Dealing With Manipulative People: A Timeless Problem
Manipulation — the art of hoodwinking people into giving you what you want — is an age-old problem. And dealing with manipulative behavior requires something more than the well-worn perspectives of traditional psychology.
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been over 16 years since I wrote my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. The good news is that for all that time, the book has only grown in popularity and thus remained a bestseller. The bad news is that the success of the book and its message gave me little incentive to finish other literary projects.
Early this year, Parkhurst Brothers Publishers released a brand new revision of In Sheep’s Clothing. Although some of the content is new, the problem of manipulation is as old and timeless as human behavior itself. One of the main points I make in the book is that for too long, psychology focused on people’s fears, inhibitions, and insecurities as well as the ways these things can cause problems in one’s life. But the truth of the matter is that human beings do a lot more “fighting” for the things they want in their daily lives than they do “running” from the things they fear. And it’s the underhanded, unscrupulous, subtle ways some people try to get the better of us that can really be a problem at times. That’s especially true when we’re unaware of someone’s tactics until they’ve already done us in. So, manipulation — the art of hoodwinking people into giving you what you want — is an age-old problem.
Manipulative behavior is just one part of a larger problem. Fighting for one’s legitimate needs in a conscientious, respectful, and principled way has never been cause for concern. What is of concern is that not only has manipulative behavior increased, but also all manner of unscrupulous, irresponsible behavior has been on the rise in recent years. And just as traditional psychologies were inadequate at explaining manipulative behavior, they were never really suited to help with the growing problem of character disturbance. Gone are the days when people’s main problems stemmed from their excessive fears and inhibitions. Today’s problems are more the result of the dysfunctional ways folks tend to think about things, the immature and irresponsible attitudes they form, and the problematic behaviors such distorted thinking and maladaptive attitudes inevitably lead to.
Parkhurst Brothers plans an end of July release for Character Disturbance [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], which represents my latest attempt to help folks understand what has become the psychological phenomenon of our age of permissiveness and entitlement. (You can see the publisher’s catalogue page on the book here.) Whereas In Sheep’s Clothing took a hard look at one type of irresponsible character, the new book takes a look at the factors that produce a wide variety of character dysfunction in some people and the problems such dysfunction can cause for relationships and for the general social welfare. As with my first book, Character Disturbance introduces a new perspective on why people are having some of the problems they have and what we really need to do about things to make them better. The ideas in it were fairly radical when In Sheep’s Clothing was first released. But now time, research, and increased awareness have validated the perspective. Still, Character Disturbance attempts to offer some new approaches to dealing with our more timeless problems. And because many of these problems have only increased in recent years and the social “pendulum” of attitudes toward the social factors responsible for the phenomenon has only recently begun to swing back in a healthy way, the timing of the book’s release could not be better.
9 Responses (4 Discussion Threads) to “Dealing With Manipulative People: A Timeless Problem”
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I’m so excited to read your new book, thanks for keeping us updated! Your work is so valuable.
Best,
Upsi
Thanks, Upsi. I really appreciate your kind words. Let me know what you think of the new book!
I really enjoyed “In Sheep’s Clothing.” It’s one of the most helpful books I’ve ever read. Your writing style and the examples you used really “clicked” with me and opened my eyes. I can’t wait to get a copy of the new book. Thanks!
Thanks, Carolyn. I’m excited about the new book getting out there. I’m also hoping that folks will like it at least as much if not more than the first one. All feedback is much appreciated.
Dr. Simon,
Thank you very much for your hard work. I’m looking forward to reading your next brilliant work!
Thank you, Marc for your very kind words. Look for the new book in just about 6 weeks.
As a long standing “neurotic” (as defined in “In Sheep’s Clothing”) I have found your work has become a touchstone for me in helping create healthy boundaries and negotiating the terms of engagement in my day-to-day interactions with covertly aggressive people. The single most important thing I learned was that their behaviour cannot be either blamed on me or explained away by something that happened to them. These people are character disturbed, not bad enough to obviously require help, but manipulative enought to be considered abusive and vexatious. I am really looking forward to the release of your new book and I am sure it will lend deeper insight into this virulent problem in humanity today. Thank you for the wonderful work you do.
Thank you, Melanie. I value this kind of feedback more than you can know, and actually use it to refine and upgrade my work!
Dr. Simon… I have a question…if you have time to answer.
I have always been what you’d call neurotic, but after having a relationship with someone who scared me, a bereavement and other things in the last year, I’ve finally wised-up (and come on here for inspiration.. thank you).
I had someone who took advantage of me in doing work on a family house last year after I was vulnerable after my mother died, he talked me into doing building work and left it unfinished. He was a very old friend but he’s definitely personality disordered. I can’t deal with him, so told someone else in my family who is his friend that if they wanted to, fair enough, but I think we should get someone else in. I just want to cut him out my life, take the financial loss (I paid him) and get someone else in to do the work. He’s a nasty piece of work the way he treats his wife and whenever I spoke to him he’d avoid the question and answer with something else.
My sibling says he’ll get him to finish, and to give him one more chance. I really don’t feel comfortable with him around at all as I don’t trust him around belongings, or even to finish the work, but keep thinking I’m over-reacting as we knew him for so long and others don’t see it who still have him around. I’d much rather take the financial loss than even have him in the house.. even if my sibling deals with him.. should I trust my gut on this one?