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166 Comments (33 Discussion Threads) on “Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders”

  1. Hi everyone,

    I haven’t posted in a while. It seems like things were getting better but now I feel just as badly as I did 4 months ago when my ex essentially discarded us (my 2 older daughters and baby and I). Perhaps it has to do with the fact that the only contact he has made (I know that ‘no contact’ is best but in this situation it is complicated because of our daughter)was an email that his lawyer clearly had him write that very vaguely stated his intent at some point to have a relationship with her if his finances permitted it. When I read it I knew that he was sending it just so he wouldn’t look like a complete ‘loser’ in court. There was no feeling, no concern, nothing…

    Perhaps unrealistically I thought after some time there would be some remorse, an apology. It would make it easier to move on. My mind knows that this is unrealistic but my heart still doesn’t ‘get it’. Also, he has been completely unfair in the divorce proceedings even after how he treated us. Literally adding insult to injury. If we don’t settle out of court I will have a trial across the country where he is at the end of January.

    Does anyone have any advice as far as moving on emotionally? I have tried some of the emotional memory suggestions but don’t seem to have much success with it. I just feel so drained from the experience and it doesn’t seem to get easier. I have three girls to take care of and I wonder much of the time lately where the emotional energy is supposed to come from. Under a different type of breakup I don’t think I would feel this way, but this just seems to have taken everything out of me.

    Christina

  2. Ann,

    You made me laugh so much.

    Boy, I totally relate to that one. Maybe one day they will invent just that a doggy cooking kitchen room addition. And a trainer for the first month. And save us all from them.

    I guess it doesn’t matter if they are blood relations since it happens in my home with their very own father. Quite frankly it seems it doesn’t matter who the person is… The wedging is done in every place you have a relationship with anyone or for that matter with anything you give time to.

    How often that thought of don’t talk came into my mind as well.

    Gosh Debbie that’s awful to project that onto your son. Though I don’t think it was about being homophobic. More like just one way to make your son feel uncomfortable about being close to his mom. By insisting its unmanly to be that and to insist any connection with you makes him less of a man so he could control him and you. And keep the tension going on. It would seem easy to me to use that for a wedge. The more I think of it. I guess it could be viewed as homophobic. My husband does all kinds of behaviors similar to that. Actually most comments were directed at me in reference to girlfriends I have. How sick is that! I remember talking to my counselor about that. A correlation to jealousy and homophobia now that you mention it. Now I think its more about squashing any goodness anyone has so to increase tension and knocking everyone else off balance so he’s in control and everyone else is uneasy.

    They sure are wired in a way I wish I did not have to learn about or even consider. It’s all so sikening to me. But you have to learn to gain clarity of all the experiences that happened. So to lessen the tolerance for it.

  3. Christina – I felt sad when I read your post but also realize that you have not accepted reality. You are still expecting him to be human…to feel the way normal people feel. Go back a few posts and read Dr. Carver’s email…they DO NOT FEEL. It is almost impossible to process this. But if you cannot comprehend it emotionally, try to accept it as a simple but cruel fact of life. You are making yourself suffer. It was terrible bad luck for you to meet this guy, but you did. Now you must move as far away from him emotionally as possible. He is an unfeeling creature. Feel your grief and pain. Accept “defeat”. This is bigger and more complex than anything you could have anticipated when you fell in love. Someone you wanted to love is simply “bad”. If you are honest with yourself, were there no red flags when you met him? Think back…and there you have it. Until you accept this, you and your children will be vulnerable to him. Read the last few posts. At the very least, children should NEVER have to suffer as a result of these losers.

  4. Hi Christina,

    I have the same struggle too. Accepting the two realities! Mine and the abuser’s. Have you read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship?
    Or do you read the blogs here at this site. He’s (Dr. Simon) discussing in depth the differnt aggressive personalities that exist in these character disordered people. He has been also talkng about the fact of why its so hard for us all to get that these people are so different from us. Conceptualizing the existence of these very destuctive types of people really do exist. And that is basically the key to our having success at seperating emotionally from them. I think a BIG part of it is getting passed the fantasy of what is real and what is could be or should be that really isn’t possible because these pathologies that are most likely to never change. That we have been accustomed to clinging to, to survive in it. Does that make sense to YOU? Our clinging to mutually beneficial realities and their inabilty to have remorse because our pain is not a motivation to them and their reality.Yesterday I kept saying that over and over to myself. The words Dr. Carver wrote about backburner. And the words Patricia Evans writes in her book. Pain is not a motivation. It’s not even considered. That is harsh but the truth of their personalities. They are not like us….And even if they have some conscious about it, it isn’t enough to propell the change on any healthy level. Usually there are overlapping aggressive forms involved to make that even more unlikely. Its been too deeply ingrained in them.

    In the Book I suggested it talks about the two different Realities so it reinforces Dr. Carver’s work here. And just reiterates that this is not about “love and caring” for another person. The whole dynamic of the relationship from the abuser’s point of view is narcissitic and about power and control. None of it is from our perspective of mutually beneficial. And without Personal Power (self-esteem) she calls it you have a harder time seperating from it. Because all their actions really serve in one form or another to undermine that very thing. Its about POWER OVER you and your daughter when she becomes old enough to be entangled in it. You have the father-in-law to contend with also. Since he is doing that to him, your soon to be ex.

    You are experiencing your emotional memories when it feels just like two years ago. Keep working on that with the tools from Dr. Carver. Since there are fourteen try a different one out maybe that will help you. And keep using them. It takes a while to undo such a huge trauma like the one you went through. And clearly your response is normal. Anyone would be devastated by all of that. It was horrible.

    And all the reasonable and good thoughts you have in the thinking about it are normal too. The only thing is that you are “RIGHT” its unrealistic because it would take a healthy person to give you that. And you are not dealing with a healthy mindset or a healthy person. Period and all the wishful thinking is not going to change him into another being. Someone kind isn’t going to sprout up because of distance or a child or for any reason. That sucks doesn’t it? But that’s what the “Experts” keep tyring and hoping they can get through to us so we can seperate emotionally.

    Someone said to me here… Stop! Stop trying to rationalize the irrational. It’s a draining way to spend your time. It’s not useful.
    It’s not productive. It’s not going to help you or anyone. Your only helping the abuser work when you do that. Doing his work for him.

    I hope something I said here has helped you. Keep reading here, Christina. Don’t stop that. Keep posting here to gain clarity.
    And know nothing you can say or feel is wrong when you do the posting here. Everyone understands this all too intimately. Everyone has experienced what you are experiencing. Keep getting support.

    My heart goes out to you, Christina.
    Daine

  5. Hi Christina,

    I have the same struggle too. Accepting the two realities! Mine and the abuser’s. Have you read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship?
    Or do you read the blogs here at this site. He’s (Dr. Simon) discussing in depth the differnt aggressive personalities that exist in these character disordered people. He has been also talkng about the fact of why its so hard for us all to get that these people are so different from us. Conceptualizing the existence of these very destuctive types of people really do exist. And that is basically the key to our having success at seperating emotionally from them. I think a BIG part of it is getting passed the fantasy of what is real and what is could be or should be that really isn’t possible because these pathologies that are most likely to never change. That we have been accustomed to clinging to, to survive in it. Does that make sense to YOU? Our clinging to mutually beneficial realities and their inabilty to have remorse because our pain is not a motivation to them and their reality.Yesterday I kept saying that over and over to myself. The words Dr. Carver wrote about backburner. And the words Patricia Evans writes in her book. Pain is not a motivation. It’s not even considered. That is harsh but the truth of their personalities. They are not like us….And even if they have some conscious about it, it isn’t enough to propell the change on any healthy level. Usually there are overlapping aggressive forms involved to make that even more unlikely. Its been too deeply ingrained in them.

    In the Book I suggested it talks about the two different Realities so it reinforces Dr. Carver’s work here. And just reiterates that this is not about “love and caring” for another person. The whole dynamic of the relationship from the abuser’s point of view is narcissitic and about power and control. None of it is from our perspective of mutually beneficial. And without Personal Power (self-esteem) she calls it you have a harder time seperating from it. Because all their actions really serve in one form or another to undermine that very thing. Its about POWER OVER you and your daughter when she becomes old enough to be entangled in it. You have the father-in-law to contend with also. Since he is doing that to him, your soon to be ex.

    You are experiencing your emotional memories when it feels just like two years ago. Keep working on that with the tools from Dr. Carver. Since there are fourteen try a different one out maybe that will help you. And keep using them. It takes a while to undo such a huge trauma like the one you went through. And clearly your response is normal. Anyone would be devastated by all of that. It was horrible.

    And all the reasonable and good thoughts you have in the thinking about it are normal too. The only thing is that you are “RIGHT” its unrealistic because it would take a healthy person to give you that. And you are not dealing with a healthy mindset or a healthy person. Period and all the wishful thinking is not going to change him into another being. Someone kind isn’t going to sprout up because of distance or a child or for any reason. That sucks doesn’t it? But that’s what the “Experts” keep tyring and hoping they can get through to us so we can seperate emotionally.

    Someone said to me here… Stop! Stop trying to rationalize the irrational. It’s a draining way to spend your time. It’s not useful.
    It’s not productive. It’s not going to help you or anyone. Your only helping the abuser work when you do that. Doing his work for him.

    I hope something I said here has helped you. Keep reading here, Christina. Don’t stop that. Keep posting here to gain clarity.
    And know nothing you can say or feel is wrong when you do the posting here. Everyone understands this all too intimately. Everyone has experienced what you are experiencing. Keep getting support.

    My heart goes out to you, Christina.
    Diane

  6. Hi Christina,

    Perhaps a doctor could prescribe an antidepressant for you? This may help if you can’t stop thinking about things.

    I went back to your first comment that you posted. You only mentioned the reason why he threw you out. Would it help if you told us more?

  7. Hi Christina,

    Go to site that has nothing to do with abuse but is about ‘CRITICAL THINKING” and work on building skills for critical thinking skills.
    Play games with your older children that build critical thinking skills.

    Your a teacher, right? Brain storm ways you can build fundamental critical thinking… What would you do for a class in it?
    Use your strengths…

    Sometimes it helps if we do things indirectly to build our confidence up. And then try to apply them with practise on these emotiomnal issues. You have to think about these things you are in the middle of a divorce. And you need to get clear on your course of action. And have plans ready to use. Like DR. Carver explains here. Plan.

    When you notice yourself colliding the two different realities use a word to recognize it and stop and shift to what you know now to be more productive for your own self-care.

  8. Thank you all for your very much appreciated input…

    I think what has been causing me to falter recently is that I am constantly reminded of him (my baby looks just like him) and keep remembering times when he seemed authentic, like when he helped me through the delivery of our baby..

    I have been doing a lot of reading lately and he seems to have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. His behavior towards me which was very black and white (either I was a saint or I was out to destroy him) became more severe with time. I honestly believe that he discarded us before I had the opportunity to abandon him. I had insisted that he go into counseling because of his intensifying rages. The night he told me it was over, but also that he was confused, that same day we had spent a really lovely day together…we kissed, he said he loved me…we sat out in the sun with our newborn daughter, watched movies in the evening, laughed…

    After he told me counseling was hopeless and that his father would deal with things then he stayed out in a family ‘shack’ in the woods (he was still going to work) for weeks until we left…His uncle said he was a mess, unshowered and drinking heavily…in tears when the uncle would talk about the situation…still he could not bear to talk to me or see the baby…Ann asked for some more information…As you can see, he was not well and his mental state tragically spiralled down around the time the baby was born…

    I do know that we will be better off in the long-run but it still feels like an incredible feat to emotionally distance myself…I find myself thinking things that ARE unrealistic, like why can’t that ounce of good that he showed me come forth to make him do the right thing? I KNOW this doesn’t make sense. Much of it is trying to find some meaning in the experience, that it wasn’t all meaningless garbage…

    Thank you all so much for listening and for you advice…

  9. I do know that it is impossible to make sense out of insanity…it seems that I need to keep telling myself that. I also need to keep reminding myself that a person that loved us would never have treated us in such a way, that he is not capable of love…I am going to try to work on some of the emotional memory techniques…I think that another reason that I am faltering lately is just that everyone else (my 3 girls) are very needy as well and also just not getting a lot of rest with the baby. I guess I am just generally overwhelmed which doesn’t make getting beyond this easier.

    I have been seeing a counselor weekly which helps somewhat. My girls are going as well because they have been having issues too…

  10. Christina,

    You steted:
    I do know that we will be better off in the long-run but it still feels like an incredible feat to emotionally distance myself…I find myself thinking things that ARE unrealistic, like why can’t that ounce of good that he showed me come forth to make him do the right thing? I KNOW this doesn’t make sense. Much of it is trying to find some meaning in the experience, that it wasn’t all meaningless garbage…

    Gosh, I so relate that whole paragraph. I wrote a whole poem at a site for emotional abuse… Its name: I need it to matter! Today on that site is was about accepting the fact of the very different reality that was interlaced with mine. And learning how I was reframing all previous experience with the new knowledge I am gaining here and thru other books. Learning thru discernment of healthy verses of abnormal psychology. It is a huge breakthrough you know just to be able to name it for what it really is or was. Not just name it wrong. So always remember that “You Are Getting Better” because you recognize it.
    I think the pain and the grief we feel are tied into this so deeply. We don’t want a meaningless life. Part of letting go is about facing the partners internal core is exactly what we don’t want our life to ever be…meaningless. They don’t react to pain or feel the responsiblity of their hurtful actions. Our pain is meaningless to them.

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