4 Tips for a Toxic Workplace: When Your Boss or Co-Worker is a Covert-Aggressor
Dealing with someone who is covertly aggressive is always a challenge — and especially so in the workplace, where we can feel trapped. Here are four tips to help cope with this kind of manipulative behavior.
Most folks hate to be cast in a negative light, and even some of the most aggressive characters try to avoid being seen as the ruthless people they can sometimes be. That’s why covert-aggression is one of the most common types of behavior you’ll encounter. When someone really wants to hoodwink or take advantage of you, keeping their aggressive intentions under wraps is a good way to help guarantee success. I’ve written several articles (see, for example, “When Passive-Aggression isn’t Very Passive”) as well as a major book (In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]) on differentiating covert from passive aggression and dealing more effectively with the manipulative aspects of this common and problematic behavior in relationships. But what do you do when the covert-aggressor in your life is your co-worker or, even worse, your boss?
Lately, I’ve been getting an unusual number of emails from individuals in several different countries lamenting the extent to which they find themselves dealing with covert-aggression in their workplace. Their stories are very similar; here is a typical example:
I’m so glad I came across your book, “In Sheep’s Clothing”, because it describes perfectly a person I work with. She’s a very intelligent person, has a master’s degree, and is one of the top sales reps in our company. Sometimes I think the nature of her job might feed her need to always win. And sometimes I wonder if there aren’t some things built into the fabric of the corporate environment that don’t encourage or even reward the kind behavior she displays.
What gets to me is that she always seems to be ‘winning’ at someone else’s expense. She seems to wage war on anyone she thinks stands in her way, and recently she’s turned her sights on me. This woman is like Jekyll and Hyde. She can seem like your ‘best friend’ if she thinks you can help her get what she wants. But do or say anything that she thinks keeps her from victory, and she’ll back-stab you in a heartbeat. She’s constantly undermining and manipulating, yet she always seems to get her way. It makes me think about how destructive the model of ‘success at all costs’ can be.
I don’t really love my job that much but I’m afraid to leave it because I probably wouldn’t be able to make as much money doing something else. Still, it might be worth the peace of mind to not have to deal with this woman’s behavior day in and day out. Everyone wants to win, myself included. But it seems like there have to be limits, boundaries, rules, etc., and I don’t know if I can take what this environment has become like anymore.
For many reasons, it’s a real challenge to deal with manipulative, back-stabbing behavior in the workplace. For one thing, it’s easy to feel trapped by our work situations. Everyone needs employment, and sometimes personal circumstances make it very difficult to simply walk out of a bad environment. Still, there are some things a person can do to maintain sanity and keep things manageable:
- Don’t Get Lured into Playing the Game
- Value the person you are and stay true to yourself. Don’t try to outmaneuver your manipulator. Be straightforward in your dealings with everyone and don’t threaten reprisals — the less of a threat you appear, the less likely you are to be targeted. Always keep a keen eye out for the ‘win-win’ opportunities.
- Cultivate and Nurture Your Support System
- No doubt there are others in your workplace who identify with your situation and concerns. Network with those who share your principles and are likely to value mutual support. Don’t try to form combative alliances, pitting your ‘team’ against your rivals, but make clear your readiness to afford support to others and be sure to nurture and value the support others might provide you.
- Be Assertive
- You don’t have to sit and take destructive behavior. Address your issues and concerns directly but also calmly and without hostility. Honor your principles and stand your ground. But pick your battles carefully and don’t nitpick. You don’t want to send the signal that you’re a doormat, but sometimes you do just need to pull back or let go when something’s not really worth fighting for.
- Accept the Risk That Comes With Employment in the Free Marketplace
- …and be prepared to leave if necessary. Some risks inherently accompany the dynamic nature of the working world. And some working environments are so toxic that they can pose a real hazard to your mental and emotional health. Don’t allow yourself to become too dependent upon any particular job or position. And don’t automatically assume you can’t afford to make a change if you really need to. Once you’ve come to terms with the risks involved, you might find that seeking a new opportunity is the best move you ever made.
Unfortunately, the prevalence of ‘character disturbance’ has increased in recent years, along with all forms of aggression, including covert-aggression. Too many folks no longer have a sufficient sense of shame or guilt to inhibit themselves from doing things that negatively impact on others. And the highly competitive and insecure environments of many workplaces only increase the likelihood you’ll encounter a toxic boss or co-worker at one time or another. I’m fairly certain many readers could share experiences and insights that attest to how problematic and stressful it can be to deal with a covertly aggressive boss or co-worker. But hopefully, the tips I’ve outlined here will be of some help.
Greetings,
I’ve read your book and I want to say that it was very well-written and spot-on in many ways, so thank you for the work. I have two issues with what I’ve come across, however.
One is the suggestion for win-win solutions. This doesn’t work in my experience. Fact of the matter is that the other person WANTS you to lose and so the manipulation keeps happening. That is, you wind back at square one because when you’ve attempted to go win-win, it’s characterized as being sideways or irresponsible, defensive, insecure, etc. When in fact the other person isn’t likely even talking about the subject at hand. They’re either bringing up something to be a ‘prick’ or are trying to get somewhere (i.e., in a romantic situation) that isn’t due yet at that stage. Also, if others around you agree to that pattern (of covert aggression, you’re stuck).
The other is I’ve been thinking about how people use the term “passive-aggressive.” I have only ever heard it used (against others first and then myself) when the other person was wrong/being aggressive. Best example I can think of is there were two coaches one time who had a spat over recruiting. Both refused to speak about it openly, but then one (Bob), when pressed hard, said something akin to “I don’t know, but you can ask Joe (the other coach).” To which the other coach (who had committed a recruiting violation) said that ‘Bob’ was being passive aggressive. But, Joe was wrong. And it’s not as if he didn’t know he was wrong or understand that to be at the source of the friction. More to my point is that Joe was actively (and unfairly, knowingly) breaking rules to get an unfair advantage. Then when someone took a response in light of that behavior, Joe had the liberty to go on the attack.
I seems to me that what people are really saying is “you didn’t fight hard enough (i.e., you’re a punk) or fearlessly enough/ confidently enough to warrant consideration that your position is right.” It’s as if saying if you can’t beat me for your lunch money, then it wasn’t yours in the first place. By calling the person a coward or suggesting that something in inherently wrong with them, they are able to create self-doubt and thereby win. It’s like saying “I can and you can’t stop it, so I’m right.” And THIS is HIGHLY aggressive, but it’s affective. I guess my question is have you seen this? It seems obvious to me, but is very difficult to deal with in real time.
Again, I appreciate your work and wish you well. Take care.
JLG
Thanks for your comments. And you’re right about the fact that oftentimes, win-win situations don’t work because the aggressor is so hell-bent upon the other person’s defeat. My point with it, however, is that given the 4 possible outcome options I outline in my books, a win-win is at least a possible alternative to the “I win, you lose” preference, at least for some more amenable aggressive personalities, so it’s worth a try.
Good comments about active vs. passive aggression, too. Passive aggression is aggression by not doing. It’s not speaking, not-so-accidentally “forgetting, subtly resisting cooperation, etc. And I outline all the major types of aggression (e.g., passive vs. active, covert vs. overt, reactive vs. predatory, etc. in both my books and in some prior posts.
Thanks again for your comments.
Dr Simon, if you think it’s your boss who is covert aggressive would you recommend leaving? My boss is very charismatic and intelligent but I feel intimidated by him.
He sometimes uses profanities when he gets angry at work (when talking about work me or others have done). He’ll openly discuss the performance of some people who work for me in front of others (in terms of whether they are doing a good job, should we keep them), as well as talk about firing others.
When I first started I had a woman working for me that was rude and unproductive, he asked what I thought of her, and I told him she wasn’t good. He called her in with me and swore at her. He later told me that he got rid of her for me, and that I had good support in the new people I’d brought in. I felt bad about what happened then, and wish I’d stuck up for her, and I can see his behaviour reflected in later dealings.
He also expects people to work weekends and evenings when needed, but never does it himself. I’m looking for other jobs (I’m lucky as got certain skills) but I keep thinking I should stay and try and assert myself (I like my colleagues and the work). But I’m thinking my health will suffer.
Thanks for the comments and the question, Elles. From what you say, there’s a lot more going on with respect to the character of this man than just covert-aggression, and much of the aggressive behavior you describe is anything but covert. It’s your call whether there’s enough about the job to keep you invested in it and whether you feel you have sufficient safety in this environment as well as the skills necessary to deal with his behavior. But the fact that he has engaged in certain unnerving behaviors right in front of you and without any apparent compunction is a huge red flag that almost anything is possible.