64 Responses (16 Discussion Threads) to “Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality”

1. 

   grazce

   41

   5th August 2009

   I have in the last weeks discovered that my former CA husband has been insinuating that I have have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Communicating that message (in this case) in the form of a book he gave our DIL. The book had a single page turned back – the page that details how someone with a BPD mother is likely to marry a BPD – so as to work out their issues.

   I was baby sitting my grandchildren and pulled the book from the shelf as the title was the familiar phrase, “Walking on Eggshells” and God help me the inside cover was stamped as belonging to my sister -in-law. I dread how many others (including the replacement wife) have been graced with this information.

   I have been under professional care for major depression for several years. Never has the subject of BPD even been mentioned. My husband’s mother was genuinely evil person and abusive in every way one could imagine. I believed I had done whatever I could think to help mitigate his pain.

   I am guessing from what I read that the primary issue with BPD is strong reactivity? My reactivity did escalate over the years and I have always deeply regretted that. My therapist asked me if I was highly reactive when someone was not lying to me? Twisting my reality? The answer is no.

   I will be meeting the replacement wife (husband’s former student, who I have met before) in a few days at our grandson’s birthday party. I feel so set up.

   I loved this man for over 25 years, the best I knew how. I feel like I am shadow boxing against these mind numbing betrayals.

   I was curious to know if the attribution of false mental health issues has crossed any paths here?

   Thanks
   • 

     Diane

     41.1

     6th August 2009

     Hi Grazce!

     I have heard and witnessed this many times:”I was curious to know if the attribution of false mental health issues has crossed any paths here?”
     Here’s what I have read about “that a abuser turns it around and plays victim constantly.” It is called co-opting and in a sense part of the crazy-making too. In cases of divorce often the manipulator uses the courts too and anything to re-victimize the “real victim.”

     When you spoke of what he may tell others about you…that is something you really can not control for he will continue to be who he is. Besides you need to concentrate on your own self-care and get detached from him as best you can so limit your time in your gaining understanding at least at some point. I know right now you are trying to figure out what really happened in your marriage.

     Plus make time for a renewel in your own life interests that you may or may not be doing which will help you a lot.
     I hope you take time to give your self quality time in areas that bring you joy and smiles and laughter.

     I know it is hard to have to come face to face with him and her at this party so do your best to be cordial and even make it a focus to not have to be about that part in your days celebration. Maybe keep it short and sweet and move on. Concentrate on your grandson and those that genuinely care about your well being that are there. Focus on your own joy if that is possible for you in participating in this family function. I know it is hard for your pain is so very evident and raw.

     I commend you for taking the time to learn about everything here. I know it has helped me tremendously to find out the truth as best I can.
     Knowledge is power and it helps us to find our own way through a break up of a relationship. So we can deal with our emotions and thoughts and needs and wants and learn to live more freely of the past that did not make sense to us. Just remember also depression is solvable and there are many ways to be guided to a different place (state) than that. Do you walk? Or exercise?

     You are going through a transition and soon you will be able to shift your focus from him to you and what you can do to have a healthy happy life again.

     Peace, Love and Joy,
     Diane
2. 

   grazce

   42

   7th August 2009

   Thank you Diane, for taking the time to write your thoughtful responses and for sharing your experience and insight. Please know that they are truly integrated into this long pathway toward healing.
   • 

     Diane

     42.1

     7th August 2009

     Your Welcome, Grazce!

     Peace, Love and Joy,
     Diane
3. 

   Ashley S.

   43

   11th August 2009

   Hi Dr. Simon,

   I believe I’m currently in a situation involving a covert aggressive personality type and would like some advice. I no longer allow this person to manipulate me; I have discovered that is exactly what she has been doing and avoid her completely. She is, however, close friends with my boyfriend and has been for years and I see that she is manipulating him. I don’t want to lose him to this, but I don’t know how to handle the situation effectively. My initial reaction is to a) dump him and allow him to learn, again or b) smash her face. Nether of those are preferable nor would lead to a productive outcome. Confronting her would only lend her more ammunition to be used against me. Thus far my reaction has been to ignore, but I know in the end she will get what she wants and my boyfriend will suffer for it if I allow it to continue. I can’t beat her at her own game nor do I want to. Any suggestions?
4. 

   Dee

   44

   14th August 2009

   Dr. Simon:

   I could use some advise. Short background: I come from extremely close family, 1 sis, 3 bros, I was golden child, father’s fave, smart, beautiful, gifted…graced with everything. My sister….well, none of the above. Dropped out of school, irresponsible, can’t hold job, average looks, no special talent.

   fast forward: In our 40′s

   My sister lives within driving distance of my parents. My brothers and I live in different states.

   I didn’t realize it until recently, but I think my sister has tried to take my place since I am no longer “home” on a daily basis.
   I have a very strong conscience, she does not. My mother has protected my sister since we were children and has continued protecting her as well as her children who also requires protecting due to aberrant behavior. My entire family – especially me- has kept our mouths shut in situations pertaining to my sister or children’s behavior just so as to not upset our mother or start an argument with my sister. My sister has us all trained quite well.

   I was taught to turn the other cheek and not to lower myself in response to lowly behavior. Furthermore, since our family is only truly together 2 times a year (Xmas and in summer) noone wants to start anything.

   Over the years that I have kept my mouth shut, I see now that it has simply empowered by sister. Now I have so much pent up anger I can’t even talk when she’s in the room because a flood will pour out of my mouth so deep that it will drown everyone in the room.

   My silence has also allowed my sister to manipulate my family members seemingly against me in order to empower herself and “dethrone” me of my “position” within our family.

   I actually love my sister although I can’t say I like her much. When we visit my parents twice a year (we spend most of the summer, and a month at Xmas) it’s impossible to avoid her or her children. Incidentally, the apple, indeed, does not fall far from the tree.

   My parents are older and I don’t want to cause anyone heartache. However, I would like to uncover my sister’s covert aggressive manipulation. I am angry and disappointed that my other loved-ones could be so manipulated by her as to begin seeing me in a different light but she is simply that good at what she does.

   My children are very much like me. We go about our business and do not have an “agenda.” I have taught my children to treat others as they would like to be treated.

   As a result, my sister and her manipulative children manipulate me and my children and I don’t know how to stop this insanity while keeping our extended family intact.

   How do I stop this horrible, cycle and bring back sanity and sense to our family?
   • 

     Lisa

     44.1

     24th October 2009

     I’m getting confused as to which sister is covert aggressive here

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