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166 Comments (33 Discussion Threads) on “Over 1000 Reader Comments and Questions on ‘Losers’ and Personality Disorders”

  1. The final (familiar) psychological switcheroo happened on Sunday morning a week ago, when she texted, then rang to say that she was ‘very frightened’ because her dog suddenly had suffered a fit when she was walking beside the beach at one of her usual haunts. I offered my sympathy and suggested an animal hospital first thing Monday morning (£200 for a vet to attend) but said I had already made arrangements that day to take out a very old friend to a country manor, National Trust, park in mid Sussex, UK. The dog suffered another fit that evening and I’ve heard nothing more since..? (Asking,”How’s the dog”? I feel would be looking for another ‘sucker punch’). I am made to feel ‘hard, callous and abandoning’ because of this ’emergency’, regardless of her treatment of me.

    The dog’s probably ok now. He’s twice the weight a Westie should be, getting old, arthritic and very unfit. I feel very sorry for the dog but dismayed at her thinly disguised and futile manipulation attempt, however anguished she might feel. Merely a diversionary tactic to have me ‘come running’ for yet more eventual abuse.

    In the past I have been on my way to her, then told to turn back, as being ‘not wanted after all’. My ‘regardless determination’ to be at her side, any time, day or night when she calls me, (sometimes between 2 and 4 am!) is seen as a ‘true measure of my love’ for her.

    Her ‘new rules’, ‘growth’, ‘agreements’ and ‘safe words/responses’, get thrown out the window by her when she is angry, suspicious or paranoid over something, which is typically several times a day.

    I declined to drop everything this time and come to her side. (Still smarting after being reviled and abused, and revolting things wished upon me for a week by email and text). She said I had in the meantime, once again been reported by her to security and the police, and my car and number plate flagged to them, and to the pub manager where I usually park my car, a mile away. I said I couldn’t come to her because she had comprehensively prevented me!

    Romeo, ‘stuck between a rock and a hard place’ – on the end of an emotional bungee cord!

    So she apparently rang one of her brothers and a hopeless male admirer for ‘comfort’ and said she is “looking for some one else now”… Usual guilt-trip, punishment routine, used a score of times in the past, (including dating some of her unattached male clients or former lovers from way back).

    Disinclined to re-enter the vipers nest – wouldn’t you?

    Several ‘drop dead’ texts and a couple of ‘we’re finished’ emails followed.

    I have heard nothing more for a week now…

    ‘DALLAS’ eat your heart out! ‘JR’ is a wimp by comparison with this ‘lady’!

    Definitely ‘deadlier than the male’.

    Will keep you posted…

  2. E P Campbell:

    “So she apparently rang one of her brothers and a hopeless male admirer for ‘comfort’ and said she is “looking for some one else now” — Usual guilt-trip, punishment routine, used a score of times in the past, (including dating some of her unattached male clients or former lovers from way back).”

    This is a great example of how they will put other people on the back burn like the good Dr. wrote about. Sorry to say but you too will no doubt be put there for awhile anyway. So yes, please keep us update on this for I find it both interesting and intriguing. Thanks for this update! :)

    1. No James, I think you were right the first time… as in “I hope you burn slowly in hell”. What a bunny… sigh :-)

  3. Dear Wendy, Lizzie and Diane, Thanks for your comments to my post in April about whether or not to do a project in my ex-losers home town.I have been meaning to post for ages but have been very busy.
    So anyway I decided to go and I took 2 female friends with me. I did feel quite strong with them around and when it came to the day of the project I was so busy I had practically forgotten him but suddenly around 3pm he showed up. I haven’t seen him since last August. When I saw him my face sank and he saw that so he approached me with caution. He said Hi, and tried to hug me. I backed off and shook his hand formally. He wanted to take part in my project I said ok, I was very business like and formal and treated him like everyone else. I knew it would create too much of a scene if I refused him and I didn’t mind if he took part.After he had painted a section of the painting he said can we go for a tea. I knew he would, at first I said no, I’m busy but then I thought it would be good to reaffirm that it’s over. We sat for literally two or three minutes, he said he was happy to see me, I said I had a new boyfriend and that I live in berlin and that I’m really happy now. He said so it’s definately over, I said yes. He seemed to accept it and then he left. I felt relieved and he didn’t contact me again while I was there. I was able to enjoy staying around the area even on my own as my friends went back before me. There was one funny incident, I was on the bus going to a beach when we passed the place where he was working, I didn’t think I would see him but there he was. He looked very moody, I thought it was funny that I was able to spy on him without him seeing me and that I was glad he was no longer in my life. I concluded that he must have someone else as he didn’t hassle me. Or maybe he picked up that he couldn’t control me anymore? I did bump into a friend who had seen him and he had told her that he spent the whole day with me (we had tea for 3mins)and it was lovely. Why would he do that? Weird.Thank god I don’t have to put up with his stupid lies anymore. After the project he has called about 4 times, I still never pick up (I know he shouldn’t be able to contact me but I can’t change my number right now as I’m abroad)I now understand the power of emotional memory as still I sometimes imagine one day we can be friends but intellectually I know it’s impossible. How can someone exist without having feelings? That I just don’t get and I have to remind myself he is like a shark. Thank God for Dr Carver’s articles. So now almost a year on, my life is back on track, my career is going well and I feel thankful that I had the support systems to get out.Good luck to all in a similar boat and thanks for the invaluable support on this website.

    1. Hi Clara!

      I am glad to hear you were able to take the project and find a creative solution to protect yourself. I hope it gave you some confidence to know you can make postive things happen in your art career without having to be hurt any further by him. Loved hearing from you and your success! Diane

  4. Hi Clara!

    Thanks for posting – I’ve been wondering how it went. Sounds as if it went very well! Considering that there is no “right” way to handle such people, and there was no way to avoid him, it seems you made all the best decisions and moves.

    It’s also a bonus that you caught him in a lie – just as a reminder of what you are dealing with!

    It will always feel weird that such people have no deep feelings or loyalties. All we can do is to learn to recognize them, and to stick with folks who function better, when it comes to important relationships.

    Best wishes,
    ~Wendy

  5. Dear E.P. (Campbell),

    Not to seem flippant, but yours sounds like a classic case. No doubt you’ve done some research by this point, and know that she appears to fall into one category or another of personality disorders.

    When I was in a similar position, I found the results of my research significantly comforting (I was assured that this was not “all my fault”), but by the same token, I was saddened to realize that indeed, I had no control over what had developed, and had “lost” someone I had thought was a lifetime friend, with no hope of reconciliation.

    I felt as if someone close to me had died.

    However, looking at matters objectively, grieving over this loss was far easier than what I had been enduring, trying single-handedly to hold the relationship together. So, although I entered the grieving process in a state of relative emotional exhaustion, it wasn’t long before I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. With time, I ruminated on things less, and took up more constructive pursuits – like sleeping!

    I guess I’m just trying to say: it’s good that you’ve seen this for what it is, you can expect to feel upset and disturbed for quite some time, but at the same time you will benefit quite soon from getting your life back.

    Take care and keep in touch,
    ~Wendy
    p.s., As you mentioned, yes, it’s interesting that there are not more accounts on this forum about females with personality disorders. Some psychological research suggests that they may actually be more common than males.

    1. Hi Wendy

      Here’s something which will really freak out this website. My partener and I are back together emotionally and I am finally addressing the lifelong failing I suffer from – Asperger’s Syndrome (which some people might interpret as ‘Assholes Syndrome’). Frequently it is expressed by people who are way above average intelligence, often highly intellectual and even very successful in the outside world. Their biggest problem is misreading normal social cues and sub texts and taking what is said to them too literally. They also suffer emotional meltdowns under stress and are easily distracted by the slightest background noise, smell, conversation or moving object in peripheral vision. Concentration in class is often non existent. They prefer to doodle than take notes – using the doodles as aide de memoires! They can be dyslexic and OCD despite being highly intellectual. Highly sensitive to sudden loud noises, etc.

      However, they also come from a history of ‘living in their own world’ and not engaging emotionally in a ‘normal’ way which avoids making others uncomfortable.

      When I researched famous people with suspected Asperger’s Syndrome I discovered many of my personal heroes. Carl Gustav Jung, Leonardo DaVinci, Mozart, Bruchner, Vincent Van Gogh, Marilyn Monroe, Bill Gates (well…. he does a lot for charity now – he doesn’t need the money). I had the highest IQ amongst 2000 apprentices at Harland and Wolff shipyard, Belfast, in the years I was there 1970-72. However, as with school my behaviour was ‘off the wall’, singing opera, mimicing Caruso, Richard Tauber and Mario Lanza during the breaks… much to the surprise, consternation and sometimes derision of the 100 men in the plumbing shop.

      Likewise, my partner had a very lonely, reclusive childhood and like me preferred much older people as intellectual social interest rather than people of her own age. She went off and created a world of her own in the woods nearby and constructed a Walton’s style home hidden under a bunch of bushes in a forest. Her behaviour was almost identical to mine in so many ways, regarded by most as intense and overly exuberant.

      When I finally joined up the dots I realised that my partner was a very high functioning Asperger’s, driven by order and self discipline (the positive side) and hated with a vengence anything ‘out of order’ – whereas I lived in total depressed, non functioning chaos, due to depression (the predominating negative side). When I showed her the symtoms she laughed in recognition and her eyes lit up with curiosity (typical). Now we both ‘fully accept’ each other and are determined to work together without inflicting the pressure Asperger’s people are particularly susceptible to. Her – chaos. me – deadlines.

      Well that only took 5 years and over 100 bust ups!

      If only life were always so smooth and straight forward!

      Good luck everybody and look out for Asperger’s – one of you may have it, or god forbid – BOTH OF YOU

    2. Hi E.P.,

      I am glad you are feeling happier again, but I do want to give a few words of caution. Your quick self-diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome (in both you and your partner) is a possibility, I suppose, but it has a magic-bullet quality to it that I find disturbing. As bright as you both are, determining if it actually is Asperger’s really merits professional input. I realize that it’s unlikely either of you will consult professonal in this matter, being bright and well-read and motivated to make things better (at least you are), but I see problems in this snap diagnosis.

      If your partner has a personality disorder, as you theorized earlier (and her behaviour and the pattern of your relationship certainly tended that way), it is not surprising that she would gladly accept your Asperger’s theory. The way you wrote your post, it sounded as if you were now willing to accept almost all the responsibility for your relationship problems, and you even refer to Asperger’s Syndrome as a “failing” – when it is in fact a disorder. You go on to refer to yourself, in this regard, as having “A**hole Syndrome”.

      How great for your partner that you take this all upon yourself and she gets off as merely a “high-functioning” Asperger’s sufferer! As always, she can consider herself better than you. She’s home free and she has you back.

      There is a cluster of red flags here. Speaking from my own experience, when trying to reconcile with my own former friend I went through several “epiphanies” where I suddenly realized “what this really was”. Usually the solution involved supposed failings of my own, or outside circumstance. I would be totally convinced that I had stumbled on the answer, there would be an emotional reconciliation – and before long everything would break down again. After several of these cycles, I was a shadow of my former self.

      I know you probably do not like this post – but heck, I may not be right! I just want to caution you. Let us know how it goes – because, either way, it’s good to have folks to talk to.

      Take care,
      ~Wendy

  6. I believe my daughter-in-law may have borderline personality disorder. My son has separated from her twice, only to “try to work it out” each time. They have two children. After her return the last time (she left and left him with the children which we looked after while he worked) we said we needed to keep our distance from her. Since then, we have been unable to see the children or him. He was in contact by email (secret account) and told me after a month things were not good and he didn’t have the energy to keep fighting with her in regard to his relationship with his family, but he was going to see a counselor and “fix things”. That went on for 5 months and then he basically cut himself off from us and each of his 4 siblings. We have all tried talking to him to no avail. We just can’t understand how a loving son and brother can do this. What should we be doing at this point? We are devastated by this situation and the loss of our son and grandchildren. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    1. Hi Connie,
      I am so sorry to hear about your sons and daughter- in-laws cutting themselves off from all of you. That has got to be painful for you. Especially knowing that he is so drained and exhausted from the marital issues of a PD. If he does email you just make sure you are kind and have an a I am always here to help and support you attitude. I will do anything to help you out of this if he ever asked for that. And send him the list and info here if that ever becomes a possibility through emails. It is really hard to realize the one you love is not at all who you thought they were. Even though you feel miserable and keep wondering what you are doing wrong. A personality disorder just twists everything around and usually blames you all the time.
      What you describe I know all too well being in a relationship with a personality disorder myself and am in the process of detaching right now. They are relentless people and really know how to make you pay regardless of who you are and what you do. Personaly I wish my parents would have reached out a lot more than they did. And many of my friends too which kind of sent me messages of you have to do it alone. And I needed alot of support and education about these types of people to finally understand what was really wrong in this marriage. That not all people are about another persons well being at all. It is a real mind blower even though you feel it everyday you are with these type of PD people. I am glad you are on this site and are learning about the possibility of this being a real nightmare for your son. Gosh marriage counseling just made my life worse not better. So that is probably what happened to him too. He doesn’t have the ability probably due to low esteem and depression and all her abusive actions towards him. I would say just get your self as educated as you can here. Read a lot here and then when he does reach out you’ll have a lot to support him with by your better understanding of the dynamic of this. And will be able to help steer him to what can really help him out of this bad relationship.Can you send all of them cards for birthdays? Or is that already not ok? Just to let him know you are still around and are there? Does he ever contact you at all now? Gosh that has got to be tough. I at least talked to my mom and some friends although it was much less and less for awhile. Just be ready for him when something happens since it sounds like she has a pattern of just leaving all of them. Patience I guess…though I can tell you secretly I wished all my friends and family just would show up and scoop me away from the abuse. Patience and education until he calls for help then give him all the support and care you can give.I hope that helps because it is so hard to judge since they really make you pay when family comes around. Hopefully he’ll find the strength and start to come back into the world again. And then he’ll call or email you. Hope that helps you…its very hard. Bless you!

    2. Hi Connie,

      I agree with Diane. Get yourself educated. Let your son know that you are there for him to support him with any decision he makes

    3. Hi Diane,

      Thank you so much for the advice. I appreciate your taking the time to respond in light of your current situation.

      Your response was exactly what we feel is going on. It’s funny that you mentioned birthday cards. She sent me an email telling me to let our family know not to send birthday presents – they would be returned. She said he was married to her and they were his family and they were no longer part of our family.
      We have let our son know we were here for him, we have supported him in every way we could. He lived with us for 3 months the first time they separated, we took care of the children the second time they separated when she left. The children told us she was coming back the second time, he didn’t. He said it wasn’t decided if it was for good. At first he told us he regretted his decision, he went to see a lawyer but never followed through. We can’t understand why he doesn’t stand up to her. He says we don’t understand, it’s constant fights about everything and anything. Nothing he does is right. It seems the more we tried to reach out to him, the more he pulled away. Then he began to say he loved her even though she treated him so bad. I told him I was beginning to feel like he was angry with us. His whole attitude seemed to change, as if he was saying – don’t go away mad, just go away. We feel he had to make a choice between us and her and he chose her. There have been no more emails or contact from him, no response to any we send. We have decided not to try to make any further contact with him as his actions seem to indicate he wants it that way. I hope this is the right decision on our part and hope he will find the courage and strength to find his way out of this situation for himself and his children. In the meantime, all we can do is hope and pray.

      Thank you again for your help and I wish you well and a brighter and happier future.

  7. Hi Wendy, Margaret, Anne, Morris, Christine and everyone else too…

    Well I finally delivered my paperwork to the divorce attorney I hired and am working on the safety plan now to insure my safety.
    This is really scary but I am doing it. Just wrote a letter of a ton of abuse incidents for the judge to read when the attorney files the first motion. my domestic violence mentor says my next step is to go to the police and let them know about my fears and my my step to break up and serve him soon. My doctor wants me to consider going to a shelter or a friends because I am terrified. So I am trying to think about that as an option too. Though I just hope the judge orders a protection order even though I never ever called the police on him. Too afraid of the pay back and the dissonance of that fear instilled thing too of him killing me or the kids or both. I do have witnesses if that is what the judge needs my eldest sons especially are old enough to do that if necesary but I really hope they don’t have to because they will pay dearly for it if they have to. Its bad enough the way it is already.
    So that my huge update. It sure took me a long time to get all this new education in me and get enough self esteem back to move towards freedom form his abuse. My doctor was seeing me once a month for seven months and I have spent numerous hours here and on forum for healing from domestic abuse. Which has helped me immensely. Plus I got a few newsletters to on abuse once a month. And I finally told some of my family members who had no idea of the abuse that was going on which has also helped me. So some of them email me regularly and call and check up on me and my progress. And a few new friends too that I can talk to about it.

    Hey Christine,
    How are you doing? I have been wondering about you and how your case went. Hope you are doing better everyday now.

    And everyone else? How is it going?

    Hi Wendy and Anne!

    1. Hi Diane,

      I think you said that your husband’s behavior appeared to be like my ex. For what it’s worth my ex never bothered me since we separated two years ago. We were divorced in April of 2008. I believe that once my ex knew he could no longer control me, he left me alone. I don’t even think that he has me on the backburner. Is your spouse harassing you?

  8. Hi Ann,

    He harasses me all the time. But he does not know about anything yet. I keep our talking to a minimum and usually its more like trying not to get sucked into his evil banter about me. So I just try not to say a word. I am worried about his reaction once he gets served. Jeese the passed is scary and I only hope he just finally leaves and we can have a peaceful ending. Though the history is scary and I just don’t know how he will act. This sucks! I wish I felt I could go to him and just say let’s get a divorce and go to a mediator but I am too afraid of him. I figure he has been asked to leave for years and hasn’t so what else can I do. I hope my nightmare ends soon, living like this has been so draining to me.
    He is constantly belittling me and I can not take it anymore. I am tired of being a hostage in my own home. I am tired of living with a terrorist. Enough is enough already. Preparing for detachment has been exhausing in itself. Relearning and unlearning and all of it.

    How did the mortgage thing go? I forget if you posted on the results.

    1. Hello Diane and everyone,

      That is very big news…(I have not posted in some time because I have been very overwhelmed with the divorce process and trying to get my and my girls’ life in order, although it all feels unmanageable)…

      I hope you have a safe place to go Diane. I think it is a good idea to stay somewhere else for a while if at all possible. I think it is always a good idea to have others around as abusers like to ‘work’ in secrecy…Are you still in the same home?

      I had the initial leg of my divorce trial in March and it has been continued until July. I was hoping my ex would settle, but he does not ‘do’ negotiation…I also believes that he and his family do not believe in a ‘win-win’ solution, but either ‘win-lose’ or ‘lose-lose’, as long as I lose…I may have to go back and represent myself as I have discovered that my attorney has misrepresented me on some key aspects of the case…This whole thing has really drained me financially, not to mention the emotional costs…

      The saddest thing is that I have a child with this person and that he has not once inquired about her in almost a year…It would be easier to move on as well if I wasn’t doing the work of two parents while trying to recover from this disaster of a marriage…

      I hope everyone else is well!

      Christina

    2. Hi Diane,

      Thanks for asking about the mortgage. He still hasn’t paid it. He pays for other things, but not the mortgage which baffles me. I think he may not be paying it just so that he can get a reaction out of me. He would just love for me to call him about it so that he can hang up on me. I’m not going to give him the pleasure. I have to go away for three weeks for my job in July and once that is done I will need to take him back to court. I have so much going on right now that I just don’t have the time or energy to do it now. Don’t these people hate to lose? If I take him back to court the judge is going to make him pay it because that is what he agreed to. Other than to make my life miserable, what does he expect to get by not paying for it?

      Anyhow, you need to be careful. If you think your husband is dangerous you may want to go to a safe house. When separating from them could become the most dangerous time. You are the best person who can judge this. Go with your intuition.

      Take Care

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