Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality
The covert-aggressive personality employs a potent one-two punch: the covert-aggressive conceals aggressive intent to ensure you never really see what’s coming; and he or she exploits your normal sensitivities, conscientiousness and other vulnerabilities to manipulate you into succumbing.
Covert-Aggressive Personalities are the archetypal wolves in sheep’s clothing that I introduced in my first book, In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. These individuals are not openly aggressive in their interpersonal style. In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil façade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality. They are devious, underhanded, and subtle in the ways they abuse and exploit others. They have usually amassed an arsenal of interpersonal maneuvers and tactics that have enabled them to effectively manipulate and control those in relationships with them. The tactics they use are effective because they simultaneously accomplish two objectives very effectively:
- The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. When the covert-aggressive is using the tactics, the other person has little objective reason to suspect that he is simply attempting to gain advantage over them.
- The tactics covert-aggressive personalities use effectively play on the sensitivity, conscientiousness, and other vulnerabilities of most persons — especially neurotic individuals — and therefore effectively quash any resistance another person might have to giving-in to the demands of the aggressor.
So, it’s this one-two punch of the tactics: never really seeing what’s coming, and being vulnerable to succumbing to them, that’s at the heart of why most people get manipulated by them.
A good example might be the case in which a wife confronts her husband about not spending as much time as she would like him to with the family. He might retort that he constantly feels as if unreasonable demands are being placed on him by her (casting himself as the “victim”), that he works hard to provide for his family but no one seems to appreciate it (casting himself as the suffering, under-valued servant), and that she never has anything good to say about him and is always complaining (using the techniques of shaming and guilt-tripping). Within moments, the woman’s good intention to correct a problem in family relationships is now framed as a heartless attack on an unappreciated devoted husband and father. If the wife buys into the tactics, she will be successfully manipulated. She won’t see the situation as one in which she is in a relationship with a person who puts his own desires and his career first and his family second. In fact, she might not view him as an aggressor at all and may even come to believe that she is the unjust attacker. She’ll probably relent and remain under her partner’s dominance and control.
Now, as you can see from the preceding example, aggressive personalities that use such tactics to bring potential adversaries to submission are anything but passive in their interpersonal styles. Yet for years many have erroneously applied the label “passive-aggressive” to such behaviors. I wrote about this in a prior post: “When Passive-Aggression isn’t Very Passive”. Furthermore, personalities such as the husband described in the example above are very different from the kind of personalities that are appropriately labeled passive-aggressive personalities. The eminent researcher Dr. Theodore Millon describes passive-aggressive personalities as having an “active-ambivalent” pattern of relating to others. That is, they are very ambivalent about whether to adhere primarily to a staunchly independent mode of conduct or to rely primarily on others to tend to their emotional needs. As a result, they engage in a continuous pattern of vacillation between the two extremes. Ask them where they want to go for dinner and they will tell you to decide. Pick a place and they will complain that they don’t really like it that well and don’t want to go there. Invite them to pick a place of their own liking and they will complain that they asked you to decide. Tell them of another preference and they will be lukewarm to your suggestion. It goes on and on. Therapists who treat passive-aggressive personalities know this kind of scenario well. Their client will pelt them with pleas for assistance. But when the therapist recommends a course of action, the client will come up with ten reasons why he or she can’t do what the therapist prescribes. When the therapist throws up his or her hands in exasperation, the client will wail and complain that nobody cares. It’s a horribly self-defeating vicious circle of ambivalence.
As you can see, covert-aggressive personalities are very different from passive-aggressive personalities, and they are anything but passive. They are very actively aggressive personalities who know how to keep their aggressive agendas carefully cloaked. Dealing with them is like getting whiplash. You don’t know how badly you’ve been taken advantage of until long after the damage is done. They are, perhaps, the most manipulative of all personalities with the possible exception of the psychopathic (alt: sociopathic) personality — the subject of an upcoming post.
Rate this post?
(17 votes, average: 4.71 out of 5)
Loading ...Other articles by Dr George Simon, PhD
This article was last reviewed by on Wednesday, 19th November 2008. You can leave a reply below.
The URL of this page is:
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2008/11/19/covert-aggressive-personality/
34 Responses (Including 4 Discussion Threads) to “Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality”
-
Karen Sinkler21
I can’t believe it - this description absolutely describes my father and the relationship we have had since my Mother died in 1999. I have blamed myself and my husband, very nearly divorcing him. My husband saw what my Dad was doing to me but couldn’t convince me that there was anything wrong. It explains so much…..
-
Karen Sinkler22
Unbelievable. This is my Dad. I have spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I blamed my Mom. I blamed my husband and very nearly divorced him. He could see what my Dad was doing to me but I couldn’t. I just knew I was miserable. My Dad is 86 years old and nearly blind from macular degeneration. My Mother has been dead since 1999. This has nearly destroyed me - now it all makes sense. This article as well as the excerpt from In Sheep’s Clothing has helped me to begin to heal and to understand and to, hopefully, begin to manage this situation.
-
Dr George Simon, PhD22.1
Karen,
I’m so glad you found the book illuminating and that the principles here validate your experience. I’m always heartened to hear these comments and only hope that you have discovered the tools of empowerment for your life that my writings advocate.
-
-
cfangerow23
Five years ago I got involved with a British man who seemed to be the essence of kindness/goodness, but I see now was a Covert Aggressive. I should have paid attention to the red flags which included three previous marriages, 3 very troubled children, being sacked from several jobs in just a few years and starting 2 lawsuits. He had explanations for all of this and I chose to believe him.
I made the mistake of leaving California to make a new life with this man, and even went into business with him. The business was a success, but he still continued to receive disability benefits and refused to pay child support.
He began to pressure me to be his ’slave’ and call him ‘Master’. It made me feel humiliated and frightened. I begged him to stop treating me like that but he laughed it off. He told me it was all just make believe and I was making too big a deal over nothing.
We had unbelievable arguments which always ended with me giving in to him, usually in tears.
I started to feel as though I was losing my mind and slipped into a combination of depression and extreme anxiety. Because I could not stay in the UK without marrying him, I knew I would lose everything if I left. I felt completely trapped. Then I came to my senses and walked out the door with nothing by a few clothes.
Sadly, his attempts to control me did not end there. In fact, they became far more intense. He called and sent emails full of accusations and threats to have me arrested for theft and have me deported for being in the UK illegally (I’m not). He contacted my family and friends to say I took advantage of his illness and his kind generous nature and have stolen hundreds of thousands of dollars from the business. He was very good at making himself sound like such a sad victim!
Six months after I left he brought a suit against me that is still ongoing. His emails to me say that it isn’t about the money but rather that he is on a mission from God to stop me from every conning another man the way I have done to him! I believe that in reality what he wants is for me to be broken because I had the nerve to stand up to him.
OH, I forgot to mention that a year after we split he married a Chinese girl and is living in China.
The suit has gone on for 2 1/2 years. The legal fees have left me destitute and living on the charity of friends. It’s a hell of a way to live. But at least I have my sanity back.
[Editor's Note: This comment has been edited slightly from its original form.]
-
CJ24
Hi Dr. Simon,
What you’ve written here I think, describes my boyfriend whom I’ve been seeing for about 3 years now. My parents do not approve of him and always say that he’s only with me because I’m educated and thrifty whereas he was a highschool drop-out, doesn’t have a good job/or any ambition because he’s lazy and never has any money (spending it on computer games, poker and cigarettes). They think that he is secretly manipulative and is waiting to take advantage of me as soon as we get married or something. My mom has told me that she doesn’t want me to see him/talk to him/keep in contact with him and has said that I’ve changed and become such a b**** since I’ve met him. I honestly think she is upset about it all and is taking it out on me.
In the example you have mentioned, it sounds just like us. I try to talk to him about spending more time together or trying new things to improve the relationship but he always tells me that he’s trying his hardest and that no matter what he does, I always complain don’t appreciate it so what’s the use and that he’s “spoilt” me in the past. I feel that I’m pressuring him, which I don’t like so I try to hold back so we don’t end up fighting, and me in tears. Other times, in the other ‘where to go for dinner’ scenario when you described, he is like that all the time. He doesn’t ever make a decision and says that he’s giving me the choice because he loves me. I just feel that he can’t be bothered.
Recently, he gave me a promise ring, saying that when the time is right, he will ask me to be his wife. I know that I really love and care about him, but am unsure if I’m being manipulated? Have my parents been right all this time? I know that being in it, it’s harder for me to see outside the box, and would really appreciate your professional advice. Thank you. :)
-
Anonymous25
Thank for for putting this excerpt on the internet. I was looking at Amazon.com to buy this book & saw the rave reviews but wanted to see part of the book. I seem to attract this type of guy, trying to talk it out when things “go bad”. I never knew why they didn’t understand me since the answers seemed so simple to me…just do what you need to do to make the other person happy (within reason) to get along. I try my best to think of others & couldn’t understand why I wasn’t being heard when I would ask for something that seemed so simple & would make me happy. I just wanted to get along & be content. I even went to counseling because I was convinced by one man that there was something wrong with me & I wanted to fix it. We still had problems. I am a very caring, giving person, a perfect victim for these aggressors. Not anymore! I am definitely buying your book. No one is perfect but you’ve helped me see that it really can be that simple with someone who’s not manipulative. If both partners have the ability to empathize & have a willingness to have a healthy relationship it can work. These “wolves” just don’t have that ability. I also see a pattern going back to my father. My point is not to blame but to recognize it, learn from it & grow. Thank you!
-
Shari Bullard26
I think this personality disorder describes Sarah Palin. She has a way of turning something completely around to serve her purposes. All with a wink and a smile and wrapped in an American Flag.
-
Amy Macleod27
I have found this explaination of covert aggression enlightening. My husband and I made friends with another couple who have a son in our son’s class at school. We became friendly and all was well to start with. We are spontatious people and we did find them a liitle intense and ridged, but we dismissed these qualities and put them down to being quirky. I work full time and the women friend does not. Gradually and slowly they started to dominate our lives and always wanted to be involved in all we did. We woke to them phoning us to ask what we were doing in our free time and could they join us. They seemed to have no initative and wanted to tag along on our days out. On my weekends off I found that it was me that had my son and her son at my house for hours on end. She rarely returned the favour and if she did it was for an hour maxium. It was never conventent for her to have them. I was alone for 4 weeks when my son and husband travelled to New Zealand and this couple did not come near me at all or ask how my son and husband were, even on their return. They wanted to fall back in to social contact and never asked them how their trip was. I saw them then as users and not real friends. I want to now undertake the advice in the book but find I myself am so angry that I can hardly hide my rage towards them. I don’t care about loosing their friendship but my son would be so hurt if his best friend was no longer available to play. I feel trapped between asserting my rights as an individual and protecting my son.
-
Ang28
I think this describes my husband. We started dating in high school and it lasted 6 years, then we broke up for a few years, and we ended up getting back together. We have known each other 18 years, married for 7. We have two children. I feel like he is manipulating me at every turn. He gets angry when I talk back. Recently, things have gotten so bad…and on May 12th, 2009, he came apart at the seems. He strangled me for what seemed like hours, letting go only to have me recite terrible truths (according to him) about myself. I was gasping for breathe and he still kept telling me how our marriage was until death and he would not let me give up. He threatens to keep my kids, he seemed to feel bad for a brief moment after it happened, and then it was gone, he just kept telling me everything I had been doing to make him feel bad. He had the nerve while my neck felt like it wanted to colapse from the weight of holding up my head, to tell me how hard he has been trying and he feels like I am resisting. He just kept talking and I listened, my head was spinning, I could not collect any thoughts, only listen. Then he walked around the next day like it never happened. When I would tell him how bad my neck hurt he just fed me ibprofen, I am finding it impossible to believe he really loves me. He has been so nice lately, monopolizing all my time, even to the point of making me feel bad when I am hanging out with the kids. He says I don’t know him at all. And I am thinking he is right. I am scared. I don’t feel free to talk it out with him, cause that is what caused the abusive behavior. He has been in and out of work since he got out of the military. I feel like I am soul-less for wanting to leave because of all he has been through, going to Iraq twice. He said he does not want counceling cause he never wants to talk bad about me to someone else. I want to talk to him, but I feel like the lines of communication have been cut beyond repair. When I even think about talking to him about my feelings, my neck hurts and I fear it may happen again. So I just put on a smile and try to keep life feeling as normal as possible for my kids.
-
diane28.1
Hi Ang,
What are you going to do?
Do you have friends and family that can help you?Your life must feel awful everyday.
I hope you keep coming here for your sanity checks and find a way to get away from him. I know its a hard thing to become ok with leaving a marriage but you do not deserve to be treated like that. Abuse negates marital vows is what I have been told frequently. Its not your fault any of his rantings are not because of you at all.
Work to get your self well enough to leave him. Believe me it just gets worse if you stay. Your PTSD must really be hard on you and the fear that comes along with being abused like that is tremendous. My heart goes out to you and I pray you get help to get you safe again.
Best Wishes,
Diane
-
Dr George Simon, PhD28.2
A few hopefully helpful comments. Using displays of rage and violence as weapons of intimidation and control is not the same as anger. Despite all the talk about marriage and commitment being the issue, the reason folks do these kinds of things and then act like nothing has happened the next day is precisely because there is no genuine emotional anguish motivating their behavior, only the disgust of “losing.” Trust your intuition about not knowing what to expect and take concrete steps to ensure your safety. It’s so easy to blame such behavior on trauma, stress, war, PTSD, etc. IIIIIFFFFFF in fact such behavior were an out-of-character aberration prompted by overwhelming emotion, HE would be the first one to be outraged with himself and would be in such pain about what he did to the one he purportedly loves that he would knock down the door of the nearest therapist in town and beg for treatment instead of making ludicrous excuses you mention. Don’t second guess intentions. Judge actions. Limits have to be set and a viable and sound safety plan put into effect. As Ang says, a support network is crucial. That’s because the most risky time is when it becomes clear that “the jig is up.”
The best to you.
-
-
nikhil29
My fiancee is a textbook case of covert-aggressive. She used almost all techniques presented on me and my family. Before reading “sheep’s clothing”, I though it was her insecurities but now I know better. As I read the book, I relived the encounters and see them for what they really were. Thanks Simon.
-
Dr George Simon, PhD29.1
Thank YOU for the validation and feedback. It’s because of such feedback over the years that my work has continued.
-
« Older Comments