“Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders” Comments, Page 9
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166 Responses (Including 33 Discussion Threads) to “Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders”
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Toni81
Cheers Diane for your comment back -on ya!
Ann – first up I have to say that I am not referring to the first “loser” in my comment – I was “befriended” by another recently, and all the alarm bells went off straight away – being an overly empathic person! I seem to be a target for these people. After getting hung drawn & quartered by the first, however, I have learnt to recognise the “need” of these people.
Thta’s why I looked up this site just to remind myself!Second – your feelings are shared by everyone who has been through this – and it is basically a grieving process. Your world has been turned upside down and your way of thinking distorted over a period of time by a person who has spent all their life manipulating & terrorising people.
I was left with a feeling like you that I was being watched/followed/even phone bugged! for a very very long time. It took me a long time to realise that the after-effects of being with these people last way way beyond their contact with you. Because I never got a “reason” or “answer”, because I couldn’t make sense of any of it – I couldn’t let go. I think I imagined that he was following me, just so I could put a human value on his head. I also imagined he was following me because I could not come to terms with the fact he didn’t care – it just does not compute. Is that why maybe you feel that he may contact you ?
lotsa love,
toni
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Ann81.1
Hi Toni,
Prior to this “feeling”. I didn’t think a whole lot about him. It wasn’t until I received a payment on a mortgage that we both share together and that he agreed to pay in the divorce. I had to forward the bill to him at his new address. After I sent it, I started to panick wondering how he was going to take it. If he is unemployed and/or broke it might make him upset and could possibly seek revenge. Maybe I’m being PARANOID. I don’t know. All through our marriage I was always careful trying not to make him upset because he could get violent and often did. Was your Ex physically abusive?
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Debbie82
Hi Ann and all my old friends,
About the backburner — I never realized how right Dr. Carver was about that until you see how they never give up. I’m the Mom with the 17 year old daughter with the loser bf who was suppose to go to the marines and didn’t make it through boot camp. In a prior post Dr. Carver predicted he would get discharged and would continue to contact her – he still does — either on line or if he see’s her at the beach and even called her a few weeks ago- just wants to “be a good person and be friends”. I’m the one who get’s the feeling he’s going to contact her and sure enough — he does. Seems like every 3 months or so and it’s been almost 2 years since the relationship. She is very strong on her own and dislikes him so much, she never responds to him. This site was the only thing that kept ME strong!!
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Toni83
Hi Ann,
My ex always threatened but never did – telling me he would do except that he knew I would use any mark on me to use an excuse to get rid of him! So no, I didn’t go through the physical abuse as well – just the constant threats that it might happen if I made him mad enough. Sounds like you copped it bad. Remember that everyone has to revolve around them or they cease to exist in their own mind. Show him nothing, tell him nothing, and don’t ever show him you’re still scared of him – the only thing they want from you is a reaction. A positive reaction is better in their eyes, but a negative one is almost as good. Sounds like he is no longer gettting ANY reaction from you which is great.
The fact that he paid a bill sounds like he doesn’t think you are worth manipulating anymore – he has realised he can’t intimidate & scare you anymore. Also, if he is legally obliged to pay this debt he will – because ALL of these people are cowards at heart and do not want to be found out for doing the wrong thing. He’s probably cut his losses and moved on. Stick to your guns, don’t let him wriggle out of any future debts, and if he does ever contact you, all you have to do is show NO feeling, NO emotion, in fact the more ANTI-EMOTION you can pretend to show works the best. If he calls, sound disappointed that it’s him because you were expecting someone else. Listen for a few seconds then yawn and tell him you have been sick recently and very very tired and the doctor said this and then you met someone at the clinic who had the same symptoms and she was really tired as well – maybe it’s a virus etc etc – just bore the pants off him and keep talking about YOU in a really boring whinging way – don’t let him change the subject or talk about himself.
As long as he sees that you have no reaction for him to play on – you have no further use for him. And AMEN to that.
Good luck, let me know what happens
Toni X
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Ann83.1
Thanks Toni. Sounds like good advise. I feel better and I know exactly how I’m going to react if he does call – I’m not.
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Ann84
Well it appears that I’m going to have to take my Ex back to court to get him to pay for the mortgage. It seems odd that he is forcing me to do this considering that it states in the divorce decree that he was agreeing to do it in the first place. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on. If this isn’t paid it will ruin both our credit rating. I should call him to find out whats going on, but I don’t want any contact with him whatsoever. Does anyone know why he would be doing this?
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Diane84.1
Gosh Ann,
My best guest is to cause you trouble and hurt you!
Diane
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Clara85
Hi all, hope you are all doing well. It’s been nearly 8 months since I split with my ex loser.At first I was incredibly happy as I was free to do as I wanted again without having to explain myself or think about him. Now I just feel a bit depressed. I haven’t met anyone new although there have been a couple of fliratious events, nothing has really materialised into anything serious. Unfortunately he still hasn’t given up contacting me. He sends text messages and email messages from time to time , I never respond.
The problem is I am an artist and I have a project coming up in his home town where I also have a house. I am worried about goiing as I will probably see him but I also don’t want him to cutail my career by him stopping me from doing this project, I thought if I inform the police that I may have a problem with him before I go that should cover myself right? I have been advised not to go with a man ( I live in Turkey, turkish culture has this honour thing)so i’m probably going to go with a woman. I am bound to see him while I am there as my project will get a lot of publicity in the local paper. I am worried about how I will react as it will be the first time I will have seen im since we split. I have re-read the site, and know no reaction is the best way, but I can’t help feeling I will probably end up drinking a tea with him in a cafe. I guess the truth is I want to, even though I know I shouldn’t. I really want to be able to go to my house without fear of him turning up and trying to manipulate me back into the relationship. After all he has done, when I actually see his face I may feel revulsion, I don’t know. I just hope he has already got another girlfriend, but if he has he is still trying to hook me , he sent a message saying he loves me 2 days ago. I have spoken to friends about it but no one really understands how stressful this could be. Part of me wonders why I am even going in the first place.I guess the truth is I lived there on and off for 2 years before I met him so why should he drive me away? Sometimes I find it hard to believe the events below happened ( a link to my earlier post when I was detaching from him). I feel like he is a thorn in my side and I just want him to go away.Should I do the project or not? ( I have already declined an earlier project last october because of him). If I don’t doesn’t it mean he has one and doesn’t it mean i have to sell my house and move away from the area?
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2007/12/17/loser-comments-continue/comment-page-15/
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Wendy85.1
Hi Clara!
I remember your situation from over a year ago, and I’m glad you’ve posted here for support again.
I think that if you feel a strong temptation to meet with this man (as you admit), you should simply NOT do the project. You should only go there to do the project if you are certain you can resist that temptation.
Remember, he threatened to burn down your house, and made many death threats! But before I say, “Why on earth would you want to meet with him???”, I’ll say, I know why. In your normal, healthy mind, reconnecting with the old, positive feelings you had for him, and possibly reconciling the situation, feels like a happy possibility. Also, you know the first meeting would be very nice and positive, and would feel very good.
That’s your emotional mind talking. But in your intellectual mind, you know that he is not your friend, that he has knowingly hurt you many times, and that you will only re-start the old troubles if you encourage him.
If you think your emotional mind will get the upper hand, simply do not go there to do the project.
Re-read your old posts, and remember the fear. It’s no fun. And it could be worse the second time around – you could actually get seriously hurt. This man hits you, harms himself and destroys property, and it’s only a small step to grave physical danger for you.
Another point is that, although you have already engaged the help of the police several times, they will get tired of you if they find that you are actually going out to see him, and then calling on them for help. You could easily find that their help is no longer available.
Work is only work. Your safety and well-being should take precedence. I believe it would be dangerous for you to go back.
Best wishes and keep in touch,
~Wendy
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Diane85.2
Hi Clara,
I too remember your story of this man’s abusiveness towards you. I too agree with Wendy that your safety has to be #1. Can you change your email? Also if you do end up going through with this project you might also read the article by Dr. Carver on the Stockholm Sydrome and practise his suggestions on press releases so you won’t get hooked into the past experiences. I think you should consider selling your home if you decide to not do projects in this town. Better to be safe than sorry. He is definately violent and follows all the criteria on keeping you on the back burner. If you are not firm in your feelings and ability to stay clear from him…you should decline this project until you gain enough strength. It is a shame that you can not work freely because of this man but your health and well being are so important. Keep Safe!Best Wishes,
Diane
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Lizzy86
Clara,
You should not have to avoid going somewhere just to not run into your ex, he should have NO CONTROL over you. Make a decision in your mind to have NO CONTACT with him should you meet, not even a single word.. and walk away. Also, I would block his texts and emails so that you do not even have to read them or know that they came in. Each time you have any remote interaction with him, it will leave a dent. You need to heal and get that violent man out of your life. You deserve respect and love, and do not settle for anything less ever again. Dr Carvers check list is a great guide, and there are good men who do not display a single attribute on that list. It is only when a woman meets a loser and becomes in search for explanation do we come to find rationale behind the madness.. and that article by dr carver describes a generic man that we all know. Keep strong.
Lizzy
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Ann87
Hi Lizzy,
Nice to hear from you. Welcome to the site.
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88
Guess I am one of those old timers being a admirer of Dr. Joseph M. Carver as far back as May 2006. Just wanted to thank him again for his writing on Signs you are dating a loser. This was the first I ever knew about them and then went on to learn about personality disorders. Dr Carver I really can’t thank you enough and don’t really know how things would have turn out for my children and I if I didn’t read that on your original site. All I can say is that is has been 3 years of NC (no contact) and we are doing great. Losing the loser in one’s life is a blessing. So thanks again Dr. Carver and it’s so good to see you still helping others see the many dangers whenever a loser tries to connect with us. What do these losers want? They want as much as you are willing to give them and then more! NC (no contact) works and I am living proof of the many blessing it gives to us day again day. Losing the loser at first may be scary at times but in the end you will know it was for the best. The best for yourself your children and all those who are dearest and nearest to you…
So God Bless you Dr. Carver and peace to all of you!
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E P Campbell89
I am astonished that there are so few comments by men on women who display the ‘Loser’ profile but the effects are much the same and all the threats of violence and snowstorm of phone calls, emails and abusive texts are identical, whether it is male or female.
In the case of having dated an Alpha female for nearly 5 years I can testify to having witnessed virtually every single point of behaviour described during the process of over 100 bust ups. The bizarre nature of the extreme reactions to my failure to be sufficiently ‘house trained’ by this woman would be the script of a hilarious Hollywood comedy. Far more outrageous and ‘X’ certificate than any main stream film for the public. Their cruelty and demeaning remarks know no bounds. No sensitive area is out of bounds. No distressing childhood memories too sensitive to be picked at and the scars re-opened with obvious glee.
As good little victims we are told it is all our fault because we, the subject of this tyranny, deserve it and we had it coming for all the evil we have done to them, who have sacrificed everything for us with unconditional love.
Yet why do we perpetually walk on egg shells covering broken glass? Always feel so numb and confused when they’ve lost their temper with us for glancing sideways at a passing member of the opposite sex, or talk for more than 30 seconds to a stranger about a point of common interest. If we are hyper- sensitive to their needs and break off after 20 seconds we are rewarded with, “That’s better. Now they don’t think you are a weirdo. You’re beginning to show a bit of emotional intelligence” (having flitted through several books about the subject 20 years previously…)
The hardest part is accepting the end to any dreams of marriage, mutual emigration to a quiet pied a terre on the east coast of Canada and living an idyllic life surrounded by nature, knowing it was all a hook to get compliance and continue the ‘Me, Me, Me’ game. Child like ‘La La’ innocence and simplicity on one side of the coin and a fire breathing demon from hell on the other, when we step out of their imposed ‘line’. It’s ‘hormones’ or PTSD or because they’re on a diet.
I finally packed up my clothes, records, pictures, etc., a week ago and had former gifts thrown at me (cut crystal perfume decanters, very expensive designer-art fountain pen., etc) and was pushed over my belongings in the hallway as I said nothing and moved them out the front door. Previously I have been slapped and punched in the face and threatened with having her two 6′ 3″ brothers beat me up, or a barrister friend, or an ex-Chief Constable friend, have me slung in jail, etc.
Apart from the above she has always recognised that we have a special, unique attraction that even she doesn’t understand… and she is, of course always going to be in love with me till the day she dies, even though I’m ‘Heathcliff’ one moment and Eeyore the next. Confused… of course not..! Alive..? Just checking…
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Diane89.1
Hi…Good for you! Stay safe!
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E P Campbell89.2
Hi Diane! Thanks for the encouragement. I think that playing it ’safe’ sadly means no contact at all. The slightest encouragement and it all kicks off again as the old scripts emerge from their folders… Civilised behaviour is practically impossible with such a person due to their cumpulsive ‘need to control’ the conversation and situation. An easy going, relaxed tete a tete is never going to last for more than a few minutes, if she hasn’t already got her script well rehearsed, should we meet. On one occasion I walked away after 10 seconds…! :-/
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90
The loser and abusers come in many different sizes and shapes. What sex the loser/abuser is isn’t as important as it is when it comes to identifying the many negative traits is losers and abuser display. Although some disorders like NPD may be more of a male role model and BPD more so for the female kind, the reality is this is just a guildline then a rule.
Because PD hide their disorder also makes it harder to ID so one must be virulent and knowledgeable so that we don’t mistake a new love and then only to find these same traits in them. This can be done when we understand ourselves better and have a strong sense of personal boundaries. Losers and abuses hate personal boundaries so much that this is always the first thing they will challenge whenever they began a new relationship.
So please be vigorous understanding the traits red flags and have good healthy boundary belief system in place to stay safe and away from those who want as much as you are willing to give them.
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