Comments on: Empowerment Tools: Make Direct Requests, Expect Direct Responses

By: Ken Sack

Ken Sack — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 18:15:38 +0000

I strongly recommend that you read the book on assertiveness called “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Dr. Manuel J. Smith. I read It many years ago and found it very helpful. It doesn’t surprise me that over 2 million copies have been sold. In my opinion its the best book on the topic.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:34:16 +0000

Hi, Judy. I’m so glad you had the courage to make this comment. What a testimonial to yourself as well as the principle I was trying to illustrate! This is definitely one for the archives. You defined the dilemma many have experienced with such eloquence. As for needing someone to teach and counsel you, I think you’ve “gotten it” with respect to the principles at stake. What you need now is PRACTICE. : )

By: Judy

Judy — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:15:56 +0000

I have sabotaged myself in communication many times, both at work and in my personal life. When I read this article and got to the point about “walking on eggshells” I literally said outloud to the silence of the room, Yes, that’s me!” I always worry about hurting someone else’s feelings and I forget that my feelings count too. My feelings are important.
So before I read this article, I tried something new in dealing with a particularly close friend. I asked a direct question, actually a series of simple, direct questions. From a couple of neutral (related topic) non- challenging questions to the climax of the big question. He looked straight at me and gave me a direct answer. It was such a relief to be able to ask a pointed question like that! To get the answer was great! So many of my young years, I was conditioned by a very authoritarian father to not ask questions, “don’t shake my authority.”
It was his way or else. No question about it. I have carried that fear of saying what I want, need, and expect into my romantic relationships in adulthood.
In my work, I have often been far too apologetic to a supervisor, when the other person was the real problem…(not just with me, but many coworkers had issues with her also), and I inadvertently led her to believe that she did nothing wrong, when my reactions to her were basicly self-survival. This person is not a good supervisor, much like my father was, authoritarian, “I am the boss and you listen to me” attitude, and I have a tendency to crumble under that and become far too submissive out of fear. No one should allow oneself to do that!
My bachelor’s degree is in social work and I am an accredited teacher in the state of Florida, and yet when it comes to speaking up for myself, I need someone to teach me and counsel me.

By: Mariana

Mariana — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:47:53 +0000

Hi Daniela,

In my personal opinion, I think you should quit any kind of contact with him, unless you want to keep involved with him somehow, which I believe you don’t.

To me, weeding someone out of your life means exactly that. No more contact or relationship of any kind. Free yourself from someone who is toxic. You can do yourself a favor because he won’t do anything to get out of your life.

ALl the best.

By: Daniela

Daniela — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 02:29:17 +0000

Uffff, finally I think that he use all his weapons of manipulation, an he ended telling me that I’m his real love, but in his dream world, because he told me that he lives in 2 worlds, the real one, were I have my relation with my boyfriend, and the other world were he dreams with me. The strangest thing, is that he didn’t talk to me for years, and he also avoid me, when I was suffering, but about 1 month ago, he asked me for a favor and I did it, so because of that beautiful thing yhat I made for him, he know is “lost in love”, is real sick, and I didnt know that he is borderline, I just knew it reading this posts!!!!!
Now I’m really afraid, I told him about his borderline personality, he laugh and promises me that he wonÂ´t do anything to hurt or damage my relation, should I believe that???? Can I have peace??

By: Lunna

Lunna — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 23:35:54 +0000

It sounds like you are in a smiliar position than me. My advice, whatever happens dont make much sense to go back with a person that do not appreciate you. I will be weeding off a person forever out of my life and I hope that you can do the same. I will let you know! ;)

By: Mariana

Mariana — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 15:44:43 +0000

Hola Daniela, and hi fromt he other side of the Andes, I’m in Argentina :)

I have a question for you, do you actually “have to” meet him? Any chance that you ignore that person? Controlling people usually resort to whatever it taks to keep in touch. And maybe he just doesn’t care much about what you have to say, even if you simply tell him, I don’t want you in my life anymore.

You can choose, don’t feel forced to meet him or do whatever he proposes to do. Remember you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t “have to” do things because you feel it’s your duty, etc. Love yourself first, protect yourself first.

By: Daniela

Daniela — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 14:54:38 +0000

Hello, first of all, IÂ´m chilean, so probably I’ll make lot of mistakes writing, but this web is really a great help for people which deals with disordered people. I want to ask you some advice since I had a very Tortuous relationship, about 3 years ago, were I came out really bad. I didn’t know that this guy was borderline. Now I’m with a great person and this borderline appears from nowhere after many years of been ignoring me, and I’m afraid that he can do something to break my actual relation. I have to meet him tomorrow to tell him that I don’t want him un my life, but I don’t know how to do it well.

Well, whatever it happens, I will tell you here.
I hope that I coul made myself clear in english, than you very much for this page, it is really helpful.

By: Mary

Mary — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 17:52:21 +0000

One of the people I have the most trouble with, is my youngest daughter who is emotionally estranged from me. Her father killed himself many years ago after physically abusing me and my ultimately leaving him. She was merely 5 at the time. He worked at alienating her from me until he died, and those bounds he implanted have stuck fast.

Consequently, my youngest daughter and I only speak on the phone and only when she deems it ok to answer the phone. I practice just letting her know I am available when she is ready, and only phone her once a month or so…any more and she would never pick up the phone. Regardless, our conversations are very one sided and she uses them to attack me.

What concerns me the most, is this daughter married a man 6 years older than herself. He took her inheritance she received the day they married (they eloped on her 18th birthday) and spent it on “toys” for himself including a new truck and motorcycle he put in his fathers name. He has been horribly abusive verbally to her in my presence and I worry she has no resources. Living with abuse with my children has in turn set them up for abuse and taught them how to be abusive too. That is entirely my own fault. How can I help her?

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 13:46:21 +0000

Mary, you have eloquently defined the problem many experience but you have perhaps unwittingly also hinted at the solution. The “fear” of confrontation develops not because you are inherently emotionally weaker, but because every single time you “run” from even the lesser confrontations, you “reinforce” the notion that you’re not capable of holding your own ground. Besides, if it appears to the other fighter that you’re not caving in readily, they’re likely to draw upon their arsenal of other tactics and start firing away. In order to build the confidence and presence of mind necessary, you have to limit your time on the field of contest. Don’t “run” from the confrontation necessary, just take time out. And keep focused on one issue at a time and deal with one tactic at a time. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed. In time, you’ll find out how much confrontation you can really handle and it will likely surprise you. :)