“Inattentive Thinking and Character Disturbance” Comments, Page 1

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5 Comments (One Discussion Thread) on “Inattentive Thinking and Character Disturbance”

  1. Yes, this was the daily experience for my marriage. I learned not to ask for or expect any consideration. I had to be satisfied that I knew who I was that I was good by myself without his approval or encouragement and that I and my ideas had worth, and that my ex was simply”Not all there”.
    He was vacant, I was alone in my marriage. Some call people like that, ‘sick’ I call them insane.
    Good for you Dr. Simon, that you can sit and deal with these people. My hat is off to you.

  2. I agree. The problem then lies when you want to “call them on it”. They deny it, “I didn’t say that, do that or you didn’t say that, do that” You go in circles and your relationship doesn’t get too far. You don’t grow as a couple and you can’t say that your needs get met. Whenever i forget about a need that I expressed maybe a year ago and move on to a new need, he will then pull out an old need and meet that. That way he can say that he is meeting my needs, even if I no longer have that need. But waiting for a small need to get met for a year or years takes the fun and specialness out of the relationship. I have to fight or give ultimatums. Oh such fun. AND he denies that he fights me.

  3. READER BEWARE: these profiles are very simplified. People and their behaviors are rarely simple. My husband fits this profile but he has a very different diagnosis. He is a kind, generous, moral and loyal man but living with him is very lonely. He certainly filters what he hears and is interested in what interests him and forgets the things I talk about that don’t interest him. He never takes a hint but if he’s asked or told directly what is expected, he does it. When the first Palm Pilot came out, I bought him one and called it the greatest marital device ever invented. When I talked, he’d make a note and he’d remember and act on it. For the first time, I felt like I was being listen to. There is not much spontaneity which is kind of sad but he IS NOT the selfish person described in these articles. Some people describe Asperger’s Syndrome as an example of the extreme male brain. Try not to throw the baby out with the bath water.

    If you’re just beginning a relationship and experience this behavior, you don’t have much to lose by ending it. If you’re married and have children, there SHOULD be a lot of incentive on your part to do spend time learning about Asperger’s Syndrome. You may find you have a child with similar behavior patterns. Then what do you do? Tell the kid “you’re just like your other parent–you drive me crazy, that’s why I got a divorce!” Do that any you WILL find yourself on this website as an abusive parent.

    Sadly, marriage counseling invariably makes matters worse because the therapist does not understand the underlying problem.

    1. I appreciate the quality of this comment.

      There is a tone in many of the article titles here and in “most of us think….” that seems specifically calculated to provoke anger and divide society.

      I was also reading today on a new type of therapy out of Canada called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Dr. Susan Johnson and Dr. T. Leanne Campbell. I saw some of their method on video. I am amazed by their compassion and sincere desire to establish foundational tools for healing.

      This “whipping” approach, rife with character judgments and extreme assumptions, does not seem to embody that same desire.

  4. Hi, Aspergated. Your point is well taken. I’m only sorry that it was not clearer to you from the post that the phenomenon we are labeling “inattentive thinking” refers to a deliberate and erroneous way of viewing reality common to individuals with disturbed characters. It’s part of a series of articles on several “thinking errors” common to these individuals and a follow-up to a series of articles on character disturbance in general. Those articles make it fairly clear what character disturbance is and is not. They also make it clear that no one characteristic or thinking pattern defines the phenomenon, but rather a clustering of characteristics.

    Although there can be secondary character issues present even in Asperger’s syndrome individuals, they are likely to pale in comparison to the issues presented by the developmental disorder. In my family, there are 4 children with autistic spectrum disorders, so I’m sensitive to the need for greater understanding in that area. Unfortunately, there is also a great need these days to understand the nature of character disturbance, which is why I have posted no less than two dozen articles related to the topic. I hope that you will acquaint yourself with the entire series and its overall intent.

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