Disturbances of Character, Part 2: Socialization is a Process
It appears the truth about human nature lies somewhere in the middle of the various extremes espoused by psychologists, behavioral scientists, philosophers and religious thinkers.
Having given literally hundreds of workshops on the topic of character disturbance, my audiences (helping professionals and lay persons alike) always seem to want to know how the various disturbed characters came to be the way they are and what can be done to help them change. I get similar questions from readers of my writings and blog articles as well.
You can boil down many of the underlying assumptions of traditional schools of psychological thought about how people become disturbed and how you help them heal in this way: People are inherently good and geared toward health. They become unhealthy because bad or “traumatic” things happen to them. They develop fears and insecurities as a result of the trauma they experience and learn to cope in less than optimal ways. With unconditional positive regard, empathy, and support, they can heal their wounds, overcome their fears, and become naturally inclined once again to lead healthy, loving, compassionate lives.
Some schools of philosophical and religious thought adopt an opposing view: Man is basically a “fallen” or evil creature, inherently defective. Without sufficient guidance from a higher power, and left to his own devices, man will naturally tend to descend into all types of decadence, indecency and depravity. His greatest need is to be “saved,” especially from himself.
There is also the “nature vs. nurture” argument. For a long time, behavioral scientists argued that we’d all be the same were it not for the fact that we are subjected to very different environmental influences and contingencies. But there is plenty of evidence these days that certain behavioral tendencies are strongly influenced by genetic and other constitutional factors.
As is almost always the case, it appears the truth about human nature lies somewhere in the middle of the various extremes expressed above. Man is neither inherently good nor evil. And he is neither at the mercy of his genes and biochemistry nor is he a mere robot, fated to behave solely as his environment has programmed him to act. He is also not inherently defective. And although he’s basically an animal endowed by nature with some very primitive instincts, he has the remarkable capacity to learn and grow in awareness, which makes it possible for him to become ever so much more than a mere animal. That’s what the processes of socialization and character development are all about. And it’s a difficult, painful, complex, and generally life-long process.
In my book In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I define the process of character development this way:
Character-building is the lifelong process by which we instill self-discipline and develop the capacities to live responsibly among others, to do productive work, and above all, to love. …[And] loving is not a feeling, an art, or a state of mind. It’s a behavior, and precisely the behavior to which the two Great Commandments exhort us to commit ourselves.
Similarly, I define a philosophy for responsible living:
Even though a person might begin life as a prisoner of the natural endowments he was given and the circumstances under which he was raised, he cannot remain a “victim” of his environment forever. Eventually, every person must come to terms with him or herself. To know oneself, to fairly judge one’s strengths and weaknesses, and to attain true mastery over one’s most basic instincts and inclinations are among life’s greatest challenges. But ultimately, anyone’s rise to a life of integrity and merit can only come as the result of a full self-awakening. A person must come to know himself as well as others without deceit or denial. He must honestly face and reckon with all aspects of his character. Only then can he freely take on the burden of disciplining himself for the sake of himself as well as for the sake of others. It is the free choice to take up this burden or “cross” that defines love. And it is the willingness and commitment of a person to carry this cross even to death that opens the door to a higher plane of existence.
In my forthcoming book, Character Disturbance [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I make the point that “ours is an extremely interconnected and interdependent world,” and as such the need for people of sound character could not possibly be greater. I also note that “my personal mission for the last several years has been to call attention to the significant social problem (of character disturbance) and to inspire people to address and overcome it.” And in one chapter of the book, for the first time I offer some core principles for successfully guiding people (especially children) through the process of socialization and character development. I’ll be presenting these principles in upcoming posts and hope they will spur a robust and fruitful discussion.
10 Responses (3 Discussion Threads) to “Disturbances of Character, Part 2: Socialization is a Process”
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My partner and I are currently going to counseling once a week because of the havoc wrought in the family by his adult children, who are poorly socialized. My partner is a good person, and I’m not sure why these kids are so angry and mean. One of them threatened to kill me; the other one has been trying to break us up for years, and last week she assaulted her brother. These are middle class adults in their twenties, who went to good schools (private Catholic schools) and who had a lot of advantages. Their parents are educated professionals. Yet they brawl like street fighters! What is wrong with this picture?
Their mother was depressed and maybe more dysfunctional than their father realized when they were growing up, and so it’s possible that she didn’t socialize them very much; for his part, he was very busy making a living, and also he didn’t know how to exercise any authority with them. His own father was quite domineering, and he wanted to avoid that, but he never worked out an effective alternative discipline system. In fact he didn’t really even see the need for it. He thought that example was the best teacher, but in this case, it didn’t work.
One of the children grew up to be very disciplined and functional, almost to a fault. I have heard that this often happens in dysfunctional families: one child will be “perfect.” The others have had problems with drugs, school, and other people. Now it’s mostly problems with other people. They’re all in their twenties.
I wonder if people can learn to be sociable and cooperative in their twenties if they missed out on normal socialization in their childhoods.
Also, what role do peers and school play in socialization? We live in a hyper-competitive, materialistic city, where it’s dog eat dog, winner take all. Success is measured by how much money you make and how big your house is, rather than by how much other people trust you and respect your ethical behavior. It seems that this culture teaches young people that only the ruthless will be able to compete successfully. But in fact, ruthlessness causes extreme chaos in their lives, and a trail of broken relationships.
So sad.
You raise some great points and questions, Elizabeth. Stay tuned and involved in the discussion as well. This series will be an extensive one as what I have to say on the issues you mention will take some time to express. I trust the discussion will be robust and look forward to your continued input.
Hi Elizabeth,
Your post is very interesting. You asked the question “Why are the children this way?” and then you went on to outline everything that your dh and his ex-wife did to perpetuate this behavior. Is it difficult for you to see your dh as less than perfect? I believe that what I have learned throughout the years is that the little things do matter, and can add up to big things. Kindness isn’t always the best thing for people who have a tendency for character disturbance. I should know. My loving gestures did nothing to help the people in my life who were disturbed, they only made it worse. They needed tough love instead to be able to become all they could be. Keep reading Dr. Simon. He will help you see so many things and even past articles will help.
I wish you the best on your journey.
Just had another thought: one reason that there is so much poor socialization nowadays could be because there has been a lot of legitimate rebellion against oppressive “socialization.” For example, for centuries women were taught to put their own needs last, after everybody else in the family, and that a woman’s duty was continuous self-sacrifice.
At various points in the last 200 years or so, women have realized that this serves patriarchy wonderfully, but it prevents women themselves from using their own creativity and energy for their own goals, and indeed for goals that serve humanity better than patriarchy does, with its aggression and militarism. So women rejected the idea, for example, that they must stay married forever unhappily “for the sake of the children,” and other nonsense like that.
A lot of conservatives still think that women who work outside the home, or have abortions, or refuse to marry, are poorly socialized and that for the sake of the greater good, they should stay home and cook and clean, etc. So one question we have to ask about socialization is: socialization into what? A hierarchical system that demands that women and people of color remain at the bottom and serve white men?
Our society has largely rejected the view that women and colored people should serve white men. But it seems that this rejection of illegitimate authority has resulted in a rejection of ALL authority and all notions of cooperation, for some young people especially. A healthy social change was co-opted by capitalism to make capitalism work better: now young people believe in a kind of ruthless, competitive, dog eat dog, violent culture.
We need to think about what KIND of socialization we want children to have. We want to preserve the respect for the individual that the Enlightenment gave Western society, while also preserving some of the communalism of earlier more traditional societies. (see Tocqueville.)
It seems that industrial capitalism makes a fetish almost of individual success, because the untrammeled pursuit of individual success actually helps the hierarchy stay in place, ironically: even poor people believe that they, too, can get rich someday, and so they reject any sort of socialist reforms such as health care reform, for fear that some of their taxes might pay for somebody else’s health care. The cult of individualism is sort of a mask for oligarchy.
What we need is a real individualism that respects the right of every individual to have certain basic entitlements, such as decent housing, food, and health care and safe, dignified work. This is a kind of communalism and cooperation that industrial capitalism loathes and tags with the epithet “socialism.”
It seems that any consideration of why our young people have disordered character turns into a political discussion, inevitably. They don’t grow up in a vacuum, or even just in a nuclear family. Psychology needs to take the political culture into account.
“Psychology needs to take the political culture into account.” I so much agree with this.
Fairly recently, my father passed away, and my brothers and I had to deal with a lot of issues around his practice (he was a dentist.) – e.g.: closure of his office… etc.
Due to the fact that one of my brothers has now been living for a very long time in a different country, it was extremely hard for us to make him understand that here, in our country, things (and people) just don’t function the same way they do where he lives now. On top of this, my father’s wife, who is truly an unscrupulous person, acted in a shameless way (she stole as much as she could, starting only a few hours after my father’s passing.) We had to press criminal charges against her, one of my brother’s is a lawyer.
Still, my youngest borther, who lives far away, was not able to fully understand this woman’s character disorder, and kept expecting her to “apologize because what she did was wrong”.. and people who act wrong -usually- apologize. While that might hold true in his new homeland, it does not apply here (as much as we wish it did) because this country is like a land of barbarians… So, here, unfortunately, some psychology principles or rules just don’t apply.
In some other countries and cultures, people who have been severely abused for ages, typically behave as if they have been brainwashed, and are genuinely unable to understand “what’s wrong with them” o they are truly unable to change because they know no other (healthier) way to interact or behave socially.
So, I agree it’s very important to see the big picture and not limit our thinking to one type of society, only. Cultural differences play a major role in people’s behaviors.
To Karen: I am well aware of my partner’s shortcomings as a parent. So is he.
I have read Dr. Simon’s book carefully in its entirety.
Hi, All. Thanks for the comments. Some of my prior posts on character and character development might be a prelude to the series of posts I have planned, starting a few days from now. They will address the “ten commandments” of character development. The basic premise is that it’s not so much what happens to children in the way of trauma that shapes their character (although there’s no doubting that trauma plays a role) but rather what kids don’t get in the way of positive shaping influence and what they’re not reinforced for enough by the dominant culture. So, we’ll be looking at 10 life lessons that have to be learned, reinforced, and internalized to help folks forge a decent character. I’m very eager to view the comments and discussion of those issues as I present them.
PS: Very interesting post and subject to discuss, Dr. Simon!
Thanks, Marianna!
I work with criminal offender substance abusers. While many have simply made unwise choices as adults and are relatively easy to get “back on track”, many were never on track to begin with. I believe the concept of a disturbance of character, or perhaps a malformation of character, is highly relevant in working with this population. I look forward to the publication of the book!