“Regret, Sorrow and True Contrition” Comments, Page 1

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5 Comments (One Discussion Thread) on “Regret, Sorrow and True Contrition”

  1. Another great article. This is so true. Without consequences severe enough to cause someone significant pain or loss, they may feel bad for a short time but as soon as everything returns to “normal” they forget about it. Then the cycle repeats again and again.

  2. When a disfunctional character says he/she is sorry and sheds a tear or two, but there’s no real experience of regret or feelings of true contrition, they are acting at the “hearts and chocolates” stage of the cycle of abuse. In an abusive relationship, there’s a tension building stage, the next stage is when the incident of abuse takes place and the third stage is this “hearts and chocolates” or “honeymoon” stage, where the abuser will resort to anything (like shedding a tear or giving small presents) in order to keep the victim of abuse under control (or by his/her side) and keep the mind game going.

    What I have seen is that, when people are truly sorry, they usually make a significant change that does need to be supported by any small gestures or gifts. When someone regrets whet he/she has done, from the core of their heart and they commit to not doing it again, they don’t go about making promises or letting the world know they “will” change and they “will never” do that again. They just change and they just don’t do it again, without any press release ;-)

    1. Mariana – you so hit the nail on the head. That honeymoon stage is exactly what keeps people in abusive relationships. If they can just weather the storm they know the good part of the cycle is coming and just hang on for dear life until it arrives. It’s nauseating to watch and there is nothing we can do until the “victim” sees this cycle for what it is and stops believing the hearts and chocolates nonsense.

    2. Hello Cyndi,

      I think there’s another important compoment here: Our need to believe someone we love or care about enough, can actually change or is honest when he/she says “I’m sorry,” and I sincerely believe that it is very normal, human, and common that we wish to believe someone can change. After all, “ideally” this would be the best outcome (that someone is honestly sorry, and decides to change.)

      But most people (me included) feel a bit foolish when our wishes and hopes vanish into thin air after seeing the cycle begin again. It took me quite a few cycles to realize that some friends and family members were not exactly sorry and were not even thinking of changing. But, the bright side is that, in the end, I learned ;)

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