“Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders” Comments, Page 7

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166 Comments (33 Discussion Threads) on “Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders”

  1. Hi Ann & Karen: re: the phone. I think I can top that. I was on a business trip. My ex-loser decided he was jealous of the client. (It was always something). I tried to reason with him to no avail, and to the point of exhaustion. I finally stopped taking his calls. He called 25 TIMES within a 10 minute period. Later that night, he called me in my hotel room and kept me on the phone with his endless rant, from 2am – 4:30am, when I finally hit the ‘do not disturb” button. Why I ever, ever stayed with him I will never know. As you can imagine, things in my life just gradually spiralled downwards after that. Oh, if I could only have those two lost years back. If I could have the very moment when I met him back, I would run far away and very fast.
    Cazzie: lose that person…

  2. Hi all,

    I am going to Houston in a week for 6 months to indefinite. Thought that I had a 6 month to a year reprieve, however, bad news kept getting worse here in Calgary!

    If my “past” circumstances were normal, that is a normal marriage, I would have had the strength of my wife and family behind me. It has been stressful and depressing making fast plans to either sublet or put everything into storage. With a normal marriage, I would either become “Mr. Mom” or be going to Houston and coming “home” every 2 weeks. A week from today I am off to Houston; I have most of my packing done. I will either put in all into storage including my car or get someone to sublet and borrow the car. It is tough but nothing compares to organizing and leaving my wife March of last year. Hard to believe that in 6 weeks, I will be able to put through the divorce papers!

    Reading all your comments has helped to ground me and prepare for the journey; I will miss my friends and the outdoors but there will be new friends to be made along with new hobbies.

    Diane,

    I loved your X-mas Carol; if you are not a writer, consider starting!

    Margaret,

    Getting 20-25 calls early in the morning of a business trip reminds me of my situation. Just before I left, my wife took exception of me working out in the condo gym with 2 “women” also there. My wife left in a hough and called me 3-4 times on my cell in 15 minutes; when I got upstairs, I popped a trank because I knew there would be hell to pay later! Can you imagine what it would have been like with my Asian wife when I went on my business trip to Korea!? What a wreck I would have been!

    Ann,

    I too, was slave to my cell phone. My wife also had the password to my cell; from time to time, she would go through my phone and ask me to explain “unknown” phone numbers. She did the same with my E-mail accounts. 1st thing I did when I left was change all my passwords; it still took many months for me to tell my friends to E-mail me at my “personal” E-mails rather than at work. The phone was easier. I was so paranoid that I started to wonder if my wife somehow left “spyware” on my computer when I did get it back.

    Karen,

    God speed in your recovery. You are showing considerable strength in your comment about going through Chemo instead of being with your nutty ex! Please read on; I hope that you are gaining strength from those whom really love you. A thought… I lost my father 5 years ago; I stayed with my mother in my home city for about a week. Relatives and friends came over to comfort us, we had morning and evening prayers. I was surrounded by love. I felt guilty somewhat because I felt good to be around so much love and away from my 1st wife; she did come to the funeral but drove my in-laws back to their city. My religion discourages the bereaved from leaving their home other than for prayer during the initial 1 week mourning period. My wife took exception when we asked her to take a cab when she came back into town, in hough she didn’t come back; she expected me to pick her up. I sure could pick them couldn’t I!?

    All,

    Life is all about experience. They say that the 1st half is for learning and the 2nd for living; looks like I have a long life ahead of me! Just kidding! My last marriage including the brief courtship period was all of 2 years. If I was stronger before, I may be with someone healthy today; no matter, the marriage was not a complete disaster as I am no longer needy. I am turning down “fix-ups” by professional women with professional women; I am not emotionally ready yet! Note that becoming healthier, less needy and after time, not a victim starts to attract healthy individuals… NOTE THIS!!! I am now far removed from spectre types like my 1st and 2nd wives.

    Wish me luck on my new assignment!

  3. Morris – I think you are so lucky to be going off on a new journey, a new adventure. One is never quite the same after a relationship with a “loser”…it changes you in the most fundamental way. It takes away your innocence, the simple idea that you be trusting, that you can take love and the person who seems to be offering it, at face value. That you can always see the good in others. But there are positive changes too…heightened self-awareness, sensitivity to others, a greater understanding and appreciation for the real meaning of love, and also, learning whether you yourself are capable of giving and receiving it. It a sad, hard way to learn those things, but the lesson is there for the learning. So enjoy your new life in a new place, where you can also be someone new… and free and happy.

  4. Hi Morris,

    Thanks for the compliment!!!

    Have a great time in Houston! May your journey be blessed! Stay in touch will you?

    I loved what Margeat wrote: But there are positive changes too…heightened self-awareness, sensitivity to others, a greater understanding and appreciation for the real meaning of love, and also, learning whether you yourself are capable of giving and receiving it. It a sad, hard way to learn those things, but the lesson is there for the learning Keep that thought deepening your understanding of love… and compassion.

    Best Wishes,
    Diane

  5. Hi Christina and all,

    I am wondering how all the court hearings went in January?
    How are you doing?

    Hope everyone is having a better days.
    Diane

    1. Diane-

      Thank you so much for asking! Unfortunately, the trial date has been pushed back to mid-March and it looks like it is going to be pretty contentious. I am feeling a little stronger lately and coming to terms with the abusive nature of the relationship. For a time I think I was more focused on the underlying personality disorder that my stbx has but now I am finding that what is most relevant is that he is an abuser, plain and simple.

      The lies, distortions and misrepresentations of events has been pretty disgusting during the recent beginning of the divorce process, never mind the projections and pervasive blaming. He takes no responsibility for anything and still has not made any contact regarding the baby. I have come to the point where, while I am completely repulsed by him as a human being, I think he is a sick and evil man who has no business being a parent. I know now that is the reality, and that I have to give up that dream that I was mourning…

      I am doing my best now to create a good life for me and my daughters that is free from power struggles, control and abuse..

      How are YOU doing?

      Christina

    1. Hi Ann: my ex loser FINALLY moved cross country, florida to california, because he couldn’t find someone to live with (at 50, being a charming, good-looking loser with no money, no home, no car, may not be as good a “rap” as when you’re younger). After he got there he kept sending “love emails” but frankly, he was probably sending them to 10 other women, as well. As Dr Carver says, “baiting the hook to see who will bite”. He is living with his mother, but I’m sure he working hard to find another “mark”. What is important is that I am finally, permanently free. He doesn’t have the money to come back here. For me, I am focused on my business, my livelihood, my life and my neglected friendships. That is job 1. But I had a date with a lovely, stable, substantial man the other night and today opened my door to a lovely orchid! Trouble is, he doesn’t make me laugh. But the point is: there is life…after death.

    2. Margaret-

      Things sound good! I think it is so important to create new memories and, yes, that there is life after the destructive relationship with a loser…

      How nice to have received an orchid…I love orchids!

  6. Hi Ann & All,

    Life is good. Thanks for asking. Hope things are proceeding well for all of you.

    Best wishes,
    ~Wendy

  7. Hi again,

    I’ve just noticed that the “comments” box now has a counter on it to tell you when you’ve reached 3000 characters. That’s just over 500 words in most cases.

    When I posted my initial account, it was 3300 words (I just checked). Yes, it is among the longer ones, but certainly many people who write a full description of their experiences need more than 1000 words.

    I have never seen any complaints here about the length of posts. Longer posts, for those who feel up to writing them, allow us a full picture of their situation. People who come here to ask for help and advice are upset enough without feeling they have to edit their posts for length. Why the character-counter? Can we remove it?

    How do the others here feel?

    ~Wendy

    1. Hi Wendy,

      I appreciate your feedback on this, and I’d like you to know that we pay lots of attention to what our readers tell us; we also keep all of these sorts of things under ongoing review.

      I do understand that folks would find it easier to write a full description of their experiences if they could write 1000, 2000, 3000 words or more.

      At the same time, I hope you’ll understand that the main aim of the comments section on any given post is to offer a chance for readers who would like to do so to make comments on that post. (On most parts of the site, we actually remove comments which are ‘off topic’ — i.e., which do not address the post itself.) We also find that many users feel discouraged from participating when they find comments left by other readers that number into the thousands of words.

      For this particular series of posts — about Dr Carver’s article on ‘relationship losers’ and personality disorders — we’ve stretched the original purpose of the comments section quite a bit, allowing many comments that do not actually address the post itself. Many folks don’t comment about Dr Carver’s article at all, but rather use the space to communicate with one another instead. I am happy to enable our readers to do just that, and to continue to use these threads to connect with one another and to comment on one another’s experiences.

      Counterbalancing that ‘special case’ nature of these threads, and my willingness to enable folks to use them in ways that we don’t permit in other areas of the site, however, I hope you’ll understand that we’ll still be keeping the same overall length limit in place that we use on the other areas of the site.

      Thanks again for your feedback on this.

      All the best,
      Greg

  8. Hi Dr. Mulhauser!

    You and Dr. Carver do a GREAT job with this forum! I know it has developed into a bigger thing than you originally visualized – and you’ve kept the junk out and the quality up.

    Although the original structure of this blog was to provide a place for comments on Dr. Carvers “Loser” article, it has developed into a forum where we all share our experiences.

    I still fear that the 3000-character limit may result in posts which we eagerly read, but which run to two or three entries in order to include all the relevant details. It might be worth considering upping the limit – but you know best, as most of us never see what you weed out.

    Again – thanks for all your work – we really appreciate it!

    Best wishes,
    ~Wendy

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