An Introvert’s Authenticity
For me the trickiest part of authenticity (if not the most intense or dramatic) has been being introverted.
One of the concerns and values thats sit nearest to my heart is authenticity. (If you would like to know more about the thread of concern with authenticity that runs through my life, you can read more about my life from the perspective of authenticity.) For me this has meant developing a particular lifestyle and approach to relationships.
For me, having authenticity as a value has meant embarking on the project to develop a lifestyle that is shaped around what I care about — time with those I love, ‘self-development’, time to think and journal, and much else besides. I haven’t been entirely successful (yet); the project is ongoing.
Having authenticity as a value, for me, has also meant a particular approach to relationships. It has meant things like authentic responses to rituals rather than automatic reactions (it took me a long while to learn that it is possible to give an authentic response within a ritual), being willing to voice disagreements and take the time to sort out how we can live together if we disagree, and valuing instead of minimising differences. Living out this kind of relating is also something I am still learning how to do.
For me, authenticity also means embracing all parts of ourselves: the parts we see as dark and the parts we identify as of the light. I think it is usual that we come to the dark parts first. Being with our violence and the parts we are ashamed of is far from easy. However, for myself and those I know well enough to know about, dealing with the dark has been easier than embracing the light. It is often easier to confess to failure and know our weakness than to know that we are truly remarkable and can contribute to something splendid (however much this is done through our fragility and with humility). It was Thomas Merton who said, “There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun”. (See Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander. [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK])
For me, the trickiest part of authenticity (if not the most intense or dramatic) has been being introverted. I get my energy from being by myself. I would rather have a few good friends than many acquaintances. I don’t do parties much, and I don’t do small talk much when I do go to a party.
In some situations this is counter-cultural. During a ‘performance review’ at work I was told that I needed to be better at “selling myself”. I have not the slightest interest in selling myself. (I regard this kind of thing as largely a cop out: it absolves the supervisor or assessor of responsibility. But that’s another story.)
I remember a story from a management book. (I’ve forgotten the book entirely I’m afraid, so don’t know the reference). The book was about different styles of corporate leadership and advocating for a more ‘feminine’ style (one more usually practised by women, emphasising communication and inclusion rather than the competition and conflict the author suggested was usually practised by men). The author told of a woman who came to her feeling bad because she wasn’t assertive in her communications. The author asked this woman if she got the outcomes she wanted. The woman confessed that she did — but didn’t achieve this by being assertive. The author was arguing for a different culture of management, one that questioned assertiveness always being seen as good.
I think our Western culture often sees extraversion as good. Corporate culture may be an extreme example. But there are others: our schools teach competitive sport, not prayer and contemplation; our parliaments are not famed as places of quiet deliberation.
This means, to remain true to my introversion, that I have worked in some fields (like education) and not others (like sales). And it has meant grasping some kinds of opportunities; the internet and blogging are marvellous gifts to introverts I think (at least for those introverts who are comfortable with words).
I think that authenticity means not being ashamed of ourselves. And I think this is different to drawing attention to ourselves or wanting to promote ourselves. I think this means that introverts like me will find it more difficult to be authentic in some situations than others; this has certainly been my experience.
I would like to hear your experience. Are there places and situations where you find it easier to be true to yourself? Have you found some times when it is almost impossible to be authentic? I look forward to hearing from you in the comments.
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Wednesday, 20th January 2010.
The URL of this page is:
https://counsellingresource.com/features/2010/01/20/introvert-authenticity/
24 Responses (Including 5 Discussion Threads) to “An Introvert’s Authenticity”
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11
Hi Tony, I do think introverts desire to express (extravert) when they are passionate about something.
I live in Australia – so there are fewer with any particular interest due to smaller population, which makes the connecting harder.
It sounds like you’re still exploring about this, I hope to hear more of what you find in your exploring. Thanks for engaging with me about this stuff.
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Amy Borski
12I am an introvert. There I said it. I can’t sell myself. When it comes to review time at work I have trouble coming up with things to promote how good of an employee I am and how well I do my job. I liked the part you wrote about how this takes away the job from my supervisor. I feel if they do not know how well of a job me and my fellow associates are doing, they do not belong in a job titled “supervisor”. Definitions of a supervisor are one who supervises workers or the work done by others. This leads to my thought, if I sit next to Susie says it all who says she does this, that and everything ………..and I do my job accurately, reliably, professional, and passionately care. Does this make Susie entitled to a raise and not me because I am not good at promoting myself and what I do? What are they thinking?
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13
Hi Amy I entirely and absolutely agree. Thanks for visiting and leaving your comment.
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elles
14Very interesting topic Evan. I grew up chronically shy (my family had issues and I withdrew) and I always thought there was something “wrong” with being an introvert.
My two closest friends were very, very loud, I’m still friends with them to this day. I don’t think they get what being an introvert, or a quieter person is all about. And would make jokes. I used to get really irritated and try to say “I’m not quiet etc etc”. Now, I’m starting to think I should embrace who I am more.
I do get animated about some things, I have lots of interests. The last 2 years weren’t great personally as I was caring for someone, but now I really like my own company. I have a fair few friends, but only a few of those I’m very close to. But that makes me happy.
I still can’t stand big parties where I don’t know people… I’m not sure if that’s part of being an introvert or social anxiety… I used to drink too much red wine to get through them but now I want to do different things e.g swimming, classes. Before I thought I had to work through it and make myself go (and I will go if necessary or people I like there) but I no longer feel this massive urge to have to attend. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I feel okay with that.
Thank you for this post.
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15
Thanks for your comment elles. Embracing who I am more has been enormously liberating for me and lead to a much more enjoyable life. It is a path with heart and enjoyment!
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Adam Payly
16I really enjoyed this article because I’ve never read another introvert’s viewpoint on these feelings, these crticisms of who we, introverts, are feeling. In fact, up until now I’ve been nearly convinced that there was something wrong with me or I was just a “weird” person for needing that personal time alone, for preferring being by myself, and certainly not being any good at the dog-and-pony-promotion-show I see so many others put on to benefit themselves. Those situations when I feel least authentic are the parties, meetings, and functions with high-ranking officials and officers where you see the people who are extroverts (and those certain introverts who are good at layin’ the act on thick) rubbing elbows and schmoozing. They’re all typically exchanging nothing of substance, but they surely do use an awful lot of loud words and loud fake laughter to do it.
I’m currently serving as an officer in the Navy and it’s most unfortunate when the general assumption is that quietness equates to a lack of leadership. I’ve always received the “you’re just quiet” remarks during review time from my superiors, and I’ve seen that pity bestowed on me by my very extrovert peers because I am a quiet, peaceful person at heart–and always unwilling to take on a boastful sort of personality that seems to be “required” if I want to get promoted to the next rank.
But I’ll tell you this: ask any one of my guys or girls in my charge, and I’m confident they would say that they prefer my leadership and capabilities over those certain extroverts. Why? Because being quiet doesn’t have anything to do with leadership unless you’re a leader who is too scared to speak up and out against the wrongs. And I’ll also say that some of those extroverts were always too busy loudly and obnoxiously promoting themselves, when it took the introvert to have quiet, peaceful meetings with our sailors to get to the root of their problems and take care of them as any good leader would do–quiet or not.
Thank you again for the article, and the next time one of my superiors or officer peers gives me that look, or makes that certain remark about my weird/anti-social/too quiet/shy nature, I’m going to confidently and proudly tell them there’s nothing wrong with me or the way I happen to be an introvert. And they can use the opinion of my sailors to vouch for that!
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17
Hi Adam, I’m very glad that my post was helpful to you – it’s why I do this.
Thankyou too for a glimpse into the culture of the armed services, I’ve never known much about this world and you have given me a peek inside it, thanks.
Thanks very much for letting me know how my post was important to you, I very much appreciate it.
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chris
18Evan:
I enjoyed reading your posts on “who is me”, and on being an introvert. I am by nature an introverted person. As you have pointed out, introversion in this culture is not a good trait to get ahead. I have tried to change some, but you are what you are. I have realized over the years though that you can have somewhat more fun in life by being extroverted at times, such as by sharing jokes or personal experiences, or by approaching strangers you might not otherwise etc. That brings me to who is really me. I believe the real me has changed over time, from fairly introverted to somewhat in the middle person. Are there any studies on this topic? I share your enthusiasum about being authentic.
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19
Hi Chris, there is a mass of research by the Centre for the Application of Psychological Type. These are the people who have the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. This is far and away the best way I have found to get an overall sense of someone’s personality (which is different to counselling and helping people change).
I think everyone has introversion and extraversion. The difference I think is where we get our energy from: whether we restore by being by ourselves or with others. Both introverts and extraverts can enjoy times of introversion and extraversion in my experience.
Many thanks for your comment.
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