Throwing Others on the Defensive: Manipulation via Overt or Covert Intimidation
Overt and covert intimidation become more effective when the manipulator is skilled in communicating emotional tenacity, determination, and resolve, sending the message that the other party is no match in a contest with them.
We’re nearing the end of a series of posts on behaviors disturbed characters commonly display that both impair their ability to internalize pro-social values and also frequently serve as tactics to manipulate and impression-manage others. We’ve discussed such tactics as guilt-tripping and shaming, externalizing the blame, rationalization, minimization, and feigning ignorance:
- “Manipulation via Shaming and Guilt-Tripping: Using the Conscience of the Neurotic against Them”
- “Playing the Blame Game as a Manipulation Tactic”
- “Understanding Rationalization: Making Excuses as an Effective Manipulation Tactic”
- “Minimization: Trivializing Behavior as a Manipulation Tactic”
- “Acting Innocent and “Playing Dumb” as Manipulation Tactics”
While I’ve presented several of the major tactics disturbed characters use, the list is by no means exhaustive. In my book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I note that disturbed characters have generally acquired a vast repertoire of techniques that they can use to resist accountability and manipulate others. Tactics can also be fired off so quickly that they’re hard to identify and separate, and some slick maneuvers can utilize several tactics at once.
One of the things I emphasize in my writings is that all of the tactics have the power to be effective because they conceal clearly obvious aggressive or exploitive intent while simultaneously putting the other person unconsciously on the defensive. No tactic works better at putting others on the defensive than the tactic of intimidation, which can be overt or covert.
Overt intimidation occurs when the disordered character engages in deliberate, intense confrontation designed to challenge your legitimacy or validity, or the value of your complaint or issue. In its extreme it can amount to bullying. Most of the time, it’s a matter of “posturing.” Because “neurotic” individuals tend to be somewhat self-doubting and uncomfortable with assertion, it often doesn’t take much in the way of such posturing to get them to back down. I remember a student who had to confront a teacher about having been promised a review of his grades which had not been done and the teacher forcefully retorted: “Are you calling me a liar?!” Not wanting to be seen as “challenging” of authority himself, he quickly backed off and lost sight of his legitimate issue.
Covert intimidation is more subtle. Sometimes, all it takes is a particular facial expression, non-verbal gesture, glance, glare, stare, or shrug. Sometimes the manipulator will send a carefully veiled “Now there’ll be some hell to pay!” message without making any direct threat of any kind. I’ve encountered countless situations in divorce actions where one party says something like “I know you’ll cooperate because I know how badly you want to have contact with your child” — which is often a not-so-subtly veiled threat to seek full custody and limited visitation if one party doesn’t cave in to everything the other party wants.
Both overt and covert intimidation become more effective when the manipulator is skilled in communicating emotional tenacity, determination, and resolve, sending the message that the other party is no match in a contest with them. If the other party is in any way unsure, ambivalent, mistrusting of themselves, or squeamish when it comes to going head-to-head with the aggressor, they’re bound to be defeated.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Monday, 6th April 2009.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/04/06/manipulation-via-intimidation/
6th April 2009
This reminds me of what some people in my country call the “Italian approach to dealing with issues” (meaning, issues people don’t want to face or discuss in adult way, and would rather avoid.) It also has to do with the use of fallacies to distract others from the main issue. When you mentioned the case of the student who wanted to have his grades review, for instance, and the teacher asked if he was calling her a liar. She used a false argument, and a pretty much bullying one, to distract the student from the main issue and intimdate him at the same time. And this seems to be pretty common. Some people tend to avoid dealing with certain issues by distracting and intimidating others. The bullying tactic or Italian approach, like we call it here (and no offense to Italians, please) is something like “You better shut up or else.”
Actually, from the mid 1970’s till the beginning of the 1980’s, we had to endure a tough military dictatorship in Argentina. It is known as the dirty war because many people were abducted, tortured and vanished, and the government’s motto was “Silence is health”… scary, really scary. The underlying message, of course, was “dare to say a word and you’ll see.”
Even today, there are still countries who live under regimens like this. And, within the social spheres, we can find this kind of manipulators at work, school, a sports team, etc. They aim to control through fear.
Fear them not, bullies use intimidation because if they were to discuss things rationally, they’d lose.
7th April 2009
This article reminds me of a conversation I just tried to have with my partner this weekend. There was no way I could have established a rational conversation b/c he used several manipulation tactics to have ” shot my mouth”… from the -”nobody sees my sacrifices”, to bringing things that happened 10 yrs ago, to -” you are the one who has been manipulating me for the past 3 months by staying at home.†Among other arguments that had nothing to do with the issue on the table, which is the aggressive way he discipline our son and the fact that I won’t give him any more chances. These types of people can put a mask to hide their true self, which is what makes me mad…the level of hypocrisy.On top of that, they make you doubt of your skills/motive as mother and human being. This weekend he placed my son in a pedestal in front of others, when that is not the way he treats him. It drives me crazy.
7th April 2009
After many years of intimidation by dh, I can now call it as I see it with the truthful statement, “Are you threatening me?”
In which he either says no and changes his tactic or just changes his tactic like it never happened. He still believes he can manipulate me and he is clever enough to find a way around anything but I can see that it is getting harder for him to think of ways
7th April 2009
I hear you, Lunna, hypocrisy and I don’t make good friends at all. I have issues with that kind of people, they sure know how to show an amicable side while concealing their true nature and intentions on the other hand.
10th April 2009
I just recently got rid of the “loser” (see loser Rx) I was with, for over 2 years, after it got physical for the last time. I am really in bad shape: no confidence anymore, self hate, over emotional, sad and depressed…..etc. I really want to get over all of this but I can’t seem to put down the bottle, it takes my mind off the pain. Then I feel worse the next day bc I cant get my life back on track or even motivated. Things were going great for me before we moved in together. I started a new career, was making more money than ever, living pretty depression free. Before the career change I battled depression for years about my sexuality which I finally accepted and worked of the depression. My self-esteem was through the roof. Now everything I worked so hard for is gone, everything! How do I get back on my feet? Rebuild my esteem and confidence. I noticed that my ability to communicate with people has diminished in the fact that I am so angry I go from 0 to pissed in a blink. This is typically not how I would react. Is it because I am so sensitive still from the manipulation and control or is that a defense mechanism I created subconsciously to deal with the insecurities caused from the damaging relationship. I can’t afford counseling and I live in a rural community. Help me see my way around this clearly and effectively, please.
10th April 2009
Robbie:
AA Meetings are free, can you find one? If not, how about talking to someone at a church? A close friend or family member? A free clinic and/or some sort of aid to get you professional help?
You’ve taken the first step in removing yourself from the abusive situation. That’s a huge and courageous step! Now you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim and take control of your life and health. You are not helpless or hopeless. You have the power to get your life back on track.
10th April 2009
This one actually made me feel like I was having flashbacks. This is the worst one for me, and was the most difficult for me to see. I always walked away from these types of encounters truly believing that I was the one who had done or said something wrong. It’s an extremely powerful, confusing and insidious tactic.
10th April 2009
Thanks for your encouragement and support Cyndi. Thanks Dr. Mulhauser and others for all of the knowledge and insight you have placed on this page. This information has really helped me identify the tactics and thought processes behind the abuser. It will surely help me to recover emotionally and give me foresight in future relationships. Thanks so much.