The ‘Ten Commandments’ of Character Development, Number Nine: Treat Others With Civility and Positive Regard
Dr Simon’s series continues with the ninth of ‘ten commandments’ of character development: treating others with civility and positive regard.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on what I call the “ten commandments” of sound character development. These commandments are some of the most important calls to action my experience has taught me a person must heed in order to develop strength and integrity of character.
Prior posts have addressed the need we all have to avoid a sense of entitlement by striving to be grateful for all we’ve been given; the importance of developing a healthy and balanced sense of self-worth; and the need to gain mastery over our natural urge to seek pleasure, and to consciously subordinate this most basic instinct to the cause of life itself.
My last post dealt with the need to gain mastery over our aggressive instincts and urges. Learning when to fight and how to fight constructively for the things that really matter, while respecting the rights and needs of others, is a very big part of sound character development.
The next commandment has been phrased many ways over the ages and has often been called the “golden rule.” In my upcoming book, Character Disturbance [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I discuss this critical virtue:
Treat others with civility and generosity. Behave responsibly and with positive regard, even to those who do otherwise to you. While respect should rightfully be earned, treating others in the decent and genuinely loving manner that you would want for yourself is the most important of all virtues and should be done freely and without reservation.
You don’t have to condone or embrace everything someone else does to behave nobly yourself. Nor do you have to make yourself a victim by subjecting yourself to constant mistreatment. Rather, you need only remember that your character is defined not so much by how others regard you but rather how you treat them. And it takes a strong sense of generosity and a deep abiding faith to treat others with the kind of positive regard we wish for ourselves.
Most of us are plagued with anxiety about whether we will have enough, be supported enough, be valued enough, or prosper to the degree that we would like. But we need to remember that our very existence is not an entitlement but a gift. And despite the way it might appear at times, no one in this life has really been “cheated” or denied. Instead, we have been blessed with abundant gifts and resources. So, we should not envy others or greedily pursue your own welfare to the detriment of others. And from those to whom much has been given, much is expected. So, for the sake of our own well being, we must bring generosity and free giving into all our relationships, treating others not necessarily as we think they deserve but with the level of regard, care, compassion, and love that we truly wish for ourselves.
My next article will be the last in this series.
9 Responses (4 Discussion Threads) to “The ‘Ten Commandments’ of Character Development, Number Nine”
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I like this article, but I think sometimes the exhortation to not envy others or feel cheated in life is wrongly directed at people who really have been exploited by others. There are a lot of people in our society who have, in fact, been cheated of opportunity, education, basic health care, etc. It’s wrong to tell those people to just be happy with what they have.
It’s true however that in the US most people have enough food and adequate shelter. It’s education, health care, safe working conditions, and safe neighborhoods that poor people in our society lack. I know, because those people are my students.
Sometimes it’s quite difficult to be constantly civil when confronted with these inequalities and the resistance to changing them. Sometimes I think that nonviolence and civility even get in the way of social change. What does one do when violence and injustice are perpetrated against one, and yet one is loyal to the value of nonviolence? I believe in protective force as a solution, but in some cases this might require the use of arms. An example would be the situation of the monks and nuns of Bhat Nha in Vietnam, who have been attacked mercilessly by mobs organized by the government. These are nonviolent people who are helpless in the face of mob violence. They have petitioned the government of France to give them asylum, but so far the French government has not offered it to them.
Really, often in the face of violence and injustice, the only possible course of action for nonviolent people is to run away. But what if you can’t? Obama alluded to this problem in his Nobel prize acceptance speech: “Nonviolence could not have turned back the armies of Hitler.”
This may seem far removed from the daily ethical dilemmas of most Americans’ lives, but it really isn’t. There are people in my neighborhood and in my partner’s family who wish me physical harm. How can I ethically prevent these people from hurting me? Every other weekend a young man in our neighborhood sticks a gun in somebody’s face and demands the victim’s cell phone or keys or wallet. My partner’s son in the past has threatened to kill me. I have just had to ban him from our home, much to the distress of other people in the family. Another daughter is physically violent with others in her family, and I’m afraid of her too. They think it’s very disrespectful and uncivil of me to keep them away from our house, but what else can I do?
Maybe an auxillary axiom should be: be courteous and respectful to yourself first. Protect yourself from abuse and harm. Do unto yourself the way you wish others would do to you, and then at least one person will be on your side!
Thanks for your comments, Elizabeth. Let me offer some food for thought.
It would be hard to make the case that the envy and greed that drove Bernie Madoff to ruthlessly abuse and exploit others was born of him being denied education, opportunity, and being victimized by discrimination. He certainly did not do as was done to him by those who afforded him every advantage in life. Similarly, it’s an affront to those countless thousands who have overcome unbelievable adversity only to become persons of truly enviable character to say that they were simply destined to be what their circumstances might have predisposed them to become.
Believe me, Elizabeth, I hear what you’re saying about all the injustices that exist and how important it is for all of us to try our best to rectify them. But the issues of character I’ve been writing about go far deeper than the long-accepted but never validated social explanations we’ve all heard for years about why people develop the attitudes and behavior patterns they do.
Doing more altruistic and character-building thing instead of the more expedient and self-serving thing has NEVER been easy – for ANYONE – regardless of circumstance. So, with all do respect, and with very genuine sensitivity to the mountains some of us have been given to climb, I do not think the exhortation I give here is wrong – even to those who don’t have a lot. And my work over the years, mostly with persons who come from disadvantaged backgrounds has only solidified my beliefs. Our internal responses and interpretations about our circumstances are a much more reliable predictor of what we will make of ourselves and what kind of future we will have than are the circumstances themselves. Abundant data is mounting about that. So, even though some might use such an exhortation and perspective to shirk their own duty to help make this world a better place and improve the lot of others, I still promote these principles, especially to those who need the message the most. : )
I really like and appreciate all that you have written, and have your prior book. My concern is that had I intereacted some of the wolves in sheep’s clothing with this commandment in mind, rather than NO CONTACT as a responsive to their “overtures”, I would have had much more of their drama to deal with, while in the midst of trying to recover my mental health from the last love bomb and dump. Can you clarify?
You point out a very challenging issue, Patty. It’s so important to set and enforce strict limits and boundaries with those who would otherwise exploit and and abuse you. Still, how you conduct yourself toward others need not be dictated by how they have treated you but rather as you would want to be treated.
I recently attended a conference at which I ran into a person who really treated me shamefully in the past. It was all that I could do to be civil and cordial. Nonetheless, I mustered the courage. I have also had to resist the temptation to disparage this person to others.
Please forgive this example. I’m not trying to paint a picture of myself as “holier than thou.” Rather, I’m trying to share the fact that such things are very difficult indeed. I have not always done as I know I should nor as I preach. I’ve given the example to make the distinction between conducting yourself well yet still enforcing limits. I will never have intimate dealings with the person I spoke of again, nor will I give this person any opportunity to do me harm again. They would have to not only demonstrate sincere regret and remorse, but they’d have to be willing to repair all the damage they did and display a convincing track record of change in order for me to even give them a chance.
In regard to this last post: how do you know when somebody has displayed sincere remorse? Sometimes my partner’s children sort of apologize to me, and they seem to think that these half-hearted, diluted apologies, which usually contain the implication that they really did nothing wrong to begin with, should be enough for me to put myself in harm’s way–in their company–again. And they CAN’T really repair all the damage they’ve done. And how can I see if they’re creating a good new track record if I’m never around them? I guess if I only hear good things about them, or if they stop lobbing grenades at me from afar.
In regard to your comments about my first post: I was thinking about this some more during the day, and I realized that making one set of rules for everybody is not really practical. Some people need to be more assertive about their own rights and they need to treat themselves better and expect better treatment from others. Other people–the Bernie Madoffs among us for example–need to work more on thinking about other people and toning down their own narcissism.
But to tell the meek that they need to be meeker seems like a bad idea. I’ve heard those exhortations my whole life, but the more I try to be gentle, meek and mild, the more I get trampled on.
Note that for most of my lifetime, girls were encouraged to be forgiving, caring, meek and mild, and boys were taught to be aggressive and assertive. Maybe what we need is balance.
I will say “Amen” to much of what your saying, Elizabeth. And balance is indeed the key. And meekness of heart is not the same as the blind submissiveness and “doormat” status that was encouraged along sexual lines for so many years. My exhortation is not for the genuinely meek to be meeker still and to be run over. That’s far from the thrust of my work, which I would hope you would consider in its entirety. But over the years I’ve witnessed far more character dysfunction not from the truly meek but from the selfish (who can even exist among the materially and culturally disadvantaged).
I really understand some of these comments. There is a faint nagging at all times telling us “if you had been nicer, more generous, had said the right- or not said the wrong, basically, if you had loved more, he/she would’ve stayed, not gotten angry, etc.” It’s very difficult to separate a feeling of being responsible from true responsibility. Being true to ourselves often feels like cruel behavior to our problematic ‘other’ making it very difficult to discern where true dignity lies. This will sound very silly, but because I was totally lacking this ability in myself, discovered however, that I was very capable of seeing it in others, I began watching my life as if it were on a screen. Taking an actress I have high regard for as my ‘my character’. It was a very helpful crutch in developing a since of dignity for myself, enabling me to be kind and generous, but sink to a level of permitting abuse = maintaining my dignity. With time, I have become my own role model. Fake it till you make it does work. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” no longer seems threatening (most of the time ;) )
oops – correction:
…but NEVER sinking to a level of permitting abuse…
Your comments are not only spot-on but very well-stated, Zoe. When people of generous and accepting character are exploited or abused by others, it’s the abuser and the abuser alone that bears responsibility, and the victim of that abuse has no obligation whatsoever to tolerate it, to place themselves at risk, or to be “more understanding.” There simply is no excuse for abusive conduct. Learning to assert your natural right to be treated with civility and to be wary of those whose character is questionable while modeling for yourself righteous conduct gives you the freedom to be truly loving person again.
The exhortation of this “commandment” is, perhaps quite unnecessary for those who already have a big sense of social conscientiousness. But it’s essential to forming sound character, especially for those whose personal development is still lacking and predisposing them to behave irresponsibly.