. The love is slowly dying, maybe thats okay but i dont think he will let this end peacefully and make my life hell again. How do I decide? I am so completely torn.

    1. Wow, I emphasize with you! I’m in a similar but not as bad situation. (only emotional infidelity and I think his NPD is due to underlying low self-esteem as described in one of the articles on here). I too worry about being manipulated in a divorce situation (married 18/19 yrs). You have done so much more than me though. I work for him (but draw no salary), my emotions are out of control. However, I am ready to make some improvements in myself. I emphasize and will pray and send positive thoughts/energy your way; it’s all I know how to do. Blessings & Strength to you

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