I fully agree with you. It certainly does take time to go through the whole process (and it’s a different time frame for each person) and also, it is, indeed, very muddy when you’re in it. (Been there, long time ago)

I always saw it like learning a whole new foreign language, you can’t expect to learn it in a day or a week, it takes a great deal of time to internalize and organize all the information. It doesn’t just permeate our brains in a matter of minutes.

Each person is unique and each person has their own time to process their feelings. And I also agree that pushing or bossing someone is not the best strategy to make people understand. Thanks for point out my “pushiness,” I appreciate your feedback :)

On one hand, I’m sorry you took my comment personally, because in all honesty, I wasn’t speaking about this forum at all, or you at all. On the other hand, this is no excuse for my using inappropriate language here, and not being clear enough about what I was referring to in my “complaint post.”

Unfortunately, it saddens me that someone I care about a lot, has been in an utmost unhealthy relationship for the past 24 years. She is 72 now, and still hoping her married lover will leave his wife, he is a typical sociopath and will never leave his family.

Given this woman’s age, I can somewhat understand that she would rather not end that relationship and keep on believing his lies, but when it comes to younger women and men, who spend about ten precious years of their lives saying they “should” leave their partner, but…. (they don’t)… then I really feel sorry for them, especially when they do realize they are in an unhealthy relationship and for some reason they can’t leave. Sometimes this reason is financial dependency, emotional dependency, family (children, other family members who depend on either partner) and even social aspects may play an important role.

There’s a wonderful article written by Dr. Joseph Carver that I have translated into Spanish titled “Love and the Stockholm Syndrome. The Mystery of Loving an Abuser,” (there’s a blog about it here too, I think) I recommend people to read it because it explains a bit why people can’t detach from unhealthy relationships.

It is my sincere wish that people can find the means and the courage it takes to end an abusive relationship (regardless of my non-diplomatic manners to complain about those who don’t.)

There’s people like you, who keep getting informed and learning and working on it, and other people, who (for some reason) prefer not to see things as they are (self-deception, etc.)

We all deserve to be loved, accepted and respected for who we are, and that’s what healthy relationships are about.

i do appreciate your taking the time to respond to my comments. in my opinion though, you are expecting people who are currently experiencing abusive situations to be thinking like “complete and whole” individuals. Clarity is 20/20 in hindsight only. perhaps those who have made it out and healed can look back and see — but when you are in it, it is very muddy.

and yes, i am guilty of “hoping” that “things will change” because i want them to, so badly. it takes a LONG time for some of us to come to the realization that it won’t. and it is something you have to do in your own time — if someone bosses you, it feels just like your abuser telling you what to do :)

lynette

I think the “endless rant”, as I have put it impolitely, is a perfectly normal stage for anyone ending a relationship. We wouldn’t be human with normal feelings and emotions if we didn’t react against being unfairly hurt.

But as you pointed out, at some point we reach that stance were we are able to overcome that stage, and do something about our problem at hand.

Unfortunately, some people seem to get stuck almost forever in the “e.r.” stage, and seem to be unable to move forward.

I think that, therapeutically speaking, it is not advisable for any professional therapist to promote or foster behaviors that will make a victim of abuse deceive herself or himself, and get stuck in an ongoing complaining phase instead of helping that person overcome that stage and solve his or her main problem. It is clear to me that ongoing complaining will not solve the problem. But it is, though, a necessary stage people need to go through to process their feelings.

Again, I’m sorry I have offended bloggers and posters with my rude language, that was not the whole point of my post. I wish more people could see when they are about to run the risk of getting stuck at the “complaining stage” and, from then on, move forward in their healing process. Ultimately, it is for their benefit.

I’m sorry if my unprofessional words offended you, but I honestly doubt you are participating or have participated in a Spanish speaking forum located in Argentina, which is the forum I was referring to.

My point was (and still is) that some people deceive themselves thinking they want help to change, where deep inside, they still want their “abuser” to change so they can go on with the relationship. That is exactly what the people I was referring to were discussing on that blog or forum, and -mind me- it was not a professional forum, since it was not run by a mental health professional, but by a self-appointed “expert” on the subject with zero clinical experience.

Most posts were about how bad the abuser was, how much the abuser had hurt the poster, and how much the victims were willing to give the abuser another chance.

Accepting excuses from manipulators -at least this is what I truly believe- will neither help the victim nor solve the problem, but when I stated that on that forum, most people felt offended.

I attended only one live meeting in my neighborhood, and was shocked to see the regular blog posters going over and over the same issues again and again, always focusing on fixing the abuser instead of focusing on fixing themselves.

I won’t post the blog’s address, but the owner lives in my city (Buenos Aires, Argentina) and the regular posters’ meetings take place close to my home, every two weeks or so.

If that is the blog or forum you were referring to, I’m honestly sorry I have offended or hurt you, or other posters/bloggers. That was not my intention. BTW, the date of my post was 26th December, 2008.

for all you know, the people you refer to, and i suspect i may be one of them, may actually (as i am) seeking intensive professional help. i am looking for support. i am voicing many painful things that i have kept silent for years so that i can own it, become aware of it, and ultimately, when i am ready, act on it.

i do not think any of my therapists would use the words “pity party” or “endless rant”.

opinions are always subjective, and i like a good discussion as much as anyone — a hefty debate makes me think and can help me see an issue another way, or even help solidfy my own feelings and choices. i don’t disagree with you there.

but your words are awfully unprofessional.

IMHO

I don’t know how “deep” you really want to go with your question,
“…how exactly does CBT bring distorted beliefs to the surface? I don’t dispute that it does and I’ve experienced it myself, but I’m interested in the mechanism by which this is achieved.”; but here goes.

The human spirit, when released to do so, investigates one’s own “REALITY” and show that “reality” to that one’s mind (a part of the human soul).

Then, steps of CBT may or may not be of benefit according to the veracity of actual fact-truth available to therapist and client.

Well I know that opened up “a can of worms”… have at it!

JDS

I have come across many people asking and looking for advice on emotional abuse on the net, and to my surprise, some of them are actually looking for someone who’d tell them exactly what they want to hear.

Fairly recently, I found a discussion forum on the net about people who do not accept a point of view different from theirs. In my opinion, personal viewpoints are not about being wrong or right, or better or worse, they are simply a subjective outlook and I highly respect diversity regarding what people choose to believe.

Now, on that particular forum, my point of view, which differed from the general point of view of others, was harshly attacked and considered “wrong.”

I noticed the members of that forum were not actually seeking for some sound professional advice that could help them get rid of emotional abuse, but instead, they were using that website as a place were they could throw themselves pity parties and endless rants.

I feel for those who -for some reason (probably ignorance of other type of information) deceive themselves and keep hoping some “magic miracle” will occur.

I personally believe that if miracles exist, we make them happen. They don’t occur just because or through some wishfull thinking technique, but go figure why people keep choosing to believe an easy and magical road will heal their lives and solve their problems.

Thanks again for this thread, very interesting article and information!