The Downsides of Optimism
It makes sense in a difficult situation to look for positive aspects or to find a positive response. It’s certainly unlikely that we’ll find them if we don’t look for them. But is there a cost to optimism as well?
An Extreme Case
I have a friend, whom I’ll call ‘Toni’, dying of an auto-immune condition. Toni may live for years, or die soon; the doctors may be able to put the condition into remission, or not. She is in pain all the time. She is on very strong drugs that block it some of the time. Incredibly, she remains an optimist.
I don’t know how she remains optimistic, and I’m certain that I wouldn’t in the same situation. I’m sure this is a triumph of spirit; it also has a downside. When Toni first got a firm diagnosis — which took a while, as it is a rare condition — she thought she would either die or get her old life back. She felt confident of handling either one.
What is likely to be the case is that Toni will be living with chronic ill-health. She hadn’t counted on this and so hadn’t prepared for it. She had put her normal life ‘on hold’. And then the normal things she had put on hold started ending: jobs, relationships, hobbies, all became impossible to leave on hold. The awful truth is that Toni won’t get her old life back, and she could have prepared in some ways for this. She feels that it would have made it easier if she had. She didn’t prepare because she was optimistic — she didn’t consider the worst case scenario.
This is an extreme case, which thankfully few of us will ever have to deal with.
The More Usual
For myself I am an optimist — it does not seem to be much use being anything else. — Winston Churchill, speech at the Lord Mayor’s banquet, London, November 9, 1954
I am not trying to denigrate optimism. Churchill’s quote makes good sense to me: it makes sense in a difficult situation to look for positive aspects or to find a positive response. It’s certainly unlikely that we’ll find them if we don’t look for them.
I think optimism is a worthwhile principle to operate from most of the time.
All Those Clouds
Every cloud has a silver lining — proverb
One problem I have with this proverb is that there are so many clouds (situations in our lives), and it claims to know about them all. It can become a pre-judgement on any situation: there must be something positive in any situation. It can also be an incitement to examine a difficult situation and see if there is anything positive that we can find.
The biggest problem I have with this optimistic approach to situations is when it is applied insensitively to others in difficulties. To be told to ‘cheer up’, ‘get over it’, ‘look on the bright side’ and so on is pretty awful. Where I have seen this most frequently is people who have been traumatised by a relationship breakup being told that, “There are plenty more fish in the sea”.
Insensitivity to Suffering
Why do people respond insensitively to others’ suffering? My guess is that there are a couple of major reasons. One is that they are caught off guard and surprised. The other is that they feel they are in danger of being overwhelmed by the others’ suffering or are scared of it — the insensitivity is to guard themselves.
Optimism can also lead us to be insensitivity to our own suffering. When I think of this the phrase I hear is, “Oh well, I just have to look on the bright side I guess” (said with a resigned tone).
We may be insensitive to others sometimes; in my experience, we are more often insensitive to ourselves. We can be scared of our own sadness or hurt. It can feel like we’ll die if we really feel how bad we feel. And so we develop ways to distract or numb ourselves. I think this can make sense in the short-term (who wants to feel worse than they have to?) but can have unfortunate consequences if it becomes a habit.
If we habitually suppress or ignore our feelings, then our relationships will likely be impoverished. If you didn’t learn to do this growing up then I think you are a rare and fortunate person — almost everyone I know did learn to suppress their feelings or find ways to distract themselves from them. Some feelings are more welcomed than others (anger is usually regarded as bad), of course, and some situations aren’t hospitable to feelings either (school rooms, with their rigid rows of desks and even more rigid timetables, for instance).
Learning
Usually it is as adults that we learn to be at home with our feelings once again. I’ve learned that (even though I’m male) it’s OK to feel sad — and even to express it. I’ve learned that there are ways to express anger that don’t damage me, anyone else or the furniture. I’ve learned that my feelings are a valuable part of me.
I learned this in small, safe steps. There were breakthroughs — the fruit of very well prepared ground. It was a process of feeling my feelings a little, finding out that this was OK; then doing it again and again. This sounds laborious, and it was in some ways, but each time I felt a little better — so it wasn’t like I was steeling myself to do something unpleasant, it was a process of feeling better and better.
The Downsides of Optimism
So the downsides of optimism are that we may not prepare adequately for bad situations, and we may block awareness of some of our feelings.
I think this may be an unusual take on optimism. I would like to hear your views on the usefulness (or otherwise) of optimism. Comments from pessimists are most welcome. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Tuesday, 9th March 2010.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2010/03/09/the-downsides-of-optimism/
27 Responses (Including 7 Discussion Threads) to “The Downsides of Optimism”
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Mary
11Evan, I am sorry to hear about your friend Toni and I am hoping and praying for comfort for her and you. My friend Nan, came through tough HepC treatment and the drugs will be out of her system in April; a milestone. She had to make end of life decisions while still raising a young son. More people die fromHepC but I am blessed to still have my friend. My best to Toni, and you as a friend.
I appreciate your post today, as I have been getting to know myself and my feelings for the past year and a half; since my divorce.
I’m at this place where you describe, that it’s ok to have feeings.
The optimism while married, was in part a need to focus on my wonderful children as I was raising them. No greater joy than that experience for me. And a whole lot more pleasant than my mate’s odd behavior.
However there came a time, when I needed to look at my optimism and had to take a long hard look at the actions of my mate, and my feelings, which I couldn’t own up to, out of habit. Prior to my children becoming young adults, their needs were more immediate than my needs. So were my mates needs more important than mine.
Truth came a-calling and I began to express my needs for communication regarding various concerns, after all, the time was approaching when our home would be filled with us and memories, and the kids would be moving on. This development was supposed to be positive, and I did have joy for my kids as each graduated and married and the optimism that my mate and I would seamlessly approach the empty nest time……together. The feelings he had weren’t mutual.
I know I wasn’t prepared for his passive aggressive “response” ;>Now as a single person I find I like myself. I never didn’t like me but spent little time on personal development or hobbies as a mom with 4 kids. But that is what I chose!
I did assume my relationship with my mate was secure or if not, that he or I or both of us would face the difficulties together.(Usually it was me that addressed any typical issues of finance, kids, school stuff, suggested and went to counseling if needed, whatever)
Optimism to me is more than just blindly thinking and hoping the best about others or of myself.
Optimism is coming out of deep seated inner security. I rather think of myself as a realist. I do look at the possibilities and try to anticipate without dread, the outcomes. It isn’t possible to always Know what to expect,and yes I have been overwhelmed too, but it is a decision I make to be in charge of my feelings and be in charge of meeting change with knowledge I gain and to have hope. I do seek counsel as needed, as I can’t afford isolation during tough times.
Thank you for this post. These are like Barometers for me to check myself with. I like referring back to these during those tough times, as I certainly don’t have these qualities like “Optimism” mastered just yet.
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11.1
Hi Mary, many thanks for being willing to share your experience and sharing it so articulately. It sounds to me like optimism is about agency or faith for you. Realising our agency – that we have choice about our thoughts, feelings and actions has been very important to me.
Many thanks for your comment and I am glad to hear that the single life is going so well for you.
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Mary12
Evan,
You’re welcome, and I think it is about faith and agency for me, but I must say I absolutely hate the single life and finding that I’m constantly mustering hope!!!!Haaa!I’m just not all that optimistic I’m going to find someone that will put up with my feelings. (and at times, arrogance!)
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13
Hi Mary,
Sorry to hear the single life isn’t going so well. Wishing you well with it.
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Mary13.1
Thanks Evan,
It’s a good thing The Single Life isn’t all there is to life!
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elles
14This is an interesting article. My mother was ill with cancer, she died last year. She had cancer 3 times in 5 years. Each time, more operations, more chemo and radiotherapy.
It used to really hack me off when people said “they have great cures for cancer now you know”. I think people really don’t know what to say, they saw it as “optimism” and didn’t know how to talk to me about what was going on with my mother.
However, since then, I was made redundant 2 years ago (I wanted to so I could look after my mother), I had an abusive relationship (as in he was a narcissist or a sociopath who threatened me), and over the last 6 mths I’ve started to build my life up. Grieved, left my ex. I still can’t get a job.. but I’m okay. To me, that’s optimism. I’m gunning for the jobs I want (I did get offered a couple of things but very badly paid/not right location).
If anyone had said to me a few years ago I was an optimistic person I’d have been like “what???”. Now I can see it. I’m pragmatic, but I think to myself that I have my health, and I have internal resources. And that’s enough for me to feel optimistic, opportunities are ahead.
I did want to say a thank you for this site… this and another blog has helped me, with all the reading/comments on it. Helped me on my journey to optimism;) Honestly, in the past I’d have drowned.
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14.1
Hi Elles,
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and arrived at a positive place, which is great to hear. Thanks for your comment, I hope the job situation improves for you.
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15
Very interesting post and thought-provoking thread. I think we too often define optimism as Pollyanna Thinking or motivational hype. Research suggests that optimism is earned through a track-record of overcoming obstacles. The more obstacles you face and overcome, the more optimistic you will be. This does not imply that you will always get your way. On the contrary, if 100 sales professionals are optimistic about getting the same sale, one wins and 99 are disappointed. But I would suggest that those who have had a track record of staying in the game and being resourceful will have a better batting average.
Research also suggests that optimists are realists. They want to know more about the disease they face, because they believe they can be patient active and work with their medical team to increase their odds. It does not mean I will automatically survive, but I want to increase my odds.
I just finished writing a book, The Optimism Advantage, I think it is a realistic look at what one controls and what one does not. Life is about learning to handle a poor hand as best as possible and to be active in building as positive a life soap opera as possible. The more I put into studying optimism, the more intrigued I am about the power of optimism in making the best of life. It’s in the book stores on Monday and is available now at Amazon.com and your favorite bookstore sites.
I also posted recently on the evidence that optimism plays a role in a positive immune response. Optimism is worth developing, but it isn’t a cure all. At any rate, thanks again for the thoughtful post.
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Mary15.1
I appreciate your post. There are so many good points on this topic!
Sometimes the obstacles have been simply the pessimism of others of influence.While “in my element” raising my children I endeavored to instill optimism in them about their possibilities. I wanted them to look forward, not with dread but with optimism and reality both. Make some plans, learn what’s required, aim for goals and move forward. There’s a momentum that builds, maybe in part due to overcoming those obstacles you mention, but I wonder if it’s also inherently human, not only by way of experience.
Elle’s reference above to internal resources makes sense.One more thing behind optimism for me, is faith and my understanding of how God sees me. Not as overlord but as facilitator of life, while we have it, and of the possibilities for me and for all people.
After experiencing the overwhelming shock in the very real failure of my marriage, I did need to begin finding my footing again. It turns out that the basics are still the same. Make some plans, learn what’s required, aim for goals and move forward. The optimism for me has always come back and doesn’t seem to depend solely on my circumstances, even if inconvenient.
It certainly is important to me to have friends to come along side me for support during difficult times, when optimism is hard to come by. It is just as important to Be that friend or support when my kids or other friends are the ones who are in need.
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15.2
Hi Mary, I’m sure faith makes a difference for many of us. And I really like your analysis of what is required: Make some plans, learn what’s required, aim for goals and move forward.
I think that puts it so well. Many thanks for your comment.
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16
Hi Terry, thanks for your comment. Good luck with the book it sounds great.
It seems to me that you see optimism as grounded in real achievements – in which case I would certainly agree with everything you say.
I haven’t examined all the research myself, many report that pessimists tend to being more realistic (though this may just mean that they see the problems(?)). I think it is also realistic to see the possibilities. I feel that because of the many individuals I have known with awful pasts who have made great changes, that I am realistically optimistic about individuals’ ability to change (especially if they get some support). I feel that this is the kind of thing you mean.
Wishing you every success with the book, Evan.
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16.1
I also liked Mary’s comment about the impact of faith. There is no question that believers have a perspective advantage in facing difficult times. They look for the bigger picture of God not causing but using difficult times to help open new doors.
As to who is more realistic, I wish I had the rest of the sources, but these two researchers speak to the issue of whether optimists are realists. Sure they can be Googled for more. I liked Lisa’s assessment. Optimists may be more realistic because they actually believe they can do something about problems.
“The myth: Optimists are amiable (probably IQ-challenged) Pollyannas who shield themselves from bad signs and aren’t prepared when trouble strikes. Lisa Aspinwall, a University of Maryland psychologist, got $50,000 for work showing just the reverse. She found that happy, optimistic people are more willing than pessimists to read bad news about their health habits and more willing to learn about their failures on tests. They also remember bad news longer than pessimists do. Far from being unrealistic Pollyannas, optimists give up sooner than pessimists when presented with unsolvable problems, Aspinwall discovered. ‘Pessimists may not want to know bad news about themselves because, unlike optimists, they don’t think there’s anything they can do about it,’ she says. Optimists may want to know where they’ve erred ‘so they can improve later—of course, they think they can improve.’ And their open approach promotes better relationships. Optimistic couples are more likely than pessimists to bring up what’s bothering them so it can be resolved. ‘They may be more confident that they can solve things,’ Aspinwall says, ‘but when something can’t be solved, they seem to recognize that earlier.’” Marilyn Elias
“Numerous studies show that optimists, far from protecting their fragile vision of the world, confront trouble head-on, while it is pessimists who bury their heads in the sand of denial. In a 1993 study of women newly diagnosed with breast cancer, the women with an optimistic disposition were more likely to acknowledge the seriousness of the disease, experienced less distress and took more active steps to cope with it. ‘Pessimism was associated with denial and a giving up response.’ Said Charles Carver of the University of Miami, who conducted the study with Micahel Scheier of Carnegie Mellon University. ‘Optimism was associated with positively reframing the situation, with women believing, ‘This is not going to go away, so let me make the best of it I can.’’Carver said.” Terence Monmaney
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