Comments on: Disturbances of Character: The Most Pressing Issue of Our Age?

By: Jane

Jane — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 14:16:56 +0000

Dr. Simon,
Thank you for your answer and suggestions. I will read through your website. For the time being I seem to have managed to stay away, although I’m not sure the way I did it was the best way (I pretty much told him what I thought as decently as I could. I can only hope it’ll do him more good than harm supposing he can take it constructively. I’m still fighting my conscience (who am I to judge after all), but I did the best I could under the circumstances. The whole experience taught me a lot, yet it has left a bitter taste in my mouth that I just have to live with.

Dr. Simon, all the best to you and your readers.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:43:18 +0000

Hi, Jane. Sorry to be just responding. You do yourself a great service by remaining civil while enforcing limits. You would do yourself a great disservice by taking any burden whatsoever that is the rightful duty of your ex to get his act together. In an earlier part of the series on character disturbance, I contrasted the huge difference in characteristics as well as therapy needs between individuals best described as “neurotic” to some degree and those struggling with character disturbance. You might find that particular part of the series helpful.

By: Jane

Jane — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 21:19:03 +0000

Dr. Simon, hello again…
I want to start by saying that I’m not proud of returning to post a comment here. But I can’t seem to be able to shake off that relationship I was telling you about. I’ve been trying to keep away but all efforts have been useless as my ex contacted me trying to get back together and although I have denied seeing him I do respond to emails and I do answer his phone calls. I just feel responsible in some way to warn him about his condition and maybe this will trigger something and push him in the direction of seeking professional help. I have found myself reading a lot about it online… I have even started to think I might not be all that different! (I’ve stumbled over a book called “Malignant Self-love” which describes women who fall in love with narcissistic men as “inverted narcissists”… which I have to admit does seem to explain the strange “we’re meant to be together” feeling I’ve had since the beginning of this relationship despite all the red flags…) That has really thrown me off for a loop… So now I have no idea what to do. On the one hand it is definitely over. On the other hand, I want to at least give him some clues so that maybe he’ll do something about it eventually.
Do you think it’s a decent idea to make him visit websites on this topic? Could that have any sort of positive impact??

Thanks again for reading my posts and for being kind enough to answer them.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:22:55 +0000

You’re welcome, Jane. And I really like your comment about it being ultimately dangerous and disrespectful to chase after a person who is not really asking for change. Not only do people in abusive relationships make this mistake, but helping professionals are guilty of it, too.

A social worker friend of mine told this joke at a regional conference: “Two social workers were walking along a New York street when a purse snatcher whisked by and snatched their purses right out of their hands. They gave chase, shouting loudly to passers by: ‘Stop that man! Stop that man! He’s obviously troubled and in dire need of our help’!”

It wouldn’t be so funny if there weren’t a kernel of truth in it. : )

By: Jane

Jane — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:23:28 +0000

Thank you for your answer, Dr. Simon.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the issue I was writing you about. I’ve given up on the relationship although something tells me I could have made it work had I dedicated myself to it entirely. Although I was reading another post of yours in which you were saying that it’s vane to think one can change another person that deeply. I’ve also come to realize it can be dangerous and disrespectful. Unless the person comes and asks for help and in that case you should indicate a professional. It’s a shame because I do see the nice qualities my ex has. However, I’ve come to realize that the only thing I can do is hope that life will run its course and he will improve on his own.
Thanks again.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:32:23 +0000

Hi, Jane. There are treatments available. Naturally, making personality changes is always challenging because by definition personality is a cluster of relatively ingrained and enduring traits and patterns. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be modified. But traditional forms of counseling are fairly useless. The “metaphors” upon which traditional approaches are based and the techniques used are inadequate to address the problems of the deficient character. Besides that, there has to be at least some degree of internal distress in the disturbed character if he or she is to remain motivated through treatment. My upcoming book “Disturbances of Character” will include some vignettes of the radical therapeutic approach required for dealing with character issues.

By: Jane

Jane — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:42:39 +0000

Hello Dr. Simon,
It’s the first time I’m reading your work and I must say I am happy to have found your website. I have recognized myself as a neurotic and the man I’m dating as a disturbed character, unfortunately. Ever since I started knowing him better I felt and then realized something wasn’t quite right. But, as I hadn’t been in a similar situation before and him being a very smart person, it was hard for me to see clearly. Now after reading your postings I have finally understood what the source of trouble was – his irresponsible, narcissistic, hedonistic self – an expression of his underdeveloped character. I was just wondering what the treatment is if any? I’ve read here that such people (I think they are categorized as Cluster B) don’t usually change.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 14:56:29 +0000

Lee, I think the point you make is why so many helping professionals working with disordered characters prefer to live in a world of denial, mis-frame their clients’ behaviors, try to make neurosis metaphors and techniques work despite their inappropriateness, and then simply write off their clients as untreatable when all that fails.

Mental health professionals want to work with fears and insecurities. That’s what they were trained to do. Besides, t’s so much easier (and rewarding) to support than to confront and correct. Too bad 99% of human behavior is fighting and only 1% is “running.” Confronting someone who fights unscrupulously and benignly guiding them in a more character-rich direction requires a therapist to be of an entirely different frame of mind, to be tolerant beyond measure, be fearless and unabashedly honest in confrontation, and be well-versed in the tools of the art.

By: Mariana

Mariana — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 14:26:02 +0000

Hi Lee,

You wrote… “if its obligatory to vote by law in a democracy is it still a democracy.”

That’s what happens in my country, so I choose not to vote. To me is not a democracy, no matter what they say. We are supposed to live within a democratic political system and yet, voting is mandatory…

It doesn’t make any sense to me, so I don’t vote and I pay my fine for not voting on political elections. But, I’m not sure all countries that face the same problem we do here have the option not to vote and pay a fine instead. Still, the whole fine thing is absolutely unfair. It’s like a big joke, and shows a lot of hypocrisy to me, too. It’s like a form of “political abuse” some cultures have to endure. And there’s no “punishment” for that.

This is why it is so important to place ourselves in other people’s shoes. Not all rules apply world-wide to everyone.

By: lee du ploy

lee du ploy — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 10:15:25 +0000

Manipulative people exist simple because they can and we seem conditioned to accept them if it comes with aggressive intent.

Objective confrontation is so much more difficult.

I find it hard to treat them and still retain some profesional integrity,I admit it and it takes me all my time to allow that water to wash over me.

But it is a human trait that I most dislike.

Talking of which I was just in Sinpapore for a week and found the people calm and generous so unlike their cousins in Hong Kong,I hope I am not opening myself up to all sorts of abuse saying this but”patience” here in HK have gone out the window.

I find it especially so with Hong Kong taxi drivers,they must be their own worse enemy, all that self imposed stress for a few dollars more.

Here is a question for you ( and an assumption)if its obligatory to vote by law in a democracy is it still a democracy.

lee du ploy (hong kong)