Vilifying the Victim: Manipulating You by Making You Feel Like the Bad Guy
Neurotics hate to think of themselves as the injuring party and would rather carry the burden of abuse than see themselves as an abuser. Disturbed characters know this well. So, when they want to take advantage, a good one-two punch is to play the victim and then vilify the real victim.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on behaviors commonly displayed by persons with disturbances of character. These behaviors often serve to reinforce the disturbed character’s resistance to accepting social norms and responsibility, as well as serving as vehicles of manipulation and impression-management. In a prior post, I explained the tactic of “Playing the Victim.” (See “Playing the Victim”.) A related tactic sometimes used in combination with the tactic of playing the victim is the tactic of vilifying the victim.
Sometimes it takes a lot of nerve for a good “neurotic” to confront a disturbed character’s behavior. (See “Disturbances of Character” and the series that follows.) One reason it takes so much nerve is that usually the neurotic individual has an intuitive sense of the disturbed character’s innate forcefulness, resolve, and capacity to stand ground when challenged. Another reason is that neurotic individuals are among the most conscientious and the least aggressive of individuals, so they are naturally uncomfortable in the role of confronter. (See “Matters of Conscience”.)
Neurotics, being who they are, are very vulnerable to the ploy of vilifying the victim. When a neurotic individual finally gets up enough nerve to confront a disturbed character about their behavior, within minutes the disturbed character is generally able to turn the tables and cast the victim of the hurtful behavior in a bad light. In my book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I give an example of a mother who finally had to confront her aggressive child’s increasingly disruptive behavior. When she did, the child launched a verbal barrage that included: “You’re always saying bad things about me” and “You act like you hate me.” As conscientious as the mother was, she then began to wonder if she actually hadn’t become too critical lately and if indeed her behavior might truly look to her child like she hated the child. She never stopped to think that if the child actually believed that she never had a good thing to say and that she actually hated her, then there would be absolutely no point in the child’s pointing out those things, because such words would have absolutely no impact on a woman with a heart of stone. It never occurred to her that the child must instinctively and deeply know that she actually cared quite a bit and that her conscientiousness was her biggest vulnerability. In other words, it never occurred to her that her child knew exactly what to say and do to manipulate her. It also didn’t occur to her that by allowing the child to continually use those tactics to manipulate her, she was helping to ensure that the child would continue resisting accepting the principles of responsible conduct she was trying to instill in her.
Over the years I have encountered literally thousands of examples of disturbed characters making their victims feel like the bad guy whenever they get called on their malicious behavior. The tactic works because neurotics hate to think of themselves as the injuring party. They would rather carry the burden of abuse than see themselves as an abuser. Disturbed characters know this well. So, when they want to gain advantage over you in any encounter, a good one-two punch is playing the victim and then vilifying the real victim.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Monday, 23rd March 2009. You can leave a reply below.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/03/23/vilifying-the-victim/
23rd March 2009
How do you stand up to a disturbed character? I’m in the process of trying to decide whether to return to someone or extricate myself from them (I think he’s disturbed in some ways). He sends me messages saying we were both to blame for the problems, but for once in my neurotic life I can honestly say that’s not true without feeling too guilty!
One thing I have found that does work sometimes is staying calm and repeating myself and asking them to listen… but I suppose that’s dependent on them doing that.
24th March 2009
Hi Ellie,
Just a thought here about what your friend tells you about “you are both to blame for the problems”…
To me it’s like this… One thing is people’s “responsibility” for staying or not staying in a relationship -or each person’s choice- and a different one is when one partner blames on the other (or wants to share the responsibility with the other partner) about his own mental health problems and behavioral issues.
To put it simple, you can be responsible for your own choices/decisions, but you are certainly not to blame for his mental disturbance (not sure if the term applies) or mental health and behavioral issues.
As Dr. Simon pointed out in his articles, disturbed characters tend to be very skilled when it comes to creating confusion on other people, so as not to make themselves accountable for their behaviors, etc.
If he is a disturbed character, that is not your fault.
If you have had some unhealthy interactions, that’s a completely different thing, maybe you just didn’t react “properly” at times, but that is not what caused or causes his problems, nor does it justify his behaviors either.
(Anyway, this is just my point of view.)
23rd March 2009
Very interesting post!
I was reflecting on the part that says “They would rather carry the burden of abuse than see themselves as an abuser,” and it came to my mind some people who are unable to tell their romantic partner “I don’t love you” or “I want to leave you” because of the feeling they experience. Some victims simply think it’s “wrong” to be honest about their feelings because that would “hurt” the real abusers, which seems to be exactly what the abuser is counting on, that “guilty” feeling on the victim’s part for standing for their rights.
I’ve noticed there’s quite a bit of misconception regarding what is a healthy choice to make regarding an unhealthy relationship, and it appears that mostly is due to this confusing feelings that victims usually experience. They just can’t stand the idea of hurting someone else, and would rather endure the suffering themselves. Or they might think that if they set a limit, they will not be “loved” anymore by their partners…
It’s like when parents are unable to say NO or set a limit/boundary to their child because they fear that might be counterproductive for the child. Sometimes, saying NO means love. It means drawing a line between a healthy interaction and unhealthy one.
24th March 2009
Hi Mariana,
Your comment really hit me close. I have been in an unhealthy relationship for almost 12 yrs and I have said those words many times -” I dont love you anymore…I want to leave” and every time, I felt a liberating honesty and peace. But it is not until later when my partner starts manipulating with the -” the childrens sake” that I feel disarmed. My days are passing by and I feel very sacare of his reaction againt me and the children. It is not whether if I hurt him or not. At this point I dont care if I hurt him.
Anyways, great article!
24th March 2009
Hi Lunna,
Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you need a safe exit plan. In my personal opinion, I think it’s precisely because of your children’s sake that you (all) would be better off without your partner, but I don’t know all the details. If you fear his reaction, it would be good to have a support network and a safe exit plan for you and your children to be able to put an end to that unhealthy relationship and start a new and healthier life. Just my two cents here.
25th March 2009
Hello Mariana,
Thank you for this… and for your comments below. It’s very true that I don’t like to set boundaries with partners, as I feel I won’t be loved. And I think when I get involved with disturbed characters they pick-up on this and act accordingly e.g become aggressive/manipulate/walk out.
The articles on here and comments are definitely getting me thinking about what I do and the behaviour of those I’ve been involved with. Very useful.
Ellie
26th March 2009
Thank you, Ellie.
You got me thinking about that. When I was young I used to think it was rude on my part to say “no,” but later on I realised there was an important difference between being assertive and being rude or aggressive.
I used to feel that people might “reject” me if I set boundaries, and some did, but it turned out to be for the better since those who turned their back on me were manipulators who would rather look for an “easier victim.”
Anyhow, we can be assertive and say “no” and set boundaries without offending anyone, and without fearing that we will not be loved. And perhaps, if someone stops loving us after we say “no,” maybe it wasn’t someone “good” for us, in the end.
We are all entitled to set healthy boundaries and expect to be respected and loved for who we are.
27th March 2009
I came across this article because my mother had various links up to help me with my current situation.
It was just Sunday that I was snuck out of my ex-fiancè and his family’s home where I was emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. I’ve spent the past few hours reading many of your articles, and I must say they have really helped me with understanding what happened to me there over the past year. With every article that I have read, I see examples that bear an uncanny resemblance to both him and his mother, and the tactics they used to keep me there. I’ve often been told that I am very naive, and now that I have gone through all this for the past year, I can now finally see it. What I don’t understand is how they can feel justified with harming another living being. For me, the most pleasure I get out of life is in helping people and making people happy.
I am quite thankful to have stumbled across this site with my mother’s help, and I hope it helps others that are and have been in the same situation as I.
29th March 2009
Thank you so much for your comment, Christina.