Comments on: Empowerment Tools: Don’t Threaten, Just Act

By: Theann Faucher

Theann Faucher — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 06:42:36 +0000

Oh, and immediately following the incident, I very calmly looked him in the eye and said, “I asked you to slow down and you didn’t so I had to do it for you.” Then later I rambled on about how he could feel good about instilling fear into me…did not affect his behavior one bit! He still does it. Only he’s gotten smarter and uses things that I can’t act against to take care of myself. Like money! Thankfully we are broken up and have gladly gone our separate ways because I was, “too much for him to handle; an alpha female.” :D

By: Theann Faucher

Theann Faucher — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 06:32:00 +0000

I can’t believe it when I read this. It explains a lot of incidences in my life and relationship with my boyfriend. I have to share a story. Once, we were driving along and he became mad at me for something (I can’t remember what) and started driving really fast and crazy on rough mountainous roads. He was trying to scare me. I told him at least three times to slow down and he didn’t. Well, I grabbed the shifter and pulled it down into first gear. The engine immediately died and the truck slowed to a stop. OH MAN was I in TROUBLE!! He didn’t talk to me for at least four days. He made me feel terrible and still does! Not so much after reading this though. Turns out, the truck needed a new shifter and I “cost him” $1000 in towing and damage. I was made to feel cruel and bad. And I even forgot why I reacted like I did.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 22:27:27 +0000

Hi, Marisol. The “craziness” usually comes from knowing in your gut what they’re up to but having a hard time objectively proving it and questioning yourself for too long. The depression results from the loss of investment and the helpless and hopeless feeling connected to hours, days, weeks, etc. trying to make something happen you haven’t the power to effect. The perfect antidote to this is investing your emotional energy and time where you have power. It’s invigorating and joy-producing. Once you adequately make peace with the loss of investment, the depression will be gone. ; )

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 22:23:09 +0000

Hi, Laurie. Great comment. Another take: Disturbed characters are okay with their behavior and want you to think the problem is you. The problem is definitely them. The SOLUTION, however, is YOU.

By: Laurie

Laurie — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 18:40:35 +0000

This has been a real eye-opening read. So, the problem IS me, not them and now I see why. Thanks for explaining this so well and clearly.

By: Marisol

Marisol — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 18:34:39 +0000

I dont know anymore what is the perfect antidote for depression. Or may be I have never known of such antidote. What I know is that this type of people (disturbed charachters)are constantly making you feel like crazy; I am constantly walking on eggshelves. It is hard to have a civilized relationship so that the kids see their two parents putting aside their differences,to be able to dicipline them. I am getting better being assertive at my job and in my relation with friends. I just dont know how to act around this person anymore, I am not even talking when he is around and that makes me depressed. I can not wait for this to be over.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:22:25 +0000

Great comments, all. Thanks. People don’t assert themselves in relationships for a variety of reasons, many of which you have mentioned. It’s unfortunately also true that disturbed characters will use the “I hate to be seen as selfish and uncaring” sensitivity of the neurotic against them, inviting them to feel guilty for asserting what they need. Most of the time, this tactic works.

Outside of the fact that assertion is the much more effective and healthy tact compared to manipulation and endless cajoling, investing power where you indeed have it (in your own initiatives) is the behavioral “formula” for joy and the perfect antidote for depression. : )

By: Mariana

Mariana — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 12:00:56 +0000

I like the fact that you brought up the topic of assertiveness. In my community, sometimes, being assertive is regarded as being selfish or a “bad person,” while being a “good person” means being “selfless (read silly).”

I usually tell people who ask for advice or guidance that stating what you need or want in a straightfoward and selfless way is healthy and does not mean they are “bad or mean.” Some people fail to do this because there’s a lot of prejudice against those who bluntly (or openly) state what they need or want.

Maybe because this is a closed minded community, maybe because of religion (an extremely Catholic community) or for whatever reason, but it seems that being assertive is something bad or wrong. People would rather be “politically correct” (o hypocritical) and subtely manipulate others because it makes them get what they want or need and, at the same time, makes them “look nice people”… Which -in my opinion- it’s not exactly healthy.

Of course, we need to be careful with the “Tell it as it is” approach, lest we hurt others. But being assertive should not hurt. Yet, people stating openl and honestly what they need are still looked down on in this community.

By: Marie

Marie — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 17:24:05 +0000

I have to laugh . . this issue of “how do I get my co-habitation partner to carry his own weight with domestic chores?” keeps coming up for me . . I keep beating my head against the wall, I attempt to manipulate and argue to get him to change. So . . I can see, it’s my choice in partners that is causing the issue, not my inability to express my needs . . . if I don’t want to carry the doubled housework, I shouldn’t invite partners who won’t carry their weight into a co-habitation! (Lightbulb moment!)

Thanks!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)