Don’t get me wrong, we don’t suppose this is the end of it.

My poor granddaughter will have so many different emotions, both good and bad, and she will be so confused and not understand what really happened, as are my daughter and other granddaughter. But they will get through.

And of course the big worry is how her father will react, but I will try not to worry about that at the moment and just be glad she’s home.

Thanks again Mia from England, UK

Hi Dr. Simon and Mia,

It worked, it worked, she really is back. Found out today.

Apparently yesterday evening she came for an access visit and told Mom, she didn’t want to go back.

Apparently she is not allowed any friends, has been smoking since was was eleven and according to her father she is a coke-head (his words).

Her father told her “You know your Mom doesn’t love you, she never loved you, there’s only me that loves you. You’re Mom’s telling everyone that I’m on drugs, but it’s your Mom who’s on drugs” – and so it went on.

But she was adamant she was not going back.

Is this brilliant or what ???????

Following the court case 3 weeks ago. The first time my daughter went to pick up her daughter for her access visit, her husband came to the car and said “She doesn’t want to come” and my daughter said “No problem, I’ll see her on Tuesday.”

Tuesday came, another excuse for her not coming, but then he said they (him and his new girlfriend) were going away for the weekend she could come then. To which my daughter replied “I’m at work all weekend, sorry.”

I feel sure, he will realise very shortly that she will no longer be party to his sick games.

Mia, How did you manage to remain sane for 32 years?
I gave up after 14, and my daughter after 12, and that was 12 years too long.

And you’re so right you become their own personnal counsellor, you really do think you can help them. Their behavior is so totally irrational and defies logic.

I don’t know if your hubbie was the same, but it’s all about them, feel sorry for them. They never see what they are doing to you, just how everything relates to them.

You say that we must have good counsel, we do now, this site and others like it. My eyes have been opened, and I wish I’d found them years ago. but then again you don’t know what the problem is, you just know there is one. One you can’t figure out.

You know, after 30 years (that’s when I first got with my ex) as I read things on here I recall so clearly. Quite honestly it makes it so raw again, but at the same time liberating, because I couldn’t make any sense of what the hell hit me.

You always hope that one day they will realise what they have lost, get help and change their ways. That one day, they will say sorry and mean it. HA HA.

Reality has finally hit, and that’s so ????? I can’t explain, it’s just all that time wasted on him, and the people I probably neglected while I concentrated so much effort on him.

I’m glad I now understand, and just wish to God I could have put it together sooner. But I’m so angry that he has taken so much of me.

Does that make any sense to you ?

Thanks for the clarifications. I tell you, it was like watching Twilight Zone, or living in Twilight Zone. In the last 2 yrs of our marriage he eventually started verbalizing when I saw we were not on the same page. I had to find out why, so I patiently worked with him to open up.

I had to completely shift my thinking so I could “wrap my brain around” what he was thinking/believing. Shocked is the word, when I found out what he believed about me and his suspicions.

I concluded that I couldn’t be his mental health caregiver, I was his wife and he didn’t see past his beliefs. I feel fine with how things are now, especially since the divorce is final and he knows his kids don’t hate him. He hasn’t lost their love.

Susan,

Wow I’m praying for you and your daughter and gr daughter. It sounds like you have good counsel, maybe your daughter’s ex will wonder about the silence, get bored, feel slighted and then make the gr. daughter go live with her mother.
We can only hope! Keep the faith, Susan! Either way, you have support.

In what respect do you feel that other dynamics are involved?

Thank you for your reply and concern, that’s much appreciated.

My daughter has just removed herself from the court system by asking for a “NO ORDER” and we are now trying to sort this out ourselves, and I’ll explain why.

For the last 18 months we have tried to get through to the Police, Child Protection and the Courts.

But her ex has manipulated all of them (with my granddaughters help admittedly) and convinced them that my grandaughter wants to be with him.

She was 10 years old when he refused to return her from an access visit, and we had no contact with her for four months.

She knows what her father is like, and witnessed him telling her mother he WILL KILL her if he loses the case.

What is a child supposed to do? She said she wants to be with him.

So because she says she wants to be with him, as far as the authorities are concerned that’s OK.

When this first happened I said to my daughter

“What court in the land would give a child to person who as attempted suicide, been arrested for kidnap, has drug and drink problems, a criminal record, and who as made his family homeless twice”.

How wrong could I be? A 10 year old child had full say, and they never even looked at any evidence at all. To say we are angry does not come close.

Although I have witnessed him be violent he has no convictions, as no one will complain to the police.

But we have a plan, whether it will work or not, time will tell.

We think that if my daughter no longer shows any interest in wanting her daughter back – she will no longer be of use to her father – and he will be glad to get rid of her.

This may seem like a gamble, but we knew we would lose the court case as my granddaughter is now just 12 and classed as competent (that’s laughable- she was classed as competent at the age of 10) . By going for the “NO ORDER” at least she will be free to come back if she wants to.

Not to mention the fact, that we were also scared of winning, because we did not know if the next move he made would be even worse.

Just in case your wondering my daughter has a clean CRB check and cares for severely mentally and disabled young men, and her daughter does not complain about her at all to any of the authorities.

So, basically the court and Child propection are making sure she can’t protect her daughter. SICK.

Keep your finger crossed for us.

It’s possible to have both a personality disorder and a psychosis. More commonly, there art “traits” or personality features of an otherwise normal individual that exacerbate the symptoms of their psychosis or make dealing with them and their disease more difficult. In any case, the psychosis and its associated features usually far overshadows personality issues, unless of course the person has a severe personality disorder in addition to his or her psychosis.