Personal Empowerment: Knowing Yourself and Your Strengths, Weaknesses and Needs
Make no mistake: individuals of unscrupulous character do their homework with respect to understanding you. That’s how they’re able to get the better of you.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on how to be more empowered in relationships in general, and especially in relationships with persons of deficient or disturbed character. Some of the tools of empowerment we’ve already discussed include accepting no excuses for inappropriate behavior, judging actions instead of intentions, holding others accountable by being direct in your communication and expecting direct communication from them, and not being lured off message by diversionary and evasion tactics:
- “The Secrets of Personal Empowerment”
- “Empowerment Tools: Judge Actions, Not Intentions”
- “Empowerment Tools: Make Direct Requests, Expect Direct Responses”
- “Empowerment Tools: Staying Focused”
One very important general key to personal empowerment is knowing yourself well. Everyone has certain personality traits and qualities. Some of our traits represent strengths, others weaknesses. But it’s crucial that we know what makes ourselves tick. Some of us are overly sensitive to criticism or rejection. Some of us are overly trusting or gullible. Some of us try way too hard to understand. Some of us always want to see the best in others and inadvertently turn a blind eye to their more malicious conduct. Knowing oneself, one’s core belief system, one’s most intimate wants, needs, and desires, and most especially the kinds of individuals one is most attracted to is a prerequisite to avoid disappointment, exploitation, and mistreatment in relationships.
When I was doing research for my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], a young woman came to me who had an inordinate need to feel of value. At heart, she wasn’t really sure of her own worth and gained her sense of value by the degree to which she felt “needed” by others. Her husband always “needed” her most whenever he was appearing depressed and drinking again. Her son appeared to need her the most whenever he had lost another job and needed help with the kids or money. In the end, this woman’s need to be needed ended up putting her in a position in which she was constantly abused and exploited. Yet she feared that if she put her foot down, she’d be emotionally abandoned altogether and that no one would want her. This woman had no sense of power in her life.
I’ve received countless testimonials over the years from individuals who attest to the fact that their lives were changed forever and they found untold personal power once they became determined to search their souls not only for their deepest wants and needs but also for those aspects of their own character that put them most at risk for abuse and exploitation at the hands of others. Knowledge is power. And knowledge of oneself is most empowering, especially in the realm of interpersonal relations. Make no mistake: individuals of unscrupulous character do their homework with respect to understanding you. That’s how they’re able to get the better of you. They often know you better than you know yourself, and that is the heart of the problem. The key to empowerment is knowing those aspects of yourself that make you vulnerable. And knowing yourself is the first step in loving yourself sufficiently to set the limits necessary to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of in your relationships.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Thursday, 30th April 2009.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/04/30/empowerment-tools-knowing-yourself/
30th April 2009
I guess this is why the famous quote “Know Yourself” was written at the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. If only we would go back the ancient Greek’s knowledge :-)
I believe it’s critical to know one emotions well enough to have sound control on them. When we fail to control our emotions (or the level of reaction that arises from our emotions) then we are (sort of) enabling manipulators abuse us. Hence, knowing ourselves (or at least knowing ourselves better than abusers do) is truly a powerful tool, indeed.
4th May 2009
Well said, Mariana!
2nd May 2009
Nice post, George! As far as knowledge of self or others is concerned – it is the intention that counts. The same emotional facts that others might use to maniupulate us, we can use to accept, love and protect ourselves.
4th May 2009
Thanks, Sarah. And you’re absolutely right about how some qualities (e.g., conscientiousness, fidelity, goodwill toward others, etc.) that unscrupulous characters used to manipulate should be cause for self-affirmation in those that possess them. They just need to be aware of how such traits are used instead of appreciated by some others.
6th May 2009
I loved your article and this site. I only wish I had found this and realized this message many, many years ago.
It wasn’t until a few years ago when five separate emotionally traumatic experiences happened to me within a six month period, and the Earth shook so hard beneath my feet, I was forced to go within and really get serious about learning what lies beneath the surface, and cleaning out old baggage. I have gained so much understanding, as well as forgiveness and acceptance of myself as a result. None of which I could find prior.
8th May 2009
Thanks for the comment. I’m so glad your increased self-understanding has put you on a better path.
8th May 2009
Hi George
The statement “judging actions instead of intentions” was a huge ah moment for me. My husband is verbally abusive, porn addict, sex addict and continues to secretly take video’s of me naked when I am asleep etc. I get angry when I catch him but he then turns it around and makes out that I not being fair as he is only doing it because he loves my body so much and wants something to look at when I’m not there. It is a long story and all I continue to do is enable him by backing down. I would rather not be with him but we have 3 children together and everytime I have threatened to leave he does start to improve. Been together for 16 years. For the first 14 he was unbearable and I had no voice. Everything was all about him and how unhappy he was because I wasn’t giving him the attention he needs. We had sex 7 to 10 times a week and he would complain all the time that it was not enough. I would just continue to give in just to get a little piece. I woke up one day though and realised he is sexually abusing me and I didn’t want to be with this awful man anymore. I wanted out. That’s when he started to get help because he knew I meant it. I stayed because he did improve, but it is so far from perfect (don’t expect it to be perfect)and I am so angry because it is still all about him and how he has done all the changing and he says when am I going to change.
Thanks for your inlighting words.
8th May 2009
Hi Dr Simon
Can you give some advise on how to be assertive in not accepting bad behaviour, regardless of the intentions. Do you say “I will not accept porn in this house and if I find you looking at internet porn or any type or form of porn I expect you to leave” (he is a porn addict). Should I tell him to leave or should I leave? Does this statement just leave it open for him to do it secretively (which he does anyway). Should the statement be “I do not accept you taking naked video’s of me and if you do not respect my decesion you must leave/we must separate/I will leave”. We have 3 children and I am so tired of my husband’s verbal abuse and I continue to back down and let him get away with stuff.
I so would like to end it. I feel so little for him but he has made some huge improvements.
[Editor's Note: This comment has been edited from its original form.]
8th May 2009
Hi Kerry,
First, thanks for your comments.
With regard to your question regarding the way to go about not accepting bad behavior: You don’t have to broadcast your unwillingness to tolerate misconduct. Often, that’s a manipulative attempt to apply subtle pressure for the other person to change. Change is the individual’s responsibility. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself. So, set your limits and take your own actions quietly but firmly. The “message” you want to send about no longer tolerating misconduct will come through. Actions speak louder than words. : )
8th May 2009
I’ve had years of emotional abuse and reading this article has made me realise that it’s because i don’t know myself. My abuser knows me better than i know myself. He knows how to hurt me, how to make me feel pity for him, how to scare me etc. He’s got me to the point where i don’t know who i am, how i think or how i feel and this has made me miserable for years. how do i start to get to know myself?
9th May 2009
Have you try to build a new self? Yes, it is important to know in deep who you are. But I think a person that had suffered traumatic situations has to almost create a new self, almost like building a new personality. There are basic facts that won’t ever change, but I believe we have the capacity to change, to adapt, to grow stronger and despite the trauma become better women/ men. Unfortunately, I still have the people that hurt me around, and I do feel pity for them, however my new me is stronger and more confident. So keep the good characteristics (what makes you strong) and try to recognize and change what make you weak. At least this has worked for me and good luck! :)
12th May 2009
Thanks George. I get what you are saying and it confirms what I have been slowly but surely doing over the last couple of years, little by little. Thank you for the reassurance.
13th May 2009
I don’t know if I am posting in the right area as I am new to this site or any for that matter. I’m just feeling like I don’t know where to turn or how to understand what has happened. I have lived with my boyfriend w/ my 3 children(he has joint custody of his son) for the past 8 months. I was going through a hard time when I started dating him and needed to move because of my roomate,he asked me to move in with him and it was just supposed to be temporary. He is the first person I have allowed to get close to besides their father and we had all never been happier and he asked us to stay and told me he was in it for the longhaul,he hoped I was too because he loved us too much,there was no backing out but the 1st blowout we had occured on Christmas Eve. He accused me of calling him a liar and told me and my kids to get out. The next day he apologized and begged me to never give up on him and that he loved me more than he has ever loved anyone.
The last episode happened when we went to a concert. On the way to the concert he told me he had never been happier and he had never loved anyone more. Anyway we got seperated at the concert, my phone died and I had to borrow a phone afterwards to call him. He flipped out and called me everyname known to man, it’s been 4 weeks and he has been staying with his mom and tells me he doesn’t love me and wants me and my kids to get out.
He says he is letting the house go into forclusure and he is basically giving away everything he owns and he is blaming me for losing everything when I have contributed my share.
What happened? We were so in love! HELP
[Editor's Note: This comment has been edited slightly from its original form.]
4th June 2009
Hi Amy!
Wow…
He accused me of calling him a liar and told me and my kids to get out. The next day he apologized and begged me to never give up on him and that he loved me more than he has ever loved anyone.
I tend to see that as a red flag of over reacting and not being able to handle his anger within reasonable boundaries.
Wow…
Anyway we got seperated at the concert, my phone died and I had to borrow a phone afterwards to call him. He flipped out and called me everyname known to man, it’s been 4 weeks and he has been staying with his mom and tells me he doesn’t love me and wants me and my kids to get out.
I would tend to think he thinks it was a deliberate action (getting lost from him)at the concert. And he is done! Whether its wrong or right means nothing because his actions definately state its over.
You should get you and your children out as soon as you can and just move on.
Well It’s been over a few weeks since you wrote this…What’s happening now?
Hope that helps you!