Having to Win: Combative Thinking and Character Disturbance
Right from the first minute the disordered character thinks someone is asking something from them, they start planning how they will resist.
This post continues our series on the distorted thinking patterns displayed by disordered or disturbed characters. (For earlier posts in this series, see for example “Egocentric Thinking Patterns of Disturbed Characters” and “Possessive Thinking and the Disturbed Character”.)
Disordered characters, most especially the aggressive personalities, tend to view the world as a combat stage. They see most situations as a contest they have to win. They expend a lot of mental energy thinking about the battles they want to wage and stances they want to take against the demands of the world. Right from the first minute they think someone is asking something from them, they start planning how they will resist acceding to those expectations. They’re always thinking about how they will resist and can’t entertain the idea of backing down, conceding, or giving ground, even when it would be in their long-term best interest to do so.
Habitual combative thinking is what primarily leads to the unnecessarily hostile, confrontational, and defiant attitudes that underlie antisocial conduct. The undisciplined, destructive fighters among us are who they are because of how they think about life and the world around them. Determined to win, and finding no value in concession, they end up resisting all efforts to socialize (i.e., civilize) them.
One of the ways I advise people to deal with this mindset is to be constantly on the lookout for win-win scenarios. Because they see life as a contest and always have winning on their minds, finding a way to give them some of what they want as a fair exchange for securing something you want can be a helpful strategy and makes living or dealing with them a lot easier. It should be said, however, that no disordered character has ever matured into a more pro-social being until they have dealt directly with and overcome their penchant for thinking too combatively.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Wednesday, 17th December 2008. You can leave a reply below.
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18th December 2008
“It should be said, however, that no disordered character has ever matured into a more pro-social being until they have dealt directly with and overcome their penchant for thinking too combatively”
Perhaps, but even when they believe they are not trying to win, they act contrary anyway. I hear him say over and over “I no longer want to win” and then go on to debate his point in the same breath. I think it is so ingrained that it may take years to understand the difference between saying I don’t want to win and developing the skills to communicate that they don’t want to win. All I have to do is approach with a need and demand resistance is always there. I don’t understand it, nor do any of my approaches work.
5th January 2009
Great comment. Let me lend a few additional comments of my own. We cannot judge the disturbed character’s true thoughts and beliefs by what they say. Remember, lying – both to themselves and others – is a dominant characteristic of their disturbance. So, just because a person says he no longer wants to win doesn’t mean he doesn’t and it also doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know he doesn’t. A primary philosophy of behaviorally-oriented approaches (the most appropriate approach for dealing with character disturbance) is that we judge behaviors as they are. We don’t focus on or second-guess intentions. So, when a person resists, they’re fighting purely and simply. When people fight, they fight to win. The key to disrupting the game is to not play the game. That is, don’t engage with someone who wants to fight. Withdraw all engagement and leave the door open for a more appropriate encounter. Therapists have a hard time with this sometimes, especially if they’ve been steeped in traditional approaches and can’t bear the notion of denying involvement to a client who has no real desire to cooperate. The art of constructive engagement is at the heart of the matter. It’s HOW you make clear the terms of engagement with anyone who wants to have a relationship with you. If it’s clear in a plain, simple and non-threatening way that support is available to anyone who wants to cooperate and not available to someone who only wants to fight, the nature of the “game” (interpersonal process) HAS to change.
14th January 2009
This article relates to me. How can i overcome this behaviour of combative thinking.
15th January 2009
Good question, b messado! Overcoming the tendency to engage in combative thinking involves accepting the precept that the desire to win and prosper is inherently bad. The problem comes when individuals have a tendency to fight too quickly, too often, and without regard to when winning in the long-run is predicated on the ability to give some ground in the short-run. Good cognitive-behavioral therapy that reinforces these principles and helps guide a person toward to the self-correction of unduly combative thoughts has helped turn many lives around!