Inattentive Thinking and Character Disturbance
Disordered characters hear what they want to hear, remember what they want to remember, and learn what they want to learn.
Disordered characters think in ways that lead to problem behaviors. In prior posts we’ve looked at “thinking errors” such as egocentric thinking, possessive thinking, and extreme thinking:
- “Egocentric Thinking Patterns of Disturbed Characters”
- “Possessive Thinking and the Disturbed Character”
- “Extreme Thinking: Black and White, All or None”
Another problematic pattern of thinking common to disturbed characters is Inattentive Thinking.
One of the early researchers on character disturbance, Stanton Samenow, referred to inattentive thinking as a “mental filter” because he observed problem characters to selectively “filter” what goes on around them, paying attention and heed primarily to the things they’re concerned about and disregarding just about everything else.
Disordered characters hear what they want to hear, remember what they want to remember, and learn what they want to learn. They invest themselves intensely in the things that interest them but actively disregard the things they find dull, mundane, or boring. Most especially, they frequently pay little attention to the things that others desperately want them to be more concerned about.
Inattentive thinking frequently accompanies the responsibility-avoidance tactic of “selective attention” (to be discussed in a future series of posts). This tactic is a more deliberate attempt to “tune-out” someone who is trying to make a point, teach them a lesson, or get them to consider something most people regard as important. Disturbed characters will frequently only half-listen or not pay attention at all whenever they hear something they don’t like. Most of the time, the things they find themselves not wanting to hear involve other people’s efforts to get them to submit themselves to pro-social values and standards of conduct. That’s why this erroneous way of thinking is a major reason disordered characters develop a lackadaisical attitude toward accepting social obligations as well as other antisocial attitudes.
People in relationships with disordered characters often wonder how they can be so unthoughtful. The main reason they’re thoughtless is because they simply don’t concern themselves with the kinds of things most of us want them to be concerned about. At other times, people feel like they’re talking to a brick wall whenever they try to make important points or ask for something they need. The reason for this is that the disturbed character doesn’t want to submit himself to the societal expectations most of us obey and therefore tunes-out any perceived requests to do otherwise. In my book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], I give some direct advice on how to deal with a person who thinks inattentively and who uses the tactic of selective inattention. As a therapist, I use the techniques I advocate in all my work with disordered characters. The techniques can empower anyone in a relationship with a problem character and are absolutely essential to a therapist who wants to have the leverage to promote genuine change in their disordered clients.
Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Tuesday, 16th December 2008. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/12/16/inattentive-thinking/
17th December 2008
Yes, this was the daily experience for my marriage. I learned not to ask for or expect any consideration. I had to be satisfied that I knew who I was that I was good by myself without his approval or encouragement and that I and my ideas had worth, and that my ex was simply”Not all there”.
He was vacant, I was alone in my marriage. Some call people like that, ’sick’ I call them insane.
Good for you Dr. Simon, that you can sit and deal with these people. My hat is off to you.
18th December 2008
I agree. The problem then lies when you want to “call them on it”. They deny it, “I didn’t say that, do that or you didn’t say that, do that” You go in circles and your relationship doesn’t get too far. You don’t grow as a couple and you can’t say that your needs get met. Whenever i forget about a need that I expressed maybe a year ago and move on to a new need, he will then pull out an old need and meet that. That way he can say that he is meeting my needs, even if I no longer have that need. But waiting for a small need to get met for a year or years takes the fun and specialness out of the relationship. I have to fight or give ultimatums. Oh such fun. AND he denies that he fights me.
15th January 2009
READER BEWARE: these profiles are very simplified. People and their behaviors are rarely simple. My husband fits this profile but he has a very different diagnosis. He is a kind, generous, moral and loyal man but living with him is very lonely. He certainly filters what he hears and is interested in what interests him and forgets the things I talk about that don’t interest him. He never takes a hint but if he’s asked or told directly what is expected, he does it. When the first Palm Pilot came out, I bought him one and called it the greatest marital device ever invented. When I talked, he’d make a note and he’d remember and act on it. For the first time, I felt like I was being listen to. There is not much spontaneity which is kind of sad but he IS NOT the selfish person described in these articles. Some people describe Asperger’s Syndrome as an example of the extreme male brain. Try not to throw the baby out with the bath water.
If you’re just beginning a relationship and experience this behavior, you don’t have much to lose by ending it. If you’re married and have children, there SHOULD be a lot of incentive on your part to do spend time learning about Asperger’s Syndrome. You may find you have a child with similar behavior patterns. Then what do you do? Tell the kid “you’re just like your other parent–you drive me crazy, that’s why I got a divorce!” Do that any you WILL find yourself on this website as an abusive parent.
Sadly, marriage counseling invariably makes matters worse because the therapist does not understand the underlying problem.
15th January 2009
Hi, Aspergated. Your point is well taken. I’m only sorry that it was not clearer to you from the post that the phenomenon we are labeling “inattentive thinking” refers to a deliberate and erroneous way of viewing reality common to individuals with disturbed characters. It’s part of a series of articles on several “thinking errors” common to these individuals and a follow-up to a series of articles on character disturbance in general. Those articles make it fairly clear what character disturbance is and is not. They also make it clear that no one characteristic or thinking pattern defines the phenomenon, but rather a clustering of characteristics.
Although there can be secondary character issues present even in Asperger’s syndrome individuals, they are likely to pale in comparison to the issues presented by the developmental disorder. In my family, there are 4 children with autistic spectrum disorders, so I’m sensitive to the need for greater understanding in that area. Unfortunately, there is also a great need these days to understand the nature of character disturbance, which is why I have posted no less than two dozen articles related to the topic. I hope that you will acquaint yourself with the entire series and its overall intent.