Empathy and Communication: Do We Have to Have ‘Been There’?
It seems that our experience is common or shared. Our understanding is based on our experience; but our experience is shared, and so our understanding can be too.
For a couple of years I was a teacher of ‘psychological skills’ in a remand centre. This was largely enjoyable for me, at least the time in class with the students was (the administration was a hassle). Some of the students were quite motivated, and during each lesson there was a moment or two of genuine communication; considering the context, this was a pretty good result.
It was obvious from the first moments of any class that there was a fairly large cultural gap between me and most of the students. I grew up pretty straight and had never been into drugs. (In Australia, much crime is drug related. When I started there I wasn’t in favour of legalising drugs; now I am.) This usually wasn’t a problem, but in one class about getting off drugs one student voiced the view that because I hadn’t been a drug addict I couldn’t know what it was like. The implication was that there was no point listening to what I had to say.
This view I think of as, “You had to be there (or you can’t understand)”. There is a sense in which this is certainly true: our understanding is based on our experience. In Australia we have a bird called a Sulphur-crested Cockatoo. It has quite a distinctive call, which I would describe as a raucous screech. But saying this doesn’t really give you a good idea of what it is like. I could go on and give a more detailed description (imagine a noisy, rusty hinge), and you still wouldn’t know exactly what this bird sounds like. Even if I was a gifted poet I may not be able to convey this to you. Once you have heard this bird, however, I just need to name it and you will probably be able to remember the call easily (it is quite distinctive). If you have been there when a Sulphur-crested Cockatoo has been cawing — especially if there was a flock of them — then you will know what it is like; if you haven’t, then it is difficult to convey the experience. (If you are interested there are bird lover sites that have mp3s of the different bird calls.)
If this is true of something as simple as a bird call, then wouldn’t this be much truer of our emotional lives? The answer seems to be an obvious yes. But I’m not sure that is the whole story.
I’m not sure that is the whole story firstly because I have had the sense on occasion that people do deeply understand my experience. They have told me what they think the experience was like for me, and this has been right — and I have felt deeply touched.
Secondly, other people have assured me that I have understood what they have been saying about their experience. When I have given my understanding of what they went through, they have assured that that was what it was like for them.
The “You had to be there (or you can’t understand)” view doesn’t seem to be able to accommodate these experiences of communication. Taken as a principle it would seem to exclude empathy entirely.
It seems that our experience is common or shared. Our understanding is based on our experience; but our experience is shared, and so our understanding can be too. I think we can ignore this because it is so common. Our attention is captured by what is unusual — and the usual fades into the background. Imagine getting up and commuting to a job. We have thousands of moments of successful communication: getting up and dressed, breakfast and commuting, all those road rules obeyed, many social greetings exchanged and room made for strangers…all this before starting work for the day! This isn’t remarkable so we ignore it; one outrageously rude remark we remember (perhaps for a very long time).
I think the “You had to be there (or you can’t understand)” view is so widespread because it makes sense of the unusual times — the times when we can’t convey what we want to. These can be times of great frustration or even sadness; they are memorable, but often they are unusual too.
Having said that, I want to honour the truth in the “You had to be there” view. Our understanding is from our experience. I think there is an important implication of this: to understand another person means getting a sense of their experience. This can take time.
To get a sense of the other’s experience can take a lot of listening — and it can always be surprising. The petty details which I can’t be bothered with others don’t find frustrating at all. It is incomprehensible to some that I love those big ideas that are so abstract. Even good friends that I have known for years can still surprise me with their responses and preferences. (For example, how can someone into classical music and with a PhD in philosophy like reality TV? It will take a great deal of listening before I understand this.)
For most things, I don’t think we ‘had to be there’ to understand. And I think that if we put in the time then we will at least have a pretty good idea of the other person’s experience. For the uniqueness that is left, perhaps this can be treasured — and in the treasuring perhaps we can draw closer to each other.
I would like to hear what you think. Do you find it impossible to convey some experiences to some people — or even to anyone? Have you had times when you have been surprised that someone seemed to ‘get it’? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Monday, 27th July 2009.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/07/27/empathy-and-communication-do-we-have-to-have-been-there/
27 Responses (Including 9 Discussion Threads) to “Empathy and Communication: Do We Have to Have ‘Been There’?”
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Diane11
Hi Evan,
I have been following you and Marianna’s conversation. It reminded me of this does this limit us in some way if we choose not “have been” there within our connections with other people and their experiences. Ex. a person is ill with cancer and says it feels like the worsed flu I have ever had…you know when you wish you’d just die and get it over with. And then finally it breaks and we feel like we a renewed and vigorous again and we are so thankful to feel better. Most of us have experienced the flu some time in our lives. So if we say we undersatand are we so off base then? Does it limit us when we feel like we can not be helped unless another “has been there?” Or in counseling often times the therapist has not been there but they have been a witness to many cases involving the same issues, etc. And in the end we are different in some unique way so I just wonder if we/or some people limit ourselves/themselves if we close ourselves’themselves off from someone who understands yet “hasn’t been there.” Can similar be enough? Some people are quite sensitive to others and they can feel it and right away ask the right questions…don’t you think?
Isn’t that why being an empath make you someone who can understand another person pain, issues, illness, etc. a deep connection in and of itself? I know not all people are like that but some are. Sometimes I view certain things like people being respectful and validating and just honest about the depth of their own self perceptions, also when they voice they can’t say they don’t understand when they have “not been there” also. Just some thoughts…Diane
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Evan Hadkins12
Hi Diane, thanks for your thoughts.
I do think it can limit us if we think only people who ‘have been there’ can understand. Like you I think some people are good at being sensitive and picking up ‘where the other person is at’. I do think we can start from being close enough and then move on from there too.
Thanks for your comment.
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Mariana13
I agree with Diane as well, and all this it reminded me of an anecdote. In 2003, I was very ill and had to be operated on for peritonitis (almost passed,) and at the ER the doctor asked me, “In a scale from 1 to 10, how intense is your pain?”, to which I replied, “According to whose scale?” – This is because I have a very high level of tolerance to pain, so according to me it hurt like 5 (so to speak,) while for other people it would hurt like 11. So, it’s relative.
We could have been there and still don’t quite understand what others are feelings, or we could have not been there and understand exactly how others feel. I believe it’s something personal, and yes, I agree it does limit ourselves to choose either one or the other.
To me, it’s got more to with a personal perception and with personal sensitivity than with one answer being right or wrong.
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Evan Hadkins13.1
Hi Mariana, I think you are certainly right that it is about personal perception. I do think we can have been in the same situation as someone and not understand how they feel – I hadn’t thought of it from that perspective, but you are right of course. Thanks for your comment.
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Diane13.2
That is so true, Marianna!
My children are a testiment to that as well. My one son has a very low pain tolerance the others seem to bounce off their pain issues so much more easily.
Do you ever get frustrated when you feel like you get it but the other still just feels so disconnected anyway? Be it part of who they are in general or that they have a need that screams for connection yet it feels like they just can’t feel connections with others? Hope I communicated that well. What do you do internally especially if it’s somone you are fairly close too or been working with for awhile?
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Mariana14
Hi Diane,
That happens to me sometimes with my son. And although I feel very frustrated, I remind myself that he “is not there yet.” Sometimes, I just can’t find the right words to let him know I understand, and I have come to realize that -often times- it’s just that “no matter how efficient my words are” he is just not ready to make that connection.
I was just like him at his age, so I can relate. I take a deep sigh and smile. He’ll be there some day and will have that ah-ha moment we sometimes had, maybe long after things happened.
It’s hard to deal with frustration when people are just not ready to connect, but I believe we all have a different timing, and certainly, different viewpoints. In this respect, it took me ages to understand and accept that other people had different viewpoints than mine and they weren’t necessarily “wrong” – but, eventually, I got there too :)
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Diane14.1
Hi Marianna,
I like that you smile and hope that one day they will get it.
Thanks!
Diane
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Deb15
Gosh, Marianna! I soooo know that deep sigh and that knowing smile. In fact I was having one of those moments last night with my son and thinking back to how many times my mother must have felt the same as she bit her tongue back with me! (Hey, that’s a prime example of empathy, isn’t it?!!)
The older I get, the more people I have to bite my tongue back at. Is this a function of experience and a growing ability to empathise because I have more life experience? I don’t know – though I do know that I probably used to be clueless and appear unfeeling as a youngster.
I think that most people make assumptions about others rather than extend themselves to really understand what another is feeling (I have assumed that your deep sigh and smile were produced by the same sort of feelings that I experienced yesterday evening, so is this ‘real’ empathy?? i don;t know about that either!).
It’s the clueless, even callous, assumptions that so many people make that can have disturbing or disastrous effects on the lives of others (who are in e.g. in difficult life situations like Evan’s students) that really bother me. They’re so needless – and also redolent of black/white emotional immaturity on the part of those ‘in power’.
So it’s great to read that Evan and others are teaching these youngsters emotional skills. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if these things were universally taught at junior school and long before children get into trouble?
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Mariana15.1
Hi Deb,
I guess it’s empathy plus respect, all together :) Not only we understand them, but also we are allowing them to be who they are. We are respecting that point in life they are at.
And I agree with you that these essential skills should be taught at school (and at home, as well) since a very young age.
My “babies” are 23 and 24 now (already a young man and a young woman), but back when they were kids, I used to teach them to look after each other. So when they became teens and started going our with friends, they really looked after each other and were good friends, besides being siblings. And I agree with you and believe too that it’s very important to teach children to be empathetic or compassionate and care about others.
;)
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Diane15.2
Hi Deb and Marianna,
That is such a good point about others being in the process of teaching these skills as well. Though the schools that I have worked with do actually do there best with this by having character building cirriculum more so in early development in elementary school. Sometimes it seems not enough attention is giving to it though. It seems schools pull away from it as they enter junior high and high school. One class semester if they are required to do so by the schools policy. It does feel good to know my young adult children too are very good friends but I do find they have the exact same issues often raised by others “not getting it too.” As they have the capacity for empathy within their lives and interactions with others and some people just aren’t there yet or maybe ever.
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