Accepting Our Dependence
Accepting our physical dependence is easy. We rely on oxygen, nourishment and so on without a thought. Accepting our dependence on other people can often be much trickier.
We live in a culture that values independence and self-sufficiency. It is hard to feel good about our dependence.
This can lead to problems in our relationships. For instance, it means that we value being relied on and able to help but aren’t so comfortable asking for help. This is a set-up for exhaustion and quite possibly burnout.
Accepting our physical dependence is easy. We rely on oxygen, nourishment and so on without a thought. Accepting our dependence on other people can often be much trickier.
One reason we dislike being dependent on others may be that people have let us down in the past. People are less reliable than the air around us. Even if they are well intentioned, they can do things that hurt us.
Perhaps it is to do with needing to grow away from dependence on our parents. There aren’t a lot of rights of passage in our Western cultures to help make this transition.
We know we are vulnerable to others and their opinions. We know we can be hurt by what others say to us and about us. We will often go to great lengths to fit in with what others think about us. I don’t mean to say that this is a bad thing; I mean to point out that it is a big part of our life — and yet, we often seem uncomfortable with it.
Our response it seems to me is often to attempt to harden ourselves, to attempt to become self-sufficient — at least emotionally. This will often make us less receptive and so we will have a larger emotional deficit, which is likely to have us more emotionally dependent — not less.
Even if we could become indifferent to others’ feelings, and I’m not sure that we can, I’m not sure it would be desirable. Compassion seems a valuable thing to me. And compassion does need to take account of others’ feelings I think. (Much else too, but I think sensitivity to feeling needs to be included. Otherwise it is likely to be ‘cold charity’.)
What does it take to accept our dependence?
I think it takes a safe place. We won’t want to be dependent where it is dangerous. This means working on our relationships as we can, so that we do have people that we trust in our lives.
I think it takes a willingness to see that we are dependent, and to see this in specific detail — not just that I am affected by others in general, but that I need to complimented on how well I cooked that meal, or typed that letter at work.
I think it takes a willingness to ask for what we need and want. There is a myth (I think) that if someone gives us something because we asked for it, then it doesn’t count. It can be a delightful surprise when people discover what we need and give it to us spontaneously — a smile or a hug or an offer to help us with a job we have taken on. But if they are willing to help when we ask, then I think that this counts too. If we aren’t willing to ask, we can become resentful that people don’t offer (effectively resenting that they can’t read my mind).
What are the benefits?
I think there are at least two:
- Relaxation. Maintaining the attempt at self-sufficiency is awfully tiring.
- A more intelligent appreciation of ourselves and our environment. We can become more aware of our own needs, and so more aware of what is available in our environment to meet these needs. This brings us the possibility of more effective action.
If we know that we need support to achieve a particular goal, then we can look around for the support we need (expertise in designing a house, help with making a meal, instruction in how to play an instrument, whatever it happens to be). We can then use this support, find ways to compensate if it is not available, or choose not to pursue what we don’t have the resources to do.
If we are willing to accept our dependence, I think that we will live with less stress and more effectiveness.
I would like to hear about your feelings about dependence. Do you find it easy or difficult to accept? Perhaps you feel that I’ve got it wrong and that emotional self-sufficiency is a worthy goal. I would like to hear your experience in the comments.
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Tuesday, 2nd June 2009. You can leave a reply below.
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http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/06/02/accepting-our-dependence/
3rd June 2009
I find very difficult to acknowledge my own needs.Also,find extreamely hard to ask for help, may be b/c as you well described it, to me -”people are less reliable than the air around”. That reminded me of a person I knew some time ago and said that -”pets are more reliable than people”… my son’s hamster may be. Anyways, I am still curious about “us”,us being peoples behavior.
3rd June 2009
Hi Marisol, I’m always curious about ‘us’ too. Thanks for your comment.
4th June 2009
Dependence on others, for me is difficult; because it requires entrusting myself to someone, or to others, to some degree. Very very frightening right now with regard to close friendships. Having been divorced after being married for a long while, I’m still cautious on even the definition of friendship. I consider friendship to be a big step beyond acquaintanceship. Nothing casual to me about being or having friends. But I find, that I hold back depending on others then also.
The quandary is that although I need to accept a certain level of dependence I attach maybe too high priority on reliability of others? Am I seeing this right?
If I am asked by someone to date and depend on him and no one else, should I not be too concerned with his apparent interest in other women? I say I am no fool, but not sure if he cares one way or the other. He just says I don’t trust him. He’s right. So as far as healing from betrayal during my marriage goes,I am having a tough time allowing the relationship with my “friend” to develop, if I am just having trust issues without valid proof of his unreliability.
4th June 2009
Hi Mia, it is hard to trust when we feel we have been betrayed.
My approach is to trust my feelings, be kind to myself, take things one step at a time. Of course others are more intense and like a quicker pace than I.
The comment you make about your level of dependence catches my attention. I think my friends are reliable in different ways and for different things. It has helped me to be clear what these are (that Davey will never be tidy, that Dawn will always be late and so on).
Thanks for your comment, you raise very important issues I think.
4th June 2009
To me then, this whole thing is much more tiring you see, than just remaining acquaintances, which I enjoy and have many mutual ties.
So this is the only thing I take exception to in the article, that dependence on others is relaxing. To me, it’s an awful lot of work right now to consider what I would lose by depending on this other person. I think I do need space. I’m tired of working that hard only to face possibility of being taken as a fool again.
Maybe once that trust is established if ever, but I thought I had that before. Now I’m skittish.
4th June 2009
Hi Mia, I have been divorced and I do think I understand your skittishness.
My intention in the article was to say that acknowledging our dependence means that we don’t need to expend the energy in pretending we aren’t dependent. I may not have said this clearly.
It sounds to me that you are in a very difficult place right now. I guess we can never guarantee that we won’t be taken as a fool again (only do what we can to minimise the chances). I guess that’s not very comforting.
I understand that contemplating being dependent on someone else can be very anxiety-provoking. I hope you have the space to listen to your feelings and arrive at a decision that you are happy with.
Thankyou for your very personal comment.
5th June 2009
Evan,
I’ve always been independent and find it hard to depend on others, financially at least. I don’t think I’ll ever want to give up my own income and have to stretch out my hand to a husband for money.
Emotional dependence is easier. I’ve come to accept that I need to feel close to someone, and that I need this person to do certain things that make me feel cared for. In the past I’d wait for the person to read my mind, but now I agree with you that if I ask and he agrees, it’s as good as him initiating the action. Because he could easily not agree to do it, so the agreement does count.
Nice, thoughtfully written article.
6th June 2009
Thanks for the compliment Daphne.
Maybe I should do a post specifically on financial dependence and independence. It can certainly be an emotionally intense subject. My partner and I find government rules about this particularly infuriating.
22nd June 2009
Hi,
I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for almost three years and all I do now is think about how gullible and naive I was to have put my trust in this person. He’s betrayed me in such insidious ways that I no longer trust myself in being able to make a good judgement about anyone. It has reinforced me to only trust myself and become completely independant. I ‘know’ that this will probably not help me in establishing any ‘healthy / normal’ relationship, but I do not want to go through this ever again.
Liselotte
22nd June 2009
Hi Liselotte,
I certainly understand your response to being taken in.
My guess is that you do have reliable judgement in some things.
I am very in favour of staying safe in relationships. This may be abnormal but I think it is sensible.
If you have thought about ways to become independant and perhaps improve your judgement, and your happy to say what they are (in general) I’d like to hear.
Thanks for your comment.
22nd June 2009
I’m financially independant (I always was), I take care of my own business and i’m emotionally independant. I take responsibility for and do not need anyone to add to my happiness, i’m ok just the way I am.
I’ve come to understand that background, friends, reliability, caring behaviours or attitudes (i.e. empathy) can be hidden, faked and superficial. His friends are the most wonderful people, he has a very good job, is highly achieving and the only person in his environment I could analyse as ‘a bit off’ was his father, but NEVER could I have imagined what my ex would be capable of doing. For months I asked myself if I was making this bigger in my mind than it actually was. I’ve come to realise that checking with friends/family on the issues in the relationship only made me question myself more. I always considered myself a strong person with fairly high self-esteem, I could never have imagined how he would manipulate me, trigger me and ‘push my buttons’ without me knowing/seeing what was going on.
I now question every single interaction, discussion I had with him, what was real and what was the ‘effect’ he was trying to have on me. I just don’t know.. It’s mind-boggling, a true ‘cognitive dissonance’.
So as for trust; from now on I will be very, very wary with anyone.