“Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality” Comments, Page 7
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112 Comments (35 Discussion Threads) on “Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality”
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I’ve just spent most of the day reading this site and it’s an eye opener for me – I have been second guessing my responses to my husband’s actions for years, believing that he couldn’t really, purposefully, behave the way he has done. I’ve been married 15 years and have been through a huge range of difficulties with my husband’s lying, financial manipulation, belittling and put downs.
I do love him some of the time but don’t want to waste the one life I have on someone who doesn’t appreciate me and only says loving things if he notices I am withdrawing. I find he says “I love you” in order to get me to say it back to him, especially after an argument.
Anyway, as you can see, things are very mixed up and I am so thankful for finding this website – maybe it can help me clarify some things and move forward. At last I no longer think I’m imagining problems and that it is reality (not me going mad). Thank you.
Thank you for the kind words. I’m so happy you found the post informative and helpful. I trust you’ll find some of the related posts and also my 3 books equally helpful.
I have a friend who is brain washed from a woman who uses manipulation tactics for him to stay with her. Everytime he breaks it off with her she stalks him and hounds him into guilt as to why they should be together. How do you help someone in this case.
I am responding because I have over 20 years experience with a covert aggressive narcissist and I have nothing positive to say about this type of relationship. They may appear charming and nice at times but trust me, there is a heavy cost. My sincere advice is to find some way to leave asap and never look back. Once I am free, I will never mention my husband’s name ever again because I fear contaminating my new life with his evil and yes, I think they are evil.
To the one poster who was concerned about her PA husband possibly harming her physically- well, yes, it’s VERY possible- especially if he’s got some type of dissociative disorder and I know first hand that trying to prove malicious intent is practically impossible.
These types of people are dangerous because they are so unable to regulate their anger emotions. Everything is conditional and they know how to keep score in ALL relationships. If you take away their debit card because they constantly over-draw your account, YOU will pay and be accused of treating them like a child which warrants them punishing YOU. They are always the victims, never the perpetrator or the reason why you get frustrated and depressed or as in my case, physically ill with severe PTSD. Please heed my advice and run for the hills before you are penniless and trapped or worse. They will make sure that you are unable to leave them. We all deserve unconditional love and respect and I hope that each of us will honor ourselves by removing anyone from our life that doesn’t want to provide that.
Well, it’s a year since my wife and her relationship, as she calls them, became blatant to me. Since August 2015, her 4 year flaunting and flagrant affairs have dominated her thoughts and actions, even thru her mother’s deathbed and funeral this past spring.
She sickly, morphed herself as The GOOD WIFE; though now i remember memories of her other extra relationships, dating back to our being steady in HS, in 1971. Amazing, I see myself still wanting her… but only by a very small fraction. Your book was read many times, several times alone and out loud. My, my what a mess. I hope young teens will read your books or your youtube.
Beyond my wife, I now see theM and their victims, easily. My mom, brother, club members, politicians… actually, animals can have hyper cloaking deceit directed toward their own. They are normal, but then mean, and quiet…but exploding in anger and raging energy just long enough to get what they want, or to stop others from getting what they want.
I know I don’t have much time. Days or months, not years.
Are these disturbed agressive personalities genetic? Her grandfather was the same, as well as a brother. But, now I see these traits in a few of my adult children, once kind and caring. Can it be trained into others by both hypnotic positives and conscious destruction? Both are needed together. Like oil and vinegar on salads. Helps and harm?
I think I’ve finally found a term for what I’ve been struggling to understand the past few months. So I met this seemingly normal guy and we instantly hit it off. We chatted for about a month during which time we both agreed we’d like to see each other again – or so I thought. Said guy didn’t ask me out despite reiterating that he wanted to see me again. So I asked him out instead and he set a date two weeks away. A week before the date when I mentioned how excited I was to meet, he out-of-nowhere said he had to work overnight the night before and canceled. Then sent me a screenshot of his work chat as proof so I took him at his word. He said he would reschedule for the next weekend but the next weekend came and went without a word from him. When I mentioned that I was disappointed about this but that I understood he had to work, he immediately went offline. He eventually come back online but left my messages on read for a whole day even though he was updating his status. And when he finally replied, it was to break things off. Talk about whiplash! I of course was confused and tried to explain why I was disappointed but what came next was even more bizarre. He went ahead to talk about his financial difficulties and problems at home and at work that had nothing to do with that situation. I felt sorry for him but at the same time I could feel something was not sitting right. Of course I ended up conceding to him without realizing that I was being controlled and manipulated. He used all the tools in the box. Playing the victim. Shaming me. Deflecting. Guilt. Seduction. Lying. Avoidance. Ugh! And I fell for all of it!
I would like to share that for the first time in my 75 years I’m really going to be free from my covert narcissist older sister. I’m living in a place she can’t get to. Maybe I’ll for once get to enjoy complete freedom.