Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality

By Dr George Simon, PhD

The covert-aggressive personality employs a potent one-two punch: the covert-aggressive conceals aggressive intent to ensure you never really see what’s coming; and he or she exploits your normal sensitivities, conscientiousness and other vulnerabilities to manipulate you into succumbing.

Covert-Aggressive Personalities are the archetypal wolves in sheep’s clothing that I introduced in my first book, In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. These individuals are not openly aggressive in their interpersonal style. In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil faÃ§ade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality. They are devious, underhanded, and subtle in the ways they abuse and exploit others. They have usually amassed an arsenal of interpersonal maneuvers and tactics that have enabled them to effectively manipulate and control those in relationships with them. The tactics they use are effective because they simultaneously accomplish two objectives very effectively:

The tactics conceal obvious aggressive intent. When the covert-aggressive is using the tactics, the other person has little objective reason to suspect that he is simply attempting to gain advantage over them.
The tactics covert-aggressive personalities use effectively play on the sensitivity, conscientiousness, and other vulnerabilities of most persons — especially neurotic individuals — and therefore effectively quash any resistance another person might have to giving-in to the demands of the aggressor.

So, it’s this one-two punch of the tactics: never really seeing what’s coming, and being vulnerable to succumbing to them, that’s at the heart of why most people get manipulated by them.

A good example might be the case in which a wife confronts her husband about not spending as much time as she would like him to with the family. He might retort that he constantly feels as if unreasonable demands are being placed on him by her (casting himself as the “victim”), that he works hard to provide for his family but no one seems to appreciate it (casting himself as the suffering, under-valued servant), and that she never has anything good to say about him and is always complaining (using the techniques of shaming and guilt-tripping). Within moments, the woman’s good intention to correct a problem in family relationships is now framed as a heartless attack on an unappreciated devoted husband and father. If the wife buys into the tactics, she will be successfully manipulated. She won’t see the situation as one in which she is in a relationship with a person who puts his own desires and his career first and his family second. In fact, she might not view him as an aggressor at all and may even come to believe that she is the unjust attacker. She’ll probably relent and remain under her partner’s dominance and control.

Now, as you can see from the preceding example, aggressive personalities that use such tactics to bring potential adversaries to submission are anything but passive in their interpersonal styles. Yet for years many have erroneously applied the label “passive-aggressive” to such behaviors. I wrote about this in a prior post: “When Passive-Aggression isn’t Very Passive”. Furthermore, personalities such as the husband described in the example above are very different from the kind of personalities that are appropriately labeled passive-aggressive personalities. The eminent researcher Dr. Theodore Millon describes passive-aggressive personalities as having an “active-ambivalent” pattern of relating to others. That is, they are very ambivalent about whether to adhere primarily to a staunchly independent mode of conduct or to rely primarily on others to tend to their emotional needs. As a result, they engage in a continuous pattern of vacillation between the two extremes. Ask them where they want to go for dinner and they will tell you to decide. Pick a place and they will complain that they don’t really like it that well and don’t want to go there. Invite them to pick a place of their own liking and they will complain that they asked you to decide. Tell them of another preference and they will be lukewarm to your suggestion. It goes on and on. Therapists who treat passive-aggressive personalities know this kind of scenario well. Their client will pelt them with pleas for assistance. But when the therapist recommends a course of action, the client will come up with ten reasons why he or she can’t do what the therapist prescribes. When the therapist throws up his or her hands in exasperation, the client will wail and complain that nobody cares. It’s a horribly self-defeating vicious circle of ambivalence.

As you can see, covert-aggressive personalities are very different from passive-aggressive personalities, and they are anything but passive. They are very actively aggressive personalities who know how to keep their aggressive agendas carefully cloaked. Dealing with them is like getting whiplash. You don’t know how badly you’ve been taken advantage of until long after the damage is done. They are, perhaps, the most manipulative of all personalities with the possible exception of the psychopathic (alt: sociopathic) personality — the subject of an upcoming post.

64 Responses (16 Discussion Threads) to “Beware the Covert-Aggressive Personality”

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grazce

41
5th August 2009

I have in the last weeks discovered that my former CA husband has been insinuating that I have have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Communicating that message (in this case) in the form of a book he gave our DIL. The book had a single page turned back – the page that details how someone with a BPD mother is likely to marry a BPD – so as to work out their issues.

I was baby sitting my grandchildren and pulled the book from the shelf as the title was the familiar phrase, “Walking on Eggshells” and God help me the inside cover was stamped as belonging to my sister -in-law. I dread how many others (including the replacement wife) have been graced with this information.

I have been under professional care for major depression for several years. Never has the subject of BPD even been mentioned. My husband’s mother was genuinely evil person and abusive in every way one could imagine. I believed I had done whatever I could think to help mitigate his pain.

I am guessing from what I read that the primary issue with BPD is strong reactivity? My reactivity did escalate over the years and I have always deeply regretted that. My therapist asked me if I was highly reactive when someone was not lying to me? Twisting my reality? The answer is no.

I will be meeting the replacement wife (husband’s former student, who I have met before) in a few days at our grandson’s birthday party. I feel so set up.

I loved this man for over 25 years, the best I knew how. I feel like I am shadow boxing against these mind numbing betrayals.

I was curious to know if the attribution of false mental health issues has crossed any paths here?

Thanks
- Diane
  
  41.1
  6th August 2009
  
  Hi Grazce!
  
  I have heard and witnessed this many times:”I was curious to know if the attribution of false mental health issues has crossed any paths here?”
  Here’s what I have read about “that a abuser turns it around and plays victim constantly.” It is called co-opting and in a sense part of the crazy-making too. In cases of divorce often the manipulator uses the courts too and anything to re-victimize the “real victim.”
  
  When you spoke of what he may tell others about you…that is something you really can not control for he will continue to be who he is. Besides you need to concentrate on your own self-care and get detached from him as best you can so limit your time in your gaining understanding at least at some point. I know right now you are trying to figure out what really happened in your marriage.
  
  Plus make time for a renewel in your own life interests that you may or may not be doing which will help you a lot.
  I hope you take time to give your self quality time in areas that bring you joy and smiles and laughter.
  
  I know it is hard to have to come face to face with him and her at this party so do your best to be cordial and even make it a focus to not have to be about that part in your days celebration. Maybe keep it short and sweet and move on. Concentrate on your grandson and those that genuinely care about your well being that are there. Focus on your own joy if that is possible for you in participating in this family function. I know it is hard for your pain is so very evident and raw.
  
  I commend you for taking the time to learn about everything here. I know it has helped me tremendously to find out the truth as best I can.
  Knowledge is power and it helps us to find our own way through a break up of a relationship. So we can deal with our emotions and thoughts and needs and wants and learn to live more freely of the past that did not make sense to us. Just remember also depression is solvable and there are many ways to be guided to a different place (state) than that. Do you walk? Or exercise?
  
  You are going through a transition and soon you will be able to shift your focus from him to you and what you can do to have a healthy happy life again.
  
  Peace, Love and Joy,
  Diane
grazce

42
7th August 2009

Thank you Diane, for taking the time to write your thoughtful responses and for sharing your experience and insight. Please know that they are truly integrated into this long pathway toward healing.
- Diane
  
  42.1
  7th August 2009
  
  Your Welcome, Grazce!
  
  Peace, Love and Joy,
  Diane
Ashley S.

43
11th August 2009

Hi Dr. Simon,

I believe I’m currently in a situation involving a covert aggressive personality type and would like some advice. I no longer allow this person to manipulate me; I have discovered that is exactly what she has been doing and avoid her completely. She is, however, close friends with my boyfriend and has been for years and I see that she is manipulating him. I don’t want to lose him to this, but I don’t know how to handle the situation effectively. My initial reaction is to a) dump him and allow him to learn, again or b) smash her face. Nether of those are preferable nor would lead to a productive outcome. Confronting her would only lend her more ammunition to be used against me. Thus far my reaction has been to ignore, but I know in the end she will get what she wants and my boyfriend will suffer for it if I allow it to continue. I can’t beat her at her own game nor do I want to. Any suggestions?
Dee

44
14th August 2009

Dr. Simon:

I could use some advise. Short background: I come from extremely close family, 1 sis, 3 bros, I was golden child, father’s fave, smart, beautiful, gifted…graced with everything. My sister….well, none of the above. Dropped out of school, irresponsible, can’t hold job, average looks, no special talent.

fast forward: In our 40′s

My sister lives within driving distance of my parents. My brothers and I live in different states.

I didn’t realize it until recently, but I think my sister has tried to take my place since I am no longer “home” on a daily basis.
I have a very strong conscience, she does not. My mother has protected my sister since we were children and has continued protecting her as well as her children who also requires protecting due to aberrant behavior. My entire family – especially me- has kept our mouths shut in situations pertaining to my sister or children’s behavior just so as to not upset our mother or start an argument with my sister. My sister has us all trained quite well.

I was taught to turn the other cheek and not to lower myself in response to lowly behavior. Furthermore, since our family is only truly together 2 times a year (Xmas and in summer) noone wants to start anything.

Over the years that I have kept my mouth shut, I see now that it has simply empowered by sister. Now I have so much pent up anger I can’t even talk when she’s in the room because a flood will pour out of my mouth so deep that it will drown everyone in the room.

My silence has also allowed my sister to manipulate my family members seemingly against me in order to empower herself and “dethrone” me of my “position” within our family.

I actually love my sister although I can’t say I like her much. When we visit my parents twice a year (we spend most of the summer, and a month at Xmas) it’s impossible to avoid her or her children. Incidentally, the apple, indeed, does not fall far from the tree.

My parents are older and I don’t want to cause anyone heartache. However, I would like to uncover my sister’s covert aggressive manipulation. I am angry and disappointed that my other loved-ones could be so manipulated by her as to begin seeing me in a different light but she is simply that good at what she does.

My children are very much like me. We go about our business and do not have an “agenda.” I have taught my children to treat others as they would like to be treated.

As a result, my sister and her manipulative children manipulate me and my children and I don’t know how to stop this insanity while keeping our extended family intact.

How do I stop this horrible, cycle and bring back sanity and sense to our family?
- Lisa
  
  44.1
  24th October 2009
  
  I’m getting confused as to which sister is covert aggressive here

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