thanks for your very insightful reply.

Actualy I think that is well worth trying. If the other person is honestly frustrated too, they will say so, and if there are games being played, that will come out, won’t it.

I could say: “We seem to be talking past each other, do you see it too? What do you think it is that’s causing it?”

And then, if the other person says anything blaming, shaming, evading, or whatever, I’d know a game might be on.

“Well, YOU aren’t listening to me…”

“I don’t know what you mean, I don’t see any problem”

“I don’t think you really understand very much about X…”

Then I can back away and let the other person recover themselves, if they’ve just gotten pulled into something they didn’t intend. And if it really is a game, I can back away and try to figure out how else to handle it.

About getting pulled into something, I notice that I left it one sided in my first comment. To be honest, I’ve done my share of attempting to control outcomes too. Which involves trying to influence or persuade people at best, and trying to control them at worst.

And it’s amazing how the one can turn into the other sometimes, so quietly that I almost don’t realize it while it’s happening… just amazing.

Which gives me some perspective, too. Thanks!

I think that people wanting to control (and so not being open to the other person’s experience) is often the problem as you say.

Sometimes though it is frustrating – I can know that I’m not communicating and try different things and still know that I’m just not managing to communicate. In this situation one option is to highlight the process: “Why is it we seem to be talking passed each other?” This is my best guess about what to do. What do you think – helpful or not?

Thanks for you comment.

Could you talk more about the ‘talking past each other’ scenario? When I’ve experienced this, it has usually seemed to result from one person wanting to control the other one, rather than being truly open to hearing what they have to say.

Which would explain why focusing on the message gets nowhere; there’s no receptivity to it from the start. But I’m sure there are other situations that cause this problem too.