Personal Empowerment: Invest Your Energy Where You Have Power
Human beings have one amazing power, but one power only — the power of choice.
This is the last article in a series centered around how to be maximally empowered in relationships, especially relationships with persons of deficient or disturbed character. In prior articles, we’ve discussed many empowerment tools such as never accepting excuses for inappropriate conduct, staying focused and in the here and now and remaining calm when confronting negative behavior, judging actions and not intentions, and setting limits and enforcing boundaries:
- “The Secrets of Personal Empowerment”
- “Empowerment Tools: Staying Focused”
- “Empowerment Tools: Judge Actions, Not Intentions”
- “Empowerment Tools: Set Your Limits”
- “Empowerment Tools: Recognizing, Defining, and Respecting Boundaries”
There is, however, no better way of empowering yourself in relationships that to be sure you invest your time, attention, and emotional energy where you have power.
One of the critical mistakes people often make, especially if they’re dealing with a person of deficient or disordered character, is to focus a lot of time, attention, and energy trying to understand and modify the behavior of the disturbed character. Of course, the behavior of another person is one of many areas of your life where you have no control (i.e., no power). Yet, because persons of defective character will often be good at manipulation and will have you questioning yourself, you can end up spending a lot of time and energy hoping that they will eventually change.
Human beings have one amazing power, but one power only — the power of choice. You have the power to act. You alone command your muscles. You have no power whatsoever over people, places, and things — anything external. Although many entertain the delusion, you have no power over the outcomes of your actions, either. You can do everything correctly and still not secure the desired results. Other factors influence that. Naturally, most of the time, unless adverse fate intervenes, if you behave prudently, appropriate rewards follow. But it’s important to recognize that nothing external to you is really within your power to control.
The biggest problem people have when they get caught in the trap of trying their best to make a problem relationship work — by focusing time, attention and energy on the person they can’t control — is that they inadvertently discover the behavioral “formula” for depression. Some time ago, researchers discovered that even animals who found themselves in the position of trying everything they could to reach a goal only to find themselves unable to control events, ended up feeling “helpless.” Their “learned helplessness” also led them to display the frustration, anxiety, and eventually the emotional and behavioral “shutdown” that characterizes depression. This helplessness model has been shown to apply to human beings as well. When people invest time and energy trying to make things happen only to find that no matter what they do or try nothing seems to change, they end up feeling frustrated, anxious, despondent, angry, “helpless,” and depressed.
Fortunately, there is a behavioral “formula” for vitality, joy and empowerment. That formula is to invest your time, attention, and emotional energy where you have power: your power to act. In addition to having counseled hundreds of individuals whose character needed much in the way of social development, I’ve also counseled hundreds of individuals who have been victims of abusive, manipulative, and exploitative relationships. Most of the one-time “victims” were to some degree depressed when they first came to see me and always for the same reason. They had invested considerable time and energy trying to understand their abuser, trying to make the relationship work, trying to maintain hope that the other person’s behavior would eventually change. They’d tell me things like: “I know he must have low self-esteem to be acting like this, and I know that once he realizes how much he is loved his wounds will eventually heal.” Clearly, harmful conceptualizations about the reasons for the problems, and misdirected energy, had only succeeded in putting these individuals in a position to remain mired in a destructive relationship and to become quite depressed in the process.
In my book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I tell the story of “Helen,” who after years of anguish discovered the tools of personal empowerment. She once told me:
I feel more alive today because I know I have power. I know all the “tactics” by heart. I know what some people are really like — how they think and how they act. I know what to expect and how to respond. But most of all, I know that I can set the rules. I and only I decide what the limits and boundaries are. I don’t pray for change, I take action. I’m never going to be the “steamroller” my partner was with me. But I’m committed to taking better care of myself.
There’s no way to explain the principles of personal empowerment any better than the words of Helen. She decided to invest her time, attention and energy where she has power. She traded depression for joy and a “doormat” existence for self-assertion. She understands all the principles and tools. I doubt that she’ll ever be a “victim” again.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Thursday, 18th June 2009. You can leave a reply below.
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http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/06/18/empowerment-tools-invest-your-energy-where-you-have-power/
20th June 2009
I have never taken the meaning of “power” in term of what you defined! Its really good to think like that. Rather , you have focused on how to maintain our dearest relations , that we never want to break,,Thanks a lot for this article.
22nd June 2009
Thanks for your comment, Sarah. I’m glad you liked the article. : )
23rd June 2009
I have known that learned helplessness too well. It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. And so self-defeating! You can get to the point of making very bad decisions because it is so hard to think when you are feasting on the lie that I had to fix my dh or just “take it”. But as Dr Simon says.. there is a third way that works.
This experience with my disordered dh has taught me to be a thinker rather than a victim. I now take a step back and look at the whole situation before I act. I look at what is my part and what is his, then separate the two. Then I see where I have power, what I am willing to do or set as a boundary, then stick to it, knowing that I am not a bad person and no matter what his reaction is (that is his responsibility).
Thanks again for your series on empowerment; you are a voice of reason that is so needed right now in a time where people are having a lot of problems with these disordered individuals. I am hopeful now that as we start talking about this problem and find solutions that work, we can turn relationships around. I see tremendous proof every day in what was once hopeless.
23rd June 2009
Thanks for the positive feedback, Karen and for your very eloquent elaboration. You are also right that for a variety of reasons, character disturbance is becoming widespread and we’re all struggling to find paradigms that will really help folks understand and deal with the problem. Your comments indicate quite clearly that you “get it” and are on the right track. Thanks again for your feedback. : )
29th July 2009
Dear Dr Simon
I’ve just read your series on dealing with abuse and manipulation by disturbed individuals. Thank you very much – your insight is crystal clear and cuts through all the entanglements and confusions that these people create. You’ve given me much reassurance and confirmation that my gut ‘thinking’ has been and is accurate and self-supportive (and there was me being led down the path of ‘You’re being too simplistic, too sensitive!’ by a couple of these disturbed types. Tch!).
I’m interested in your thoughts as to why there are increasing numbers of disturbed/disordered people nowadays. Certainly, these types infest every area of life now, in my experience. They are even to be found in the ranks of doctors and psychotherapists, and other public service workers. Indeed, public services seem to be a haven for these sort of people. I wonder if that’s because accountability is, in practice, minimal and thus it’s harder to lose one’s job or incur sanctions?
If I may, a word about this present article. I wonder if you could say more about discerning where one has power? I understand the concept and practice of putting energies into those areas that are amenable to one’s power but I notice that the paragraph about the formula for joy etc ends with concentrating on the abuser (again – groan!) and not on actual routes that are positive for us/ those who have been the abuser’s target.
Personally, I found Helen’s new ‘operating principles’ inspiring only to a degree because they’re rather wooly, they focus on why (the former abuse) and don’t define the practical HOWs/rules of engagement that ensure that we generally feel healthier and function better. Similarly, they focus on ‘reaction to/against’ the specific abuser, rather than having ‘my reasonable needs’ at heart. Perhaps a simple, clear set of generalised ‘rules’ for oneself could be elaborated here.
I hope I’m making sense here!
But, overall, you’ve written a tremendously helpful series. Thank you once again.
best wishes
Deb
29th July 2009
Thanks so much for your comments and questions, Deb. Your question about why there are more disturbed characters these days is one I’m going to be addressing in a main blog post I’m already preparing for this site. I might obliquely reference your question in the introduction.
With respect to your other questions:
My referencing of “Helen’s” comments about personal empowerment was meant to summaries all of the strategies I had been posting on in the series. There is nothing complicated to “discern” about where one has power. Despite the may delusions people are capable of engaging in, we have one and one power only: the power of choice. We don’t have power over outcomes or over people, places or things. But we always have the power to act. And we have the power to learn from our misguided or mistaken actions. What hangs people up in dysfunctional relationships much of the time are the twofold mistakes of investing too much time and energy trying to understand, influence, or control the other person, or succumbing to the delusion that you can necessarily control outcomes. So, when people invest their time and energy trying to “make things happen,” or trying to change another, they’re bound to become frustrated, angry, and eventually depressed. Contrarily when they take charge of their own destinies, take action strictly on their own behalf, and in appropriate humility are willing to be guided and “corrected” by the fruits their actions bring, they become empowered and full of vitality and joy. So, the formula for “joy” is not connected to anyone or anything external. It is a matter of individual choice about how to direct the investment of time and emotional energy.
You asked for some specifics. There are 14 “tools” that I have outlined in the posts. Although they might make mention of others when examples are given (after all they are primarily meant to help people become more empowered in relationships with disturbed characters), they are also general principles that represent personal choices. For example, the tool “judge actions, not intentions” is a guide for how to appraise situations in general and how to plan responses to them. Second-guessing intentions is a sure way to dig oneself a hole with respect to personal empowerment. Actions speak louder than words or expressed intentions. And they’re better predictors of future behavior than promises are. So, many of the “tools” represent general principles, but I do see your point about possibly refining a better set of generalized rules for oneself. I’ll work on that. In the meantime, the number one rule is the most important.
Thanks again for your comments. I really appreciate them.: )
29th July 2009
Sorry, I just realized a major typo. In the second paragraph, it should read that my referencing of “Helen’s” comments was meant to “summarize” not summaries.
15th September 2009
I have found your article so help with a friendship that we as a couple had established. Our sons were at school togeter andwe found ourselves having increasing contact with the child’s parents. But gradually and very slowly we eventually found ourselves being organised in our free time. Both my husband and myself work full time yet on our weekends we found that we were looking after this couples son. He works full time but she stays at home. They both appear to be very controlling of their son, what he eats what after school clubs he attends and who he plays with. They are constant visitors at the school, doctor, leisure clubs making complaints etc. They also told us that when we were away for the odd weekend that they would go up and down our road waiting for us to return home. It became a family joke as to how long after our return this family arrive at our door. It was all out of balance and we found ourselves fitting in to their routine and schedule.
I have found your article liberating but despite us setting our boundaries and being more protective with our time and more direct with them they have not stepped back and appear to be oblivious. This has been gong on for a year now and still they keep coming forward to make requests. They have noticed a change about our approach and how little time we spend with them but they now partonise me that i dont appear to be myself , am I coping as a full time working Mum. Mutual friends are also suddenly asking if they can help me and my husband by taking my son , to give us free time together. NOW I feel rage because it is this couple spreading their intepretation about our withdrawal as us not coping with life.
We have not sat them down and told them that they are suffocating and controlling as I believe that that would open up a dialogue which they would try to fix. We do not want it fixed. We just want them to leave us alone. Any further suggestions would be appreciated.