Remembering a Loved One on the Anniversary of their Death
Some cultures afford very special status to death anniversaries, offering a chance to celebrate the life and memory of a loved one lost as well as to renew our appreciation for those who remain.
Anniversaries are always meaningful. But anniversaries of the deaths of loved ones have an extraordinary capacity to impact us psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually.
My mother died a little over a year ago, just days before Christmas. She had been in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s disease for quite some time, but her remarkable physical stamina kept her alive years beyond the average. Because she was really “lost” to us as a person who could recognize and communicate with us, my siblings and I were actually able to do much of our grieving long before she finally passed. Still, when the anniversary of her death occurred, the sense of loss returned.
My darling wife’s mother past away a year ago today (as of this writing), only two months after my own mom died. I never thought of her as a mother-in-law but as a second mom. You might say I simply adopted her. I called her “mom,” also. That’s because, besides my own mom and my dear wife, she was the most gentle, kind, and nurturing soul I have ever met.
Death anniversaries can be really hard sometimes. You can find yourself longing for something you can no longer have — to hear your loved one’s laugh one more time, or to see your favorite expression on their face. But perhaps the most blessed capacity of the human mind is its ability to hold in memory those people, places, things, and events that mean the most to us.
Some cultures afford very special status to death anniversaries. Some Asian cultures even treat it as Western cultures treat a birthday, full of meaningful ritual and celebration among family and friends. This seems to me a wonderful idea, a chance to celebrate the life and memory of a loved one lost as well as to renew our appreciation for those who remain.
Celebrating life as well as celebrating those in our lives who helped give it meaning seems to be a most necessary human enterprise. As hard as it is sometimes to deal with a loss, it’s comforting to know that one’s life is eternally richer because someone now departed was once in it.
4 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “Remembering a Loved One on the Anniversary of their Death”
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George, so sorry for the loss of ‘both’ of your mothers – and within such a short timeframe – this time of year must be very hard. What a beautiful post.
I find death anniversaries incredibly moving, and if I forget them consciously I tend to feel them in my body and then remember. Of course my own mother’s anniversary, two years ago this spring, is much too recent to forget.
I think you are right about such occasions being good times to celebrate the life of our loved ones, dead and alive, and life itself. Maybe we have a unique access in those moments to the realities of life and death, their intertwinedness?
Thanks so much, Sarah. And I hope that when spring comes and you remember your mother, that you find renewed peace, joy, and a sense of connectedness to the endless and timeless energy flow of life.
Dr. Simon, I’m sorry to hear about the losses of both of your mothers. Your post really touched me, especially as this is a very timely post for me. My mother died after a long illness a year ago (last April).
I was finding things difficult recently as I know the anniversary is coming up, and it’s “Mother’s Day” in the UK shortly, so everywhere I turn there seems to be reminders. I know my siblings won’t want to do anything for the anniversary, but I was trying to think what to do. One of my mother’s friends said we could get together but there would be a lot of tissues as we’d be crying… I don’t know, I think I’d like to do something else.
Today, I was thinking I’d like to have a nice meal, and/or a glass of champagne and just think about the love my mother created around her. She had a lot of issues, but she was also very lovely and warm, so I think that definitely needs to be celebrated.
And I came on here after not having read your articles for a while as I’ve been very busy with travel/work, so if I’m going to believe in the god of coincidences now is the time to start :) Thank you.
Thank you, Elles, especially for sharing. I hope you do have that meal, champagne and remembrance. Maybe it will give you just the break you need from the daily grind and a chance to treasure and celebrate the things that really matter.