Comments on: Seduction as a Manipulation Tactic

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:01:15 +0000

Manipulators retain power until you restore “leverage” by re-setting all the rules and taking away their “ammunition.” Unfortunately, “disarming” a manipulator sometimes means coming completely clean and removing the “threat” of future “exposure.” If you want your life back you’ll first have to re-claim the agenda, then fight for the things you value.

By: wilma

wilma — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 13:10:38 +0000

I feel i was manipulated into an affair with another man and now i am trying to rekindle my marriage but the other man is threatening to do things like contact my husbands family with racey photos of me, and emails i sent to him about us and things. hes a coworker and hes threatening that if i dont quit my job he will do these things. what do i do? all i want is my marriage back….

By: Ken Sack

Ken Sack — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:51:21 +0000

“Playing to the desire of another to be valued and liked can be a powerful manipulation tool.”
I constantly carter to peoples desire to be valued and liked by being a good listener, treating people respectfully, complementing people, encouraging people, giving advice when appropriate etc. I do it in the context of the trading principle, i.e. I satisfy some of their emotional needs, give them some narcissistic supply, and they give me fair value in return. Non of the posts seem to acknowledge this. And isn’t it part of the courting ritual that the man makes the woman feel special?

By: Cyndi

Cyndi — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:36:34 +0000

Is it safe to say that a situation in which a married man seduces a much younger (and naive) woman into believing that he loves her and is going to leave his wife, and then five years later is still making excuses (to both women), is along the lines of what you are talking about here?

By: Karen

Karen — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 17:32:01 +0000

“They (disturbed characters) are very aware of the kinds of things that most people regard as things to feel guilty or shameful about. The problem is that when they do such things, they feel neither shameful nor guilty. In fact, they persist in their behavior, actively resisting any submission to the standards with which they try to brow-beat others.”

Hi Tom,
thanks for your comment. I looked up the above in the article about shame and guilt. This is him to a T. I appreciate you helping me to look at this from another angle. You are right, unless I see what is really going on I can’t dismiss it. This has been my goal for the past year. As much as I am tempted to give in yet again, I want to be free much more.

By: TomR

TomR — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 16:31:49 +0000

Hi Karen,

To me, that sounds like the tactic of toxic Shaming. Whenever you’re being compared to some made-up standard, he’s implying that there’s something wrong with you.

I keep track of the difference between shaming and guilt-tripping this way:

Shaming is about your being. Guilt-tripping is about your behavior. Shaming creates the feeling that “there’s something wrong with me” while guilt-tripping creates the feeling that “I must have done something wrong.”

By recognizing it as a manipulation tactic, you create a choice for yourself and you can decide “I’m not going to fall for it because I see what that person is really doing.”

- Tom

By: Mariana

Mariana — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 23:27:37 +0000

Hi Barbara,

Reading my own comment, I see I failed to get my point across. The “tame” example I provided, actually aimed to help people see how that technique works in a very simple environment. And I did understand what Dr. Simon was talking about, too. But, yes, my comment seems to be an “out of the blue” one.

In my opinion, I believe that if we can practice “spotting” that kind of behavior in our daily encounters with “harmless” operators, then we can train ourselves into the habit of understanding and recognizing that kind of seductive behavior before it’s too late.

Some people just go by in life wondering why certain things happen to them. I personally believe that if they get basic information and some very silly or common examples, then they can start to understand how these manipulators use these techniques to control others, for instance.

Of course, I might be totally wrong and practicing with every day situations where we are fooled, might be a complete waste of time.

It did work well for me, however, to pay close attention to what others do and say – in simple harmless and daily activities. At least, I learnt to read between the lines and now I am able to play on the safe side.

I am not suggesting everyone should go paranoid, but a healthy dose of skepticism won’t hurt.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:14:55 +0000

Thanks for your comment, Barbara. You indeed have the situation assessed correctly. There are many different levels of character disturbance and the tactics of manipulation and control. Some levels are relatively benign. Others wreck havoc in a person’s life. I’m glad you have found the descriptions I’ve offered helpful.

By: Karen

Karen — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 19:44:49 +0000

This is very familiar for me in my relationship. It’s the “carrot” that is always being dangled in front of me and that if “I were only a patient person, I could get what I am asking for and wanting from my dh”. The carrot is never there at the end and then it becomes too late. For which the reply is always, “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t do it then, but I really wanted to” blah blah blah.

At the same time, impression management is going on and people feel sorry for him that he is so sorry now and has so many regrets, but look at how much he loves his wife… blah blah blah.

I’ve learned through you, Dr. Simon, to never trust the seduction of the words. Thank you for always making me look for the actions.

By: grace

grace — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:42:40 +0000

“Next weâ€™ll begin a new series on the tools people need to employ not only to be impervious to such ploys but also to generally empower themselves in relationships with others and avoid victimization by disordered characters.”

This has been a like altering series for me, especially the validation concerning my constant state of confusion as to behaviors that are so foreign to me. I often feel quite defenseless in that i do not catch it instinctually and I feel overwhelmed in how to respond. I am very much looking forward to your newest series.

I am especially interested in something my therapist said to me, that each individuals behavior is influenced by what he calls “the family conscience”. After 28 years of marriage I find myself in a divorce I did not want, my family torn apart, my PHD husband has just remarried his former post doctoral fellow, and his family is collectively engaging in many of those behaviors he has engaged in over the years; that you have presented in this series.

Most painful for me, is the sudden family consensus that I am just like his emotionally abusive and manipulative mother, who in my eyes was evil personified. I am not. I know that. Yet even our own adult son seems to accept (not believe) his father’s distortions of me. And so many others believe some version of his distortions. I feel so minimized and invisible, which I am guessing has been his intention all along. But why? And now what? I was a good wife and I am a good mother/grandmother. I have always been a good sister-in-law and friend and a good aunt. I was holding his father’s hand when he died. I am hoping you will extend and correlate your advise with the behaviors of immediate and extended family and friends in your next series.

Many Thanks.