It’s Only Natural
Any of these activities that fit feel ‘natural’ to me. When I do things that don’t feel natural, I feel more stressed — with all the implications that this has for our physical and psychological wellbeing. So, it is an interesting question what ‘natural’ means exactly.
My experience, and perhaps yours too, is that some things feel like they fit me better than others. I mean all sorts of things: clothing, pastimes, occupations and groups, to name only a few.
The things that fit for me aren’t necessarily the things that I am best at. In high school, my best marks by a long way were for Economics. It bored me rigid then and still does. I have never felt the slightest inclination to study it further. At university I mostly studied English Literature, for which I only got moderately good marks in high school.
Neither is what fits entirely due to education. I grew up in a non-drinking house — I hadn’t tasted alcohol until I was nearly twenty. I knew that I preferred beer to wine, even though I had never tasted them before — so I wasn’t educated into a preference. Since then, I have learned to appreciate wine more, but beer is still my preferred tipple.
Any of these activities that fit feel ‘natural’ to me. When I do things that don’t feel natural, I feel more stressed — with all the implications that this has for our physical and psychological wellbeing. So, it is an interesting question what ‘natural’ means exactly.
Whether there is any such thing as what is natural can be questioned. When we look at the diversity of behaviour throughout the world, it is tempting to conclude that there is no such thing. The example for me is men holding hands as they walk along. This is quite ‘natural’ in some cultures, but for an Australian male (like me) it would take an enormous amount of change for this to feel natural. (It doesn’t feel natural to gay Australian males either, interestingly enough.)
Yet when I examine my own experience, however diverse the experience of others, there are some things that just do feel natural to me. A lot of my work on my emotions has been tuning in to what fit for me and not forcing myself to do things. This has meant as much unlearning as learning (perhaps more). Listening to my stomach to let me know when I have eaten enough, finding the kind of exercise that I enjoy, even knowing what kinds of people are (psychologically and physically) safe to be around — all this has been more about unlearning than learning.
This process of unlearning can be very charged. There can be feeling of liberation and elation — “I’m finally feel free to be myself!”
This can lead us back to childhood, before all the ‘education’ is done to us. Children’s actions tend to be immediate, spontaneous and fresh. When we can be like this, life can be less of a struggle, and we are less likely to get stuck fretting.
And yet, I enjoy talking with friends (impossible without an education into language), and appreciating paintings, even enjoying wine. All this is the product of education. Human babies are born ‘poorly equipped’ with instincts. We don’t know how to walk soon after birth, and we are dependent to some extent for years on our caregivers. A more positive way to put this is to say that we are the ‘learning animal’. Humans learn and so are quite adaptable — we can live in just about any part of the earth, for instance.
It seems to me that what is natural for us is both voluntary and involuntary. As much as I understand and am good at something, I still don’t want to do some things. I’d rather be a blogger, however successful and well paid I could be doing economics. There seems to be an involuntary component. Yet, when we look at the diversity of what is natural around the world, it seems undeniable that we are also educated into what is natural to us (all the different greeting rituals around the world for instance).
Part of the story I think is how education is done. When people are given enough time and are helped to make sense of what they are learning in their own way, what is learnt can come to feel natural. For instance, it is now quite natural for me to notice mistletoe. This happens spontaneously. I don’t have to try and see it or look for it, I just notice that it is there. This has only happened in the last few years since I became friends with a butterfly collector: butterflies like mistletoe. He pointed out to me what mistletoe looked like. There was no pressure; I was able to ask him whether a particular thing was mistletoe. So in my own way and in my own time I came to recognise mistletoe. When we are pressured into ‘learning’ something we aren’t interested in, I think it is far harder for this to become natural.
I think we need a way to understand this interplay of the voluntary and involuntary in what makes us. The time honoured — and I think very insightful — metaphor is the acorn. Each acorn is destined to be an oak tree, and each human baby is destined to be an adult. In some sense the full development is encoded in the seed or baby. And yet oak trees differ from each other, and human beings do too. The oak tree adapts to local conditions, as do people, with the result that we look different in different places. The culture surrounding the tree or person likewise can affect which potentials of the seed or person are developed.
For me there are some implications for how much satisfaction we have in our lives. We can watch and learn from our involuntary reactions. We can simply note that we have preferences. I much prefer walking to swimming and much prefer either of them to running. This has clear implications for my staying physically fit. We may also learn from analysing our reactions — why we prefer one picture to another, or one style of music to another, for instance.
It will be easiest usually to work with what is natural for us. To learn in a way that suits us, for instance, even if we aren’t learning a subject that we are interested in.
We can gain a sense of the kind of nourishment we need from our environment. We have a sense of what it is that we need to flourish. And, depending on our environment, we can often do something to obtain the nourishment we need.
Living in tune with what fits for us is a recipe for a less stressful life. And we can learn how to do this.
Other articles by Evan Hadkins
This article was last reviewed by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on Monday, 8th December 2008.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/12/08/its-only-natural/
9th December 2008
Great article Evan!
I liked its flow!
Sometimes I wonder if its in the challenge that we seek and gain more in life instead of choosing what is easy for us.
9th December 2008
Hi Diane,
I’m glad you liked it. I think we do seek challenges – the qualification I have is that they arise from us, challenges imposed by others are more problematic I think.
Thanks for your comment.
9th December 2008
Well written.
‘I don’t know, I just like it that way’. Human preferences differ from one to another, due to various factors. I do agree, education plays a big part in shaping us. In fact, even the process of learning makes us aware of what suits/unsuits us. Experiences are valuable, and important to help us finding our true self, and be natural about it. Sometimes instinct helps too, although not always right at times.
9th December 2008
Natural
Evan this is a good topic. Natural is many different things to different people or cultures as you put. But even in subcultures differences may occur. To me the transfer of healing energy is natural, to be able to feel the emotions of those around me has become second nature and is natural to me even though sometimes it becomes an overload when there are too many people around or to many that are ill or in pain. This is natural to me, but to many others this is not.
Natural
Natural is said to be normal,
This same for another may be abnormal.
It is hard for one to define,
When I try and confine Natural to just mine.
Is your or my definition befitting,
Or is one of our natural normal’s slipping.
Can we just say it is shifting?
Natural can be uplifting.
Blessings Sheila
9th December 2008
Thanks Ching Ya,
I guess I too think it is a mix of education, experience and instinct.
Thanks for your comment.
9th December 2008
Thanks Sheila,
Very well put. I’d like to know if you your empathic ability or whether you feel you were born with it. Do you feel that you have developed what is natural? (If you would like to tell me.)
What’s natural does differ at the smaller scale to as you say – from subcultures to individuals.
I like the poem very much.
Thanks for your comment.
10th December 2008
I’m not sure if I was born with it or it developed. I think in many ways we are all born with abilities or instincts that many end up losing. My empathic ability for me has been both a blessing and a curse. I know when someone is in pain, or their emotions become escalated. I use to work as an RN on psychiatric units in the hospital. This was hard. When the unit was full (13 bed unit) I became ill from the clients. I would know what each one was feeling as I passed their rooms at night during the 15 min rounds. I even got to the point of having to ask a student nurse to stay out of the area I was in. He was hyper-manic himself. What I felt coming from him when he was near was a sensation of billions of ping-pong balls going off in every direction at high velocity inside. Another time near a client and somehow connected with his mind. I found it dark, thick like sludge with a mumbling voice in the left back hemisphere. This gave me an idea when a catatonic client came on the unit. I deliberately tried to connect with her mind; I found her mind quiet, peaceful and dark. I tried to visualize a small candle light in her mind and kept asking her to come into the light. I cannot say if this really helped or not, but her family said this was the first time she came out of the catatonic state so quickly, she was a returning client that always came in catatonic. It is a component of her illness. I do know when I do hands on energy healing I tend to have increase in empathic abilities, but when I do not do as much it tones down some. So I see it as just a transfer of energy of one kind or another because each of us have different layers in our energy field and when I use my hands to do the healing on others I am simply connecting with these different layers that work in the boy system. Emotional, Mental, spiritual and others are all layers that can be seen and felt at times.
10th December 2008
Sorry about all the bad grammar and misspelled words. I have trouble with communication at times, when under stress it is worse, but it seems to not come back to baseline more each time. So I know I lose more all time. Long time ago had brain injury and communication is part trouble. Anyhow I saw misspelled and grammar is wrong in previous post. Is bad I see writing and hear speech is wrong when I try to communicate but it is hard to correct sometimes. Anyhow when I post I want to say sorry for this.
I do not know if we can put personal websites in these posts or not. But I have put in place above where it asks for it. There on my site are about 58 other poems I have written. Poems I find easy way to communicate. The site is broken down into Life History Poems – 12 poems, Energy Poems – 10 poems, Muttering Poems – 15 poems, Praise Poems – 19 poems, and Day to day – 1 poem.
One of the first ones I wrote is called Friends: I sent this to many friends and a few responded saying it made them think of a family member, one it even made her decide to go spend more time with her mother who has Alzheimer’s.
Friends
Changing seasons, changing times,
All things change during our lives.
We develop friends through the years,
Some come and go with our tears.
As I change from functional to nonfunctional,
Friends drift and become minimal.
Those that stay to the end of my days,
Those few are true friends in all ways.
Although you have dwindled to so very few,
I am blessed to have known you.
Those that wish to depart,
I still hold you in my heart.
Blessings Sheila
11th December 2008
Thanks Sheila.
For sharing your personal story and the poem. I don’t think the spelling and grammar get in the way terribly much at all.
Many thanks for your comment.
26th February 2009
Hello,
I loved reading what you have written.
Two important things that I caught sight of immediately were:
a. there was such a thing as ‘unlearning’ that sometimes is as important as learning.
b. And the other thing was what you said ‘even knowing what kinds of people are (psychologically and physically) safe to be around’ – interesting you used the word ´safe´ here.
Two questions that emerge in my mind from the above points:
1. How do you know what you have to unlearn as you go along in life?
2. When you find the safe people for you, how do you explain to yourself that there are those who are safe for others, but not for you? I often judge myself for finding more often people who I dont hit it off with, than those I do. How do I tell myself that thats ok? It leaves me wondering if there is something wrong with me for not attracting people to me like moths to a flame.
Would appreciate your feedback.
Thanks in advance.
Z.
26th February 2009
Hi Zarco,
I’m glad you glad what I like wrote. It’s always great to hear this.
Re knowing when it’s time to unlearn. For me it’s when I get frustrated and I’m thinking stuff like, “What am I doing wrong?” or “But I’m doing everything right” or “It’s worked every other time”.
Re safe people. First some of us do just get on better with some than others. We all have different sensitivities. For me if people don’t like me it’s not such an issue. But if they suggest I’m no good at my job then I find this much harder to just let go by.
As to our judgements of ourselves about this. Long-term stuff like this can go back to childhood. Which means getting for ourselves now the nurture we missed out on then. Did you somehow get the message that you needed to be charismatic to be worthwhile. What I mean by getting the nurture is getting what we want in another way. Instead of me doing well all the time I can just do what I enjoy (like having hot baths for instance).
I don’t know you and so can’t really know your situation but I hope these few general thoughts are useful.