I agree about our identifying with our beliefs (and thoughts and feelings and perceptions). I agree too about our (usually unconscious) rules bringing problems.

And I really like and agree with your idea that working from the place of what I want and what you want is a good way to find agreements and compromises.

Thanks for your valuable comment.

I’m not sure about how intellectual to be in my writing. Writing as I do flows naturally for me but I also need to keep in mind that I am writing for others not just myself. So I’m very glad to hear from you, it is very helpful to me.

I guess when one person is convinced they’re in love and the other isn’t it would be almost impossible. I don’t think it is frivolous though. I guess in an ideal world it would be possible to negotiate a friendship, but we don’t live in an ideal world.

Many thanks for your comment, it is valuable in all kinds of ways.

Barbara, it seems as if you are in a very awkward spot, it must be a bit disturbing to feel you are ’standing on air’. While different certainties can sometimes accept each other and sometimes not, a certainty plus an uncertainty is a very difficult situation, the uncertain one constantly risking colonisation! I wish you the very best with this. We all have a right to uncertainty!

“I think therefore I am” has certainly (sic) never convinced me.

You are certainly (am I wrong to be certain here? ;) ) one of the more intellectual bloggers I know and it was a definite (certainty again) pleasure to read this post. My mind probably (not certain, memory issue here) hasn’t been this challenged since I left university.

Seriously, in my opinion (and I’m always certain of my opinion, even if I’m not certain my opinion is certain) this was a great post.

Does it affect relationships? Well I can think of one scenario, in the context of a romantic relationship, which happened to me a long time ago: the guy was certain I was in love with him, and I was equally certain I was not! Is it possible to agree to disagree and still have the relationship? I’m quite certain the answer in this case is no. Sorry for this frivolous example, it’s the only one that came to mind right away.

Yes, this is very difficult. The idea that certainty is better makes it especially difficult (”I know what I think and you don’t, so you should agree with me for now”, or “I have a position and you don’t, so we should go with what I want”).

I think ‘fools rush in’ can be true. Sometimes uncertainty is needed I think. For instance the blogosphere is quite new as a communication medium and I think we are still sorting out the rules, and even what it is. In this situation uncertainty (and a willingness to explore) is appropriate I think.

It sounds like the other person isn’t being particularly hospitable in this instance. Do they have an agenda to help you sort our your thoughts around the issue (other than explaining why you should agree with them?)

To say, “I disagree, but I don’t know why”, or “Just because I don’t feel so” can sound awfully lame to me, when I say these kinds of things anyway.

Thanks for your comment, you open up a really interesting dilemma. I’m keen to hear how other people respond to this.

Currently, I am having a similar struggle in a relationship. The other person has certainty of their conviction. I, on the other hand do not. What I’m struggling with is the imposition I feel to adopt the other’s certainty, way of doing something. So my resistant isn’t my own conviction, but the feeling of being pushed to believe as another.

I have not yet arrived at even presenting my side of this difficulty to my friend. But it is like the elephant in the room. He’s not going away, until someone gives him some alternative ways out. And my friend and I cannot resolve anything until I present my sense of discomfort.

I do think the disagreement in this case is more difficult because I do not have my own conviction, my own stance, as she has hers. Making my position precarious, standing on air, so to speak.

As difficult as it is to disagree with someone you care about, and would prefer to have agreement, I think each person knowing their position at least has the element of equality, a good base to build on for equanimity.