Seduction as a Manipulation Tactic: Playing On Your Need to be Valued
Playing to the desire of another to be valued and liked can be a powerful manipulation tool.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on behaviors which persons with disturbed characters frequently display that not only prevent them from developing a good sense of social responsibility but also frequently serve as tactics to manipulate and impression-manage others. Some of the behaviors we’ve looked at include rationalization, blaming others, blaming and vilifying the victim, minimization, shaming and guilt-tripping, and overt and covert intimidation:
- “Understanding Rationalization: Making Excuses as an Effective Manipulation Tactic”
- “Playing the Blame Game as a Manipulation Tactic”
- “Vilifying the Victim”
- “Minimization: Trivializing Behavior as a Manipulation Tactic”
- “Manipulation via Shaming and Guilt-Tripping: Using the Conscience of the Neurotic against Them”
- “Manipulation via Overt or Covert Intimidation”
Perhaps one of the most insidious ways to favorably manage the impression of others while simultaneously trying to get something you want from them is seduction. Now, most of us are vulnerable to seduction techniques. That’s because most of us want to be liked and valued. So, when someone shows us attention or behaves toward us in a way that invites us to feel somewhat special, we almost never think that they’re doing so because there’s something they want. Rather, we’d like to think there’s something really remarkable about us that is motivating the person to behave that way.
One of the most damaging legacies of traditional psychology is the over-weighting it gives to people’s insecurities and fears and the relatively complete inattention it gives to the myriad ways that they fight and maneuver for the things they want. Everyday life is approximately 95% fighting and 5% running. But traditional psychology is overly concerned about how and why we run, not how and why we fight. By “fight” I don’t mean physical violence. Rather, I mean the forceful goal-directed energy we all expend to get the things we want.
Responsible people assert themselves and fight for the things they want in direct, fair, restrained, and non-destructive ways. Disordered characters lie, cheat, and sometimes “shmooze” to get what they want. They don’t like to be denied, so rather than approach things directly and run the risk of not winning, they’d prefer to approach things on the sly and catch the other unaware. Playing to the desire of another to be valued and liked can be a powerful manipulation tool. Most of the time, this is not done with malicious intent or with such intensity that it does any real damage. Also, most of the time, the person on the receiving end is aware enough to know that they’re being buttered-up and will enjoy the flattery while not taking it so seriously. But sometimes, seduction can be very deliberate, calculated, and carried out in such a manner that the other person is swept away. Then they can become quite blinded about the nature of the person doing the seducing. Only after the manipulator gets what he or she wants will their true character start to show. By then, it’s often too late.
One of the most fundamental and life-empowering principles I introduced in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] is that once people replace the destructive legacy of traditional psychology — i.e., that everyone is almost always struggling with fears or insecurities — with a mindset that life is far more about people maneuvering and angling for the things they want than it is about them “running,” and once they realize that there’s a class of individuals best characterized as unscrupulous and exploitive fighters who will advance their own agendas with almost complete disregard for the needs of others, they arrive at a position to avoid being taken advantage of in the future.
This post marks the end of the series on manipulation, impression-management, and responsibility resistance behaviors. Next we’ll begin a new series on the tools people need to employ not only to be impervious to such ploys but also to generally empower themselves in relationships with others and avoid victimization by disordered characters.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Monday, 13th April 2009. You can leave a reply below.
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http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/04/13/seduction-as-manipulation-tactic/
13th April 2009
I think we can see this too in some every day life situations such as when we want to buy something and are not quite sure about it. The salesperson will try to seduce us or lure us into buying that thing anyway. Now, if we are pretty confident it’s highly unlikely that we’ll end up buying something we are not sure (still) if we want to hget it or not.
I have seen this manipulation technique in many car dealer salesmen. They’d ask you how much are you willing to spend on a car, then they’d show you a very cheap car (in every sense of the word cheap) and tell you that’s what you can get for that money, and then they would proceed to seduce you by patting your back and saying something like, “You deserve a lot better. You deserver a much better car, something that will fit your *wonderful and classy* image”… They may add “But, I’m afraid it’s too expensive for you” (so you will want it now) The unaware (and probably low-esteem) client, will end up buying whatever the salesman will show him, only because that salesperson has been “nice” to them.
Some unscrupulous writers, for instance, usually write books on wishful thinking promising people they will able to get whatever they want in life, just because they are “perfect creations of God or the Universe,” etc. These kind of writers are, actually, paying subtle compliments to their readership and committing them to buy their book or dvd, such is the case of the well-known product “The Secret.” It aims to people who have certain needs and it works based on their needs.
I guess these kind of manipulators use an approach that fits the “Flattery will get you everywhere.” I believe these people play with other people’s needs and lack of self-confidence.
15th April 2009
Hi Barbara,
Reading my own comment, I see I failed to get my point across. The “tame” example I provided, actually aimed to help people see how that technique works in a very simple environment. And I did understand what Dr. Simon was talking about, too. But, yes, my comment seems to be an “out of the blue” one.
In my opinion, I believe that if we can practice “spotting” that kind of behavior in our daily encounters with “harmless” operators, then we can train ourselves into the habit of understanding and recognizing that kind of seductive behavior before it’s too late.
Some people just go by in life wondering why certain things happen to them. I personally believe that if they get basic information and some very silly or common examples, then they can start to understand how these manipulators use these techniques to control others, for instance.
Of course, I might be totally wrong and practicing with every day situations where we are fooled, might be a complete waste of time.
It did work well for me, however, to pay close attention to what others do and say – in simple harmless and daily activities. At least, I learnt to read between the lines and now I am able to play on the safe side.
I am not suggesting everyone should go paranoid, but a healthy dose of skepticism won’t hurt.
13th April 2009
Dr Simon
Having been a victim of this type of manipulation, I don’t think until one is in these shoes or you as a physician observes and treats a person having been a victim, they can know and understand how damaging this situation can be.
Mariana talks about salespeople selling you things you don’t want, maybe can’t afford. And yes, those things are annoying. They are also easier to spot and are not in most cases life changing or life challenging events.
I think what you are referring to Dr Simon, are much more serious in nature, truly dangerous people manipulating others at core levels and victims experience long recovery from these situations. I just wanted to acknowledge that, yes, we’ve all been taken in by a good salesperson and felt foolish. But not to the extent and detriment these disturbed characters you describe. It is totally different based on my own experience and continuing recovery.
15th April 2009
Thanks for your comment, Barbara. You indeed have the situation assessed correctly. There are many different levels of character disturbance and the tactics of manipulation and control. Some levels are relatively benign. Others wreck havoc in a person’s life. I’m glad you have found the descriptions I’ve offered helpful.
13th April 2009
This has been a great series, Dr. Simon, and I am looking forward to the companion series that will follow it!
13th April 2009
“Next we’ll begin a new series on the tools people need to employ not only to be impervious to such ploys but also to generally empower themselves in relationships with others and avoid victimization by disordered characters.”
This has been a like altering series for me, especially the validation concerning my constant state of confusion as to behaviors that are so foreign to me. I often feel quite defenseless in that i do not catch it instinctually and I feel overwhelmed in how to respond. I am very much looking forward to your newest series.
I am especially interested in something my therapist said to me, that each individuals behavior is influenced by what he calls “the family conscience”. After 28 years of marriage I find myself in a divorce I did not want, my family torn apart, my PHD husband has just remarried his former post doctoral fellow, and his family is collectively engaging in many of those behaviors he has engaged in over the years; that you have presented in this series.
Most painful for me, is the sudden family consensus that I am just like his emotionally abusive and manipulative mother, who in my eyes was evil personified. I am not. I know that. Yet even our own adult son seems to accept (not believe) his father’s distortions of me. And so many others believe some version of his distortions. I feel so minimized and invisible, which I am guessing has been his intention all along. But why? And now what? I was a good wife and I am a good mother/grandmother. I have always been a good sister-in-law and friend and a good aunt. I was holding his father’s hand when he died. I am hoping you will extend and correlate your advise with the behaviors of immediate and extended family and friends in your next series.
Many Thanks.
13th April 2009
This is very familiar for me in my relationship. It’s the “carrot” that is always being dangled in front of me and that if “I were only a patient person, I could get what I am asking for and wanting from my dh”. The carrot is never there at the end and then it becomes too late. For which the reply is always, “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t do it then, but I really wanted to” blah blah blah.
At the same time, impression management is going on and people feel sorry for him that he is so sorry now and has so many regrets, but look at how much he loves his wife… blah blah blah.
I’ve learned through you, Dr. Simon, to never trust the seduction of the words. Thank you for always making me look for the actions.
18th April 2009
Hi Karen,
To me, that sounds like the tactic of toxic Shaming. Whenever you’re being compared to some made-up standard, he’s implying that there’s something wrong with you.
I keep track of the difference between shaming and guilt-tripping this way:
Shaming is about your being. Guilt-tripping is about your behavior. Shaming creates the feeling that “there’s something wrong with me” while guilt-tripping creates the feeling that “I must have done something wrong.”
By recognizing it as a manipulation tactic, you create a choice for yourself and you can decide “I’m not going to fall for it because I see what that person is really doing.”
- Tom
18th April 2009
“They (disturbed characters) are very aware of the kinds of things that most people regard as things to feel guilty or shameful about. The problem is that when they do such things, they feel neither shameful nor guilty. In fact, they persist in their behavior, actively resisting any submission to the standards with which they try to brow-beat others.”
Hi Tom,
thanks for your comment. I looked up the above in the article about shame and guilt. This is him to a T. I appreciate you helping me to look at this from another angle. You are right, unless I see what is really going on I can’t dismiss it. This has been my goal for the past year. As much as I am tempted to give in yet again, I want to be free much more.
12th May 2009
Is it safe to say that a situation in which a married man seduces a much younger (and naive) woman into believing that he loves her and is going to leave his wife, and then five years later is still making excuses (to both women), is along the lines of what you are talking about here?
31st July 2009
“Playing to the desire of another to be valued and liked can be a powerful manipulation tool.”
I constantly carter to peoples desire to be valued and liked by being a good listener, treating people respectfully, complementing people, encouraging people, giving advice when appropriate etc. I do it in the context of the trading principle, i.e. I satisfy some of their emotional needs, give them some narcissistic supply, and they give me fair value in return. Non of the posts seem to acknowledge this. And isn’t it part of the courting ritual that the man makes the woman feel special?
4th October 2009
I feel i was manipulated into an affair with another man and now i am trying to rekindle my marriage but the other man is threatening to do things like contact my husbands family with racey photos of me, and emails i sent to him about us and things. hes a coworker and hes threatening that if i dont quit my job he will do these things. what do i do? all i want is my marriage back….
5th October 2009
Manipulators retain power until you restore “leverage” by re-setting all the rules and taking away their “ammunition.” Unfortunately, “disarming” a manipulator sometimes means coming completely clean and removing the “threat” of future “exposure.” If you want your life back you’ll first have to re-claim the agenda, then fight for the things you value.