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“Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders” Comments, Page 2

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166 Responses (33 Discussion Threads) to “Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders”

  1. avatar image
    Wendy
    11

    Hi, All!

    After a year and a half (is it a record? probably not), my former friend has sent me an email. He tells me that he has left messages for me on MSN Messenger, and wonders why I have not answered. He closes with a hug.

    I have not logged in to MSN Messenger for a year and a half (I only ever talked to him on it), and I know that it is impossible to “leave messages” for someone who is not logged in.

    Not that it’s even worth thinking about, but why try to open communications with a flimsy subterfuge? I guess I am supposed to feel awkward about not returning messages.

    Same old, same old. Glad I have had reference to this forum to remind me what this really is.

    ~Wendy

  2. avatar image
    Diane
    12

    Hi Wendy!

    Wow! Go Figure, a year and a half?

  3. avatar image
    Wendy
    13

    Yeah, I always wondered if I was on the “back burner” or if I had put him off for good by suggesting, with the best intentions, that he get professional advice (at which he was mortally offended, of course, and got his current victim to write to me and tell me how bad I was).

    I must say that seeing his name in my inbox gave me a sense of recoil, as if I had seen a snake. I broke out in a sweat. That’s emotional memory for ya.

    He must be between victims. The last I heard, from a business associate in his country, was that he’d been bragging to others about his new 19-year-old girlfriend (he is 46) and emailing photos of her around. I expect he’s driven her off by now.

    It still astounds me how the pattern is so similar among these people.

  4. avatar image
    Diane
    14

    Hi Wendy,

    I still have such a hard time grasping the backburner stuff, & etc. But I guess its like they act as if nothing was wrong and go from there?
    They sure live in a totally different realm, don’t they? And it is so true of their styles. Trying to make contact again. You are probably right about the in between victims thing. So he’s looking for you again. Has his feelers out. I am glad you know better now than to react to him.
    Diane

  5. avatar image
    Mark
    15

    “I broke out in a sweat. That’s emotional memory for ya.”

    Exactly…

    I decided to listen to those messages that my ex loser left a couple weeks ago, basically not saying anything of value to me, just wanted to talk, but of course threw in this “my mom asked **** who he wanted to be with on his birthday and he said his mommy and his daddy, so he misses you as much as you miss him”

    I hated her for telling me that, but my own fault because I didn’t have to listen to the message, curiosity is evil!

    So I listened, and ignored…a week and a half later, again 4-5 calls, this time I decided to call her back late at night and leave a message saying I want to move on and to please leave me alone. So I called back at midnight and her voice mail was full – damn! So I went into a panic and didn’t want her to think that I was just calling her back, but I was just saying I wanted to move on and for her to stop calling me. Within minutes she called me back, so I answered and she said I woke her up, basically we talked for a bit, her and her abusive ex aren’t together anymore – who woulda guessed right? anyway, I feel she is trying to snake her way back into my life so I kept the convo short and told her what I want to say.

    Today I get a call about a book of hers that I have. But she left a message asking if I could mail it to her, or if we can meet up for dinner on Saturday night, if not she would really like to get together for dinner sometime soon…really? do they think we are that stupid, or do they just hope to work of your vulnerability?

    Because I will be honest, the urge is there, but I know better.

  6. 16

    You need to trust me on the “back burner” aspect of relationships with Losers and Personality Disorders. Eighteen months is really a common experience. In many cases it can be several years or even longer. The key features of those “back burner” contacts are it’s on their agenda, totally for their purpose, and with no healthy or positive intentions for you. Losers emotionally invest nothing in a relationship so they have nothing to lose by contacting you. You can’t be re-hurt when you have no feelings to begin with. When they are between victims, need money or a place to stay, or are bored – sending you an email, making up an excuse to call, or calling you to ask who sang that “Unbreak My Heart” song – costs them nothing. By making the contact, THEY remain in control of the situation and they plan to maintain that control.

    Every “back burner” contact is an ambush and a trap. As Mark mentioned, they will emphasize Emotional Memory and only talk about the good times or something to make you feel guilty, trying to lower your emotional defenses. If you bring up a bad memory, they counter with “Well, I’ve made some mistakes…but didn’t we have a great time in Florida?” Remember, you can’t have a casual conversation with a Loser as they always have a hidden agenda…and it’s not good for you.

    The only defense against the “back burner” technique is No Contact. And I mean No Contact forever. Many victims rebuild their emotional strength over time, often to the point of feeling they can handle a “back burner” contact. It doesn’t work because the “Emotional Memory” involved is too strong. Remember, they can’t be hurt again because they have no feelings.

    Keep moving up and out. Don’t look back. Dr. Carver

    • avatar image
      Lizzy
      16.1

      Fantastic … I liken it to a person with part of their anatomical brain missing whos ONLY goal in life is to control others for selfish reasons. It is so hard to fathom.. so very difficult to understand espcially for those who really care and love in all sincerity and truth.

  7. avatar image
    Ann
    17

    Thank you Dr. Carver and Diane for responding to my question.

    My Ex also felt entitled to many things. A couple of instances is where he thought he didn’t have to pay for any utilities since I would have had to pay for them anyway for myself and my son. At the end of dinner he would put his utensils, plate and glass in the diswasher, but never helped with scrubbing the pots and pans. Why? Because I would have had to dirty them to cook the dinner for me and my son anyway.

    He was very jealous of my son when I gave him any attention whatsoever. My son has Diabetes Type I and his blood has to be constantly monitored. This would take my attention away from my Ex and given to my son. Whenever my son would sit next to me on the couch, my Ex would make a comment like, “Oh Tittie Boy wants to sit next to his Mommy.” I couldn’t believe that a full grown man would say things like this. He was soooo needy.’

    Does anything sound like your husband Diane?

  8. avatar image
    Diane
    18

    Hi Ann,

    Yes! So many comments like that with the children. Always a derogatory statement to the kids about any action or loving attention given. Almost exactly like you stated. It was always uncomfortable for me and for them in that way. Like anything loving was taboo. Like it had to be destroyed any bonding between us. It’s so sad. If I would say anything or question him about it. We would pay in some other way. Alot of times I had no idea that this was happening. The more I have learned here, the more I have noticed that. The subtle things I guess I felt but did not understand. Thanks for asking, Ann.

    Mark,
    Take the advice of Dr. Carver’s! No contact.

  9. avatar image
    debbie
    19

    Hi Ann
    I just wanted to say my ex was also very jealous of my children. He didn’t like it when my oldest came to sit next to me on the sofa. He gradually put an emotional wedge between us by telling my son and me that if he didn’t break his contact with me he would become gay.He was very homophobic. It has taken us over a year after my split from my ex to rebuild our relationship. My ex also expected me to pay for everything and would make a huge fuss before Christmas and birhtday about what he expected to receive. I am so glad to be out of it. As I mentioned previously my ex has fished for information about me from my sister and this was after a year of no contact. I dread hearing from him again.

  10. avatar image
    Ann
    20

    Hi Diane and Debbie,

    Thanks for responding.

    Debbie, my ex would also make comments like that to my son. Is your Ex your son’s father? Mine wasn’t.

    My son would come and sit on the sofa with me and hold my hand, but when my Ex came into the room my son would pull away. How sad. Because of my son’s diabetes he can get dry skin so I would rub lotion on him. If my Ex walked by when I was doing this, he would make a comment. My son was terrified of him so when I asked my Ex to leave my son was deathly afraid of him coming back and hurting us. It took him quite awhile to get over this fear. Of course he had good reason to be frightened of him. He was forever seeing me being yelled at, pushed into things or held up against the wall.

    I just remembered something funny. My Ex brought his dog to live with us. One day he was sitting on the sofa with his dog and he was petting her saying, “Look at her, all she wants is to love and be loved.” Finally after a few minutes of this cooing I had to say, “Yeah, it’s a good thing she can’t talk.” I had to say it. I really believed that he wanted a wife to be like a dog. He needs someone that is willing to just lay at his feet, look at him adoringly and keep your mouth shut. Maybe if his dog could cook he wouldn’t have married me.

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