Comments on: Playing the Blame Game as a Manipulation Tactic

By: So Much More Than A Mom

So Much More Than A Mom — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:49:40 +0000

VERY well said. I know this was meant for lynetteb but…thank you anyway. It was so difficult for me to wrap my brain around this concept at first because it felt “selfish”.

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 13:12:24 +0000

lynetteb’s question related to depression is such an important one that I thought I’d add one more comment. As I write briefly about in “In Sheep’s Clothing” and will be expounding on in a future post, the “formula” for depression, which I discovered in my early work with victims of master manipulators, is simple: Invest your emotional energy in something you don’t have the power to make happen (e.g., someone else’s behavior, an emotional response from another, an outcome you desire, etc.). Similarly, the “formula” for joy is investing your emotional energy in something you have absolute power over – namely, your choices and actions. DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Don’t focus on the outcome, merely the act of will. On top of that, attach paramount VALUE to your decision. Recognize its merit and reinforce yourself internally for taking action. If the choices you make don’t lead you to where you want to go, modify your choices but keep trying. We get depressed because we get too emotionally invested in what we can’t control and forget to validate ourselves and our acts of merit.

By: lynetteb

lynetteb — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 10:59:35 +0000

thank you dr. simon. so how does one find a way past one’s own damage to get the strength to actually believe the reality of what has happened? i have two parallel versions of my marriage playing through my head and my heart — the real one and the one i want it to have been. i can’t seem to reconcile the two — it is too painful to admit what i have allowed to happen to me.

years of therapy, medication, and depression, and i am still stuck here.

lynette

By: Mariana

Mariana — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:22:14 +0000

Looks like this blog took a life of it’s own! :)

I personally found that gathering and learning new information (like the one you provide through the articles you write here) has been the source of my self-empowering and what has made me “move on” in my life.

Back 25 years ago or so, I found that through reading some books, like the one I mentioned here, as well as getting as much information from professionals and from real life experience as well, provided me with the tools I needed to understand other people’s manipulative behaviors and be in a better position to deal with them or with such situations.

To me, information was the key. If we don’t know how we and other people function, little can we do to change the way we respond.

By: So Much More Than A Mom

So Much More Than A Mom — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:43:05 +0000

AMEN!

By: Dr George Simon, PhD

Dr George Simon, PhD — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:41:54 +0000

Great discussion, all! A word here about the balance of responsibility. It’s not a fault per se that normal “neurotics” are conscientious to the point that they afford others the benefit of the doubt, strive to see the good in others, and try to see the other side of issues. But such characteristics do make them vulnerable to a good manipulator. Remember, the tactics they use are effective precisely because malevolent intent is not OBVIOUS when they use them. One has to finally get the picture of what kind of person one is dealing with to realize what they’ve been up to and sometimes that takes enough time that a lot of damage has already been done and a lot of entrenchment has already occurred in the relationship. Still, the key to EMPOWERMENT for someone who would otherwise be a victim is to take charge of their own issues and how they have responded – setting new terms of engagement for those with whom they would have a relationship.

By: Mariana

Mariana — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:39:43 +0000

Mom, I agree with you. It’s not about blaming the victim, it’s about recognizing each person’s role in a mind game so that they can put an end to it. You said it!

By: Mariana

Mariana — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:37:23 +0000

Hi Lynette,

I don’t think you’re failing. We have different experiences, each person is unique and we have a different timing. For instance, my parents got divorced after 35 years of marriage, when no one could actually fortell that would happen.

As I said before, sometimes people change and sometimes not, but what others decided to do (change) is beyond our control, so don’t get depressed, you’re not failing, you’ve been trying to fix things all this time.

There’s a nice quote by Thomas Alva Edison I always keep in mind… “I haven’t failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work” =) Any time is a good time to start changing. Honor your feelings and choices, and trust yourself. Just don’t sink in depression, I know it’s hard to get rid of it, but it’s not impossible at all.

By: So Much More Than A Mom

So Much More Than A Mom — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:52:04 +0000

It’s not about blaming the victim. It’s about taking responsibility for our own choices. When we shift the focus to ourselves and stop trying to figure out or change the manipulator, everything else falls into place…I swear.

By: lynetteb

lynetteb — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 12:27:20 +0000

mariana, thank you for your reply. i wish i had left when my kids were small — they are older now, and i am more accustomed (and perhaps tolerant?) of the behavior.

maybe i am particularly sensitive about the issue right now, when things are coming to a head in my life, but i have to say your comments in your response result in my almost feeling as though i am failing somehow by NOT leaving. which makes me more depressed (when i start thinking that way).

anyway, i am glad you were able to “make things right” in your life — i am working hard on doing the same.

lynette