Lying: The Ultimate Manipulation Tactic
Disordered characters don’t want you to know what they’re all about or what they’re up to. Lying helps keep them one-up on you and a step ahead of you.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on certain relatively automatic behaviors that disturbed characters commonly engage in to manipulate others and resist accountability. Some of the tactics I’ve posted on include rationalization, minimization, and blaming or scapegoating:
- “Understanding Rationalization: Making Excuses as an Effective Manipulation Tactic”
- “Minimization: Trivializing Behavior as a Manipulation Tactic”
- “Playing the Blame Game as a Manipulation Tactic”
By far, however, the most effective manipulation and responsibility-avoidance behavior is lying.
Disordered characters not only lie frequently, but they sometimes lie even when there appears no obvious or useful purpose for the lying. They are also expert at lying in a wide variety of ways, some of which are quite subtle.
For the disordered character, lying serves many purposes. But mainly, lying serves to give a manipulator an advantage over someone else. Disordered characters don’t want you to know what they’re all about or what they’re up to. That would level the playing field in your encounters with them. But disturbed characters want to be one-up on you and a step ahead of you. They want to keep you in the dark and keep you guessing. One of the best ways to do this is by deception.
There are so many ways to lie that it’s almost impossible to list them all. But disordered characters are very knowledgeable about even the most subtle and stealthy ways to lie and are artful in their use of the various forms of lying.
One subtle approach to lying is lying by omission. When someone wants to pull the wool over your eyes, they don’t have to make an obviously absurd or bogus claim. Many times, all they have to do is make sure they don’t tell the whole truth about something. It’s as simple as leaving out a very important detail or something crucial to understanding the whole picture. In my first book, In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I give an example of an aging salesman concerned about his job security who asked his boss if there were any plans to lay him off or fire him. His boss told him there were no such plans. But he didn’t tell him that his sales accounts were about to be shared with a new, younger employee and that soon he’d be in a position in which he might prefer early retirement as opposed to dwindling commissions. Sometimes, what a person doesn’t say or do can be a much more effective manipulation tool.
Another type of subtle lying is the use of vagueness. When you confront a manipulator about an issue, they may give you an answer, but they might also be so vague about the details that you end up remaining largely in the dark. Sometimes, the disordered character can manipulate you effectively by doing just the opposite — by using specificity in a response in such a way that it may provide a limited answer to the question you’ve asked, but without providing additional detail that would better address the intent of your question.
Lying by distortion of crucial details provides one other way to obscure the bigger picture and mislead someone. In fact, when someone really wants to lie effectively, they’ll often recite a litany of true facts (all to give the impression that they’re on a truth-telling spree) while simultaneously leaving out a crucial detail or two or distorting the true nature of an important fact.
Lying is such a habit for disordered characters that sometimes they end up halfway believing their lies. That’s true not only for the lies they tell others, but also for the lies they tell themselves.
By lying so often about the reality of situations, the disturbed character obstructs and resists any chance that they will internalize the most essential principles of responsible conduct.
14 Responses (4 Discussion Threads) to “Lying: The Ultimate Manipulation Tactic”
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Hello Dr. Simon,
Do liars actually believe they can “always” get away with lying? Because, eventually, the truth will come to light (maybe not in all cases, but still…)
How long do they believe their lies will keep being bought in by others? Do you think liars expect people to believe their lies forever? I know some people would rather live in denial instead of accepting they believed a liar (perhaps they won’t admit it out of embarrassment,) but to me, real life evidence speaks volumes for itself and, more often than not, it unmasks liars.
Hi Mariana,
Because so much of the time the lying is done “automatically” and habitually, consideration is rarely given to the eventual consequences. Remember, the main purpose for lying in the first place is the manipulator’s determination to have a position of advantage AT THE TIME they’re lying. The long-term is not something they think about at the moment. The heart of their pathology is the determination to be a step ahead or one-up in every encounter (I’ve written some prior articles on these subjects). So, they fail to appreciate that sometimes the way to win in the long-run is to play fair or even risk taking a back seat in the immediate circumstance.
Thanks for the question. I get asked it a lot at workshops and you asking in again gave me an opportunity to elaborate.
I have fallen for (or at least been confused by) all of these different types of lying. What I’ve found most effective in dealing with this type of behavior is:
1.) Trust my own instincts, too many “coincidences” or things that don’t make sense, usually mean deception.
2.) Actions speak louder than words.
3.) If I am certain that someone has been deceptive, depending on the degree of the deception and the importance of the relationship, I either eliminate them from my life or if that isn’t possible, reduce contact to a bare minimum.
Thank you so much for your reply!
Relationships take communication and trust. Lying and manipulation destroy that trust. Sometimes I wonder how you can even have a “relationship” with anyone who has disorders. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes you think that you are actually building something. But then it gets brought down so quickly. I wonder if we need to have our heads examined for even trying to have a relationship with them. Must I be detached and stay on a surface level forever to survive and thrive? I feel like I live two lives. I am never able to just relax and “be” around this loved one. When I am away, I breathe. So of course I wonder how to breathe with them around. I work on that. He is so incredibly good at manipulation and lies that I work on constantly not getting sucked in; that is my life. But I can never really give my heart away. I can’t have that intimacy that I so wanted in life with him. Marriage seminars are a joke for us. If I did those things I would get swallowed up and spit out. The mainstream don’t talk about this. People would think we were crazy to stay in this, knowing what we face as a future.
Yet I can’t help thinking that there is an answer. I can’t help thinking that I am becoming somebody who is strong in adversity and laughs because I can. I am climbing my way out of a pit that I have gone down thinking I was in a normal marriage. I have decided to live in spite of what he does. Is that the answer for now? Will there be a better way in the future? Will we discover drugs or genetic therapy that can help this predisposition to this harmful way of looking at life and people? Not that they would ever allow this lack of control in their lives but could be tested or observed as children when they are able to be under parental controls a little bit more.
Karen, your comments are ever so poignant. In response to your musing about whether there is hope or an answer, in fact, there is an answer. The problem is that the answer does not lie in the traditional metaphors about human nature or the traditional modes of therapy and/or counseling, seminars, etc. that people have tried. These paradigms were designed for, by, and about neurotics. They are almost useless when it comes to understanding and help correct the maladaptive patterns of the disturbed character. The fact that so many still ally with these old, worn-out, and extremely inadequate metaphors is the most disturbing thing to me. My writings, workshops, blog posts, etc. are all geared toward helping people adopt a new framework to better understand and be prepared to deal with disturbed characters. In my career, I’ve seen many of these individuals change. The work is not easy, it’s very different, and it does’t happen overnight, but it works. What’s more, once one-time victims get the picture, they’re empowered for the rest of their lives never to get similarly hoodwinked again.
Thank you so much for your comment and for the opportunity to respond and elaborate.
This situation sounds all to familiar but in my situation I was the liar and my husband was the one that hoped and believed that I would change. My husband put my feelings/needs before his own and didn’t equate his feelings/needs to be just as important as mine. After many years of dealing with me he realized that his needs/feelings were also important. He moved out. I didn’t realize how much damage (mentally) I had done to him until it was too late and that if I had been honest from the beginning we probably wouldn’t be seperated. Since, we have seperated I have confessed my lies to him and have learned to tell the truth no matter what the outcome may be. Although, we are seperated we have become good friends and our communication has improved alot. I guess what I am trying to say is that, “your needs/feelings are just as important as his.”
Im doing some personal research into the hundreds of possible reasons behind people lying. I am aware of some of those that occur psychologically, but I was wondering if you could shed some light onto the scientific or chemical reason for lying? What’s happenign inside their mind, brain and body when they lie? Why does this happen? Would there be a way to prevent it? Is it natural to lie like this? Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Dr. Jan Itor.
Hi, Jan. Sorry to be just responding to your question.
Some good research has been done at USC and Cornell about the reasons people lie and the brain chemistry associated with it. From a functional perspective, people lie most often to either: to keep an unpleasant event from occurring or to facilitate the occurrence of a desired event. When it comes to the more character-disordered personalities, especially the aggressive personalities, lying is instrumental to helping them get what they want.
From my experience, it seems more than just “natural” that people lie. The fact is that it’s very often an “easy” way to avoid pain or get what you want. Human beings have to learn the value of sacrificing what’s easy in favor of accepting the burdens of more responsible living. In western permissive and boundless societies, learning such values are tougher than ever.
Hi Dr Simon,
Thanks for a splendid article. I started reading some help books of late and just happened upon your website in search of some “answers”.Your above article holds true for me because I have often wondered why some people I know omit crucial information time and time again. This seems to be really common. For me I personally feel it goes hand in hand with jealousy. It’s like what you said about these people wanting to have one over you. Constant criticisms and never coming forward with compliments is the bane of such people’s lives. What makes it worse is the fact that they continue to use you for their own personal purposes without any care for you. It’s like someone I know who is so critical and never happy with my progress with my life however little it is. I have come to learn that it has nothing to do with me.I have also learnt that I should not continue to justify the way they behave by turning a blind eye to their actions. Another important thing I have learnt so far is this: I should not justify my original feelings about an action (through feelings of guilt etc). I should be firm in the belief that those original feelings were correct at that time and it has nothing to do with the present situation.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I do get muddled up sometimes. Thanks
Liz
I am currently going to counseling because I am a chronic liar. Aside from my own embarrassment, humiliation and guilt that I live with because of it and the horrible damage it has caused in my current marriage and past relationships, I would offer this comment to some of the posts: ALWAYS listen to your gut instincts and don’t excuse or justify a liar, because he/they ARE in fact telling you lies. I don’t understand all the why’s behind my behavior, I’m getting help for it and I feel bad for all the people in the posts above that have been hurt by someone elses lies. It’s horrible.
Thanks for the comments and advice to the readers, Steve. And good luck with your counseling! There are many reasons why people feel compelled to lie. The fact that you are distressed by it and have invested in some self-exploration are very good signs that you will succeed in your quest. Hang in there!
Hi. I was reading your article, which I found very informative and interesting by the way, and I had a few questions I was hoping you could clear up for me.
I was just wondering if you could possibly give me a defienition of the differences between Disordered people and Disturbed people.
Also I was wondering If you could defien manipulation terms of psychology, the type of people who manipulate and if maybe you know of any group experiments or little activities or experiments for one person to show a group to demeonstrate the elements of lying or manipulating.
Sorry, I understand this is a bit of a tall order, but anything would help.
Thank you
Joe Kerr.
WOW, glad I found this site.I am still reeling from a break-up from a five year relationship; after my discovery that my partner had been lying to me for a very long time. Only gut instinct made me investigate. Uncovering the lies were confusing and painful. When I confronted her with the info more lies. Then anger and blame.She was the victim. She had social life I knew nothing about!! We were in a commited relationship. At least I was. Told her if she would come clean about everything we could work on getting back on track. She claimed there wasn’t any more info-never would volunteer one drop. Tryed to get back. Discovery of more lies. I wanted to believe the first time was a mistake. Now I question the entire five years. What was the truth? She made one statement that continues to go through my head-”I am afraid I might do it again”.
Like she has no control over herself. Though she claims not to have had a problem in the past. She really needs help.
It was very damaging to me. But I am working through it.
Thanks, D