Rejection
Our sense of rejection tells us that we care about the other person and that we care about some part of ourselves or our activities. The other element I think that contributes to how intensely we feel rejection is how it is done.
Tyron commented on a previous post of mine asking if I would write something on rejection. Here’s what I have to say — I hope it is useful to you.
We don’t like rejection, and yet it can be a bit puzzling why we don’t. To explain why I’m puzzled I’d like to tell a brief story.
Imagine a body-builder walks into the office of a body oriented psychotherapist. The body builder has been working out for years and so has ‘good development’ in the eyes of other body builders (his musculature is well defined and so on). The body oriented psychotherapist tells the body builder that he is ‘armoured’ in the eyes of body oriented psychotherapists (the musculature doesn’t allow free flowing expression of emotion and so on). Would the body builder experience this as a kind of rejection?
If it is experienced as rejection, what is being rejected? The muscular development remains the same before and after the body oriented psychotherapist’s comment. The body builder is still the same person.
If I was to imagine myself as this bodybuilder I would perhaps feel that my whole prior commitment was being questioned. If so, I would experience the body oriented psychotherapist’s comment as a rejection.
Could I imagine not perceiving the comment as a rejection? I think so. I might dismiss the body oriented psychotherapist as not worth listening to — perhaps because he has poor muscular development, for instance.
Why We Feel Rejection
It seems to me that the sting of rejection is in proportion to how much we care about the person rejecting us. Our feeling of rejection shows how much we care about the other person.
I think too that what is being rejected makes a difference. There is a difference between criticising our actions and our selves. Being told we have done a bad job, or even that we have done something bad, is different to being told that we are a bad person.
The intensity of the feeling of rejection depends not only on how much we care about the other person, but also on how much we care about what is being criticised.
If you were to say that a painting I have done is rubbish, I would probably agree with little trouble. (I’m not much good at painting — what happens in layers of paint I find baffling.) To say this to someone who is a painter may be very different. If you were to criticise my writing it may bother me more. We have a sense that some things are more important to us than others.
For many of us our sexuality is very close to our sense of who we are. Rejection of an invitation to go out can be felt very deeply. Rejection of an invitation to collaborate on a work project may be felt less deeply — even though the project may take up much more of our lives than a night out.
Our sense of rejection tells us that we care about the other person and that we care about some part of ourselves or our activities. The other element I think that contributes to how intensely we feel rejection is how it is done. Criticism can be voiced kindly or harshly. Having someone ignore me is different to them engaging in a tirade detailing what they dislike about me. It makes a difference to me if I think someone is being cruel or unfair.
Responding to Rejection
Rejecting the Rejection
With some people or on some things about us this will be easy. You can even have a kind of blanket policy that applies to most people along the lines of, “What you think of me is none of my business”. It is very unlikely that this will apply to everyone in your life.
Learning From It
When the rejection hurts, we have the opportunity to learn about one or more of:
- what I value in the relationship or other person
- what I value about what I do and who I am
- what I value about how people are treated
Dealing With the Feelings
I think it is OK to distract yourself with stuff while you calm down and allow a little time to pass (others disagree with me of course).
It’s OK to indulge yourself when you are hurt. Do nice stuff. You don’t have to hurt yourself because someone else hurt you.
It helps me enormously to have people to talk to. It is better if they know me well and care for me deeply. Sometimes they just listen. Sometimes they tell me that the rejection or criticism was mistaken. Sometimes they support me in changes I want to make.
Dealing with the feelings may be necessary to have the space to learn from the rejection.
I hope this exploration of rejection is helpful. I’d like to hear about your experience. What kind of rejection do you feel most keenly, and how do you respond to it?
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Tuesday, 21st April 2009.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/04/21/rejection/
22nd April 2009
Rejection as being misunderstood. How can a nice evening be ruined so quickly by having to say no to someones expectation/offer of sex.
Am I doomed to the single life?
If I accept a date with someone, and am rejected because I won’t put out after being treated for dinner, yes, even on the first date,(after all he did pay for it)I still won’t change my philosophy on dating and getting to know men, no matter how they twist and turn the equation in conversations. The reason I never hear from any of these guys is that if I won’t give it to them, they will find it somewhere else. Why should they care how I would feel?
Frankly it’s my business and I have my own reasons, yet I still feel hurt when rejected.
Short of wearing a neon sign on my back, do you have any suggestions for approaching the subject before it arises?(no pun intended)
Suggestions please, and thank you.
22nd April 2009
Hi Mia,
My suggestions may not be terribly helpful. I’ve never played the dating game really – I was lucky enough to connect with partners who were involved in the same interests as I.
Have you tried different strategies for finding dates? Have you discussed this with your women friends? Have you tried different times – a date over lunch or breakfast so that you have somewhere to go to next?
Sorry I can’t be more help. Perhaps other commenters will have better ideas.
23rd April 2009
Hello Mia,
I think Evan is right… it’s about doing lunch/coffee etc and then seeing what happens. And meeting people through interests. If someone expects that getting you dinner means you should go to bed with them, they are not worth having, but if you for a lunch date or walk you can suss out what they are like
Out of interest, are you doing online dating? I didn’t enjoy that, I kept thinking “what is wrong with me, everyone else seems to like it”. I get a bit socially anxious as it is and found it a bit forced, and it was difficult to get a handle on what the other person could be like.
Now, I find it’s the strangest places I could meet people. I really enjoy going to the steam and sauna rooms at my local swimming baths, and it’s a good non-pressurised way to chat to people, and you get to know their views and see how they inter-act with others. I do spend a bit of time online because of my work and study so think I need to broaden my horizons and get out more to meet someone at a later date, am considering going back to martial arts.
Good luck with it.
26th April 2009
Hi Mia,
In the specific case you mention, I’d say rejection is not a “bad thing”. If you meet someone who does not share your same values or respect your needs, or your viewpoint, then rejection can be a good way to sort people and weed the non-matching partners out of your life before you engage in a relationship and your feelings get hurt afterwards.
I found that being rejected can be a relief, especially when you are prone to meet clingy people and you have to reject them yourself so they can detach. It’s “less work” to receive a no for an answer than saying no to someone else yourself.
Now, about rejection itself, nobody likes it because we are gregarious people, we like to be accepted, we like to be valued, we like to share our lives with our peers, etc. So rejection also embodies the denial of all the things I mentioned above, and that is not a nice feeling.
But, in other cases, rejection might even be “convenient.” If we are turned down for a job position (maybe that job wasn’t the right job for us), or if our application to college gets rejected (maybe that wasn’t the right school for us)… or maybe it just means we need to check what is we need to work on or change so that – next time – we don’t get rejected.
Personally, (and bear in mind I’m very old) I don’t sleep right away with a “date” because I really like to get to know the other person better. And also, because of Aids and other VDs, etc. So, if my date respects that, then we might be on the right path or on the same page, time will tell. Otherwise, he is not the right person for me and I am not the right person for him, so we part in good terms, thanks for the dinner and that’s it, no hard feelings, we all have the right to choose. I choose not to sleep right away, others don’t- simple as that :)
22nd April 2009
I’ve had a couple of rejections recently, one, was because I set boundaries with a partner, he couldn’t accept them so ended it. That did really hurt, as initially I felt he was “rejecting me” and couldn’t care enough about me as a person, but, I’m dealing with it as I know it’s more about him. At one time, I couldn’t bear rejection in that situation, but I’ve realised now rejection in those situations doesn’t kill you, it’s often not about you a person.
At the moment, I really want to apply for a masters in creative writing, but I’ll be judged on a sample of my work on whether I can get in. I’ve been putting it off for ages, as if I do get rejected then it’ll be on something that *really* matters to me. My writing is something that’s intrinsic to me as a person, and it’s very important. If I do get rejected I’ll let you know how I don’t deal with it! I was putting it off but realised I’ll have to face up to it, being rejected is part of life, just needs rationalising minus the emotion at a later date.
23rd April 2009
Thanks Ellie. I’ve always thought that choosing the good people is a cop out from those who are meant to be teachers.
I hope you get in to the masters. And I hope you manage to produce work that you love and others do too.
I look forward to hearing how you do.
23rd April 2009
I think that really awful feeling of rejection in the gut comes when you feel that someone not accepting one part of you or what you have to offer means that you, as a whole person are “all wrong” or worthless. That you shouldn’t exist.
This can either make total, if awful, sense to you, or make you feel helpless, angry, etc. I think when this happens it is often to do with early experiences of being accepted and welcomed, or rejected, on a kind of deep basic level that can be felt by a child.
23rd April 2009
Thanks Sarah, for me at least, when I have that really awful feeling of rejection I usually feel younger than my chronological age. Usually pre-adolescent for me.
12th May 2009
For me, rejection is hardest and felt most personally when I have really gone beyond my normal limits (of caring, understanding or trying to, gone the extra mile, or some other way have invested emotional of myself. And usually, when the rejection hurts, I find it is because I expected something in return…like consideration, effort, regard, etc.
The hardest lesson for me to keep in mind is to stay away from self-seeking when I give of myself. But hey, I’m human and I have hopes and develop dreams.. And letting them go, hurts. It’s hard not to take it as a rejection of me personally, but it isn’t.
17th May 2009
your reply was the closest to the way i feel about rejection. What do you mean though by not self-seek by not give it to yourself?
12th May 2009
Hi Kelly, I too find this a very hard lesson. Thanks for your comment.
12th October 2009
Doc.. i fell for this guy, and we were doing well so i thought but then he turned around and told me that he does not click with me anymore, that he will not break his current girlfriends heart. so we must go our seperate ways. he rejected me period. im hurting and i just dont know how to deal with this at present. help please.