Seeing the World How They Want to See It: Self-Deceptive Thinking
Disordered characters often live in a world of their own fantasy, adhering to the belief that “thinking makes it so.”
I’ve been posting on some of the erroneous ways disordered characters think. Prior posts have covered such “thinking errors” as possessive thinking, egocentric thinking, and combative thinking:
- “Egocentric Thinking Patterns of Disturbed Characters”
- “Possessive Thinking and the Disturbed Character”
- “Having to Win: Combative Thinking and Character Disturbance”
One of the more insidious thinking errors common to disturbed characters is Self-Deceptive Thinking.
Disordered characters are prone to seeing things as they want to see them, not as they are. Two of their core characteristics — the ease with which they lie and the resistance they have to acceding to demands placed on them — prompt them to distort the reality of situations. Sometimes they live in a world of their own fantasy, adhering to the belief that “thinking makes it so.” They often lie to themselves with the same ease that they lie to others. They alter their perceptions and distort the reality of situations so that they don’t have to change their point of view or question their usual way of doing things. Their determination to make reality be what they want it to be breeds a pervasive attitude of disdain for and disregard of the truth.
Self-Deceptive thinking often accompanies the responsibility-avoidance tactic of Denial (more about this in a future series of posts): the disturbed character tries his best to keep doing things as he prefers to do them while simultaneously attempting to convince others that he hasn’t been doing the problematic things others have brought to his attention. But long before he uses tactics like denial, the disordered character has generally grossly distorted the reality of situations to satisfy his desire to see the world his way.
I’ve counseled many individuals of disturbed character who initially balk at the notion that they have any real problems to deal with. For example, a person referred for Anger Management Training (which, by the way, I always translate into aggression-replacement training) might assert “I’ve really thought about this doc, and if you want to know the absolute truth, I really don’t think there’s a problem here.” This assertion might be made despite a mountain of evidence presented by those who pushed him to seek counseling in the first place. The assertion might even be maintained despite reviewing a litany of problems in relationships that testify to the individual’s lack of self-control. This kind of thing always raises the question: “Does he simply not see the problem?” Sometimes, he sees it just fine but isn’t really motivated to change, so he tries to justify himself to get others off his back. Other times, he’s lied to himself so often that he has begun to believe his own lies. Then again at other times, he has so twisted and so distorted so many aspects of the realities of his life that it’s really become hard for him to tell what’s real anymore.
One of the benefits of counseling disturbed characters within the Cognitive-Behavior Therapy paradigm, is that by focusing on behaviors that can be objectively verified as an issue, a person’s distorted beliefs automatically become evident. After the person has come to terms with that, attention can be given to the erroneous ways of thinking that led to those behaviors in the first place.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Monday, 22nd December 2008. You can leave a reply below.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/12/22/self-deceptive-thinking/
22nd December 2008
Another excellent post! Am curious – how exactly does CBT bring distorted beliefs to the surface? I don’t dispute that it does and I’ve experienced it myself, but I’m interested in the mechanism by which this is achieved. Is it purely a question of “and is that born out by your experience/what does the evidence suggest” type questions, or is there more to it than that? I’m sure there must be; it’s certainly very clever!!
It’s interesting isn’t it … how can one tell if they are deceiving themselves?
23rd December 2008
Great question Victoria. Another thing, will the disordered individual always have a “default” button that goes back to this unreality, will they always have to have cbt to make it through the many complexities of life? Or will they eventually develop tools to be able to figure out future decisions and realities on their own? How can a loved one of a disordered individual trust this person after years of therapy to be able to accept that they are actually telling the truth and aren’t defaulting to their perceived reality? I know tough questions but they will eventually come up.
26th December 2008
This is a wonderful post!
I have come across many people asking and looking for advice on emotional abuse on the net, and to my surprise, some of them are actually looking for someone who’d tell them exactly what they want to hear.
Fairly recently, I found a discussion forum on the net about people who do not accept a point of view different from theirs. In my opinion, personal viewpoints are not about being wrong or right, or better or worse, they are simply a subjective outlook and I highly respect diversity regarding what people choose to believe.
Now, on that particular forum, my point of view, which differed from the general point of view of others, was harshly attacked and considered “wrong.”
I noticed the members of that forum were not actually seeking for some sound professional advice that could help them get rid of emotional abuse, but instead, they were using that website as a place were they could throw themselves pity parties and endless rants.
I feel for those who -for some reason (probably ignorance of other type of information) deceive themselves and keep hoping some “magic miracle” will occur.
I personally believe that if miracles exist, we make them happen. They don’t occur just because or through some wishfull thinking technique, but go figure why people keep choosing to believe an easy and magical road will heal their lives and solve their problems.
Thanks again for this thread, very interesting article and information!
18th July 2009
i’m sorry but i think on a psychology-therapy-related website, it is rather inappropriate to say that people are using blogs as “pity parties and endless rants”.
for all you know, the people you refer to, and i suspect i may be one of them, may actually (as i am) seeking intensive professional help. i am looking for support. i am voicing many painful things that i have kept silent for years so that i can own it, become aware of it, and ultimately, when i am ready, act on it.
i do not think any of my therapists would use the words “pity party” or “endless rant”.
opinions are always subjective, and i like a good discussion as much as anyone — a hefty debate makes me think and can help me see an issue another way, or even help solidfy my own feelings and choices. i don’t disagree with you there.
but your words are awfully unprofessional.
IMHO
18th July 2009
Hi Lynette,
I’m sorry if my unprofessional words offended you, but I honestly doubt you are participating or have participated in a Spanish speaking forum located in Argentina, which is the forum I was referring to.
My point was (and still is) that some people deceive themselves thinking they want help to change, where deep inside, they still want their “abuser” to change so they can go on with the relationship. That is exactly what the people I was referring to were discussing on that blog or forum, and -mind me- it was not a professional forum, since it was not run by a mental health professional, but by a self-appointed “expert” on the subject with zero clinical experience.
Most posts were about how bad the abuser was, how much the abuser had hurt the poster, and how much the victims were willing to give the abuser another chance.
Accepting excuses from manipulators -at least this is what I truly believe- will neither help the victim nor solve the problem, but when I stated that on that forum, most people felt offended.
I attended only one live meeting in my neighborhood, and was shocked to see the regular blog posters going over and over the same issues again and again, always focusing on fixing the abuser instead of focusing on fixing themselves.
I won’t post the blog’s address, but the owner lives in my city (Buenos Aires, Argentina) and the regular posters’ meetings take place close to my home, every two weeks or so.
If that is the blog or forum you were referring to, I’m honestly sorry I have offended or hurt you, or other posters/bloggers. That was not my intention. BTW, the date of my post was 26th December, 2008.
19th July 2009
I do agree with lynetteb… very harsh words! Your excuses are accepted. I am used to do the “endless rant”, now I am totally over it…
19th July 2009
Hola Marisol,
I think the “endless rant”, as I have put it impolitely, is a perfectly normal stage for anyone ending a relationship. We wouldn’t be human with normal feelings and emotions if we didn’t react against being unfairly hurt.
But as you pointed out, at some point we reach that stance were we are able to overcome that stage, and do something about our problem at hand.
Unfortunately, some people seem to get stuck almost forever in the “e.r.” stage, and seem to be unable to move forward.
I think that, therapeutically speaking, it is not advisable for any professional therapist to promote or foster behaviors that will make a victim of abuse deceive herself or himself, and get stuck in an ongoing complaining phase instead of helping that person overcome that stage and solve his or her main problem. It is clear to me that ongoing complaining will not solve the problem. But it is, though, a necessary stage people need to go through to process their feelings.
Again, I’m sorry I have offended bloggers and posters with my rude language, that was not the whole point of my post. I wish more people could see when they are about to run the risk of getting stuck at the “complaining stage” and, from then on, move forward in their healing process. Ultimately, it is for their benefit.
19th July 2009
mariana,
i do appreciate your taking the time to respond to my comments. in my opinion though, you are expecting people who are currently experiencing abusive situations to be thinking like “complete and whole” individuals. Clarity is 20/20 in hindsight only. perhaps those who have made it out and healed can look back and see — but when you are in it, it is very muddy.
and yes, i am guilty of “hoping” that “things will change” because i want them to, so badly. it takes a LONG time for some of us to come to the realization that it won’t. and it is something you have to do in your own time — if someone bosses you, it feels just like your abuser telling you what to do :)
lynette
19th July 2009
Hi Lynette,
I fully agree with you. It certainly does take time to go through the whole process (and it’s a different time frame for each person) and also, it is, indeed, very muddy when you’re in it. (Been there, long time ago)
I always saw it like learning a whole new foreign language, you can’t expect to learn it in a day or a week, it takes a great deal of time to internalize and organize all the information. It doesn’t just permeate our brains in a matter of minutes.
Each person is unique and each person has their own time to process their feelings. And I also agree that pushing or bossing someone is not the best strategy to make people understand. Thanks for point out my “pushiness,” I appreciate your feedback :)
On one hand, I’m sorry you took my comment personally, because in all honesty, I wasn’t speaking about this forum at all, or you at all. On the other hand, this is no excuse for my using inappropriate language here, and not being clear enough about what I was referring to in my “complaint post.”
Unfortunately, it saddens me that someone I care about a lot, has been in an utmost unhealthy relationship for the past 24 years. She is 72 now, and still hoping her married lover will leave his wife, he is a typical sociopath and will never leave his family.
Given this woman’s age, I can somewhat understand that she would rather not end that relationship and keep on believing his lies, but when it comes to younger women and men, who spend about ten precious years of their lives saying they “should” leave their partner, but…. (they don’t)… then I really feel sorry for them, especially when they do realize they are in an unhealthy relationship and for some reason they can’t leave. Sometimes this reason is financial dependency, emotional dependency, family (children, other family members who depend on either partner) and even social aspects may play an important role.
There’s a wonderful article written by Dr. Joseph Carver that I have translated into Spanish titled “Love and the Stockholm Syndrome. The Mystery of Loving an Abuser,” (there’s a blog about it here too, I think) I recommend people to read it because it explains a bit why people can’t detach from unhealthy relationships.
It is my sincere wish that people can find the means and the courage it takes to end an abusive relationship (regardless of my non-diplomatic manners to complain about those who don’t.)
There’s people like you, who keep getting informed and learning and working on it, and other people, who (for some reason) prefer not to see things as they are (self-deception, etc.)
We all deserve to be loved, accepted and respected for who we are, and that’s what healthy relationships are about.
28th December 2008
Interesting line of thought.
As a psych nurse I work with a lot of people who cling to a severely distorted view of themselves and the world around them. I have found that these people often attract a label (like schizophrenia etc) however if you dig deep enough you can often discern some degree of meaningfulness in what they present. It is like looking for an obscure metaphor which has a meaning for only them.
5th January 2009
I’m back from hiatus and glad to see so many great comments! Let me make a few comments of my own about CBT and the nature of self-deceptive thinking. Because it is a thinking error and not a delusion, and because the nature of character disturbance is different from neurosis with respect to the issue of personal awareness of problem behaviors (I have some prior posts on this subject), CBT doesn’t really help bring issues “to the surface” that aren’t already well-known to the disordered character even though they often do their dysfunctional things so automatically that they barely give them a second thought. Rather, CBT does what any responsible person in any relationship with a disturbed character can also do at any time, namely confront the “distorted belief” and challenge the erroneous thinker to correct his or her thinking. It’s also important to remember that the “B” part of CBT stands for the “behavior” that is always the focus of behavior therapy. So, when a habitual erroneous thinker actually accepts the challenge to change a distorted belief, we want to reward or reinforce that effort and to withdraw support or otherwise negatively consequent any reversion to erroneous thinking or behaving. CBT is really just a highly structured and artful example of how to conduct a healthy responsibility-fostering relationship in which one party holds the other accountable for his or her ways of thinking and behaving.
26th January 2009
Hello Victoria,
I don’t know how “deep” you really want to go with your question,
“…how exactly does CBT bring distorted beliefs to the surface? I don’t dispute that it does and I’ve experienced it myself, but I’m interested in the mechanism by which this is achieved.”; but here goes.
The human spirit, when released to do so, investigates one’s own “REALITY” and show that “reality” to that one’s mind (a part of the human soul).
Then, steps of CBT may or may not be of benefit according to the veracity of actual fact-truth available to therapist and client.
Well I know that opened up “a can of worms”… have at it!
JDS