Five Ways to a More Satisfying Life
I think that to have a satisfying life means having a sense of who we are, what our current situation is like, how these match and what we can do about any mismatches.
All of us live in particular situations, and these situations can be more or less good for us.
All of us live in particular situations, and these situations can be modified to a lesser or greater degree by us.
The two sentences above seem true to me. They also seem to me to be the basis for a satisfying life. I’d like to spend this post explaining why I think they are so important.
1. I think we can blame ourselves for too much.
In my experience most people are too hard on themselves. Some compensate for this by praising themselves or seeking praise from others. When I have had the chance to speak in some depth to those who are hard on others, I have found that they are even harder on themselves.
Recognising that our situation does affect us can help us to lighten up on ourselves (and others). For me this has usually happened through the comments of others. Things like: “No wonder you’re stressed”, or, “anybody would be tired after what you’ve been through”.
2. It’s important to know our needs.
Which situations suit us is very much an individual matter. And it can take awhile to figure out what suits us and what doesn’t. I was in my thirties when I figured out that I was really cut out to be a freelancer. I wanted the freedom to pursue my own strange interests and projects. These were unusual and so working for someone else just wasn’t going to work for me. It was only in my 40’s that I started discovering what kind of diet really suits me and what foods I prefer.
Roughly speaking I think we have sets of needs: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social. Usually we will be more aware of some area of need than others.
3. It’s possible to have a sense of whether situations are good for us.
Often we will have an intuition or a gut feeling about whether a situation suits us. This may not be infallible but in my experience has always been worth listening to. Usually my intuition or reaction has alerted me to something important.
As we get a better sense of our needs we can get better at knowing whether a situation suits us.
4. We can develop a sense of our strengths and vulnerabilities.
As with our needs, it can take time for us to learn what we are good at and vulnerable to. Some environments don’t encourage us to develop some strengths. It was not until I worked in a drop-in centre that I learned I could do leatherwork — I had never had the opportunity to try it out and so didn’t realise that this was a strength I could develop.
Similarly, it can take us time to learn our vulnerabilities. If we work in a workplace where the feedback is done well we may not discover that we are vulnerable to bullying.
5. We can usually do something.
In most situations that aren’t life threatening we have some room to manoeuvre. We can usually do something about how we understand and respond to our situation. We can also usually do something to affect it.
To have a satisfying life means having a sense of who we are, what our current situation is like, how these match and what we can do about any mismatches.
To get a good sense of what this could mean for you I have two experiments you might try out.
Imagine your ideal life.
Depending on what works for you this may be imagining a holiday or a typical day or year. It is important with this exercise to be as detailed and vivid as possible.
You can then analyse this to find out what you need for your ideal life. You can also use it to learn what needs you have that aren’t currently being met.
You can then decide what actions you can take to move closer to your ideal life.
Remember your best times.
Make a list of what have been the best times of your life. Put down as many as you can.
What did these have in common? What do these common things say about you and the situations that you like best?
(You can also contrast this with your worst times, but this may be depressing and so not be helpful.)
I’d like to hear what you have learned about your own needs, strengths and vulnerabilities. Have you found which situations suit you best? I look forward to hearing from you in the comments.
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Tuesday, 7th July 2009. You can leave a reply below.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/07/07/five-ways-to-a-more-satisfying-life/
12th July 2009
Hi Evan!
I’ve learnt a lot throughout my life about what my unmet needs are or have been, and about what kinds of environments and situations are best for me, but it has been a gradual process of discovery and I’d say even at 45 I’ve still got more to learn about these things. I seem to need things that most people don’t seem to need (at least not to the extent that I do), which is why I think it’s been so hard for me to identify (and then accept) them as my legitimate needs for my health and well-being.
I agree that we can be too hard on ourselves. Even harder than figuring out what my needs are and how to meet them, was, for me, giving myself permission to have those needs without shame and permission to allow those needs to be met without guilt.
After years of exploring and utilising various support avenues to no avail, I had to be firmly encouraged several times by my case manager (a psychologist) a couple of years ago, to apply for the Disability Support Pension, and when I finally did apply for it I was astonished to be granted it! About 18 months later I still feel undeserving of this pension and nervous about telling people after they ask “so what do you do?” (whereupon I go into great depths about all the wonderful things I spend my time on, all the while wondering what they think of the fact that most of these things aren’t income-earning activities).
And of course, even though I never receive a judgemental response I just figure that people are being polite. Just the other day, I felt so incredibly grateful for a very affirming/validating/understanding response from someone when I told them I’m on the DSP and only do a little paid work each week. And when I mentioned to her that I recognise myself as being a rather highly sensitive person, she said “oh, have you heard of the HSP website and book/s?”, which I had indeed heard of because another acquaintance who’d suspected I might identify with its ideas had previously forwarded me a link to the website (and yes, I found that very affirming/validating too).
I think, when we have needs that are either difficult to meet in our society or which seem uncommon, an associated need can be validation/affirmation and feeling understood with regards to these needs. It’s great to find people who can relate to the same needs and the difficulties in living in a society that doesn’t ordinarily recognise such needs as valid, or reflect them in things like workplaces and social norms etc. I think I’m very lucky to have several friends who really do understand my needs (and in some cases share them to some extent themselves) and still value me as a friend and respect me as a person with strengths and gifts to offer.
Christine. : )
12th July 2009
Hi Christine, I too think we have a need for validation. I think this is especially true for those of us who live lives that are not entirely mainstream. Like you I am lucky (and grateful) that I have friends who value and respect.
Thankyou for your comment.
17th July 2009
Hi! Evan Hi! Christine The last 4 years of my life have been a journey of self-discovery I’m 43 years old it has been a long journey. 10 years in a abusive marriage i got into this marriage because I didn’t know how to get my needs met. I just applied for disability support today!!!! Congratulations Christine i have to wait and see if will receive very nervous told one person that i can trust. This board is a blessing. Take care everyone.
17th July 2009
Cindy! Thanks for reading my post and for sharing your story, and I wish you well in being granted the DSP (or in getting those needs met in whatever positive way that becomes available to you)! : )
Oh, and if they don’t grant you the DSP, you could apply for “Newstart Incapacitated” (if that still exists) which gives you up to two years relief from the pressure of applying for jobs non-stop whilst seeking/receiving some form of therapeutic or practical support towards readiness to re-enter the workforce later on, and if after the 2 years of being on Newstart Incapacitated you find you’re still not ready, you might then be referred by C’link to an agency for case management (which replaces your requirement to apply for jobs and gives you another couple of years to “find a way back” whilst providing you with another avenue of practical support), and then if still not ready I’d say you’re likely to be granted the DSP – this was my process, anyway.
I remember the huge load I felt lifted off my shoulders psychologically, the day I applied for Newstart Incapacitated – that profound sense of relief, I believe, came from my having *given myself permission* to have a break and be supported and assisted in a way that I needed. I tell you all this so that you may not feel that all hope is lost if the DSP application is not successful, but then it may well be successful anyway, hey? Good luck! : )
17th July 2009
You take care too Cindy. Thanks for your comment.