Playing the Servant Role: Manipulating by Casting the Will to Dominate as Duty or Subservience
One of the more subtle ways that a person hell-bent upon power and control can veil their will to dominate is to cloak it under the cover of subservience to a higher cause or the purported desire to be of service.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on behaviors that persons with significant disturbances of character frequently display. When disordered characters habitually engage in these behaviors, they interfere with the normal socialization process, preventing the disturbed character from internalizing pro-social values and standards of conduct and reinforcing maladaptive coping patterns. Such behaviors also have a powerful capacity to manipulate and impression-manage others, thus making them behaviors disturbed characters are unwilling to give up easily. Some of the behaviors we’ve discussed already include feigning innocence and ignorance, rationalization, blaming others, and lying:
- “Acting Innocent and “Playing Dumb” as Manipulation Tactics”
- “Understanding Rationalization: Making Excuses as an Effective Manipulation Tactic”
- “Playing the Blame Game as a Manipulation Tactic”
- “Lying: The Ultimate Manipulation Tactic”
One of the more subtle ways that a person hell-bent upon power and control can veil their will to dominate is to cloak it under the cover of subservience to a higher cause or the purported desire to be of service. In my work over the years with disturbed characters and their victims, I’ve seen many examples of this tactic and I know well the damage it can inflict on a relationship.
Early in my clinical training, I happened to observe a therapy session that involved a young girl and her parents. To put it mildly, the child appeared a nervous wreck. She was not only anxious much of the time, but also she had been having nightmares and was fairly depressed. Her mother confided to the therapist that she thought her father was pushing her too hard. Her father was a prominent and successful businessman who had big plans for his daughter. But whenever the mother confronted the father about what she believed to be the relentless pressure he was placing on their child, he would retort that he was only trying to be a good father, to be sure that he afforded the child every opportunity, and to help her achieve her full potential. Toward that end, he had insisted she be placed in advanced programs, insisted on all-A report cards, and had frequent conferences with the teachers when he thought they weren’t doing enough to help. When the girl buckled under the pressure, he hired a tutor, boasting that he was the kind of parent who would do anything he could to help his daughter achieve her potential. (All this was for a child who the educational professionals had repeatedly indicated was of only average intellectual ability.)
I was so struck by the “dynamics” in this family that I made a case study of it and eventually included a modified version of it in my book In Sheep’s Clothing. What struck me the most about this family was how determined the father was to have his way (the hallmark of an aggressive personality), how self-questioning and guilty the mother felt whenever she questioned his motives, and how differently the child’s emotional suffering affected her parents. The child’s suffering was so obvious it would be hard to ignore. The mother didn’t ignore it but didn’t feel valid in her interpretations of events. The father didn’t seem to care that the child was buckling under the pressure; what was important to him was that she accomplish the plans he had long set for her. I then came to realize how effective playing the servant role could be as a manipulation tactic. It’s hard to see someone as a ruthless oppressor when they’re constantly laying claim to tireless efforts on another’s behalf. My gut was reacting instinctively to this man’s aggression (as was his wife’s), yet it was hard to point out clearly the nature of his acts (even the therapist assigned to this case aligned with the father’s position for awhile). So, I eventually came to understand one of the main reasons people get manipulated, especially by aggressive personalities. They don’t trust their gut-level feelings and instincts. Instead of paying attention to their inner fear and angst, and instead of ascribing validity to their initial response, they “listen” to the rationalizations and buy into the message being implied (e.g., “I’m the servant here, not the oppressor, don’t you see?). They then part company with their intuition and succumb to the manipulation.
One of the early pioneers of cognitive-behavioral therapy coined the term “dominance under the guise of service” to describe the tactic of playing the role of servant. It’s an effective tactic and one that’s hard to spot right away. But like the other tactics we’ve been discussing, it can inflict a fair amount of damage if not challenged.
11 Responses (4 Discussion Threads) to “Playing the Servant Role as a Manipulation Tactic”
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Dr Simon
Once again I sat here as I read your article, literally dumbstruck. Having been manipulated in this manner, with all my less than functional behaviors activated, guilt, wanting to please, etc., I finally can see how this worked. How I did ignore the discomfort and gut feelings, attributing it to my own resistance to change, achieve, whatever the other’s goal was not my own, but also often mixed with my own need or want to achieve something that was more functional or within my potential.
I really appreciate your feedback, Barbara. I’m glad you found the article helpful.
Hello Dr. Simon,
I can relate a lot to this in my community. This kind of manipulation (unfortunately) tends to be very common in some cultures. For instance, in my country it is very common to see what we call the “Fellini” mothers – which has also been very well depicted on Dr. Berne’s book (Games People Play) as the “I’m only trying to help you” mind game.
In our country, these kinds of mother are so overprotective and have so many expectations on their children that they put a lot of pressure on them, and “God Save the Kid” who does not fullfill his/her mom’s expectations.
Not only these children have to comply with their mothers’ wishes, but also they even have to “thank” their mothers for being so “considerate” and “devote” their lives to the “upbringing” of their children.
Fortunatelly, we usually have only one mom per lifetime (sorry that was a Latin-world joke) =)
Thanks so much for your comment, Mariana.
This one realy got me thinking in the role I am playing as a mother in a very similar situation. Sometimes I feel like this mother not validated in what I know are wrong ways to dicipline a child. Thanks for this great article…it is really opening my eyes.
Another great article. Would you say this would be similar to the mother who is over-protective and oppressive? Never allowing her children to make age-appropriate decisions or participating in age-appropriate activities under the guise of protecting them?
Hi SMMTAM,
I was reflecting on your comment and relating the over-protecting mothers to co-dependent people. My mother was exactly that kind of mother, she wouldn’t allow anyone to grow up, and make their own decisiones, and she would think and feel for others, she was extremely over-protective (pretty obssessive) and she would always remind her children of “what a caring mother she was”.
On the other hand, my father was exactly the kind of father Dr. Simon described here. (…he was only trying to be a good father, to be sure that he afforded the child every opportunity, and to help her achieve her full potential, etc.,) and to make matters worse he was (still is) an internationally renowned dentist.
So, to my parents, anything less than perfect was below their expectations. Now, when you have parents who expect A plus children, 100% of the time, while on the other hand they are overprotective and will always tell you what to do, what to feel, what to think and what decisions you should make, it becomes pretty tough just trying to be yourself.
Not surprisingly, me and my siblings all ran away from home at a very young age. I guess no one in their sane mind can bear such a constant pressure.
Today my parents are in their 70s and me and my siblings look after them, and we are happy we realized early in life that our parents would not change in the long run. Until this day, if you confront them about their controlling issues, they will deny everything, although they still attempt to control everyone’s life, alleging they know what other people feel and/or think, etc…
Ah, parents! :)
Mariana – you could have just described my house growing up. Add in physical and verbal abuse though.
I know my mother thought (or said that’s what she thought) that she was just “keeping us safe”. I’m wondering if that’s the same thing as our fathers thinking they were just “helping us live up to our potential”?
Tought to be yourself under these circumstances is the under statement of a lifetime! I’m still trying to figure out who I am at age 38! :)
I hear you, SMMTAM, that’s why I created the emotional abuse website and am writing a book about it (in Spanish), pouring on it my 46 years of “clinical experience”!
:o)
YEs, I can see this in my relationship also…too much actually. My gut is screaming at me, and he uses all this rationalization to convince me otherwise…to win over me. Everything he does, from making the rules in my home, to buying some expensive gift, to planning the future with out me…(which I realize are just things that sound good and will probably never happen) are these subserviant tactics….he uses them so that when he does wrong in the relationship, and I get on his case, he has something to make himself look like the victim, the poor giver, who receives no appreciation for the things he does. He has done this to me many times. He has accused me of never looking at the good things he does….which is a lie, because I am so aware of his need for approval that i make conscious efforts to make light of things he does well.
When he goes out to the bar, its because he had a hard days work, and needed some “man time” with his alcoholic buddies. He is at the bar after work at least 3 or 4 days a week and 1 or 2 times during the weekend. When i get upset, he has an excuse for his broken promise (I promise I will quit drinking, cut back drinking) and the advantage of all these good things he has made known to me…all these good intentions and endless sacrifices. I feel that he has sacrificed his bachelor freedom to be in a relationship with me. He acts as if, I make no sacrifices to be with him, and it is getting to the point that I feel, that to be with him, what I have to sacrifice is me, altogether.
He makes known his “for the betterment of’s…” when he makes up more rules in the house. Or the goodness of all these great plans he has for us. the more I seem the more I realize he is a completely different person, than à thought he was.
Hi Amanda,
A reality check or a confrontation is a good way to verify that his plans are just dreams he does not intend to make true in the future. Using critical thinking skills help us unmask people like the man you described here because critical thinking bases its judgment on factual evidence.
He “dreams” and makes plan for the future, but in reality, he does not have a plan today to follow the necessary steps to achieve his future plans. Evidence today, tells he is a con artist. And, as usual, manipulators will resort to every “rational explanation” they can get hold of to back their ideas.
Moreover, the screaming part is another evidence of his lack of sense. His plans and dreams do not make sense, so he will likely take offense easily and scream or yell at you out of his own frustration.
When in doubt, confront him with real facts.