Personal Empowerment: Act Now, Before It’s Too Late
When it comes to relationships with aggressive personalities, you can never give the green light to the conductor of a locomotive that has no brakes.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on ways to empower oneself, especially in relationships with disturbed characters. Some of suggestions for setting better “terms of engagement” with those who might otherwise attempt to manipulate or take advantage of you include accepting no excuses; judging actions, not intentions; and staying focused and in the here and now:
- “The Secrets of Personal Empowerment”
- “Empowerment Tools: Judge Actions, Not Intentions”
- “Empowerment Tools: Staying Focused”
The tools of empowerment I’ve been discussing were first outlined in my first book: In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], along with a complete set of general guidelines about how to ensure empowered relationships.
The more aggressive personalities are among the most disturbed in character. It’s in their very nature to fight often and fight hard for the things they want. They can be inordinately intimidating and hard to resist. Empowering oneself in relationships with these types of individuals can be a real challenge, but it can definitely be done, especially if you observe the cardinal empowerment rule of acting quickly whenever they begin using their tactics of manipulation and control.
I’ve written some other posts on the aggressive personalities and their main attributes. (See “Understanding the Aggressive Personalities”.). But one very important thing to remember is that these individuals lack internal “brakes,” and therefore once they “get rolling” it’s hard to put a stop to their behavior. That’s why it’s so important to respond very quickly with appropriate limit-setting to redefine the terms of engagement.
I remember well one couple who came to me for marital counseling. The woman voiced a concern that after her husband had another affair, any sense of trust in their relationship had been eroded. He immediately and forcefully retorted: “Okay, so this is going to be about trashing me and bringing up old news all the time. I thought we were here to get our relationship right. Apparently not…” and went on a long and critical tirade. The woman let him talk for some time and then later, each time she did try and interject a thing or two, he quickly cut her off and had more to say.
As a way of demonstrating the technique of responding quickly and re-establishing the terms of engagement, I asked the woman to sit quietly on the sidelines while I spoke to her husband for a few minutes. When I began to engage him, he made the same forceful attempts to gain the upper hand. The difference was that I was willing to end the interaction immediately upon his first formal attempt to control the process, to suggest he take a time-out in the waiting lounge, and to stop engaging with him at all unless or until he was more willing to engage in an open and equal dialogue. It took several “time-outs” for him to get the message that he wouldn’t even get the chance to assert his point of view or sway my opinion (something that means a whole lot to all aggressive characters) unless he observed my rules of engagement. But he finally got the message, and in time the discussion became more even-sided and civil.
The most important thing to remember is how critical it is to act quickly. Sometimes, we don’t want to appear too demanding or presumptuous. Sometimes, we just want to afford others the courtesy of having their say. But you can never give the green light to the conductor of a locomotive that has no brakes. Once the train is already rolling down the hillside, it has too much momentum built up in even a short time to try and stop it. By the time it’s half-way down the hill, if you try to intervene, you’ll get run over.
We’ve talked about many different tactics disturbed characters use to manipulate and exploit others. Knowing them well and knowing how to respond to each of them better prepares a person to respond more quickly when the tactics are used. Responding quickly and making clear what the terms of engagement will be are key tools of personal empowerment.
5 Responses to “Empowerment Tools: Act Now, Before It’s Too Late”
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I was involved with one of these characters for a little over 3 years. We have a child and he refused to grow up. Your articles helped me unload the dead weight. I still print your articles in case he decides to ever call again, I can better deal with him. Thanks.
I am counting the days to put and end to a relationship with one of this disturbed characters. He thretened me with taking my kids away from me and refuses to move out of my house. Things are kind of tolerable right now b/c we have visitors and he is acting coordially in front of them.I hope this end someday soon. I do print this articles and show them to my visitors, with the hope to plant a seed in their future.
This article is particularly brilliant. Time-outs are exactly what are required. What I don’t understand though, is why anyone would WANT to continue to have any type of relationship with such a person. In the example of the married couple you gave, what is the benefit to her to continue in a marriage with such an unscrupulous, manipulative and disturbed character? Won’t she have to constantly be on guard for his nonsense….forever? Isn’t it healthier to move on once you realize you are dealing with a disturbed character?
Hi Cyndi
I’m sure the good doctor would agree with me that the biggest problem and stumbling block to moving on is having a strategy that works and a plan which protects your future, financially and emotionally.
If you are financially dependant, especially with children, and there is no safety net out there, state, parents, relatives, friends, etc., then the alternative may seem cold, bleak and daunting.
For someone to ‘move on’ they need to either extract themselves in one fell swoop or gradually while the other person fails to notice, and if they do notice before you’ve ‘left home’ then enough collateral elsewhere to make the move without looking back.
The worst part, as has been mentioned elsewhere on this site, is the empty loneliness of having nobody to talk to or interact with and who at least ‘loves you’ part of the time, for what may be a relatively long period, until you sort out your emotions and stand on your feet again as an autonomous, self respecting individual.
I had a aggressive personality in my former workplace, and I came to visualize a sign over his desk reading “Challenge every limit, challenge every right, if people people give an inch, then take a mile”. Literally every day he would be challenging the rights of those around and making endless requests. Its as if a master switch called “Laws of the universe” had been switched off, and all that’s real is what others will tolerate. Thinking about it, in a sense he is right. And I came to see why he did it because sometimes he succeeded, as with junk mail. My take on the respond very quickly advice is that if you don’t, such people will regard the abuse as conquered territory that rightfully belongs to them. It becomes an entitlement in their mind. And as in real war, it then becomes a real battle to reclaim these rights. Responding quickly is great advice.