Personal Empowerment: Recognizing, Defining, and Respecting Boundaries
Ultimately, people have power only over one thing: the execution of their free will.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on ways people can empower themselves in their relationships, especially with those of deficient or disordered character. These tools of empowerment were first highlighted in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. Some of the tools we have already discussed include keeping communication straightforward, open, and direct; never excusing abusive or inappropriate behavior; never second-guessing someone’s motivations; being aware of personality traits you have that others can take advantage of; and becoming a better judge of the character of persons with whom you are involved:
- “Empowerment Tools: Make Direct Requests, Expect Direct Responses”
- “The Secrets of Personal Empowerment”
- “Empowerment Tools: Judge Actions, Not Intentions”
- “Empowerment Tools: Knowing Yourself”
- “Empowerment Tools: Know Who You’re Dealing With”
In the last post, we discussed the importance of setting limits, both limits on the kinds of behaviors you will tolerate as well as limits on the kinds of things you are willing to do. An important companion empowerment tool to setting limits is recognizing, defining, and respecting boundaries.
At heart, boundaries are all about personal safety and well-being. But before a person can set a reasonable boundary, they have to recognize just what a boundary is and where some natural boundaries need to be drawn. Some people are not very clear in their own minds just where they end and another person begins. They don’t have a good sense for what’s “their stuff” as opposed to “someone else’s stuff.” Such people often take on an inordinate sense of responsibility for another’s behavior. Similarly, such individuals have a poor sense of where their personal power ends.
Ultimately, people have power over only one thing: the execution of their free will. Only you can will your muscles to move. You have the power of your own action. Despite a common belief among persons who have learned how to depress themselves, you don’t have power over outcomes. And you don’t have power over other people’s behavior, places, things, and situations. You have power over the decisions you make in response to those things, however, and it is your responsibility to exercise that power in your best interest. Other people don’t have power over you, either. They don’t “make” you angry (even though many of us talk this way frequently), or “drive” you to do anything. They present you with challenges, and you make a decision about how to respond. And if you’re of the conviction that when you do or say something you think is right it should necessarily lead to an outcome you desire, you will only become angry, feel helpless and hopeless, and eventually become depressed.
The empowerment tools we’ve been talking about don’t exist in a vacuum. For a person really to empower themselves in their lives and relationships, you must be aware of how these tools all fit and work together. A person who respects boundaries, sets limits, won’t excuse inappropriate conduct, keeps communication direct, etc. makes his or her needs known and makes decisions about how to respond to actions and situations that threaten those needs. All this can be done without hostility, blaming, resentment, or undue fanfare. It’s simply a matter of taking care of oneself and not feeling responsible for anything or anyone else.
In my book I talk about the gross overuse of the term “co-dependence” and its egregious misuse when describing relationships in which one party is a clear manipulator and abuser and the other party is the proverbial doormat. In such relationships, one person alone is “dependent,” often emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Taking responsibility for setting one’s own limits and boundaries is the key to overcoming dependence and becoming an independently functioning, self-efficacious person. When we stop “needing” so much, we’re freer to place restrictions on the lengths we’re willing to go and the kinds of behaviors we’ll put up with. That enables us to seek and maintain relationships that have the potential to be mutually supportive, deep, and lasting.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Thursday, 14th May 2009. You can leave a reply below.
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16th May 2009
“Ultimately, people have power only over one thing: the execution of their free will”.
So simple, so well put, so true! Great post, George!
18th May 2009
Thanks, Sarah.
16th May 2009
You know, whenever I tell people they can stop being a victim of a smooth manipulator by taking action, they invariably tell me I am “wrong” because they are the “victims” and they are not the abusers, so “why should they do something about it.”
If people could only realize how important it is not to let others to have control over their lives, they would allow themselves to live a much better life, disabling (instead of enabling) abusers to have a say in or control over their lives.
Personally, I believe that -in many cases- those who are victims of manipulators need to understand that if they don’t do something to avoid being manipulated by others, those manipulators will not do something to spare the victims the effects of their manipulative actions.
This usually confuses people who think I “put the blame on the victim,” but that is not so. I know it’s not a victim’s fault that there are abusers out there with mental health problems. Those abusers will exist regardless of the presence of the victim.
What I mean is that victims of abusers or manipulators need to understand their responsibility or the role they play in a controlling or abusive relationship. Thus, they can change that pattern of behavior, and put an end to an abuser’s controlling actions.
While it may not be possible to “fix” an abusive relationship in many cases, it will be possible for the victim to prevent future abusive relationships, provided this victim does something to change.
Your empowerment tools are a great resource for victims of manipulators to prevent future controlling relationships. All people need is to become aware they can actually use these tools, and put them into practice, because they DO work.
18th May 2009
Great points, Mariana!
It’s so natural for those who have been the victims of abuse and exploitation to be angry. In their anger, they sometimes feel like doing even more work while letting their abuser “get away with” doing nothing is anathema.
Anger is such a misunderstood emotion. It’s natures way of prompting us to right a wrong or change a bad situation. It can prompt us to overt hostility or covert actions to inflict injury. It can also prompt us to passive-aggression which is always self-defeating. But it can also be the driving force behind asserting ourselves (fending for our welfare while respecting the rights of others) provided that it’s disciplined and channeled properly.
What I have found is that some individuals have never seemed to know when it’s really appropriate to be angry and to let anger serve it’s most noble purpose. They also don’t seem to know how to translate that anger into empowering assertive action. But they can learn!
21st May 2009
I agree with you, Dr. Simon. I guess the hard part for some people is to learn to become aware of their own emotions, and how to manage them. Emotions, especially when intense, can block people or prevent them from thinking properly (or in a clear way.) In my book on emotional abuse, I suggest people to “just sit and wait a bit” before they take any action when they are feeling hurt or angry.
Sometimes, this may not be the best advice since -in some cases- people need to take action a.s.a.p., but usually, when they act out of anger, pain, frustration, humilliation, etc. their response is rarely the most convenient for them, and tends to favor the abuser or manipulator, instead.
21st May 2009
Your point is well taken, Mariana. I’ve given the same advice with respect to taking time to collect oneself many times. In fact, it’s in my book, too, and it’s one of the empowerment tools and I’ll be doing a post on later in the series.
I also make the point in my writings that one of the reasons the more subtle tactics of manipulation, control, and abuse work is because people intuitively sense aggression and danger when the abusive party starts doing their thing and this evokes fear, apprehension, and a host of other powerful feelings. Meanwhile, on the surface, there maybe nothing overt going on to allow the person to justify or validate the feelings they’re having, and they end up feeling a bit crazy and confused. I’ll be posting on that later on, too.
23rd May 2009
“…people intuitively sense aggression and danger when the abusive party starts doing their thing and this evokes fear, apprehension, and a host of other powerful feelings.” This is something very important to keep in mind, thanks a lot for pointing this out. I believe it will help more people understand the dynamics of abusive relationship.
14th October 2009
How can one defend their boundaries as being reasonable and “natural” as you say in this article? The disturbed character I am dealing with attacks my boundaries as hurtful and designed to “exclude” him and make him “ride on the back of the bus” if I choose to spend time alone with my kids when they are home from college. Since we are “planning a life together”, I should insist that my kids come to his home if they want to spend time with me, since that is where I usually am most of the week. However, I only spend most of my time there because I don’t want to fight and answer 20 questions about WHY I’m choosing to stay home alone. He undermines boundaries that I think are common and normal. Are there guidelines to determine if a boundary is reasonable and natural or just selfish?
16th October 2009
Hi, Renee. The mere fact that you feel the need to “defend” your boundaries speaks volumes. As long as you send a message that you’re unsure about your right and responsibility to set limits and boundaries, you can expect a willful personality to challenge them. That challenging can take many forms and involve many tactics, such as “shaming,” guilt-tripping, casting oneself as a victim, etc. (I have a series on these tactics). The important thing to remember is that it’s solely up to you to set and enforce boundaries and limits. If you have some genuine concerns that you have “issues” that impair your ability to be rational in doing so, that’s what therapy is for. But you cannot simultaneously send the message that you’re unsure of yourself and expect not to be challenged.