“Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why” Comments, Page 2

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72 Comments (16 Discussion Threads) on “Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why”

  1. Thanks…that is a comforting thought. I will hang on to that one.
    I became aware it (gaslighting/scapegoating) was happening to me about 5 weeks in to the job but thought it would be best, in this job market, to stick it out to a year. I’m the end I was constantly second-guessing myself and wondering what I could do differently to make them see I was not the problem they said I was, until I totally burned out. I’m afraid I’ve also burned some very negative and anxious thinking pathways into my brain. I’m hopeful I’ll be able to undo the damage at some point.

  2. This is my daughter, sad to say. Once I divorced her father, I never thought I would see this in our family again. The oldest of four children, she has strategically placed people in her life to carry out her “evil deeds”. She now has “cut us off ” and we are not allowed to see our grandson. We know in our “guts” the truth and have no other choice but to wait for the right moments to continue to expose her vicious tactics. How IS the best way to do that?

  3. Excellent article!

    I wish the author used modern day examples where this mechanism is at work as well. I would say Feminists use this tactic all the time.

  4. Can Gaslighters be helped? After reading many articles on it, it was as though the clouds parted and the abuse I have been suffering for years realized. I have been with my husband for 20 years and am considering leaving. For the first time in my life he said he would seek help and read whatever book he had to. We tried finding a therapist……but can’t seem to find anyone “In Network”, which is a whole other issue. But can he do this on his own, and are there any resources you can suggest? I am desperate.

    1. A most interesting question, not only for what I surmise it really means but also for how it’s asked (which is very common, I might add). Folks who use gaslighting and other tactics to manipulate and control people and to resist internalizing the controls necessary to behave more responsibly are already doing just fine when it comes to their purposes in life and don’t need any “help” in doing things any better – nor would they ever dream of asking for it. What the question really means is can they change and what would it take. The answer to that is certainly they CAN, but whether they WILL or not depends upon various important motivational considerations as well as what type of intervention is secured. Traditional pyschotherapeutic approaches are generally ineffective. What these folks need, as opposed to help, is “correction” and in my book Character Disturbance I outline how “corrective emotional and behavioral experience” is facilitated in specialized therapy with a disturbed character who has at least some modicum of the appropriate motivation to change.

  5. Hi Dr. Simon, I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed person who I believe suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD) and gaslighting was a common defense/coping mechanism for her. I now realize that while many BPD behaviors appear to be conscious manipulations (my ex could describe many of hers in precise detail) many are actually defensive, protective mechanisms to divert scrutiny from the intense shame resulting from their lack of individuated self. From a clinical perspective what are your thoughts about the function of gaslighting in those with BPD?

    1. Hi Trio,
      True gaslighting is never a defense/coping mechanism, but rather a conscious, deliberate, and cruel manipulation tactic. And it’s not something intimately connected with BPD, although individuals diagnosed with BPD can certainly have personality traits concommitant with the tendency to use gaslighting and other manipulation tactics. I’ve written some posts on BPD, and in my book Character Disturbance I explain why I think it best (as do other researchers and clinicians) to think of the borderline syndrome not so much as a distinct personality type but rather as a failure of personality integration. And folks with a shaky sense of self can have many different traits in their personality structure. And the reason borderline individuals vary so dramatically in their interpersonal style has a lot to do with what traits dominate their weakly organized personality. Folks with borderline personality organization whose dominant traits are aggressive, narcissistic, or antisocial, etc. are much more prone to the active, deliberate use of manipulation tactics and other modes of destructive interpersonal behavior.

  6. This article is a real eye opener and is both horrifying and reassuring for me. For the past 2-4 years that I’m aware of very close family member is being gaslighted by her husband of 43 years. She is currently trying to fight back/resist/ignore/fathom next steps and I don’t know how best to help or advise her. She is a writer and he is into every single piece she writes- online/on paper etc- whatever she does to try to continue her work she ultimately finds it moved/changed/deleted and bizarrely shared via the internet via umpteen networks and file sharing sites. He also has a seedy secret life that she has recently discovered- of course he denies all of this whilst at the same time leaving breadcrumbs that she can follow to uncover bits of what he is doing. He is some kind of data sharing expert and yet plays dumb and naive about all things technical or computer related. It sickens me as she is a strong independent woman yet has been to breaking point and now doesn’t know what to do to progress her life. We are all aware of this but from respect to her wishes plus complete ignorance as to what is best to do next, we can’t help her directly, and so are left having to play along and humour this cruel and manipulative imbecile. I can’t believe how effectively he has created this character he pretends to be and just wish I knew what she could do next. She would love to be free of him and fully recover her life and her confidence but he is so cold calculating and ruthless that she is fearful of what he would do should she actually attempt anything public and shameful (in his warped mind) such as divorce. Any advice would be enormously appreciated.

    1. Joanne,
      Not sure if it is helpful, but anyways…
      I am quite well versed in computers. The way you have mentioned what he “does”, sounds quite extraordinary something like out of a super-spy movie. Most likely he is not such a big expert, so quite possibly that your friend could potentially be overly reading into everything. I cannot say if this is over-imaginative thinking due to some psychological problem (maybe due to historical gaslighting abuse) or your friend simply treats internet as wonderful pandora box.

  7. There is someone in my life whom I feel has been gaslighting me. She does things exactly the way they are described in your gaslighting revisited article. She contacts people whom she knows are close to me and makes things sound very innocent from her end and is trying to convince others that I have some kind of mental illness. When a relative contradicted her she ignored what was said and continued to try to influence this relative. With other relatives she will be very charming and loving. I can totally relate to what has been described about gaslighting.

    1. Maria,
      I hope you find both articles I’ve written on this subject, the other articles I’ve written on the various other manipulation tactics, and my books on character and manipulation helpful also, as well as empowering.

  8. Dr. Simon; your articles are self-affirming. I have been caught up in everything you have described in ‘gaslighting’. My husband has been lying for at least 9 years that I know about. He:
    -insinuates I am mentally unstable
    -denies he would ever hide his porn & chat sites behind his 2 teenaged son’s identities.
    – says I will never have proof of anything that I actually DO have proof of.
    Controls emails – changes pwd.
    I am feeling caught in indecision because my oldest son cried on my shoulder that he was thinking of committing suicide because he felt his Dad didn’t live him

  9. I have been gas lighted by my husband. I am so relieved to find this out. I literally thought I was losing my mind. We went to marriage counseling and when the focus turned to him because of his actions and comments, he quit. I continued to go because I actually felt like i was crazy and the counselor helped me see I wasn’t. The counselor thought he might have antisocial personality disorder. My husband has been talking about me being abusive to anyone who will listen and believe him. We are separated as of 3 days ago and I can honestly say, I am relieved. I have been praying for peace for a long time and I finally have it. He has put me in dangerous situations. I feared for my safety and my life. I am finally free and while I have some work ahead of me undoing the damage he caused me, I will gladly take that over spending another second with him.

  10. Thanks for this article. Before marrying my husband, I was a confident, outgoing, funloving type of person. I had a great job, lots of friends and family around. Not sure how this all began. What I walked into was a man and his daughters all doing what they wanted, as they wanted, when they wanted. No sense of responsibility or discipline and definitely no respect. I wasn’t raised like that, can’t handle that, my inmates had more on the ball than that. So whenever I tried working on these things, all hell broke loose all around. It wasn’t lying to manipulate the situation into getting his way (his oldest daughter does that though), most commonly the entire subject changes to something to argue on. I blurt, ‘where the hell did that come from’? If I try to steer it back to the current issue at hand, and it doesn’t work. Instead, I end up with my head spinning wondering what the world just happened and he or his daughter sits there acting like the victim because they just portrayed the entire incident as a verbal assault against them on so many different topics like and this is an actual one I’ve heard: I’m responsible for bugs being outside the house. They never saw a bug before I moved here. I endured double dosing of it when I was grieving the loss of both my parents within 18 months of one another. I can’t say anything to them without it being twisted and used against me. If I even try to do something for myself or do something I want to do then I’m self centered and don’t care about him or what he wants. I feel like he just wants me to be a ‘Stepford Wife’ and have expressed that. It starts an argument of how wrong I am, how stupid I am. I can’t even mention my mom around him. If I play with one of my pets, then I’m denying him in favor of the animal. He doesn’t want me to have anything to do with my grown children and grandchild. He has tried shaking me and has driven erratically throwing me all around the car when I have tried getting out at a stop light/sign. He apologizes all the time for his behavior only to repeat it in a few days. I’m seeing this now because I knew, it wasn’t me. I knew there was something that I just couldn’t put my finger on. Now I’m trying to skirt around and find my way back to who I was/am. Just hard when I have no where to go as I don’t think he’s going to change. He refused marriage counseling with his first wife, what is going to make this time any different?

    1. Pam,
      You should try to read “In sheeps clothing” and categorize your observations into the categories mentioned in the book to get a clear picture. I am sure you will benefit.

      One thing I can say for sure… dealing with one character disturbed person is difficult enough, dealing with two such persons is four times the problem. ;-)

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