“Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders” Comments, Page 4
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166 Responses (Including 33 Discussion Threads) to “Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders”
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Wendy31
Hi Christina!
Sounds like you are doing all the right things for yourself and your daughters. Most of the folks here have gone through the same process of turning their heads inside out trying to make sense of the behavior of these people. But reason and sense do not apply here.
I went through many of the feelings you describe – especially the part about trying to find some meaning in the whole experience. Well, it does have meaning, as all events in our lives do, but in a sense you are still in the middle of it (recovering), so its personal meaning for you will take some time to reveal itself.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a diagnosis that likely fits the majority of the “exes” discussed on this site. New research suggests that in people with this behavior pattern, the brain does not react to emotional situations the same way it does in most of us – that, in a sense, emotional content is understood, but not felt or connected to feelings such as empathy.
As Ann mentioned, if things do not seem to be getting better, perhaps using an antidepressant medication, along with counselling, would help.
And keep posting and reading here! Finding this forum and realizing I was not the only one ever to fall into such a situation helped me immensely in 2007.
Best wishes,
~Wendy
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Diane32
Christina,
Hi again! Seems we are writng and responding at the same time to the posts.
You stated:
“I also need to keep reminding myself that a person that loved us would never have treated us in such a way, that he is not capable of love…”Keep that one up it is so empowering and true.
I am so glad you and your girls are doing counseling weekly!
Is there any way you can get a break for you? Get some needed self-nourishing time on a regular basis. A family member or friend to babysit? Or just give yourself permission to take a nap or “calgon bath” when the babies sleeping. I know sometimes we can’t always get the ideal but we can get creative on ways to break and rest and recharge from family responsibilities. So we shine brighter when we’re with them.
Your so right its harder when we are drained and tired or overwhelmed or sick.
Hope you find a way to recharge…
Diane
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margaret33
I agree that an anti-depressant may give you tremendous relief. I too went through the “what ifs” and the emotional memory, over and over and over again until I thought I would lose my mind. Thoughts of him and the craziness and the sadness and disappointment and confusion were there, morning noon and night, no matter what I was doing. They never turned off. I finally went on wellbutrin and I cannot tell you what a relief it was. Getting the “gerbil off the treadmill in my mind” gave me the clarity (and sleep) I needed to sort my feelings out reasonably and find renewed interest in my life…life was not controlled by thoughts of my ex and “what happened and what if and wish was”. I could finally put things in perspective. I could give myself a break. I could see and accept “what was”.
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Ann34
Hi Everyone,
Christina, how is everything? Hope things are going well for you.
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Christina35
Hi everyone…thank you for writing Ann-
Wendy, Diane, Margaret-
I was actually just thinking of posting here yesterday. I had been doing better for a couple of weeks. Perhaps it is emotional memory, but as different legal issues with respect to the divorce come up I just seem to fall back into the same despair and disbelief. Right now my ex it seems is going to stop working (so I have heard through the grapevine) so he doesn’t have to pay child support. It just seems malicious on his part after everything- I mean isn’t kicking us out bad enough? Now he can’t even be bothered to help support his own baby. Not that he intends to see her or anything. The continued lack of decency still continues to shock me and I am not sure why. Perhaps because on a certain level I don’t want to face the fact that I loved someone who is inhuman.
Anyhow, my girls are doing OK. My extended family has been making more of an effort to spend time with them. I also have job prospects which I am hopeful about; it will be a real relief when one of these pans out…I have a doctor’s appointment this week and I may look into the option of an antidepressant…
Hope everyone else is well…
Christina
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Ann36
Christina,
I am happy to hear from you. Believe it or not you sound better.
Don’t worry about your ex quitting his job, he still has to pay child support. He may think if he doesn’t work he doesn’t have to pay, but that’s not true. The courts cannot force him to work, but they can force him to pay. If he doesn’t he could go to jail for nonsupport. They think like that old saying, “You can’t get blood out of a rock.” I think, “You can get blood out of a rock, you just have to squish the bug hiding underneath it.”
What ever you do, don’t give up that fight.
I’m glad that you are considering antidepressants, I think they will help you with sorting things out.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you on those job prospects.
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margaret37
Hi Christina – It was kind of Ann to touch base with you.
Wow, think about the character of a man who would rather quit his job than take care of his child. The very thought is disheartening beyond words. That is not a man…by any stretch of the imagination.
Think about the holidays and devote yourself 100% to creating joy and laughter and security for your children. This should be a magical, carefree time for them. There is nothing more important or noble you could do, in spite of how shaky you may be feeling. He is a weakling and a jerk. Worse yet, he is mean…and headed for a lifetime of sorrow. Sad but true. You and your little family deserve so much more, and if you can be strong, eventually, you will have it.
I don’t know your faith, but mine is christian/catholic, so I’ll just say Merry Christmas, and leave you to translate the meaning of that to love and hope and peace. A year from now, life will look so much better. I promise you.
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Wendy38
Hi Christina!
Yes, you do sound better!
On the matter of having to face the fact that you “loved someone who is inhuman”, well, let yourself off that hook. You kissed a toad!
We all know how it is. There’s nothing “wrong” with you for having done it. And now you have better toad-radar.
Best wishes,
~Wendy
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Morris39
Hi there,
Let’s try this again….
I like the way Microsoft puts it’s “window” toggle so close to my left hand; push it and you lose everything you write!
Well, I have been away from the site for the past 6 weeks; 6 weeks of worry and interviewing for work. I am safe for now if you can call “probable” full time work for 6 months to a year safe. Still, this is much better than half the engineers in Calgary by February this year. I did go for interviews in the US but felt that it would be best to ride out the war here.
I bring this up because, unfortunately, this is the 4th war since I have graduated. I have learned with each setback better tactics for survival. At times like this, you either need a good and strong partner or best off being alone. As I said before, we attract “loser” types for whatever reason.
My 1st “recession”, lost my job (depression) right out of school, no girlfriend whatever; took years to recover and get decent work but never recovered emotionally. My 2nd “recession”, I was better this time, however, still lost my job, home and life savings but got a new job in a few months and rebuilt quickly; I had a girlfriend at the time with a personality disorder, she had a mental breakdown and went back to her family in China. With the 3rd go-around, again lost my job but was much better prepared; well entrenched savings. I was married at the time; my wife had “issues”, many of Dr. Carvers list. My wife turned on me shortly after I was laid off, she was sick all the time, blamed me for “causing” her to quit her job shortly after we were married.
This is my 4th world war… I am much better prepared than ever. 9 months ago, yes it has been 9 months, I walked out on my loser abusive wife and settled with her financially. Yes, this is the same wife (my 2nd) whose previous husband had a complete breakdown, lost his law practise, business and all his money; most important, he lost his mental and physical health. In two months I have watched a robust economy turn down; half of my company will be out of work in February with similar results at other engineering companies here.
Today, I am alone and thank God for that. My friends and family remind me of my soon to be ex wife and what it would have been like to still be with her; I would have had a nervous breakdown, been suicidal. For sure, I wouldn’t be financially solvent with her spending habits. I try to councel younger engineers that are either about to lose their jobs or are worried about the future. Many of them, men and women, are married but in solid marriages; I really wanted to bring this up, solid relationships. No matter, together they will weather the storm. I wish that I had someone to lean on, however, after two wrong marriages, I now realize that being on my own is better than being torn apart by the wrong “loser” partner.
I have a compressed disc in my back, very painful. Probably aggravated by the stress, me doing stupid lifting and the -30°C weather we have been having! Work is depressing but I have been through worse. I go home in pain, it is abating; take public transportation in the freezing cold and go home to my apartment, alone. I no longer have my fancy condo and beautiful but borderline wife.
I lie down on my sofa, take a painkiller and remember my 1st bad incidence with my 1st wife. This was the 1st time my back really went out; I had to go for several painful injections. I was out of work, lying on my back trying to relax. My wife was freaking out because we were both out of work; she started to scream at me for allowing this to happen. She was angry that we were renting and didn’t have a home (a mortgage where real estate was going down), children (she had endometriosis, we didn’t have relations for 6 months (this was my fault and caused by my job instability) and of course, me being out of work. We were financially fine but still lovely going through this at this time. I went to a divorce lawyer shortly after this fight; there were many more and in increasing frequency. I tried to hang in the “marriage”; eventually got a great job out here but she didn’t want to leave her mother in her home town. So, for getting good work, her quitting her job, her abusing me verbally for 2 years, I got to pay her 40K in alimony, she got to keep the marital assets and I got the marital liabilities!
Wife #2 would have been worse; I learned my lesson though with wife #1. Like I said, I go home alone in the freezing cold to my apartment, in pain but get to nurture myself. I call up my friends, many whom are out of work, many that are worried about their jobs. I consol my out of work friends; they will always have a place with me. Get support from all my friends about my situation.
I fall asleep on the sofa and have a hellish nightmare; I am still married, laid off with my emotional problems and broke. I wake up startled, realize it was just that, a bad dream. My back is slowly healing. I have a job for probably 6 months and am more marketable now in my old age, no money worries; I have better street smarts. I look forward to Christmas with my friends.
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Diane40
Hi Morris,
Is that what that button is called? I hate that when that happens too!
Nine months? WOW!!!
Glad you are doing well!
This economy is really hard and adds to all the stress.
Sorry to hear about your back injury. It always makes everything harder when we don’t have our health at 100 percent. Keep up with your pain medications to help alleviate that. Get your-self a massage for Christmas!!! That will help put a big smile on your face!
Merry Christmas!
Diane
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