Personal Empowerment: Don’t Threaten, Just Act
There’s no need to “red flag” action that you’re willing to take if the disturbed character won’t change. Don’t threaten, just take action.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on how to be more empowered in any relationship, especially in relationships with persons of deficient or disordered character. Some of the “tools” of personal empowerment we’ve discussed already include staying calm, collected and focused when dealing with a person that would otherwise mislead, unnerve, or distract you ; knowing yourself well enough to be aware of the traits you possess that a manipulator might use against you; and becoming a better judge of the character of others:
- “Empowerment Tools: Staying Focused”
- “Empowerment Tools: Knowing Yourself”
- “Empowerment Tools: Know Who You’re Dealing With”
Another way to remain empowered in your relationships is to avoid threatening to do things while simply taking assertive action on your behalf.
It’s very common for people to fall into the trap of trying to control the behavior of someone else. This is especially true if the person you’re in a relationship with is of deficient or disturbed character. Conscientious people are generally exhausted from all the effort it takes to meet all their responsibilities and to make things work in their relationships. The last thing they want is another burden. They hope and pray that the other person will carry their fair share of the load. And, when they don’t, they might try and coerce them into behaving better by “threatening” some action or to leave the relationship altogether. This might result in a temporary manipulation, and the other party might act more responsibly for awhile. But in the end, old patterns generally return and the person easily finds himself or herself back in the same old spot.
The tendency to try and coerce another person into right action also has its roots in the common but inaccurate belief that disturbed characters “just don’t see what they’re doing.” So, a person can become deluded that if they simply maneuver someone into behaving more appropriately, they will eventually “see the light” and change their behavior more permanently. But the fact is that disturbed characters know full well what they’re doing and how others want them to behave. They know exactly what values and standards persons without disturbances of character hold. They simply don’t want to accede to those standards. So there’s no need to “red flag” action that you’re willing to take on your own behalf if the disturbed character won’t change. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself, purely and simply. So, don’t threaten action. Take action. Such action doesn’t always have to be drastic, but it has to be firm and in your interest. The other party will always “get the message” that you’re not about to be abused, exploited, or manipulated.
Sometimes overly conscientious people equate acting in their own best interest with being “selfish.” Nothing can be further from the truth. Selfishness is self-absorption, self-seeking behavior that either disregards the rights and needs of others or tramples them deliberately in favor of personal gain. Taking the time and care to tend to your own legitimate wants and needs while not unnecessarily inflicting harm on others (i.e., self-assertion) is perfectly healthy and desirable. That doesn’t mean that a good manipulator won’t try to convince you that you’re somehow doing wrong to take care of yourself. But in your heart, you should know the difference between mistreating someone else and simply taking care of yourself.
So, if you find yourself dealing with a questionable character, remember your first and foremost responsibility. Take care of yourself. That usually means action. Don’t threaten, cajole, or try to manipulate, just DO. You’re more likely to gain the respect of others as well as to increase your own self-respect if you’re willing to take assertive action to secure your legitimate needs.
9 Responses (2 Discussion Threads) to “Empowerment Tools: Don’t Threaten, Just Act”
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I have to laugh . . this issue of “how do I get my co-habitation partner to carry his own weight with domestic chores?” keeps coming up for me . . I keep beating my head against the wall, I attempt to manipulate and argue to get him to change. So . . I can see, it’s my choice in partners that is causing the issue, not my inability to express my needs . . . if I don’t want to carry the doubled housework, I shouldn’t invite partners who won’t carry their weight into a co-habitation! (Lightbulb moment!)
Thanks!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
I like the fact that you brought up the topic of assertiveness. In my community, sometimes, being assertive is regarded as being selfish or a “bad person,” while being a “good person” means being “selfless (read silly).”
I usually tell people who ask for advice or guidance that stating what you need or want in a straightfoward and selfless way is healthy and does not mean they are “bad or mean.” Some people fail to do this because there’s a lot of prejudice against those who bluntly (or openly) state what they need or want.
Maybe because this is a closed minded community, maybe because of religion (an extremely Catholic community) or for whatever reason, but it seems that being assertive is something bad or wrong. People would rather be “politically correct” (o hypocritical) and subtely manipulate others because it makes them get what they want or need and, at the same time, makes them “look nice people”… Which -in my opinion- it’s not exactly healthy.
Of course, we need to be careful with the “Tell it as it is” approach, lest we hurt others. But being assertive should not hurt. Yet, people stating openl and honestly what they need are still looked down on in this community.
Great comments, all. Thanks. People don’t assert themselves in relationships for a variety of reasons, many of which you have mentioned. It’s unfortunately also true that disturbed characters will use the “I hate to be seen as selfish and uncaring” sensitivity of the neurotic against them, inviting them to feel guilty for asserting what they need. Most of the time, this tactic works.
Outside of the fact that assertion is the much more effective and healthy tact compared to manipulation and endless cajoling, investing power where you indeed have it (in your own initiatives) is the behavioral “formula” for joy and the perfect antidote for depression. : )
I dont know anymore what is the perfect antidote for depression. Or may be I have never known of such antidote. What I know is that this type of people (disturbed charachters)are constantly making you feel like crazy; I am constantly walking on eggshelves. It is hard to have a civilized relationship so that the kids see their two parents putting aside their differences,to be able to dicipline them. I am getting better being assertive at my job and in my relation with friends. I just dont know how to act around this person anymore, I am not even talking when he is around and that makes me depressed. I can not wait for this to be over.
Hi, Marisol. The “craziness” usually comes from knowing in your gut what they’re up to but having a hard time objectively proving it and questioning yourself for too long. The depression results from the loss of investment and the helpless and hopeless feeling connected to hours, days, weeks, etc. trying to make something happen you haven’t the power to effect. The perfect antidote to this is investing your emotional energy and time where you have power. It’s invigorating and joy-producing. Once you adequately make peace with the loss of investment, the depression will be gone. ; )
This has been a real eye-opening read. So, the problem IS me, not them and now I see why. Thanks for explaining this so well and clearly.
Hi, Laurie. Great comment. Another take: Disturbed characters are okay with their behavior and want you to think the problem is you. The problem is definitely them. The SOLUTION, however, is YOU.
I can’t believe it when I read this. It explains a lot of incidences in my life and relationship with my boyfriend. I have to share a story. Once, we were driving along and he became mad at me for something (I can’t remember what) and started driving really fast and crazy on rough mountainous roads. He was trying to scare me. I told him at least three times to slow down and he didn’t. Well, I grabbed the shifter and pulled it down into first gear. The engine immediately died and the truck slowed to a stop. OH MAN was I in TROUBLE!! He didn’t talk to me for at least four days. He made me feel terrible and still does! Not so much after reading this though. Turns out, the truck needed a new shifter and I “cost him” $1000 in towing and damage. I was made to feel cruel and bad. And I even forgot why I reacted like I did.
Oh, and immediately following the incident, I very calmly looked him in the eye and said, “I asked you to slow down and you didn’t so I had to do it for you.” Then later I rambled on about how he could feel good about instilling fear into me…did not affect his behavior one bit! He still does it. Only he’s gotten smarter and uses things that I can’t act against to take care of myself. Like money! Thankfully we are broken up and have gladly gone our separate ways because I was, “too much for him to handle; an alpha female.” :D