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365 Comments on “550 Reader Comments on Dr Carver’s ‘Loser’ Article”

  1. Thanks, all.
    Yeah… everyone tells me I’m better off without her. But she’s the most attractive, best physical relationship I’ve ever had. I doubt I’ll find another her. I’m literally dying inside every day, knowing she’s being ‘the good her’ for someone else. And to be so completely and totally erased and replaced in THREE WEEKS (when he moved in)… I just feel completely disposable and worthless. After all I put up with and stuck around through, to be tossed aside so easily… it’s devastating.

    M.

  2. WOW… It’s so refreshing yet sad to read this! I realize I’ve been minipulated for almost two years now. He is EVERY single thing mentioned on the list. I’m SO tired of cryin and want so badly to, as my friends say, get back to my old self. I feel SO stupid and “played”. He used me for EVERYTHING….Money, sex, partying, home, car…..ect. He NEVER paid for ANYTHING! We even tried for a child and know that I’m 2 weeks late he cursed me saying ” F… you, get an abortion, I don’t want nothing to do with you”…. WHY? b/c I didn’t have ANY MONEY to SEND TO HIM! He then tells me he’ll just have a baby by someone else. and that “I’m not dependable”. I could go on and on. This all within the last 3 days! Please pray for me. That i will gain my self worth again and for his Conviction! Anybody with advice on how to let get and the steps of moving on please please help. God Bless you all. KC

  3. Tasha, Michael, Kathryn;

    I don’t mean to generalize but all of you have something in common: You have been in and out of “loser” or “abuser” relationships and are having issues getting over them.

    My best advise based on my present experience is:

    1) Don’t get back with your “losers” under any circumstances.

    2) You may be feeling lonely and on the rebound; do whatever you can to get professional help, counseling, support from friends and relatives to get over your “loser”.

    3) Understand your personalities; you are all good people and worthy of the same, still, you can be magnets for “loser” type personalities.

    Think of your situations like a junkie needs their fix; you may be in pain now but if get back into the existing relationship or a similar one, it will get that much worse before you hopefully realize what you deserve and are missing in a partner.

    Me, I didn’t understand; yes, I avoided 1) above like the plague but “somehow” ended up with another “loser” type. I was lonely and still on the rebound; I just didn’t understand.

    Please, take your time. You will eventually heal emotionally. Once you do, take off the blinders, be selective and pick a mate that you all deserve to be with.

    It’s time to go home to my “situation”, my second of such in the past 5 years. Yes, the situation is improving, still, I know that it will be me that will have to eventually leave. In your case your were used, abused then dumped; the rejection hurts. In my case, I am being used and abused but feel “guilty” about doing the right thing for myself.

  4. Morris

    Thank you for your advice. I have started seeing my counsellor again and we have agreed a programme of counseling to ensure that I have final closure and distance myself permanntly from this man. I believe I can do this but first I need to recognise why I needed to be with someone like him and understand what I do need – a bit like reprogramming myself! It will be like being an alcoholic and I will always have to be on guard but I truly believe that this abuse can and MUST be stopped now and end here. I owe it to myself when I see people around me who have got on with life and have successful equal loving relationships. I want that too.
    I am really excited – over Christmas I am meeting half my family who I haven’t seen for 30 years since my parents parted when I was a child. We got in touch recently and when I told my ex, he immediately rubbished them as I believe part of my attraction for him was that I was so vulnerable – i.e no family or support network to highlight his dreadful unacceptable behaviour. To be honest, I felt so embarrassed with my ex because it really brought it home to me that whilst my cousins who I am to meet up with again have all longlasting happy marriages and children, I have spent 17 years with someone in a desperate dreadful abusive relationship with nothing but heartbreak to show for it.
    Now it’s time to put that right and let myself heal and go in the outside world and have fun and hopefully when the time is right I will meet someone decent. It won’t be easy after 17 years but if I work at it then I truly believe I can do it.

  5. Wow…this article was amazing and just saved our family from alot of grief. I am the mom of a 15 year old daughter that had a 17 year old boyfriend that had 18 of the 20 loser points mentioned in the article. Until I read this article I had no idea that his behavior was considered abusive. The trap I fell into was answering his extreme amount of calls when he cried for weeks about this all being his fault and wanting her back and loving her so much…I believed him instead of realizing he was ill. My daughter kept saying she doesn’t ever want to see him again and really did a wonderful job of recognizing that she wasn’t happy after 5 months and trying to end it in a permanent way. He kept calling me when she didn’t answer her phone and I would feel sorry for him. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t stumble on your article. I was looking for break-up advice for teens so I would know what he might do next and this just opened my eyes. Thankfully he was never physically abusive to her although she said he always played rough…but I can see now that it could of been headed that way in the future. What caught my eye and hit home the most to make me read the article was “if it’s too good to be true, it is”. I think these kind of people are very charismatic, at least he was so it was very difficult to detach from him. After 3 months since the breakup – last week my husband and I had a final talk with him – made him delete all our numbers and my daughter packed up all the stuff she had from him and my husband gave them back to him…he finally said he would stop and he realizes they just weren’t meant to be. He’s going in the Marines in July so hopefully we are permanently done with him. Looks like he’s got a new girlfriend (victim). Thanks so much!!!!!

  6. Hi

    I hope this is okay to mention here.

    I have just read a great book which identifies all the qualities of my ‘loser’ and also goes into detail about the kind of people who are attracted to ‘losers’, how to change your response to your loser from reactive to active and also how you can handle the situation more positively if you wish to stay and gives clear cut advice about how to handle leaving.

    I appreciate that the book will not apply to everyone’s situation but in my case it really identified my ‘loser’ and is helping me have closure. The book is called ‘Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them’ by Susan Forward and Joan Torres and published by Bantam.

  7. Dear Dr. Carver,
    A relationship I was in for 11 months ended recently. Financially, I am depleted, and in debt. She (my ex girlfriend) has used electronic methods to track my movement via GPS, has used snoopware to turn on the microphone of my phone, has used other people to follow me, has listened to conversations by bugging my computer and using it as a listening device. I am aware now that this is happening. 2 months ago I was unaware and feeling fearful. I am a healthcare professional. She states now that she has moved on with her life, and that she wasted a year of her life. She also made comments like ‘i will take you out’ i’m so angry I could kill you, etc…. I agreed to pay her health insurance payment for this month and do not even have adequate resources to pay my own bills. However, she is demanding the money that I promised her which amounts to $700. I am still paying her cellphone bill which has been under my name for the past 6 months. She wants me to let her keep the phone service and change the mailing address to her home so that she can pay it from now on….I am unsure if I can add her name to the account and do this, or even if this is the right thing to do. She has people she knows rev the engine of their car at night in an attempt to make her presence known and to control. I am just beginning to attempt to reconnect to friends and family. I have supportive people and a counselor. I believe she wants me to be paranoid and crazy so that people will think that I shouldn’t practice or counsel anyone. She continues to listen to phone conversations and monitor my whereabouts both using others to stalk me, and by electronic means. Family members and friends are aware of this, but all are careful not to make any allegations that cannot be proven. She says she has moved on….but continues to punish me for being dishonest about how much money I had saved, and for not disclosing details or the existence of my first marriage (I was married twice) She cites my dishonesty as an issue and although I was not totally honest with her, I have attempted to make amends. The last thing I promised her was the $700 for health insurance. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

  8. Dr,Carver, Thanks for your help. After researching more on this I realize is my need and tendency to codependcy to be a magnet person like my ex-husband. Now I need some advice, a therapsit told me that I should not rely so much in Alanon, since it can create dependecy, on the other hand my friends gave simmilar advice. I need recovery since I wan tto heal out of this situation. Do you have any suggestions for a recovery program or guidelines to continue on the track. besides the no contact, (also I want to say I come to the blog, in order to read some of the stories, these help me to keep on track, and remind me that as tempting as it is the sweet side of him he can cause me pain). What would be your advice for us to shift an start healthy relationships?

  9. All,

    Hope that you had a decent break over Christmas and New Years; please feel welcome to read my bio.

    Nancy,

    You mentioned something at the end about a shift to healthier relationships; this struck a chord in me. As you read other stories you will see many similarities. In my case, I am in my 2nd “loser” marriage and am trying to come up with the courage to get out of it.

    One of my friends and member of my support group is a lady whom was in an abusive marriage for 20 years. One of the things she mentioned was that “healthy” people can somehow pick up on “unhealthy” or, in our case “unsure” people. Once my situation is finally over, if and when I do get involved again, I realize that there is work to be done for me, by me.

    All of us here, are good decent people; the common theme though seem to be esteem issues. As I mentioned in one of my letters, people like us seem to be magnets for abusive or loser type personalities. My friend said something interesting in that people like us, those that are still unsure of ourselves, have difficulties meeting “normal healthy” people.

    In conclusion, before we can start into healthy relationships, we too, have to BELIEVE that we are also healthy! In my present marriage, I have come a long way. My wife has gone to Asia for close to 4 weeks to visit her family. This was expensive for me but while she was gone, I have done normal, healthy activities such as X-Country ski with my friends, work out more and be with more people! I am starting to become more and more whole again.

    Before my wife left, she remarked how I have changed over the past few months for the worse. I took this to be a complement of the highest order. The more self-assured that I become, the more uncertain my wife gets; this leads to more discourse, however, I am learning how to handle her anger.

    One of my friends and another confidant is frustrated why I seem to keep playing the victim. She is correct and I have taken the advise to heart; rather than fight with my wife and give in to her (notice the AND), I am doing the activities that I used to do before I met her. I am becoming less and less a victim and more and more self-assured like a whole person!

    Remember, “losers” act like they have it all together, but, as we all know, are anything but “whole”. We, as victims, think of ourselves as losers but in all reality are not! I wish you luck in finding yourself, your true self; this is the good person that deserves likewise.

  10. All,

    My wife is returning in about a week; she has been visiting family in Asia for close to 4 weeks. Since she has gone, I have lost about 10 pounds and am much healthier. I have rejoined my health club and will go out with my outdoors group once a week, I have been going out with them much more since my wife left. I have drawn up the divorce and offer letter papers; am having trouble “fine-tuning” these. It seems that my sense of urgency is there when my wife is “here”.

    There is a certain amount of dread in the pit of my stomach. I think that this is a “healthy” reaction in that I am not shutting things out as I was before.

    I am trying to see my situation in the “big” picture and not react whenever my wife has an “episode”. Am realizing that my situation is not healthy, still, am feeling more anxiety in anticipation of my wifes “return”.

    Any advise on how I can destress my situation? I am feeling some pressure from friends to get on with it and pull the trigger. Still, I don’t feel emotionally ready yet or is it just the fear getting in my way? On the other hand, I am making progress with my personal goal of becoming “whole” in this marriage so when I do get out, the situation won’t happen again!

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