Valuing Suffering?
If pleasure is the only guide, then any addict with enough money to get what they want is our model.
Suffering gets a bad press, understandably. Who wants to suffer? It is not pleasant, and it can go on for years. It seems so obvious that we should value pleasure. It is so obvious that I want to question this.
A lifestyle of pleasure is promoted quite relentlessly by our media. Holidays are for sensual indulgence, and food is about taste, not health. We should buy clothes that look good and make us feel good. And yet this is a curious kind of pleasure. It is pleasure that we are expected to work hard for. It is admirable to work so hard that we need a holiday — working at an easy job part-time is somehow not as admirable. “Work hard, play hard” is somehow promoted at the same time as the valuing of pleasure.
If pleasure is the guide then the addict with enough money to get what they want is our model (or at least one model). They value pleasure — all they need is enough of the stuff they are addicted to. It can be a drug, or applause, another item for the collection, or the next adventure. The addict is happy when their want is met. They are often dedicated and focused in their efforts to get their wants met.
There are traditions that question the value of pleasure. I grew up in one of them — fundamentalist-cum-evangelical-Christianity. By this I don’t mean the inhibited and deliberate approach to life that was so much of my experience of this kind of life. This is often enough just neurosis. I have something far deeper in mind: seeing martyrdom as a positive action. To embrace death (sometimes a quite painful one) for a ‘higher’ purpose puts a very big question mark over pleasure as the highest value. In other traditions, there is self-immolation — and Socrates voluntarily drinking the hemlock.
The person I personally know who has the greatest suffering is someone I’ll call Norah (not her real name). Norah suffered physical and sexual abuse from her family. After leaving her family she had a couple of quite unsatisfactory sexual relationships with men. She has a son who is a credit to her and who is not only intellectually gifted but kind and considerate. He is a joy to her. Norah has a degenerative disease — with no known cure or any prospect of one — so that she is continually in pain. A number of years ago, opiates stopped working to dull the pain. How she manages to stay alive I don’t know. She is very principled and contributes to others and their lives in many ways. Norah really is an extraordinarily remarkable person.
Norah’s suffering is awful. There is no one who wouldn’t want it to stop. But (barring a miracle) it’s not going to stop. So what is there to say to someone like Norah? Is her suffering of no value? Is anaesthesia or analgesia all we have to offer? And what about when that stops working?
These are awful questions to ask. And yet there are many, many people in similar situations.
I don’t want ever to suggest that suffering is good. I do think we need to offer something other than hedonism (the doctrine that life is the enjoyment of pleasure).
I have spent some time in my life listening to people. And so I have heard stories from people that other people didn’t want to listen to. Some of the stories were of quite awful suffering and hardly pleasant to listen to. Some of these times of listening are also amongst the most precious in my life. I hesitate to call them sacred, but they do have a quality of depth that I haven’t experienced in more day to day events. When the other person and I can be present with the core of who we are then there is a quality to the relationship that is profoundly nourishing (however dreadful the kinds of things I was listening to).
I must say at this point that it is not the suffering that brings the depth to the experience. We can experience this depth sharing joyous experiences, too — and these are to be very much preferred as far as I’m concerned. What I do want to say though is that life can include suffering. Hedonism can’t easily take account of these kinds of experiences — where somehow suffering does not just destroy life.
In more humble ways, too, we embrace suffering. We put ourselves to inconvenience to help our friends, and parents often embrace much suffering for the sake of their children.
Suffering may not be good, but there are some kinds of suffering that are surely bad. Some self-inflicted suffering is neurotic and awful. If we suffer in a (probably) hopeless cause, this may be noble — or just plain dumb.
I don’t want to propose giving suffering a positive value; neither do I want to promote pleasure as being the major value in life. This seems a big dilemma to me and I don’t have a simple way forward. I do think that while sometimes suffering does make life not worth living, there are other times when suffering is one part of life.
This post may have been difficult to read. It was certainly difficult to write: lots of pauses and much hesitation. I want to make clear that I am not claiming to have answers or resolutions — and certainly am not presuming to pass judgement on anyone suffering or offering advice about what they should do about it. I have written this because suffering is part of life for many people we meet. I want us to be open to our own and others’ suffering. Sometimes this can lead us to having profound experiences with them.
How has suffering affected you? Has it been negative? Have you gained from it? I would like to hear your responses to the suffering of yourself and others. Let me know in the comments to this post.
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by on Tuesday, 24th March 2009. You can leave a reply below.
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24th March 2009
Awesome post, Evan!
I was thinking about your question in the last paragraph, “How suffering affects us”…
And, as I re-read your post, it came to my mind people who support or stand for the so called “Law of Attraction.” I once made a point about people who have suffered a lot and I bet they didn’t “attract” that to their lives (children dying from hunger all over the world, women living under the Taliban law, Jewish people who died in the Holocaust, and so many other examples throughout man’s history until today.)
Certainly, we do not enjoy suffering (naturally.) But sometimes, in life, we are faced with not so pleasant options to choose from and we will suffer to some extent.
I experienced that kind of choices, where for the sake of a better outcome in the (maybe) not so near future, I had to make the “right decision” which was not one that implied immediate pleasure, but instead, it was a tough road and I knew beforehand I was going to suffer.
Now, I saw this as a necessary “suffering.” But, all in all, it was the best decision I could have ever made. To me suffering is not an option I would choose, unless the alternatives were worse or led to undesirable outcomes.
It’s a bit like if you get trapped in a dead end alley and a gang of violent teens will let you choose… “You want to get beaten up by one of us or by ten of us?”… When options are not the best you can expect in life, you will choose the least harmful, but you know you will suffer a bit for a while.
Personally, I don’t take any pleasure in suffering, but when it becomes a reality, I face it with my best attitude and do my best to cope with it as long as it last.
My heart goes out to those who have to endure a chronic suffering, be it from illnesses or situations/conditions like poverty, etc.
Life is not perfect, we cannot expect to be “always happy,” setbacks and suffering are a part of life too.
24th March 2009
Thanks Mariana,
That is my problem with the “‘Law’ of Attraction” too.
Thanks for your very personal and thoughtful comment.
24th March 2009
Being alive is that which human beings ought to value and is, in fact, the source of all value that human beings will ever know. Suffering is just a part of living. If a person has the capacity to experience the world, themselves and others, if this capacity includes the capacity to respond openly and with substantive feelings to oneself, others and the world at large, then suffering will come as a natural consequence of imperfect beings like us living in an imperfect world. As Nietzsche one put it (I’m quoting from memory): “Double pain is easier to bear than single pain. Do you accept my dare.†He was right.
24th March 2009
Hi Steve,
I feel uneasy with the Nietzsche quote, but I’m not sure why.
I do think life is the source of value – and that some parts are more valuable than others. This is a big topic I know.
I do agree that suffering is a natural consequence of us imperfect beings and our imperfect world. And openness I do think leads to suffering. I also think that closedness leads to suffering. This may be related to what Nietzsche meant, I’m not sure.
BTW, I think Nietzsche is the most important modern philosopher – due to his focus on the revaluation of values. I think in many ways we still have to deal with his challenge.
25th March 2009
Evan,
I’ve always interpreted the Nietzsche quote as expressing a thought which referred to a person who loses one of his or her vital capacities because he or she would rather not feel bad. That person might feel less pain at any given moment. But he or she has traded away his or her capacity to feel just to have the “benefit†of not feeling pain.
Kierkegaard also pointed to just this kind of self-selected incapacity with his idea of a person in despair because he or she does not know he or she is in despair.
I mention all of this because I need to remind myself of these things every day!
25th March 2009
Hello Steve,
Regarding Kierkegaard’s concept, I was once asked why I didn’t ask for help with a specific thing if I didn’t know how to do it… and my reply was “I didn’t know that I didn’t know how to do it”… (actually, I thought I did knnow how to do it.)
Sometimes, we ignore certain things and since we ignore them, they tend to have little impact on our lives. It is when we become aware of that which we had no knowledge of, that it can become an issue for us, arising certain feelings, etc.
25th March 2009
Thanks, I think I get it now.
26th March 2009
Hi Evan,
looking at this from a buddhist perspective – suffering is the first noble truth. It is the condition of life, it is everywhere, and there is no human being alive who doesn’t feel it. It is the starting point, and only from there can we get to any kind of ‘liberation’, which I put in inverted commas because there are so many ways to interpret it. Suffering is ours, it belongs to us all and unites us all. It just is. From this insight springs compassion, awareness, and relief from suffering.
26th March 2009
Hi Sarah, I’m not a Buddhist. I certainly agree that suffering is a fact of life. I also value compassion, awareness and relief from suffering.
I guess ‘liberation’ is a difficult term, so I try to talk about joy – elated calmness, and so on. Not sure what ‘bliss’, ‘liberation’ etc specifically refer to in the Buddhist tradition. “Liberation” has the virtue of including the social dimension more easily I think. Maybe my focus is too individualist – partly this is a limitation of this medium I think: individuals reading stuff on their own computer. It may be that I just haven’t thought enough about it. Thanks for your comment.
26th March 2009
I was fairly isolated when I was a kid and for a while I was bored out of my mind and depressed. It gave me enough motivation for the rest of my life. One of my favorite quotes was from Milton Erickson, the father of modern medical hypnosis. When he was asked how he developed his extraordinary talent, he said, “I was lucky. I was completely paralyzed when I was a kid.” He had polio and for a while the doctors didn’t think he would live. Since he couldn’t move he learned to listen and observe.
26th March 2009
Thanks Jean, I didn’t know this about Erickson. From all reports he was simply an amazing practitioner. Listening and observing are extremely powerful I think. Thanks for your comment.
27th March 2009
This confirms that opinion that states there’s (almost) always a bright side to every experience in life.
27th March 2009
Viktor E. Frankl wrote “When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as his task, his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden”
In reality, to live is to endure suffering; how would we know how to fully appreciate pleasure if we never experienced pain. Suffering does provide the opportunity for self exploration and personal growth. Working in the field of chemical dependency there is a great deal of exploration into human suffering and resulting addicitons. In reality it is the attempts to avoid suffering that can create the greatest amount of distress.
That is not to say that I enjoy suffering, but I have learned that if I am willing to accept and bear my burden, I will have a much better chance of finding serenity. Much of my life was spent in a very distressing and seemingly hopeless situation. When I accepted the challege of suffering, but suffering with a purpose, I was able to move forward and use my experience to help others. Many self-help programs spring from that very philosophy.
I do pray for your friend Norah, that kind of physical suffering is difficult to understand. I do believe that there is a very special place in heaven for people such as her.
27th March 2009
Thanks Teresa, I love Frankl.
The difference between accepting and enjoying suffering is vital – as you suggest. I (and others who have suffered much more than me) have found that it is possible to move to a place of serenity.
In my experience addiction is often about avoiding suffering.
Thanks especially for your thoughts for Norah.
31st March 2009
Man Evan,
You and everyone in these comments and discussions are really deep people, which is a good thing. I read all of the stuff you post on here and everyone’s comments and I be wanting to comment to say something back, but I can’t put my words together like you all can. I just want to let everybody that wrote a comment in this particular page, and you Evan, that a 21 year old guy from Odessa, Tx who’s had is share of problems is readin and learnin, and I am becoming a better person because of you all.
And I believe there’s a real good spot in heaven for all of those people that are like Norah too, Teresa. Any spot in heaven is good to me though.
31st March 2009
Hi Tyron,
I’m glad we’re helping you. Unfortunately the web and especially blogs focus on words. It’s the nature of the beast I’m afraid.
Please let us know if there is anything you would like to see a post on. Thanks for your comment.
3rd April 2009
Shinning a light on suffering is I believe part of the antedote. They say consciousness is awareness being aware of itself, I say this to point to what I see as a coorelation between suffering and time. I spent the first 35 years of my life suffering, with the greatest intensity being say 25 to 35. I was so depressed as a result of the recognition and continued reflection on what had or had not happend in my life, having no ability to either accept or change what had happened to me. As a result I reached a point of deciding life was far to painfull to continue. Then someone said to me “what is wrong right now?” , I attempted to bring my past sad story forward and they said; “no that was in the past, I mean right now!” There was nothing wrong… my consciousness had been refocused to that current moment and it was empty of pain without the past. I know this sounds simplistic, but it is. I think we as a people need to consider not living as photo albums of the past and worry about capturing the moment in the lens of right now. I believe whole heartedly that physical illness is the twin of historical suffering. It is the manifestation of depression and suffering on the body. We are so much more then we realize. We assume that illness is outside of our control, i believe in fact our mental pain resonates to illnesses and then illness appears on our bodies. Another words we unconsciously partner with physical disfunction. Pain and suffering are unconcious behaviors, the only thing that they have in common with the present, is the fact that we are unconcsiously replaying them there…hence more suffering in review. Additionally the replay generates more energy and that unconcious energy attracts and resonates the familiar to it. I read all of your readers comments and then appreciated the forum and the topic you chose, I think that in the contemplation and the answering we all are turning on lights together, today being a person is fun. Thoughtfully -el
3rd April 2009
Thanks Ellen,
Our thoughts surely affect our physical experience (and I think vice versa). I think being in the present and not caught in our past experience is not simplistic at all – being able to do this can be a great liberation in my experience.
I hope we are all shining a light on suffering. Many thanks for your comment.