Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers

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Other articles by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor

76 Responses to “Overwhelming Response to Threads on Relationship Losers”

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  Managing Editor

  16th July 2007

  76

  Hi folks,

  We’ve had such a great response to this latest post on Dr Carver’s ‘loser’ article (and the page has grown so giant!) that we’ve opened a new thread with a new post on relationship losers:

  http://counsellingresource.com/features/2007/07/16/more-on-losers/

  Please head on over to the new discussion thread if you’d like to share your experiences with manipulative and controlling behaviour, or if you’d like to ask Dr Carver for feedback on your own situation.

  All the best,
  Greg

• 

  Sarah

  15th July 2007

  75

  Dear Dr. Carver,

  Hello, I am a twenty-year old college student and I am trying to deal with a situation but am wondering if you could offer a little advice. I read your article as well as many of these posts. I feel my mother is involved with a “loser” and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. A quick background - she had me when she was 18, right out of high school, she left my biological father due to his drug use at the time (I have never met him). She then married a man in her early twenties whom she divorced five years later. She then quickly married another man in less then a year. This was an emotionally abusive relationship for both her and I. Seven years later he decided he was leaving, and she found out he had been cheating on her and lying to her for about a year. At this point she pretty much had an emotional breakdown and became very depressed. Rather than seeing a psychiatrist though, she met someone new and fell for him. This is where the current part as well as my situation begins.
  She went on a date with him and completely fell for him. She never healed emotionally from the previous relationship and completely submerged herself in this one. He was rich and gave her everything she wanted. I of course was opposed to it from the beginning - because I could see that she needed time to herself to heal. Anyways, he treated her good but then became very moody and controlling; to the point where I felt I didn’t know who my mother was anymore. After about a year of living with him, she decided to leave. He made her feel like she was crazy and completely in the wrong. He refused to return her calls and wouldn’t talk to her for about four months. Finally when he “gave her a second chance” and she fell for him again. This time though, she became pregnant and now their child is ten months old. She now wants to leave at least once every two weeks, but feels she can’t because she wants to stay together for the baby. He also makes her feel that if she ever did leave again, he would never give her “another chance” and that he would “fight for his child”. Another side of the issue is that over the course of their relationship, he has made her financially dependant on him. He made her quit her job because he wanted her to stay at home with the baby. He also convinced her to use the money she got from her previous divorce settlement to invest in the remodeling of “his house” where she lives.
  I have been watching this situation divulge from afar, as I have been an hour away at school for the past two years. This summer I began taking classes at a school in the city where they live and agreed to live with them for the summer. Since May, I have witnessed his controlling and manipulative ways and it makes me very sad. He has complete control over my mother. He doesn’t agree with the way she parents me and continuously tries to interfere on our relationship. He claims that he is mean to me because he does not agree with the way I treat her. Finally, last week she was talking to my grandmother (her mother) and me and, on her own terms, decided that she was leaving. She seemed to be back to her normal self. Then they went on a road trip for the weekend and spent time together. In that time he convinced her that she had been treating him poorly and that no one in her family treats her the way she deserves. He completely flipped the situation and manipulated her into thinking the exact opposite of what she had only two days before. When she returned I told her how I felt and that not only I, but her entire family as well as her best friend felt the same way regarding him. It escalated to the point where she informed me that if this is what it comes down to she may have to end her relationships with her entire family, including myself, for the man she loves. And this is where I stand. I am feeling completely lost and alone. I am living at my aunts’ for the time being but am not sure where to go from here or what to do. My relationship with my Mom means so much to me and it scares me that I will lost that to his controlling and manipulative ways. If you have any advice I would appreciate it greatly.

  Thank you

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  Bill Smith

  14th July 2007

  74

  Like Dr carver said….these losers are psychopaths and sociopaths. Reasoning with them is useless. Feeling sorry for them is a waste of energy. Trying to help her next victim will only being me more harm. Once you break off contact go into follow up protection and set up security to minimize the risk of them intruding via phone calls….all of my ex-losers numbers are muted. They are not blocked because that would set her off. Any voice mail is deleted without listening to a word. Emails are filtered to trash. Text messages are deleted and not read. One of her last abusive profane messages to me was recorded just in case. My bank is on alert as she attempted to obtain a credit card in my name. I told her once that I had mutual funds and stocks…..her response was ‘put the
  f—ing money in a regular bank account. Sure so she can steal checks from me and forge my name. I recently realized that she likes to abuse opioids and frequently goes to the doctor or dentist complaining of pain. I also know that she sued someone for sexual harassament. These losers will do anything to punish people and to get money. I even think that my-ex loser had prostituted herself had multiple abortions as a method of birth control and then had a hysterectomy. She told me what she thought I wanted to hear because I am a pain management specialist. She said she had an endometrial ablation and tubes tied because of that. These losers lie all the time about anything and everything. They change jobs frequently just like they do relationships. Don’t think twice about getting them out of your life. At one point I told my ex-loser that I was so tired and sick…I must have lupus…I have to have tests….I really feel tired…so hard to go into work. I wasn’t really sick…I wanted her to think that I was of no use to her anymore….no value…no money given to her, and no more sex. She didn’t like the last one….she used sex to manipulate me every single time I was with her 2 to 3 times a week sex. And for her it was meaningless….she said it is just to get her off. I knew something was wrong when just prior to almost every sexual encounter she would turn her head slightly and look at me with those blank, dead eyes and say-
  “you want to f**k me don’t ya!”. I would say if that is what pleases you. I just wouldn’t say it that way. Additionally, she would request that I talk dirty to her during sex..use profanity. I knew she was screwed up. Overall u learned a lot. I am grateful for the experience as it enabled me to not only help myself but my patients as well. There are lots of the loses out there.
  We have to educate ourselfs to pick up on early warning signs.

• 

  Joseph M Carver Ph D

  14th July 2007

  73

  Some good comments from people with experience with Losers and Abusers. It’s important to remember that personality disorders don’t show their true behaviors at first. In fact, personality disorders are “social chameleons”. After a few dates they know what you’re looking for…and they gradually become that person. If you mention that a previous partner was lazy - they’ll be cleaning your house the next day. If you’re looking for a “sensitive partner” - they’ll talk about their mother on the next date. They start giving you the impression that you’ve found Mr./Miss Perfect.

  As their true behaviors surface, they produce excuses for the behavior. As it becomes worse, they begin to blame you for their behavior. They actually give you the impression that you’re creating problems in the otherwise-wonderful relationship. Some personality disorders are romantic conartists while others are criminal conartists.

  As I mention in the opening of my article, a relationship with a Loser is damaging. There are losses - self-esteem, sometimes money, sometimes a laptop, and as Mack discovered - sometimes good people. Detachment from a Loser often requires detachment from their family, friends, coworkers, etc. It’s a sad situation, but continued contact with the Loser’s family and associates provides an avenue/channel of contact for the Loser. Those contacts also provide the Loser with information about your status, helping him/her decide when you might be more vunerable for recontact.

  Lastly, Lori mentions how she craved for his attention and affection. Isn’t that a normal, loving reaction? The problem is that a Loser can’t give that back. When two people crave each others attention and affection - what a great romance! There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Had he been a healthy partner it would have worked out well. In personality disorders, however, loving them can’t make them love you back. We can love a shark with all our heart - it will still eat us! Loving someone doesn’t protect us from what or who they are. For this reason, we must select partners who can love us back. At the same time, it’s a good idea to keep some shark repellent handy.

• 

  Sally

  13th July 2007

  72

  Like Lori, I too have been following accounts of other people’s experiences with ‘Losers’. Everyone who has made a comment, bar none, have come across as intelligent, articulate people with strong personalities. If that is the case, how on earth have we allowed ourselves to have been taken in by these controlling characters?
  I have read The Stockholm Syndrome and understand when under pressure, you can behave in that way, but looking back, I am appalled and shocked that I could have been duped in such a way, even going back to him after being threatened with rape.
  Before I met the ‘Loser’ I didn’t know such a personality disorder existed. How can this be publicised more, because it should. I fell upon this site purely by chance. There must be countless victims out there who are suffering immeasurably without knowledge of what is happening to them, let alone getting help.
  I feel huge guilt that I am not helping his present victim who I know is going through hell. ( I’m still on the back burner but ignoring his pledge of love for me) I can’t help her because I have to protect myself but that makes me feel so selfish.

• 

  Lori

  13th July 2007

  71

  Reading other stories here is very empowering and I learn from everyone’s experiences. Thank you all for sharing your insights and advice.

  Thinking of it, I am not even sure what my loser baited me with. He was an a-hole most of the time, superficially charming and usually bearable only when drunk. He was socially inappropriate, could not remember half the stories he told or things he did, and went out of his way to be aloof. I guess because he “opened up” to me over time, divulging info about his life, I felt like a special person learning all the secrets he couldn’t share with anyone else. Perhaps he was just being manipulative and I had a savior complex.

  What I especially found strange among all his odd behaviors: I would make a unique observation about him. A few weeks later, he would attribute such a comment to another female that he was desperately fancying, adding how he “always remembered” what the women he loved said. I seriously could not tell if he truly believed this other person made comments that I made, or he was trying to insult me.

  My self-esteem has been impacted, I think, because I was attracted to this loser in the first place and allowed this loser’s opinions to make me doubt who I am. I DO feel worthy, and I DO feel beautiful. However, wanting him and getting involved with him has made me feel “ruined” as if I would never recover from making such a mistake.

  I am appalled that I *craved* his admiration and attention and affection, all of which he purposely withheld. The fact that I even NOW want to hear from him upsets my stomach and gives me a headache. But, I realize the feeling will go away and it’s so much better in the long run never to ever hear from him again.